Happy Anniversary Honey!

My note to Lincoln in his anniversary card:

Lincoln,

Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary.  We have had our ups and downs, but mostly ups.  I've been blessed to have a husband who loves the Lord more than he loves me, and in that way loves me the best that he can.  You have taken care of me both physically and mentally more than I ever expected.  You have continued to keep your vow and love me even when it's not been easy.  You have given me beautiful children, and more memories than I can count.  For these things I thank you.  I promise again today that I will continue to love you and work to make our marriage the best it can be until the day I die.  Love is not a feeling, but a choice, and I want you to know that I'm making the same choice again today that I did 5 years ago.  

Love always,

Your Bride

Lots of thoughts tonight

My head is swimming with thoughts...

I had a really hard morning watching my Grandma be in such pain.  I think I've probably seen her cry 2 times in my whole life - and she cried this morning.  She has been in such bad physical pain for so many weeks now.  It seemed like her Doctors weren't trying to do anything to help her, and in today's modern medicine world, you can't tell me that there isn't something to make an 82 year old woman comfortable!  So, I got her in to see another doctor in the same clinic this morning and he gave her a shot that worked wonders and upped her oral meds.  They leave her a bit shaky, but it's better than being in such bad pain.

It hit me really hard this morning how terrible it must be for older people to realize what they have become limited to.  I watched my Grandma struggle to get out of bed, sit on the toilet while she fixed her hair because she was too weak to stand at the mirror, and grab the wall all the way out to her car to go to work because she is too stressed about finances to quit working!  Then at the doctors office I watched a man who once was a Military General struggle to get out of the car and into a wheel chair.  His daughter filled out his paperwork for him and had to hold the clipboard still so he could sign his name at the bottom.  I just can't imagine how humbling it's going to be for me when I get to that point in my life.  Whew.  Too much for one night.  

My cousin passed away in a car accident last night.  It's weird to me because I've never lost a cousin.  I've had 3 grandparents, 1 great-grandparent, 1 great uncle, 1 aunt, 1 uncle, 1 daughter, and now 1 cousin die in my lifetime.  That's 9 people.  Maybe that doesn't seem like many to you, maybe it does.  Lincoln could only come up with 4 in his (2 great-grandparents, 1 great aunt, and 1 daughter).  Anyway...death it seems so easy when you're not confronted with it, but so complicated and confusing when you're in the midst of it.  I'm obviously not going to air my family's dirty laundry on my blog, but let's just say that there are some hard feelings between SEVERAL family members surrounding Jimmy's death.  It's so sad.  I see my grandma trying to reach out to her son and comfort him while having to comprehend the death of her first-born grandchild.  I listened to her talk to Jimmy's wife (of only 8 months) on the phone today and tell her how much she loved her, how she would always be a part of our family even though we haven't had the opportunity to get to know her very well yet.  Then of course there is the salvation factor.  It's just really hard when you don't know for sure where the person stood with God...obviously it's not for any of us to judge or decide, all we can do is pray for the comfort of those closest to him.  

I do marvel at the way God works everything for good.  Jimmy was just here to visit (because his father had a stroke last week).  He got to spend time with his 3 siblings (who don't all live in the same place and rarely get to be together), his father, and his grandma.  The kids even got their picture taken together a few days before he passed away.  How awesome will that be for them to have?! As U. Jim was going through the stroke I found myself thinking, "why would this happen?  Why should my Gma have to go through this stress with her oldest son when she is not in good health herself and is 82 years old?"...well, now I feel like I know!  I believe God had that happen so that the family would all be together before Jimmy passed.  I don't know if this is true or not, but I like to think that God wanted them to have some time together, and since God knew Jimmy's Days before he was even born, He knew this was coming...and what a nice gift to his siblings, Dad, and Grandma.  Thanks God!  :0)  

It's stressful trying to plan to be away from home for 3 days to travel to Omaha for the funeral.  I've got to get everything packed for myself and the kids.  Lincoln won't be able to travel with us because he's got to stay here and work. (Another sucky thing about struggling financially is that you can't just take off work whenever you want to, often times you have to miss out on extremely important events in order to continue to provide for your family!)  Don't get me wrong, I will have lots of help from other family members with the kids - but nothing is quite like having your husband there to help.  Hunter hates sleeping in hotels (he loves them until it's time to go to sleep and then he just wants his own bed...), and Graysen never sleeps in the same room with anyone (and always in her crib), so I'm sure we'll be in for bad nights all around on our trip.  

I had a great evening away with my husband tonight celebrating our 5 year anniversary.  We went to STL, ate dinner at Red Lobster, and then went to the Maryville U Boys Basketball game!  I loved the conversation in the car, Red Lobster is my favorite, and it was awesome being able to sit WITH Lincoln at a game and be able to really watch (a great game) without chasing after and entertaining kids the entire time!  It was a terrific, much needed, night out.  It also helps we got a little bit of time together before I leave on this trip!

My house is freezing.  I hate all the work this electricity bill is creating for me!  Silly, I know, but I felt like my life was full enough before I had to start hand drying the dishes, hang the clothes out to dry (rather than just throwing them in the dryer), search for my cell phone charger (rather than it just being plugged in the wall where I always keep it), and wear 3 extra layers of clothes (which creates more laundry)!  

It's well after midnight and I have a full day tomorrow including a baby shower, packing to travel, a trip to Walmart, going to church (hopefully), and emailing pictures for the funeral.  I suppose I should go to bed...but you can tell my mind is elsewhere right now...

So, it was a bit higher than we expected...

the utility bill that is.  We were aware that it was going up, but we had no idea that it would be nearly as high as it was this month.  I know this is a problem around the entire city, so I'm not complaining, just thought I'd throw some ideas out that we are going institute in our household starting TODAY!  

