Love isn't always enough.

Yesterday morning Blake and I rocked for almost 45 minutes before school while he cried.
The first words out of his mouth that morning were
"Mommy, I need to go back to Ethiopia and see my mom."

Older child adoption is hard.
So worth it, but sometimes it's excruciating.

I hugged him,
cried with him,
looked at every little detail of the pictures of his mom.

I talked about what his grandma looks like,
because we don't have a picture of her.

We talked about Ethiopian food,
Ethiopian music,
Ethiopian siblings.

I tried to explain to him that we can't just go to Ethiopia today.
"After school, Mom?"
No, not after school either.

What kills my heart even more is the unknown.
When we show up in their village 10 years from now...
will his grandmother and mother be there to welcome them home,
or will they have passed on?
Will their brother remember them, or will he have forgotten?
Their one year old sister will most definitely not remember.

How do I sooth my hurting child's heart during these times?
Because there most certainly will be more.
Many more over the years.

Father,
Please heal his heart.
Please give him the comfort that his first mom and I can not give him right now.

Thoughts

I'm considering making my blog private. Not private, like only inviting certain people to read it, but private like just for me...and some day my kids. Making it a real journal. There are some tough issues I want to write about...some things I want my kids to read about some day, but things that I definitely don't want everyone else reading. Things I don't want others opinions on. So...if I disappear, you'll know why.

I love Graysen's imagination right now. It's amazing! It's as though since her brothers have been gone during the day she is finally free to play whatever she wants to without being told the "rules" to play by...and her mind is soaring! It's so beautiful to see. Just a few minutes ago we kicked, wrestled, and wrangled a tiger that was loose in our house. Thank goodness she tied it up while I was kicking it!

Our tiger tied up, sitting nicely on the living room floor.

I also adore how my three boys are learning to play so many games together! They are definitely using their imaginations as well, but it's a different kind. They create games, rules, and all play together, Graysen on the other hand pretends imaginary things exist.

Graysen has FINALLY started naming her baby dolls! I've asked her what their names were since she was able to talk, but she always says "Baby"...then they were all named "Graysen". Now, she has one special doll...and guess what her name is?

JAYNA!

Yes, Jay, she loves you...and misses you! :0) Feel privileged!

I just sent a package of hair rubber bands, head bands, and combs to the AAI office in Washington State. It's almost the Ethiopian New Year (September 11th), and the girls like to do more elaborate hair do's...and I want to make sure they have plenty of rubber bands to do them with! I can't wait to see traveling parents pictures of all the girls. Layla usually has a pretty elaborate New Years Celebration. I'm so glad that my boys were at a place that really loves the kids and does special things for them as they can.

Does it make me a bad mom to not buy school pictures? I get my kids pictures taken every year the week of their birthday...so I have yearly pictures. I just think school pictures are silly, not ever very good, and I really don't want to waste 48.00 on them. (Yes, that's right, the cheapest package is 16.00...and this year I have 3 kids in school.) I'm thinking it might look bad to not buy them though. Oh well, I have until tomorrow to decide.

I am loving my Nook. Really loving it. I can access the internet on it, I can download music to it, I can read books on it...what more could a girl want?! I have downloaded about 5 free books, and 1 that I paid .98 for. It even saves your page for you when you turn it off and back on, it's automatically on the right page! It's great!

I'm seriously considering having a Pad Party. Yes, you heard me right. I am hoping to make some reusable, washable menstrual pads for the girls of Korah. I had a big elaborate blog post dedicated just to this party that I'm wanting to throw, but it just doesn't feel right...I think I'll just have a few people over and we'll do what we can. If you're interested in learning more go to this blog and read all about it...it's a great thing, really. If you're interested in coming over and helping, let me know.



I've been feeling very lonely lately. A deep, painful kind of lonely. I'm praying to God. Struggling with God. Questioning God. I know He has put me here. In this season of my life. In this place. I am just not sure why. All I know is that I'm begging Him. Pleading with Him to fill me up. Not to fill me up with friends to fill my time, but with Him, with His love, His peace, His abundant Grace. I believe (although it's not fun) that sometimes God has to empty you in order to fill you back up...

I will tell you that having friends like this makes it easier...much, easier.

