It's the best!

I have the best life there is.

I think it's very sad that the "cool" / "popular" thing to do these days is complain. To try to convince everyone else that you have the "worst" life / luck. When did that become the thing to do? When did bragging on what an awesome husband you have become the minority rather than the majority? When did celebrating your life become so few and far between?

I want to make it proclamation loud and clear that I think I have the best life I could possibly have! No, we're not rich, yes, we've had plenty of challenges in our four years of marriage...but we are BLESSED! We have two awesome kids here with us, and two waiting for us in heaven. We have survived the death of a child (which is rare in case you don't know the statistics). We openly and honestly are still crazy about one another. We're still in love...not that that will last forever...it will come and go...and that cool thing is - is that we both know that and are okay with it. We promised to LOVE each other, and luckily we both agree that love is a choice, not a feeling. If it were a feeling we'd be in big time trouble...like now, at midnight I sit in bed next to my husband who is snoring to beat the band...do I feel like I am IN love with him at the current moment?? Uh...no...but do I love him and his snoring? Heck yeah! I love him because he is the most faithful, honest man I know. He loves me and our children more than anyone else in the world. He has made this clear to me every day since Dec. 12, 2003. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Sure, he does things on a daily basis that annoy me...that I think are selfish...but do I do the same? Sure I do! Just ask him! :0) And...when he kisses me, I know that we are still in love, that we have the same passion for each other that we did 7 years ago...actually - more.

I have the coolest 3 year old son God ever made. He is so pationate about life. Everything about life. He loves being outside in the world that God made for us to explore. He loves learning new things...numbers, letters, sports, dance, music, you name it...he's excited about it. And that makes me excited. He tells me at least once a day "You're the best Mommy"...and you know what? It makes me want to continue being the best mommy for him that I can be...day in and day out. It's the best challenge that I will ever have.

I just came back to bed from feeding my (almost) 7 month old daughter. I can't even put into words the feelings that swell up in me when I walk into her dark room, hear her sweet voice, pick her up and smell that awesome smell after a bath and lotion. I cuddle her up close to me and share a bonding moment that I am so lucky to have with her. She settles down and falls back to sleep. It's awesome in every sense of the word. Just to picture her smile makes my heart melt.

Last night we had a "Hunter night". We are going to instate these in our family once a month. When Graysen gets old enough she'll get them too. Hunter got to choose everything that we did. On his very first Hunter night he chose to eat pizza at Pizza Hut...cheese of course, and coke to drink. Then we dropped Graysen off with Gma and went to play Put Put Golf...his first time!!! He was so excited, because he loves golf! He had so much fun, he would put off and then RUN down the green to catch up with the ball before it stopped...it was a continuous hit rather than letting the ball stop...too stinkin' adorable! Often times he wanted to finish Lincoln and I's off for us after we teed off as well. Then we played the arcade games inside and he won 295 tickets! I filled up my camera with pictures of course, but don't have them on the computer yet, so I'll have to add one to this blog after I get them downloaded.

I am lucky enough to stay at home with my kids during the day...Lincoln works very hard doing a job that I'm sure he'd rather not do in order to make that happen. I am blessed to be able to teach dance - something that I am extremely passionate about - a few evenings a week..how many people get to do what they love 24 hours a day? Not many...I can tell you that. I love the fact that Lincoln is able to coach basketball - something that he is extremely passionate about - and that we get to watch him do it. We get to root him on and he makes me so very proud to see him, doing something that he loves, and being such a terrific role model for those young boys.

Basically - I'm trilled with my life. I think I post these blogs either late at night when I am able to calm down and collect my thoughts for the day, or in the morning when the day is fresh and new and everything makes sense to me. I just wish that more people lived their lives joyfully. Being happy - and giving thanks to God in everything they do.

why write when I'm not the "best"?

What do I even want to write about tonight? Honestly, I'm not sure, but for some reason I am greatly enjoying this blogging thing...and want to write more. Not so that anyone will read it, just because it's a quiet night in my household and I want to write.

I've always enjoyed writing, but have never done it on a regular basis...I'm not very talented at it. I've always been one to not do anything that I'm not the "best" at. That's the reason I've never played sports...because I couldn't bear the thought that me missing a shot could make the entire team lose a game. I do not want to be responsible for anyone else's disapointment. (I'm still this way - very much a people pleaser...not a good trait). Weird now that I'm older and think about it. But true. Not really sure why I ever did Dance Teams or Color Guard. I guess because that is one of my only natural talents. I didn't have to worry about being the only one to mess up...if I messed up (don't get me wrong, I know I'm not always perfect!), I was most likely not the only one to mess up..so I wouldn't have to blame 2nd place on me alone. Odd...very odd. I hope I don't accidentally pass that bad trait onto my kids. I want them to do whatever it is that they want to do without fear of not being the best. We can't all be the best at everything! As long as they practice and try their hardest every time they participate, that's GREAT!

Hmm...that's enough for me tonight. I think I'm ready to go crawl in bed next to my husband. Both kids are fast asleep...sure, some of the groceries still need to be put away in the kitchen, and the living room could certainly use to be picked up, but what I really want right now is to curl up on my favorite pillow under our down comforter next to my best friend in the whole world, say my prayers, and dream a wonderful dream.

Good Night World!

Love - Use it.