• Turned off the drying cycle on the dishwasher - we will now hand dry
• We bought new line for the clothes line outside and will start hanging our clothes to dry whenever possible
• When not possible to line dry we will do loads as close together as possible (so the dryer stays hot).
• We will empty the lint trap after every load
• We are no longer using the lights during the day, just opening all the blinds in the house.  
• Lights will never be on in a room that we are not in during evening hours (we've always done this)
• We unplugged everything that is unnecessary (cell phone chargers, digital picture frame, etc.)
• We will start turning the computer off at night
• We turned the thermostat down 2 degrees (the most I can stand!)
• We are going to try to wait until July to turn on our air and just use fans (we'll see how hot it gets!)
• No more using the exhaust fan or light above the stove or sink

We'll see how this works and hope that it's a tiny bit lower next month!  Any other tips for us?  

**  We are not a family of extremes.  We do not usually go / do anything to one extreme or the other, so I'm aware that this list is not amazingly sacrificial or huge.  It's just a few little things that a normal American family can handle.  

Faith Muscles

I haven't been inspired anything that has come into my own head these days.  I have been inspired by so many other people and things that I've read though!  My next few posts will probably be excerpts from things that I've heard or read lately.  I hope they inspire you as well.  

I get the magazine "Mom Sense" through my MOPS group.  It is always great!  Here are some excerpts from an article that was in there this month.

"As if we don't wrestle with enough guilt, we moms tend to beat ourselves up for not being as committed to our spiritual life as we think we should be.  But connecting with God can happen in all kinds of mothering moments.  Here are a few ways to stretch your faith muscles at every age and stage:  

The warm-up years:

...Notice how you're changing, how your heart is opening up.  Watch the ways your child is growing and marvel at the work God is doing in him or her.  Give yourself grace when you mess up and know God has plenty for you, too.  Let these be the years you discover how to lean on God.

The aerobic years:

As your child moves into the preschool years, he enters a stage of incredible discovery.  You can join in and uncover a new appreciation for God's goodness.  ...Perhaps part of what it means to have faith like a child is to recapture a child's awe and joy for being alive.  Pump up your faith as you develop a new appreciation for all God's provisions.

The stretching years:

...These are the years when our patience is tested, our tempers get fired up and our dreams become dashed a little.  But out of these challenging years can come tremendous strength if we turn to God for help.  Spend time each morning asking God for the patience to parent well.  Make time to talk to other moms and get their support.  Be willing to apologize when you lose your cool and offer grace when your kids lose theirs."

I thought this analogy was a wonderful one and made me stop and realize that I am growing closer to God every day - even if it's not spent with hours of bible study and prayer.  My children are helping me every step of the way!

Fun Art Days

We often have "Art time" at our house.  It usually takes place when Daddy is gone somewhere because it stresses him out to have that kind of a mess going on.  (Although he has gotten tons better...when he comes home while we're still doing it he actually can walk in the same room to check out the art work!)  Sometimes we do a craft project, but normally we do finger painting, or just regular painting.  When Hunter was younger he liked to finger paint on blank paper, but lately he's really enjoyed painting the pictures out of those HUGE coloring books.  We currently have a Backyardagins one, and he is greatly enjoying painting (not coloring...) all the pictures in it.  Gray is still a little young to paint with, but I'm sure she will be ready in a few months.  For now she either colors with crayons or draws with chalk while brother paints.

Note to God

Dear God,

Thank you for the rain today.  It's not too much, as to soak the ground and make lots of mud, but it's just enough.  The air smells so fresh and clean - like spring!  Today is the first day I've smelt spring in almost a year and it smells so so delicious!  It rejuvenated my hope that warmer weather will be coming soon and I will be able to resume many fun activities with my kids.  I promise that on the first day possible we will take a walk and talk about all the awesome things you have made all around us.  You know just what I need and always send it in time.  You must've known I needed that reminder today as I struggle with waiting for answers on other issues.  Thank you.  I will continue to wait until you see fit to provide a way.

Love,

Ashley

Maybe I'll buy Huggies this month...

I get tired of the stupid (okay, so I think they're stupid) campaigns that most companies have lately.  I hate the fact that so many of them are based on sexuality or popularity.  Huggies sent a story in the mail today (along with some coupons in the back) that I would not have read except Graysen brought it to me to read to her.  I thought it was the first good, funny advertisement that I have seen in quite some time!  It was in full color and had awesome illustrations!  Some of you may have gotten it in the mail - for those of you who missed out, here's the story (sorry you're missing out on the pictures...try to use your imagination)!

Look at me, check me out

My name's Harry - Harry Hubble

You're probably wondering why I'm here

Inside this plastic bubble.

The answer's pretty simple

My mom is full of STRESS

She gets freaked when I get close

To any kind of mess.

So here I am, with my friend Sam

Who loves to finger paint

If my hands were ever red, green & blue

My mom would surely faint.

And at those birthday parties

Kids have ice cream on their cheeks

If that was me, my mom's eye  would be

Twitching for 2 weeks.

If you're uptight, Mom that's alright

It takes all kinds and types

But your messy-stress would disappear 

if you grabbed some Huggies Wipes.

Feels gentle like a washcloth

Cleaning any mess on me

Like ice cream, mud or syrup

And of course my poo and pee.

And just like that, the switched was flipped

My Mommy heard my plea

She released me from the bubble

And made a party just for me.

And mom no longer freaked out

With Huggies Wipes right by her side

She even got some ice cream on her face

A welcome sight I must confide.

So check me out!

I'm Harry Hubble!

In a plastic bubble?

No Way!