Friends that will drop everything to lay on the ground and help you get some things done that you've been putting off.

Friends who will bring 4 more kids over, eat leftover with you for dinner, and play together like we're kids ourselves. Friends who get me. Friends who love me enough to help me work through the hard, messy parts of life.

I think that's all for today folks. I'm going to fold some major laundry. Some days I don't mind doing it, just don't have the energy (or time) to fold it...today, is folding day! :0)

Meant to be

Yet another wonderful song by Steven Curtis Chapman! My hope is that in the dark times of your lives you remember that you were fearfully, wonderfully, beautifully made...and meant to be!





Long before you drew your first breath,
the dream was coming true
God wanted to give a gift to the world,
so he wrapped it up in you
Every step that you've taken,
every move that you make is part of his plan

You were meant to be touching the lives that you've touched
And meant to be here making this world so much more than it would be without you in it
You were meant to be bringing the gifts you bring
And singing the songs you've been given to sing
You were perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be

Long before you took your first walk
and stumbled to the ground
God started telling the story of you
to the angels gathered round
Every failure and victory, and everything in between,
it's all in his hands

You were meant to be touching the lives that you've touched
And meant to be here making this world so much more than it would be without you in it
You were meant to be bringing the gifts you bring
And singing the songs you've been given to sing
You were perfectly, wonderfully, beautifully meant to be
You were meant to be

You are, you are, you are meant to be

For every breath that you're taking, and every move that you make
It's a meaningful life you've been given, so live it well

My Own Little World: A Lesson For My Children

Dear Redburn Children,

It is my prayer that you take this lesson to heart. I pray that you will never live in your "own little world", but in the large world that God created. The world where He intended us to love one another, care for one another, and sacrifice for one another.

Love,
Your Momma
(who is just now slowly learning to leave her "own little world" behind)



In my own little world it hardly ever rains
I’ve never gone hungry or always felt safe
I got some money in my pocket
Shoes on my feet
In my own little world
Population me

I try to stay awake through the Sunday morning church
I throw a twenty in the plate but I never give ’til it hurts
and I turn off the news when I don’t like what I see
it’s easy to do when it’s
population me

What if there’s a bigger picture
what if I’m missing out
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world

Stopped at the red light, looked out my window
Outside the car, saw a sign, said “Help this homeless widow”
Just above this sign was the face of a human
I thought to myself, “God, what have I been doing?”
So I rolled down my window and I looked her in the eye
Oh how many times have I just passed her by
I gave her some money then I drove on through
in my own little world there’s
Population two

What if there’s a bigger picture
what if I’m missing out
What if there’s a greater purpose
I could be living right now
outside my own little world

Start breaking my heart for what breaks Yours
give me open hands and open doors
put Your light in my eyes and let me see
that my own little world is not about me

ps - thanks Britt for introducing me to this song!

Yesterday was a good day.

Yesterday was a good day.

Because I took a long walk in the morning after dropping the boys off at school. I got to visit with my husband and a cousin that we rarely see.

Because I got my hair done by my favorite sister. Let's be honest, what's better than getting your hair washed at the salon, drinking a strawberry limeade and talking with your sister?!

Because my daughter and I got to cuddle under this old family quilt for most of the afternoon and watch Disney movies.


Because we got to visit with the nice lady on the next street over on our walk home from school. I learn something new about her life every day, and I learned that she had 5 miscarriages and never gave birth to a live baby. She told me she was never a mother and I got to remind her that she most definitely was...x5! I also learned that she ran a daycare for a long time...and that my kids are welcome to come pick up the walnuts in her yard anytime we want to!

Because after school we all got to eat ice cream, and boy was it good!

Because Hunter came home with a special announcement...

He counted to 109 all by himself today for the teacher!

Because I wasn't feeling good my mom brought dinner to my house!

Because even though I'm 27, I still get birthday cake and get sung to!

Because my mom and Charlie embrace my nerdy side and got me a nook for my birthday!

Thank you family for being so wonderful and making yesterday a great birthday!

God makes awesome bugs.

Can you spot him?

There he is!

I love learning opportunities like this with my kids.
We were able to marvel at the awesome design God has for so many creatures.

