My first trip!

I am so excited! I have scheduled my first trip without my family since before Lincoln and I got married! I'm very nervous - I have never left my kids for more than one night, but I think it will be very good for me! I am going with two of my very best girlfriends to Chicago December 12-14th. (After Graysen is a year old and done nursing...lol) We are staying in a nice hotel right downtown, window shopping, going out for a nice dinner, and having two nights of sleep overs! Everything a girly trip should be! My wonderful husband is taking the weekend off of work to keep our kids so that I can go. Of course, I could've found a babysitter for them, but I just couldn't leave them with someone other than one of us for 2 nights in a row!

I am so thankful that he cares about me enough to sacrifice like this in order for me to do something he knows I will enjoy. I think most husbands would've said, "either find a babysitter for them, or don't go".

I think this trip will be a time to relax, rejuvenate and come back for the Christmas Season rested and in much better spirits! I know it's a few months away, but I am already looking forward to it!!!

Life is short

I want to remind everyone out there how blessed they really are. I don't know every one's life situation, but I promise that there are things in your life that you should be giving thanks for.

I was reminded of this fact today as I watched a little girl dance her heart out who was oblivious that her life was changing drastically at that exact moment. She didn't know it, but the doctors had just announced that her mother would most likely not make it through the day. While she was dancing to "Shake It", smiling, and laughing with her friends, the doctors were looking at the results of her mother's MRI and telling family how swollen and shifted her brain was. They said it was only a matter of hours before God took her to live with Him in eternity. Wow. I watched her smile and laugh and wondered after she left there today how long it would be before those emotions returned to her. I pray it's soon because I know that her mother would want her to be be happy each and every day. To live a full life surrounded by her sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends. She and her sisters were her mom's life. I hope that I can be a part of reminding her and her 3 sisters (11, 8, and twin 3 year olds) how much their mother loved them. How proud she was, and how much she enjoyed watching them dance.

Death is surrounding us everywhere. My cousin is visiting this weekend on, most likely, his last trip to see St. James...you see, he is dying of liver disease. He knows that it's only a matter of time (as it is for all of us). We will have a family dinner tomorrow night, visit, share stories, talk about future plans, and take lots of pictures. It will be nice for most of the family to be together again...a time to celebrate my cousin's 39th birthday, and visit with him.

Although at most times in my life I will claim that I am not afraid of death. That I know it is inevitable, and that I actually look forward to it (in an odd way). This is because I know that I'm headed for Heaven to live beside the King of Kings forever. Forever is a LONG time as the Veggie Tales will tell you (much longer than a tuna sandwich will last in the refrigerator according to Larry!). I will get to see my two babies waiting for me, my grandfather, and many, many others. But...when it seems I'm surrounded by it on all sides, I get that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach and I silently cry out to God for the peace that I usually am filled with.

Now I just have to let Him fill me with it again.

The Good...and The Hunter

Tonight as I was driving home from the store (we were out of sugar for our sweet tea I was in the middle of making) - I passed one of my favorite things about living in St. James...a Street Dance!!! So, I was inspired to come up with a list of reasons why I like living in a small town. Some deal with St. James in particular, others could be any small town in America.

1. Craft Street Dances: The Craft brothers bring out their karaoke machines and set up a stage in front of Wilson's Lumber at least one Saturday night a month. There is food, singing, lots of lawn chairs, and visiting. I think it's about the best time ever! I love to walk the kids down there and just sit and listen. Some of the singers are horrible, others are wonderful. I so enjoy watching Hunter dance on the street in front of everyone and not caring a bit. I enjoy catching up with people that I don't get to see during my regular daily routine. It's a beautiful time.

2. Large Families: I think that fact that there are many families who all stay here and continue to raise generations in St. James is a wonderful thing. My family is one of them. Of my Grandma's 6 kids, there are 4 of them still living in St. James. Of their children (12 total) - 6 of them still live in St. James...and they have 6 kids so far. The Craft family is another one of those families. I think it's great to be able to go to school with your cousins and have the support of a large extended family close by!