(in fact my mom is sending the bubble back to the bubble store today)

Of course Hunter's favorite was the "poo and pee" line, so we read that page several times (after we read the whole story 5 times!).  Pretty cute story if I do say so myself!

Dating Rules

Lincoln and have tried off and on to schedule regular date nights...but unfortunately we don't feel right asking our families to baby sit when they sit for us SO many other times.  If we hire a babysitter we can't really afford to do anything on our date that costs money...so we end up fizzling out and going for months without a real date.  I found these "dating rules" today and agreed with ALL of them!  Amazing!  

Anyone have any tips on how they make regular date nights work with a limited budget and kids?!

Marriage is hard work!

I recently listened to a speaker who gave some wonderful tips on the marriage relationship. 

 Here are some of my favorites:

• Never use absolutes "you always", "you never", etc.
• Rather than telling him what to do, start your request with a statement such as "It would mean so much to me if you would ___".
• Realize that although women are prone to believing that if they feel something it is a fact, that is not always the case.  Facts are very different than feelings.
• Women are especially sensitive to criticism.  We have a built-in desire to be pleasing to others and therefore criticism, especially from our husbands, is very hard to handle.  
• If you are craving some actual conversation - something other than the score of the game last night or what your child ate for lunch, ask him "In what ways can I let you know that I value you?"
• Just as you reserve some of your energy for your children (rather than using it all at work or on the house), you need to reserve some energy for your husband.  This includes conversation, intimacy, and date nights.
• Book suggestions:  The Five Love Languages, The Power of a Praying Wife, Love and Respect, and The DNA of Relationships.
• 
  

MOPS

Some of the special women in my MOPS Group!

I've mentioned MOPS a couple of times on this blog, but I'm not sure I've really devoted a whole post to talk about a group that has proven to be such a blessing in my life!  I joined MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers, which really means mothers of any child who is younger than kindergarten) after my cousin Brittany invited me to go along with her.  I started going in January '07.  I went for 2 semesters before I was put on bed rest with Graysen.  I never got very close to any of the women in MOPS.  I enjoyed going and listening to the speakers and doing the activities, but nothing else developed outside of the 1st and 3rd Thursdays of the month.  At the point I was on bed rest I was gone for almost a whole semester.  The women that I had never spoken to outside of our two meetings a month brought me meals and sent home crafts for me to do.  They sent encouraging emails, and prayed for my family.  I realized then how blessed I was to have this group of women in m

y life.  I vowed then and there that when this new year started I would become involved in the group and give back to them whatever I was capable of.  I have since grown so much as a Christian mother, wife, and friend.  I've started participating in the extra fun events that they do, and have began to make friendships that I hope will last a lifetime.    

This is a picture that was taken of Lincoln and at the MOPS Valentine's Day Dinner - lots of fun!

Not Right Now

If I say to Hunter "Not right now buddy, I have to _____" once a day, I must say it 20 times.  It breaks my heart every time.  I want to just scream and say "who cares about _____...I want to play with my son!"  Unfortunately, that's not how life works, things have to get done, and I just pray that he won't remember all the times I told him no.  I also pray that come May I'll have a lot more time to say "Sure buddy, let's go do it!"

My family is expanding

No - I am not pregnant!  Ha ha, just had to get that over with.  

As many of you know, my mom is engaged to Charlie, a man that has been in our lives for the last 5 years.  I have to admit - we have gone through a few rough patches over those years.  There have been days when I REALLY didn't like him.  Days when I wished he would just disappear out of our lives.  

I am thrilled to say that those days are over.  I find myself more and more fond of him every single day.  I am proud to say that he has been a changed man for a little more than 2 years now and I have grown to love him in these past 2 years.  He has been a support for me during hard times.  He has opened my eyes to new ways of viewing the world.  He has taught me things after I thought I would no longer have a dad to teach them to me.  He has filled a void that I longed for for many, many years.  

I haven't always told him how much I appreciate him (I guess he knows now, because I'm sure my mom will let him read this post...lol), but I do.  I appreciate him letting us invade his house at all hours.  I appreciate him listening to me ramble about my life.  I appreciate him being a Grandpa for my kids.  I appreciate the days when we cook out, and the days when we play Rock Band.  Mostly, I appreciate him loving my mom.  My heart leaps with joy when she calls me to say that her day was made because he sent her a sweet email, or when I hear them joking on the phone together.  I have seen my mom at the lowest of lows and I never want to see her there again.  That's why I'm glad that they have learned to appreciate each other and respect each other's differences.    

As they talk more in detail about their upcoming summer wedding, I get more and more anxious to have him in our lives forever.  I am excited about getting to know my new step-sisters better.  I'm can't wait for us to have huge family gatherings with 2 parents, 5 daughters, 1 son, and 2 grandkids.  

I'm excited about our future as a family together...

Messy Snacks

There are so many days when my kids look like this!  They think it's very funny to see how messy they can get while eating a snack.  I've even given up sweeping under the high chair until the end of the day - it just gets too frustrating after every snack (and there are lots in my household)!  I love seeing them giggle together and laugh as they shove the food in their mouths, often times turning to shove some in their siblings mouth.  The only thing that would make these pictures any better is sound to hear their little voices.  Oh, how I love them...

Congratulations!

Congratulations are in order to our good friends who finalized the adoption of their 7 month old little girl today!  

You have been down a hard path, but have proven to be patient and loyal to Our Father and He has blessed you beyond belief with your baby girl.  Your friendship means so much to us and we are very lucky to have you in our lives.  We love you all dearly!  Soak up the memories of this day - you deserve it!

A great gifting game!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!  My choice.  For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1.  I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!