Happy Birthday Papa

Each year that passes I am even more grateful that you are in our lives.

Thank you for loving our family as your own.

Our Lions Club Park Photo Shoot

The kids love Lions Club Park!

When it used to just be Hunter and Gray I would take my book and sit and read while they played on one of the playgrounds...

Not so much anymore! Four is a little different.
This time I took my cross stitch...but, accomplished nothing!

Aren't they just precious?

Oh wait...their true colors are beginning to show!

Yup, this looks much more like them.

Really Silas? Every. single. picture. I have of him would look like this if I'd let him. He also dances like this, and scares his sister like this...well, you get the idea.

My little rascal.
Get it? This is the club sign in Little Rascals.

Thanks for keeping me hoppin' kids. I need it!

3 Months Home

We are required to write a post placement report at 3 months, 6 months, 12 months, and annually after we've arrived home with our adopted children from Ethiopia. These reports help the Ethiopian Government see that their children are thriving and doing well in America with their new families. Birth families are also allowed to come and request to see the reports, getting an update on their children. Here is to 3 months as a family - to the good and the bad!

3 Month Post Placement Report

8/22/2010

Redburn Family

Placement Date: 5/22/2010

Bizayehu Lincoln Redburn (Blake Bizayehu Gabriel Redburn)

Sintayehu Lincoln Redburn (Silas Sintayehu Gabriel Redburn)

Date of Birth: 2/23/04

	Bizayehu’s current height is 48 inches and he weighs 49.8 pounds. Bizayehu has been seen by his doctor on May 24, and June 17. He has seen the International Adoption Doctor on June 3. He has seen the dentist on July 20. He is currently healthy and doing very well. He has been treated for Giardia and it is currently gone. His hearing and vision have been screened and are both perfect.
Sintayehu’s current height is 48 inches and he weighs 49.8 pounds. Sintayehu has been seen by his doctor on May 24, and June 17. He has seen the International Adoption Doctor on June 3. He has had an Echo for his heart murmur on July 9 and the doctors have told us it is nothing to be concerned about. He has seen the dentist on July 20. He is currently healthy and doing very well. He has been treated for Giardia and it is currently gone. His hearing and vision have been screened and they are both perfect.

Both boys have wonderful appetites, and are adjusting to American food. We visit the local Ethiopian restaurant regularly, and they still adore their native foods! They have actually taught us about several new foods that our family now enjoys. They are both very active boys, who love to swim, jump on the trampoline, ride their two wheel bikes, play on the playground at school, and play on a local soccer team. They are quickly picking up on the English language.

		Bizayehu and Sintayehu have come home to their dad and mom as well as a brother (age 6 yrs), and a sister (age 2 yrs). Both boys are building an attachment to both of us, and their siblings. They are openly affectionate and enjoy spending time with all of us. They are comfortable with the many extended family members who live nearby. They are very social. They are smart and happy. They really enjoy playing with their new brother and sister.
	Sintayehu and Bizayehu are currently enrolled at the local elementary school and are attending Kindergarten five days a week. They are in separate classes, and are enjoying making their own friends and excelling at their own subject areas. Both boys’ teachers speak very highly of them. They are funny, well behaved children, both at home and in school.

We attend a Christian Church weekly and the boys are both active in the Jr. Worship program. We also have a weekly Bible Study group and the boys have become good friends with the other children in that group. I believe they are growing an understanding of Jesus Christ and the Salvation He offers us.

We completed the process to readopt Bizayehu and Sintayehu and our case was heard in US Courts on July 14. Their new names are Blake Bizyaehu Gabriel Redburn and Silas Sintayehu Gabriel Redburn. We chose the name Gabriel as an honor to their birth father. We kept Bizayehu’s birthday as February 23, 2004, and changed Sintayehu’s to February 24, 2004, as their birth mother told us he was born after midnight. We believe it is special to know such an intimate detail of their birth story and wanted to honor that.

We are very thankful to the Ethiopian Government for allowing us to adopt our sons. We believe the Ethiopian Government is making a good plan for children by allowing them to be adopted abroad. We have found a small community of local Ethiopian people and other Ethiopian adopted children to surround Bizayehu and Sintayehu with and intend to help our sons maintain pride in Ethiopia, in hope that someday, in some way, they might be able to give back to their birth country.