3. History: Sure, there is history in any town / city - but I've found that it's much more celebrated in small town USA. I think it's great that my kids will have a unit on the founder of the town in 4th grade...how many kids get to do something like that? We can still visit the tomb of Lucy Wortham James - in fact, she's buried in the same cemetery that my daughter is and that my husband and I will be! That's amazing to me.

I'm sitting here making this list and Hunter is asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm writing on my blog and he says "what? You're getting on a log?" :0) Very funny - anyway, I tell him that I'm writing a sort of story. So I read him what I have written and he wanted to make a list too. Although he wasn't sure what kind of list, so I just asked him some of his favorites and here are the results:

Hunter's Favorites List:

Favorite Wii Game: Tennis
Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk
Favorite Food: Chicken Nuggets
Favorite Movie: Power Rangers Operation Overdrive
Favorite Friend: His Mom (how lucky am I?! - I'm going to have to remind him of this when he's 16!!!)
Favorite Place to Visit: The Park
Favorite Book: Berenstain Bears Go To The Doctor (really, just any Berenstain Bears book!)
Favorite Toy: Power Rangers Action Figures

ps - are there any women out there who enjoy the Batman series? Lincoln just went to see the new one tonight and enjoyed it. He said Heath Ledger was at his absolute best playing The Joker. I did NOT enjoy the first Batman, so I didn't even go. I do however, enjoy the Spiderman Series...

Life Laughs Review

My latest read is called "Life Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy (yes, I read another one of her books...) I find myself going on 'author' kicks...when I find an author that I enjoy I read all of their books not because the book sounds interesting, but because I trust that I will enjoy the style that it is written in. I did this with Nicholas Sparks (I've read everything of his except "Two Weeks With My Brother")...I started this with Jan Karon (The Mitford Series that I so often refer to...) And in waiting for my new Jan Karon book to arrive I started on Jenny McCarthy.

Life Laughs is again...such a raw, honest book that sometimes I found myself scrunching up my face wondering why I kept reading...but kind of like a train wreck, you just can't force yourself to look away.  

So...this post somehow got published before I was finished...so now I will finish it!  lol

As I was saying...Life Laughs is incredibly...there....  Although I greatly enjoyed learning about things  that I never knew before (I lead a pretty nieve, sheltered life), I was also rather grossed out by several of the chapters.  Wow.  That's stuff I never needed to know!  :0)  

The one thing in this book that saddened me was her outlook on marriage and divorce.  She is divorced and in the chapter explaining her divorce she portrayed (to me at least) that she always thought divorce was an option.  She says that she got married too quickly, which I think just "proves" that today's society downplays the importance of a marriage.  We view it as something that we can rush into and then get out (with no consequences) if we see later down the road that "it's just not working out".  So sad.  What happened to God's idea of marriage, God's plan for marriage and a marriage relationship?  

Book Reviews...

So...As Lincoln could tell you, I'm on a reading KICK! Sometimes I go through years of my life when I'm like this. Every single free second I get I've got my nose in a book. I find myself here again...and I love it! It's funny that I'm seeing Hunter copy me. He LOVES books these days. Every time anyone sits down - here comes Hunter running over and jumping on their lap with a book. It doesn't matter why you were sitting down...to fold laundry, read yourself, watch TV...Hunter's ready with a book! I actually just got some new ones from Mom's because we've read every one of our (probably 100 books) at least 10 times I swear! I'm so tired of them...but it doesn't seem that Hunter is!! LOL I'm looking forward to reading the new ones tomorrow!