2.  You will receive your gift before the end of the year (or sooner)

3.  You will have no clue what the item will be.  It could be a story or a CD.  It could be a piece of handmade jewelry or an art doll.  I may draw, paint, collage, or knit something.  I might bake you something and mail it to you.  I may grow you a plant.  Who knows?  Not you, that's for sure!

4.  I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch?  In order to receive a gift you must repost this and make and send out five surprises of your own!  

That Loving Feeling

I find that I have much more loving feelings toward my husband when he does something that is usually my "job" without complaining.  I asked him to sweep and mop the kitchen floor today and I would get the rest of the house ready to host bible study and not only did he sweep and mop, but he did a spectacular job!  :0)  

(Wish I had gotten a picture of him on his hands and knees scrubbing, but I think he might have frowned on that...!)  

The truth from a 4 year old

Ashley:  Last night I had the house all picked up and I went in the bedroom to talk on the phone for 30 minutes, then we ate dinner for 30 minutes, then I watched my 2 hour show and by the end of it our house was destroyed again.  How does our house go from put together to totally destroyed in 3 hours?!

Lincoln:  I don't know, honey - it's amazing isn't it?

Hunter:  That's the life about having kids mom!

Lincoln:  Hmm...I don't know that I've ever heard a statement more true than that!

Mark-ups make me MAD!

Okay, so I usually don't vent about these kinds of topics on here...but...I hate how much people mark up their services!!!  Because we are going to cutting our income in May, I have been shopping around for TV and Internet services.  We were hoping to not have to get rid of either of them completely, but realized that at the rate we were paying, that may be a possibility.  So - I called Direct TV and although they advertise a great rate, you get roped into 6 months of a total rip-off rate after the advertised rate is up!  So...we'll stay with Dish.  I also called Century Tel (who we have our internet through) to see what we could do about that.  When it seemed that all was hopeless, I asked to be transfered to the department where you cancel your services.  When I got to them I had a very short conversation with the woman about how money was just tight and we could no longer afford to pay for a phone that we never used (land line), or the outrageous price we were paying for internet.  She immediately offered me a deal.  I asked about the contract, and again, it extended past the time that the deal was offered for.  I told her it was a no-go and she shortened the contract for the "deal" time.  Amazing.  So...now we are paying literally 1/2 what we were paying for internet to begin with and no phone line.  I can't believe that with that little prodding we could've been paying this for the last year!!!  So now...I'm thinking I'll try the same "trick" with Dish and see what they say.  Why do they feel the need to mark things up so much that people stress out and get to the point where they decide they can't afford them anymore?!  

Frustrating to say the least....but I sure am glad we're getting to keep both TV and Internet!  :0)

Their Old Vs. My Old

I always thought it was funny growing up when my parents would listen to "their music".  The oldies you know?  Right now I am listening to Hunter and Lincoln singing "The Right Stuff" by New Kids on the Block!  Funny how he is now listening to "my oldies"!  Every single time we get in the car he requests the "oh oh oh oh-oh song"...that's right, I still keep my New Kids On the Block CD in my car!  :0)    

20 things we can do for ourselves

What can women (or men I suppose) do for some time alone to nourish our souls?  These are my ideas - most of them kid-free since I find that it's the mothering role that zaps me the most (must be what I put the majority of my energy into huh?).  

1.  Study God's Word - with a group of trusted friends or alone

2.  Go to STL Bread Co. (or an equivalent) and spend time drinking a favorite drink, reading a book, writing in a journal, listening to music, or people watching.

3.  Get together with friends for a night of movie watching or crafts

4.  Take a nap

5.  Watch a favorite TV Show...kid-free!

6.  Take a bath

7.  Take a weekend vacation - alone, with your spouse, or with girlfriends

8.  Have a family day - a day where there are no expectations, only fun activities planned!

9.  "Lock" yourself in the other room and have a long overdue phone conversation with a friend.

10.  Blog your true feelings (even if you don't publish it)

11.  Take a drive in the country (or whatever nature feeds your soul) with the windows down and the music up loud

12.  Exercise (in a gym, taking a walk around a park, etc.)

13.  Have a date night with your husband

14.  Go to bed early (without feeling the guilt of your husband having to do the bedtime routine with the kids for once...this also means letting him do it however he sees fit)

15.  Take a dance / aerobics / yoga class

16.  Go somewhere in nature to meditate (I love to do this in the cemetery)

17.  Have a good long, hard cry (and not tell yourself "crying doesn't fix anything" the whole time)

18.  Sing worship songs at the top of your lungs by yourself or with your kids

19.  Join a women's group (such as MOPS)

20.  Pray without ceasing for a renewed spirit - for the energy and grace to continue to serve those around you.

We're on the same team!

Graysen has discovered that she can ALMOST get her own diaper off.  If she doesn't have pants on she is tugging at her diaper to try to get it off.  Today she was attempting to get the new one off after a diaper change.  A few minutes later she ran in to me in the kitchen, naked, giggling her little head off.  I couldn't believe that she had finally figured it out!  I looked in the living room and Hunter was curled up in the corner of the couch covering his mouth cracking up.  I asked him what was so funny and he told me that he took it off for her!  I gave him "the look" and said, "why would do that son?!  She could pee on the floor!"  His response?

"I had to help her Mom, we're on the same team!!"

I love the fact that at such an early age we have successfully instilled in our children that they are always to be on the same team.  Even if it means that they are against us, our hope is that they always take up for each other - no matter what!!!  That's what being a sibling is all about!

A few new accomplishments!

Graysen is a very different child then Hunter.  She has TONS more personality than Hunter did at her age.  She lets you know how she's feeling at all times.  She is a child of routine, very unlike her brother.  She is extremely vocal as well.  In the last week she's done three new things that I wanted to save though...