Sincerely,

Lincoln and Ashley Redburn

Sunday recap

...more of my vocal journal of our trip to Ethiopia

"Well, it's the end of Sunday, and I don't even know what all I want to say. I did shoot several emails home today.

The boys are just beautiful, they are so enthusiastic about life, which, you know, is wonderful, and I see that in Hunter, but, it's different seeing it in these boys, and knowing the hardships that they've had to face. I would think that they would be very down on life, but they're not at all, they're happy and they're smiling, and they are dancing and they're singing and playing.

It has taken a lot more energy than I had expected, mostly just the communication, more than anything else. Very, very little English, although Bizayehu, especially, will repeat anything that you say. Sintayehu is very quiet, but I can tell that he's taking it all in . He's very reflective, very thoughtful.

Today was a good day, it was awesome. I'm very thankful to God for bringing us this far on this journey and I pray that He will continue to see us through. I know that the journey is not nearly over yet.

The boys are tucked in bed, in the room right next to us, it's just an open doorway between the rooms and Lincoln is taking a shower ( a very cold one with no water pressure...) and I've just crawled in bed. Tomorrow morning Gail is supposed to be here at 9. There is another family coming in tonight. We need to do some paperwork she said and then we'll head back over to Layla, probably the boys will go to school, and we will do some shopping or something of the sorts tomorrow.

Everything was good, the Ethiopian people for the most part have been very, very kind, especially the employees of places - The Ritmo, Layla, the restaurant we've been eating at. Very kind, so I've been grateful for that. Walking the streets with the boys we've had a few people smile and wave, and be very kind, but mostly they just avoid us.

The country is horrible and beautiful all in the same breath. I don't know it's definitely a developing country. You can see construction and people working hard, but you can also see the extreme poverty surrounding us. Very heartbreaking.

We should explore more in the city tomorrow, today was basically just a day to get to know the boys. I feel like we did pretty well today. I think we made some progress and I think they're beginning to trust us. I know that is going to be a long process and I don't think that they fully grasp the concept that they are coming home with us forever, but I think they're starting to get it. We've looked at lots and lots of pictures today over and over again talking about what each one is. I think that's helping, but anyway, I am going to turn in for the night and I will report some more tomorrow!"

Arriving in Addis!

...more from my voice recorder on our trip to Ethiopia.

"We are about 1/2 an hour away from landing in Addis, and that means that we're about 16 hours away from meeting the boys!

All we can see out the window is clouds, but we're getting ready to start our decent, and eeekkkk,I can't believe we're here! I can't believe we did this, it's pretty awesome.

Anyway, I will probably talk more when we get into the guest house. We met Sheryl and her sister in Frankfurt. They are both very nice. Gail (one of the in country staff members) is sending a driver to pick all of us up. Getting our luggage and all of us in one vehicle might be humorous, I'm sure we'll have stories to tell after we land. I'll talk again then.

I can now see Addis, or at least part of it. Maybe it's the outlying areas of Addis. It's very lush, lots of patches of farmland. You can tell the soil, um, but very green, very beautiful. There's one winding dirt road that runs for as far as I can see. The houses are very spread out. It's beautiful. It's much different than the US. Much, less populated, less, overgrown. Looking out the plane window right now at it as we fly over, we've got about 5 minutes until we land. Several huge mountains that are very green with lots of trees.

Wow. Oh, wow, there's a, maybe a church or something, it's got a bright blue roof and it's made in a circle. Okay, now we're getting into Addis I'd say. It's a lot more, a lot more buildings, a lot more crowded, again just a few streets, they look, maybe paved this time.

Lots of colors, even from here you can see all of the blues, purple, green, red on the buildings. Pretty awesome. I wish Hunter and Graysen were here to see it.

There's lots of little groups of maybe 5 story tall buildings. All facing different directions, but all in a group together, there's like 3 or 4 of those, not sure what those are.

Oh yeah, they're paved, oh yeah, lots of traffic. Pretty cool, orange, wow.

It's neat to see it this close, but on top of it. Some real tall skinny trees, not many leaves on them. And we are touching down! There we go, oh yeah, we're on the ground...