You'll never get over it. You'll never get past it. But you have love in your life. Use it."
- Army Wives

I'm not sure what I have to write about this quote. I heard it on an episode of Army Wives yesterday and felt the urgent need to write it down before I forgot it. The episode had one family who just lost their daughter in a bombing, and another who was pregnant with their first child and the wife wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby. The irony.

Really I wanted to explore my thoughts on this quote. I find it to be terribly true. Scarily (if that's a word) real. Two and a half years after losing my daughter (and I believe this could relate to the loss of anyone you love) I know that you really don't ever get over it or move past it. It's something that is with you every day...because a loss like that changes who you are a person. It's an experience that changes your entire outlook on the world, on God, and on who you are as an individual. It changes your relationships with people (those you already know and those you will come to meet). If I hadn't loss the baby that I miscarried or Claire I would be a totally different person. Not as good of one if I dare go there. I believe God had given me a softer heart for others going through what I have experienced. It has allowed me to relate to many people on a personal level that I would not have been able to relate to otherwise.

But they are right - I have love in my life. I have the love of my husband, children, family, friends, and God. I need to accept it. I'm so thankful that I came out of the stage of grief of not accepting love from others because I felt as though I didn't deserve it. Something in my body had not been good enough, strong enough to create two beautiful children and I felt like an utter failure. I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved by anyone. But I have gotten past that. I am again able to open up to others and receive their love.

I also have a lot of love to give. I am blessed to have this love that God has given me, rather than becoming resentful and hardened after my experiences it has softened my heart and I am planning on using that to the fullest.

I would encourage anyone who has gone through a hardship to look for the good, maybe not during it, but afterward...look back, hind sight is always 20/20...find the positives in the experience and use the love that it has given you.

Everything

I've been reading The Mitford Series for some time now (about 6 months). I just finished book 8 and only have one more to read before the series is over. I'm very sad about it...I feel as though I'm going to lose a great set of friends! Amazing how a good author can pull you into the plot of a novel emotionally. Every book I feel has had a wonderful lesson on some aspect of life. I actually think this series has been better than any of the self-help books I'm famous for reading.

Book 8's "lesson" I believe (or maybe it was meant just for me) was on forgiveness, understanding, and prayer. In his last sermon in the book Father Tim reminded us of 4 words. "In everything give thanks." Some may say that the key word in this verse is thanks...I think it's EVERYTHING. I'm good at giving thanks when it comes to the easy stuff...not so good at remembering to thank God for the hard stuff. The stuff that I wish wasn't happening. This is the prayer that Father Tim wanted us (his congregation - I'm a part of it you know!) to pray.

"Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I'm going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line is You're God - and that's good enough for me."

When I read this prayer it really hit home with me. I questioned myself...do I thank God when money is so tight I wonder when we'll be able to go grocery shopping again? Did I thank God when he took 2 of my babies away from me? Do I thank God when Hunter is not behaving and I am at my wit's end? Do I thank Him when Graysen is not sleeping and I can't even remember how many times I got up to feed her the night before? These are the things in my life that have stretched me to become a better person. To become more perfect. In James 1 it talks about going through trials to be stretched and become more perfect. I want to be perfect in God's eyes...and if it's these things that have to happen to make me a bigger, better person...I will thank God for them.

The verse tells us give thanks in EVERYTHING. Actually - the entire verse is this: "In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Wow - so absolute. So straight forward. Often times I pray to know the will of God...to have Him show me his will so that I may understand the things I am experiencing. Here it is stated for me...His will is for me to give thanks. No matter the situation, good, bad, comfortable, uncomfortable, high or low...give thanks.

I'm going to try.

Kids, Kids, Kids...Me?

Kids. That's what my life revolves around. It's amazing really. I just looked at the pictures that are "tagged" of me on facebook...I'd venture to say a strong 95% of them do not even have me in them. They are my kids. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids. My kids are the world to me. I have always wanted to be a mom - only a mom. I am a daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter, wife, and teacher - but mostly...I'm a mother.

I think I just realized that I've lost my own identity. Maybe not to some - but do I even see myself as Ashley anymore? Or am I Hunter and Graysen's mom? Do Dad's lose their identity the same way moms do? I don't think so. Sure, Lincoln is Hunter and Graysen's dad...but he is also still Lincoln. This is something that I struggle with.

I am a big "self-help" book reader. Everything I read reminds me that it is imperative for me to keep some time for ME. That my mental and physically health depend on it. Hmm...do I do that? I know I do have some time for me once in awhile...but I'm not sure that I'm doing the activities that keep me mentally at my strongest. My me time usually consists of driving to and from Rolla to work, showering (sometimes I get to do this alone...), and reading my book in the middle of a chaotic living room. I think men (in general) are more apt to make time for themselves a priority. Lincoln goes on trips with his brothers and friends from church, he plays sports for fun...he takes time for himself.

I am very blessed to have a husband who understands the importance of keeping my own identity...and he encourages me to do this more than I encourage myself. He sends me on spa days to STL with girlfriends, is more than happy to keep the children in order for me to go see a girly movie, etc.

Luckily, the bottom line is - I'm happy with my life. Most of the time I'm okay with not having my own identity anymore. I'd rather be known as Hunter and Graysen's mom than Ashley anyday. I'm a better person as their mom than I was on my own.

And I thank God for that everyday.