1.  She has started saying "night night".  So...it sounds more like "nigh, nigh", but we all know what it means.  She says it to whoever is around before I carry her into her bedroom at night.  She is thrilled to go to bed most of the time.  It's rare when she cries when I put her down.  She loves her bed and to sleep - just like me!  :0)  She is a terrible traveler, and the other day on our way to STL she was crying (because she was tired), and Lincoln looked back at her and said "you can go night night Gray", and she stopped, laid her head back and relaxed!  What a girl.

2.  She has started saying "Thank you" when you hand her something!  It's adorable!!!

3.  She went and got me a diaper this morning and brought it to me.  She is usually terrible to change because she screams and rolls around, but apparently this morning she was ready for it to come off!  She went to her room, got a diaper, brought it to me, and followed me to the living room and laid down (and still) to have it changed!

Role vs. Identity

What is the difference between our "role" and our "identity"?  This question was discussed during my small group meeting this past week.  I really think this question put into words what I have been fighting for the past 6 (or so) months.  I feel like since Hunter was born I have thrown myself into the role of Mother and Wife so much that I have forgotten who I am.  Who I am for myself, not as my children's mother, my husband's wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend.  I know this soul searching has been obvious through my entries, but I just had to "vocalize" that I finally realized what I was trying to discover.  I have been playing all of my many roles, but not living my identity.  My identity is there, buried deep under the surface desperately trying to shine through.  

My small group (made up of both men and women) agreed that women struggle with this much more then men because we feel such a strong responsibility to our family, house, etc.  We feel extreme guilt if we take time to ourselves when so many other things still need to be done!  Our kids need taken care of, there is laundry to do, dishes, cleaning, husbands to tend to.  Men somehow don't experience these feelings and rarely find it hard to drop what they're doing to play a video game, take a nap, go work out, or spend an evening with their friends.    

Valentine's Day '09

Our family LOVE Day

Ah, Valentine's Day.  2.14.  I admire people who celebrate it, I for one, have NEVER been a fan.  I feel like it's a day when men are pressured into expressing their admiration for someone...even if it's not that strong.  I wish I could be a swooning girl, who schemes for months in advance on a creative gift to give my love, and  waits for the flowers to be delivered on the day of.  I just can't find it in myself to do.  On that note, I do have to say that my all-time favorite gift from Lincoln came to me on Valentine's Day '04 (just two weeks before we got married).  We did (semi) celebrate V-Day before we got married, but agreed that our anniversary was going to be more important to celebrate than V-Day after we got married.  So, 2 short weeks before we got married Lincoln presented me with a home made card on Valentine's Day.  It had a picture of our new family on the front - me (with a much bigger belly than I already had), a heart on my belly for our baby, and him.  I've forgotten what it said exactly (I have it in a keepsake box), but the point was he assured me, for the millionth time, that the baby and I were now his family - the loves of his life - and that he would do anything in the world for us from that point on.  It was, and still is, the best gift I've ever received from him.  

I use Valentine's Day to celebrate the love our family has together.  We celebrated early and had a family day yesterday.  We went to STL, just the four of us.  We stopped by Maryville and visited with Coach.  It was so good to see him (it's been a little over a year!).  Graysen and I enjoyed watching the three boys play a round of basketball in the gym where Lincoln spent countless hours playing in college.  Then we headed to Chuck E. Cheese!  This is one of our all-time favorite places to go!  It's fun for literally the entire family, and it's one of the few public places where I feel safe letting Hunter run and play!  We ordered a cheese pizza and spent 3 hours playing over 100 games!  This was the first trip with Graysen where she could walk and play herself.  She mastered climbing in the toddler play area and going down the slide by herself.  Although it was a tough call to leave at the 3 hour mark, we decided it was probably best to head on out.  We stopped by Target and picked up a few goodies.  Graysen got two new pairs of shoes, and Hunter got new swords!  Then we were on our way to Hermann for Lincoln's basketball game.  (One of the things I love about family days is that Lincoln often sacrifices for the good of the family, instead of making us cut our day short and coming back home so he could ride the bus to the game, he made arrangements to meet them at the game in order to give us an extra 3 hours in STL!)  The kids slept all the way, and Lincoln and I got some great conversation in.  The kids and I stayed for the first half of the JV game and headed on home.  We were all exhausted!  

It was a terrific day - I am so blessed to have a family who loves each other the way we do.  My kids are best friends, and my husband and I are best friends.  What more could you ask for then a day to spend with the best people in the entire world?!  

Valentine's Day 2008 (2009's picture to come tomorrow!)

Family Day 2009

STJ

St. James = mixed emotions for me.

Some days I like the small town atmosphere. Others I would do almost anything to escape it.

Sometimes I like it only taking 3 minutes to drive from one side of town to the other, sometimes I long to see a maze of lanes, ramps, and exits ahead of me.

Sometimes it's nice to know exactly what store you need to go to to find a specific item. Other times I would die to have a mall to pop over to just to browse.

I like that people know me and that they are generally supportive of my family. But what I wouldn't give to be able to disappear if I wanted to.

I enjoy the security of knowing the housing market and having a real estate agent we can trust. But...I wish there was a much larger housing market to choose from.

I appreciate restaurants more because I have to drive 1.5 to eat for special occasions, but I wouldn't a Red Lobster down the road be nice? And what about little specialty bakery?

Sometimes the perks of people knowing your family members is good - other times I wish I could be judged because of who I am, not because of who I am related to.

I like the lack of competition in my field of work, but wish that there were more options for employment in my career.

It's nice to have friends who have known you forever, but other times I wish there were new people to become friends with as well.

I'm glad that we won't be overwhelmed with activities for my children, but wish there was a much larger variety for them to choose from when they get into High School.

Such a hard concept...