There' s a little red shack with clothes line drying. I can tell that there's going to be a lot to take in on this trip (crying). Alright, I'm going to get our stuff ready..."

On the way to Frankfurt...

I took my voice recorder with me to Ethiopia and am just now (3 months later) getting around to listening to what I recorded and writing it down. Some of it may not be interesting at all, but it's part of our journey and I want to make sure it's documented.

"It is now sometime after 6:00, which would be sometime after 5:00 back home. We are in the plane on the way to Frankfurt, Germany. We are having some detours. There's some storm over the Atlantic Ocean and we can't find airspace, so we're headed up toward NY for no apparent reason. This plane is the most cramped plane I have ever seen in my entire life. The guy in front of me has laid his seat back and literally my knees are jammed in the seat...so, uh, this should be a very encouraging 9 hours. I'm trying real hard to stay positive, trying to keep my eye on the long term goal. We're going to get the boys, and whatever it takes to get there, we'll do, so...

Anyway, our trip so far has been pretty uneventful. We talked to Mom and Kara for the first time in DC, probably won't talk to anyone on the phone again until we get back to DC, uh next Saturday the 22nd with the boys in tow. I will send emails as soon as I can, aside from that, I'm listening to some Norah Jones and I'm going to try to get some rest, so I'll talk to you some more later!"

Happy Birthday Grammie!

My Mommy. She has sacrificed so much over the last (almost) 27 years, and I am thankful each day for all that she's given and done. I am so blessed to have my Mom close by. We are lucky to have a close relationship, I know I can count on her! Here are some fun pictures to show you a bit of her personality!

Another reason I am blessed by my mother is that she has a great relationship with my husband! She really has welcomed him as a part of the family, he's nothing less than the son she never had!
Laying with Lincoln in my hospital room during the long hours of labor with Claire.

She always makes it a priority to be around for special events.
Here she is with Graysen for her 1st Halloween.

She takes us on fun adventures and helps TONS with my kids so that I can enjoy as well.
Apple picking at Ekhert's Farm.

Taking Hunter to his first Sesame Street Live Performance.


She's always the first to congratulate me when I've accomplished something in my life.
Getting my first hug and kiss from my momma after giving birth to Graysen.

She's a good example for my children.
Posing to show Hunter how I wanted him to sit for a picture.

She is happy when I am happy and sad when I am sad. She is supportive and encouraging when I need it the most.
Holding her granddaughter Claire just after her birth.

She's not afraid to make messes when it means that the kids are having fun or learning something!
Teaching Hunter how to make popcorn balls.

She takes an interest in whatever interests those she loves. She has always been interested in dancing for my sake, and sports for Hunter's!
Cheering with Hunter at a local High School Football game.

She loves to teach and show my kids new things! She shares in their excitement and makes the feel very special.
Popping popcorn on the stove for the first time.

She puts her family first. She has learned well from her mother and has taught her daughters and granddaughter well.
Maybe my favorite picture of all time. This was taken at the end of November and Grandma went to Heaven 3.5 months later.

She helps us through tough parenting times. She tries to ease the pain for both parents and children!
Helping us strip Hunter down after an afternoon of playing in the mud. He wasn't so happy play time was over.

She accepts us for who we are. She shows her love for us by supporting our decisions and helping (in more ways than I can mention) to make our dreams come true.
Meeting her new grandsons Silas and Blake for the first time at the STL airport.

She loves our kids unconditionally.
Grammie and Hunter at his 6th birthday party.

She plays football with our boys and paints our daughter's nails. Whatever it is they enjoy, you'll find her doing!
Painting Graysen's toenails at the beauty shop one afternoon.

She makes sure our kids feel special and important. She even takes them to do all kinds of super special and fun firsts.
She and Papa took Hunter on his first airplane ride and first trip to the beach!

She gives great, genuine hugs.

She loves me and my kids without fail.
Giving Graysen kisses the night we announced we were pregnant!

She can be silly with the best of them!
She and Hunter are quite the pair, let me tell you!

She is a devoted daughter and sister.
My Grandma with her three daughters.

She loves to give surprises, but hates to receive them!
Escorting Grandma into her surprise 80th birthday party.

Thank you Momma for being the best. Simply the best.