Death is such a hard concept to discuss with a 4 year old.  Hunter went out to the cemetery with me on Tuesday to take 3 pink balloons to Claire's grave.  He used to go out with me every day following her death and then went with me weekly until I got pregnant with Graysen at which point I only went on occasion.  So, it had been a few months since he had been there.  Tonight he told Lincoln he wanted to go "back out to the stones".  Lincoln knew immediately what he meant and had a discussion with him about his sister and how she was only buried there, that she lives in Heaven and that we can "visit" with her anytime - we don't have to go to "the stones".  

After a rather lengthy discussion about how we will see her again someday when we go to live in Heaven Hunter started to tear up and ran in the other room.  Lincoln followed and got him to open up and discuss what made him start to cry.  He confided in his Dad that he did not want Graysen to go to Heaven.  That he wanted her here with him because he loved her so much.  (Yes, I'm crying as I'm writing this).  He obviously thought all of his sisters were going to go there without him.  Lincoln assured him that Graysen wasn't going anywhere for awhile and that all was going to be alright.  

The hospital gave me all kinds of literature on sibling grieving when Claire passed, but Hunter was so little he never really understood what was happening.  It breaks my heart that we have to struggle through this time with him - when he really only half understands the concepts that are already present in his life.  I pray that God will give me the right words and information to pass on to him so that he is not upset and understands that it really is all a GOOD THING!  

Today's Verse to Ponder

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trail you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

- 1 Peter 4:12-13

The love of a GG

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of my Grandma and kids.  I think you can just see the love the three of them have for each other in their eyes.  It makes me so happy to know that my kids and I will have wonderful memories of their GG to share together.  

Hunter's First REAL Drawing

This morning Hunter and I were playing Tic Tac Toe - one of his favorite games - and it turned into a drawing session.  Hunter has never had much patience for drawing, coloring etc.  He would MUCH rather be up and running around playing something active rather than sitting doing a quiet activity.  But, today, he drew a football field (a real circle with yard lines going in the correct direction, and two end goals), seats on one side of the field, lines on the other side (swarms of people running in to see the game), and one real person at the bottom.  He started with two legs and two feet and then moved to the head, including eyes, nose, and mouth.  Lastly, he added the arms, hands, and fingers.  It really looked like a person.  For some four year olds this may not be much of an accomplishment, but for my son, who has never be interested in learning to draw anything real, or color inside the lines, this is huge!  I wish I had a scanner so you all could see, but it did go on the fridge...and will soon go in his keepsake box! 

A birthday note to my Angel Claire

Baby girl,

Today marks your 3rd birthday! It's really amazing how much joy and healing has happened since that day. God has blessed me with a family full of people who have helped heal the part of my heart that you took to Heaven with you.  Thank you for being my angel, for reminding me daily that there is a loving God waiting to reunite us someday.  

I can't wait to hold you in Heaven.

Love,

Mommy

2 new words

Hunter is constantly learning new words and phrases...some great, others...well, not so much.  Today, within 5 minutes of each other he said the following:

"Wow!  You smell fantastic!"  (fantastic is a wonderful, fairly new descriptive word)

"Ah, man, that sucks!"  (I'm not sure where he got sucks, but it's our not so good descriptive word)

Oh well - you win some, you lose some!  :0)

Finally - a SAHM!!!!

I have been struggling for a long time with the chaos that is called our lives.  My dream was always to be a stay at home mom to my children.  To raise them the way that I saw fit, and not to send them to someone else to raise for 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  This has not been the case so far though.  When Hunter was born I was miserably working at FCFP.  Lincoln and I decided that it was a perfect time for me to escape that place and stay at home with our first-born son.  I stayed at home 12 short weeks and then went back to work out of necessity.  I got a job at the STJ Middle School as an aide in the Special Ed Dept.  I enjoyed my work, but only stayed there 2 months.  An opening came up in the Technology Dept. at the High School building and I jumped on that.  It was the perfect job for me.  I got to be around computers all day (which I love learning about), and the people I worked with in my office were a dream!  The only downfall...the pay!  I stayed there 3 years.  For the first year Lincoln kept Hunter during the week and on Mondays he went to either the flower shop with G.G. and A. Lisa, or Bixler Printing with Grandma and Cousin Nel.  After that he got to be too old to hang out at those places and we put him in daycare with Mary Wools.  She lived right next door to us, and it was a perfect set up...if you can call daycare the perfect set up.  After 3 years in the Technology Office, we decided that I would once again try to be a stay at home mom.  I was pregnant for the 4th time (with Graysen).  It was a blessing that I was at home because I got put on bedrest for 10 weeks at the end of the pregnancy anyway!  When Gray was 7 months old we decided that I would start baby sitting in our home...and once the word got out, I couldn't say no!  We ended up with 3 full time kids and 1 part time...plus our 2!  Our lives were crazy...which brings me to this story!

I have been considering going to back to school to get my RN.  I called my Mom to talk it over with her and she finally vocalized the words that I had been avoiding for so many years.  Our lives were too crazy as it was - how could I dream of putting one more thing on my plate?!  To make a long story short, after lots of tears and a long conversation with Lincoln - we made the decision that I would OFFICIALLY become a SAHM!  No more odd jobs - nothing until Gray goes to Kindergarten.  At that point I would go back to school to get a degree that would help me continue onto a career for the rest of my working years.  So - come May, I am finally going to be living my dream!  I am so excited and we are so blessed to be able to do this with our children!!!

My Challenge to You

God said "Be STILL and KNOW that I am God."  Do you think it's possible that we so often find that God is "silent" to us because aren't in the silence with Him?  Maybe we should stop wondering why God has "abandoned" us and go be where He is.  

I would like to challenge everyone to take some time every day to sit in silence.  I'm going to start with 5 minutes a day and would like to increase it by a minute or two each week.  I know that it's no secret that we live in an extremely busy and noisy society, but I was really struck by the truth of this today.  It's wonderful if you already take "quiet time" each day...listening to praise songs, reading your bible, praying, etc.  But do you ever just sit with no outside noise or distractions? Ever lock yourself in a closet if need to be drown out the noise just to sit?  I would challenge you do this.  

I know to some of us with children, husbands, and jobs it sounds like close to an impossibility...but I ask you - what is the alternative?  I think the other option is to be far away from God, to not hear Him speaking to us, to not know His will.  Take turns with your husband for 5 minutes watching the kids, stay up after the rest of the family is in bed and not pick up your book or turn on the TV.  

Be still.  And know that I am God.

- Psalm 46:10

Tooth Fairy Confusion

A few nights ago I was reading Hunter his bedtime story.  This particular night it was "The Berenstein Bears Go to the Dentist".  In the story Sister Bear loses her first tooth, leaves it under her pillow and receives a dime.  So we were talking about how neat it was that Sister got a new dime, and Hunter says "so...now she'll put it in her mouth and have her new tooth?!"

Apparently Hunter thought that the tooth fairy came, took your old tooth, and left you a new one to put in your mouth.  How adorable is that?!  So, after some explaining he understood that a dime is a coin, and the tooth fairy just takes your tooth and leaves you either money or a present in return...your new tooth grows in your mouth by itself.  

:0)   

Spreading the Love Update...

So...I decided to do a challenge this month called "Spreading the Love".  The challenge was basically to take a purchase that you are going to buy anyway (whatever it may be) and purchase it from a small independent business (Etsy, hometown, etc.)  Today I got an invitation in the mail for a baby shower and it said "registered at Babies R Us, Target, and Walmart"...I was so excited to be able to complete the challenge (for the first time this month!).  So...instead of those sites, I went to:

etsy.com and found this super cute item, sproutingup.com and plan on purchasing this...and...thecreativeoutlet.shutterfly.com and getting a Bib-It!

Etsy is an awesome site full of homemade items that are to die for, Sprouting Up is a natural baby store locally owned by a woman here in STJ, and The Creative Outlet are crafts done by a fellow Mom that I go to MOPS with (I buy most of Graysen's hair bows from her as well...).  

So - the challenge is complete - and it's only the first week!  I hope I can complete it at least once more this month!

10 Super Ideas for someone on bed rest

My poor cousin has just been put on bed rest (at 30 weeks)...so, I thought I would make a list of the top 10 most awesome things people did for me while I was on bed rest for 10 weeks.  We will all surely know someone in our lives that will be banished to bed for a few weeks...here are some ideas!

1.  Depending on where she is spending most of her time, buy her new sheets or a super comfy blanket to cuddle up with (Thank you for showing me this Bethany!)

2.  Loan her books if she is a reader, rent her movies if she likes those

3.  Paint her toe nails and finger nails

4.  Take her child out to do something fun and take lots of pictures for her!

5.  Take her dinner and "make ahead" sandwiches or lunches that she can just grab out of the fridge and head back to bed with.  (With dinner take paper plates and plastic utensils so there are no dishes to do!)

6.  Talk to her about other things than JUST the baby when you visit her...that's on her mind all day - I promise she wants to know what's happening in the outside world!

7.  Don't ask her husband to do anything that will take him away from her for long hours or days at a time...she is obviously in a "scary" condition and doesn't need that extra stress of him being away.

8.  Clean the room that she is spending all of her time in.  Everyone rests better in a clean room!

9.  Make art work with her child(ren) for her to hang on the wall nearest her "post".

10.  Offer to take her out of the house to your house once in awhile (if this is allowed).  Have a special spot already set up for her when she arrives.

Lovely Remarks

So I hope no one takes offense to all of my posts this week about death and helping those through it...but I think it's a topic that's so rarely addressed....and NEEDS TO BE!  I've been there - I know that most people don't know what to say...so as I have good ideas, suggestions, etc. I'm going to post them on here - my goal is to break the ice and tell everyone...that IT'S BETTER TO SAY SOMETHING THAN NOTHING AT ALL!!!!

Here is part of an email that I got from a very dear friend of mine tonight - her grandma passed away this week the year after Claire:

"We're thinking of you and Lincoln this month.  It's so surreal that it's here again.  The week bring such mixed feelings for my family - as I'm sure it does for you as well.  I wish I could have been there when Claire was born - I would have loved to meet her, but I know I will one day.  I'm sure my grandmother is squishing her cheeks off as we speak!  lol  :0)"    

"My Own Self"

A few mornings ago Lincoln went in Hunter's room to spend some one on one time with him when he woke up.  Hunter was rubbing Lincoln's goatee...

Hunter: I don't have any hair on my face Daddy

Lincoln: No, because you're still too young, but you will some day, just like me!

Hunter:  No, I won't!

Lincoln:  Why?

Hunter:  Because I want to be my own self!

Lincoln then proceeded to tell him how wonderful it is to not do something just because someone else is doing it and how important it is to make decisions for your own life based on what God tells us to do.  

"My own self" - where did he get that phrase?!  

People don't always forget

My daughter's birthday is on Tuesday.  Usually at this time I would be posting about all the fun birthday party preparations I would be doing for her 3rd birthday party...but I'm not because she's having her party without me.  She's having it in Heaven with God and a host of angels.  I'm sure they'll sing Happy Birthday much nicer than I do!  Ha ha.  The 10th is both her birthday here on Earth and her Welcome to Heaven Day.  I had her for about one hour and then God came for her...and I was okay.

Her first birthday several of my best friends remembered and called, sent flowers, or cards.  My cousin took a rose out to Claire's grave.  Our families (both sides) went out to eat together on her birthday.  It was nice that so many people acknowledged it just like they do my other children's birthdays.  

The second year only those very closest to me called or came by on her birthday.  My mom, my sister, my grandma, my cousin.  I'll be honest, it was hard for me that so many others forgot. 

The other day my Grandma brought me home a gift from a wonderful woman.  I'm not sure how she remembers, she is not an especially close family friend.  But, God used her to bring me a wonderful book about healing and remembrance.  I will never be able to put into words how much it means to me that she not only remembered, but was not afraid to acknowledge it.  Her card was short, but heart felt.  The perfect thing I needed at this time of year.  

On Claire's third birthday my mom and I are going to go out to brunch and then get pedicures together.  I think it's something that we may do with her on her 3rd birthday.  How fun it would be to take her to a salon and get her finger and toenails painted.  I'm sure she would pick out a pretty pink and be thrilled for the time with her Mommy and Grammie.  This year I've decided not to focus on how many people remember, or are brave enough to acknowledge, but to enjoy my time with my mom and to take some quiet time for myself to think through all the memories of those few days - the good and the bad.  And do some more healing.  

My "to see" Movie List

1.  The Bucket List

2.  The Bank Job

3.  21

4.  Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II

5.  House Bunny

6.  The Women

7.  The Express

8.  Horton Hears a Who

9.  Space Buddies

...but he was still hungry!

One of our favorite children's books is "The Very Hungry Caterpillar".  When Hunter was first becoming interested in books he would sit through about half of a book at a time - except this one!  I could read this one to him 3 times through before he would tire and want down.  When he started to talk he loved to say those words ("...but he was still hungry!") at the right time.  I love repetitive books like this one because it allows non-readers to be an active participant in the story.  As you can see, Hunter also loved to "read" this story to Graysen when she was little.  He was thrilled when I found her a "Caterpillar" onsie that she could wear as he read her the story.  I'm sure we've got many more readings of this family favorite ahead of us!  

ps - this is the first scrapblog I've done without using a template!  :0)

God Answers Prayer

What an awesome God we have!  

I go through seasons of my life when I begin to question...does God really listen to my prayers?  Does he EVER answer them the way I want them to be answered?!  Sometimes it feels like He is adamant about doing the opposite of what I ask, or ignores my requests all together.  

Today I was reminded that not only does God answer prayers...but if we have our eyes and ears open we will sometimes find out that he answers them before we even ask!  I had something very important (info for another post) to talk to three women about today and I prayed all afternoon for God to prepare their hearts for what I was about to tell them.  Amazingly, (maybe it shouldn't be amazing since I know God works in wondrous ways...) two of them were extremely supportive of what I said, and the third one actually responded with "it's funny that you say that because as I was driving home yesterday something just told me that."  Wow!  God had prepared her heart to hear my words a whole day before I even asked Him to!  

Now that's a MIGHTY God!

A "girly girl"?

I have always wanted a "girly girl" for a daughter.  (I'll admit it)  You know - one who doesn't really enjoy playing outside, likes to play dolls, loves to sing and dance.  Sometimes I feel like I've got one - she loves to sleep with her baby doll, often totes the mini version around with her, talks on a cell phone all day long, never stops blabbing her mouth, and already throws monstrous melt down fits when she doesn't get her way.  At other moments I think I've got Hunter and mini-me running around the house.  They love to play tackle and climb on anything and everything.  Instead of playing with her doll house today - Graysen was on TOP of her doll house...not quite what I have imagined it being used for!

Spreading the love

spreading the love badge
Originally uploaded by joyful.star

I'm taking the challenge...will you?

http://ourlittleapartment.blogspot.com/2009/02/ready-for-challenge-spread-love-baby.html

A few more emotional and behavioral goals...

I was such a fan of the Duggars goals (found here) that I went looking for some more that I could add to the list.  Here is what I found.  I am planning on doing a weekly "lesson" on each of these with Hunter...and I'm looking the "right" place to display them in my home....maybe a few in each room, maybe one big list on the fridge...what do you think?!

1.  Always be enthusiastic and look for opportunities to praise others' character.

2.  Always deflect praise and be grateful to God and others for the ways they have benefited your life.

3.  Always use manners and be respectful of others and their belongings

4.  Always do what is right, even when others may not, or when no one is looking.

5.  Thank God for how He made you, for what He has given you and everything He allows you to go through.  (Romans 8:28)

6.  Don't mock or put others down.  Develop compassion and pray for others.

7.  Never argue, complain, or blame.  Quickly admit when you have done wrong and ask for forgiveness (even if you were only 10% at fault).  Don't wait until you get caught.  Be sure your sins will find you out.  He who covers his sin will not prosper, but he that confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy.

8.  Have a tough accountability / prayer partner to daily share your heart with and to keep you in line (your parents, spouse, etc.).  The power of sin is in secrecy.  

What are Grammie's for?!

I'm so blessed to have a mother who wants to play an active role in my children's lives!  She is awesome at helping me teach them all of the little things that I enjoyed as a child, but have somehow forgotten.  Such as this day...when I walked in the kitchen and she was teaching Hunter how to roast marshmallows at the stove!  How fun!

Super Bowl Sunday...

I'm not a sports fan.  I don't "celebrate" sports holidays (World Series, Super Bowl, etc.).  But today I'm trying something different.  We're having some friends over tonight for the Super Bowl.  I'm making some food...trying another one of the Duggar's recipes actually!  I'm looking forward to visiting with our friends...I'll pick to cheer for the team opposite my husband - just because.  We shall see how it goes over.  

I still don't understand why in the world the game doesn't start until bed time though...