Anyway - Since Graysen has been born (7 months ago) I have read 10 books. 9 of the Mitford Series, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone out there and 1 by Jenny McCarthy called "Belly Laughs". I know, you're probably thinking "Jenny McCarthy - the ex-playmate...that blonde dummy?" And my answer is yes - that's the one...but I would now (after reading her book) call her the most down to earth, honest woman I "know"!!! This book (sub titled "The naked truth about pregnancy and childbirth") is a MUST READ for anyone (with a good sense of humor) who is pregnant and / or is a mom already. It's an extremely easy, fast read (I finished it in 2 days) - but so true. I found myself laughing out loud and reading excerpts to Lincoln out of almost every chapter. Be forwarned - she is brutally honest. There is cussing and very graphic descriptions...but hey - anyone who has been there has seen / felt / experienced it...and probably thought the exact same phrases...we're just not brave enough to say them!!!

Running in place...

Alright - I'm starting this post aware that it is going to be a downer...so...if you're not in the mood to be down and depressed...don't read this! lol (At least I'm aware when I'm being negative right?!)

I've had a serious case of the blah's lately. At least this time I know what it stems from. One of my friends recently found out that she and her husband were expecting their first baby...and then found out that the baby passed away. She is also struggling with some other medical issues (not the cause of the miscarriage)...so it's a lot compacted on top of each other. I don't even really know how to describe it - except that every time I know someone who is going through heartbreak over the loss of a baby I find myself reliving my losses. Feeling not only the pain of seeing a friend suffer through heartbreak, but the pain of my own heartache.

I guess I should look at it in a positive light - that I'm able to feel the emotions that my friend is feeling and live it with her so she's not alone...but that doesn't help. I know that NOTHING helps when you're going through this, and so that makes it even harder for me. I don't want to say anything because I know from experience, that nothing anyone says makes it better. At least those who haven't been there have some hope that they can do or say something to ease the pain. I know there's no hope. I know the agony of starting to bleed and having to wait weeks for it to go away. Every single second is a reminder of your loss. I know the feeling of not even being able to drive yourself anywhere because you can't focus. Walking around aimlessly trying to continue to work and put on a "good show" for everyone. Crying at the drop of a hat and the questions from people who don't know that your baby has passed away. Trying to hide from everyone who doesn't know so that you don't have to respond should they happen to make a comment about your pregnancy. This all sucks. That's the only way to describe it.

Another one of my good friends said it best the other day..."sometimes I feel like I'm running in place". That's where I am. I feel like I have moved past my losses, that I'm doing a great job continuing to live until something like this happens again and I get stuck. Stuck in the rut of my own sorry emotions. Feeling like I haven't really healed at all. Like I'm still going through the miscarriage, being so emotionally and physically drained that I slept for 24 hours straight after my all nighter in the ER. Going into my next pregnancy with Claire being so excited to get past the first trimester that I didn't think anything else could go wrong and then January 12th came and my baby girl didn't have half of her brain. Shock. Still as I write those words I wonder where in the world did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? The months of going through the motions after she was born and died. Still I drive through the cemetary and sometimes don't have the energy and strength to get out of my car.

When will all of this pass?

Sigh.

Oh the fireworks...

It's been a little while since I've written a blog...lots has happened, but not much worth repeating. Although the break from "drama" has been nice, sometimes I feel like I'm not experiencing life like I should when a few weeks go by and nothing has really "happened"! I begin to wonder if I am doing something wrong, sitting back and watching more than participating.

Let's see...we went to Lincoln's family reunion over the 4th of July. We always go to this little "resort" (I'm using that phrase very lightly) in Rockaway Beach by Branson. The family has been going there for 14 years now. We all rent out little cabins and those who own campers park their campers in the field next to the cabins. Most of the time is spent just sitting in the "circle of love" (as Justin so kindly named it several years back when he joined the family), swimming, napping, and eating! There are usually a few excursions planned such as a boys disc golf day, girls shopping, a movie, and put put golf. Of course you are welcome to participate in all or none of them. This year Lincoln did the disc golf morning while I went "shopping" with some of the girls and then just our family of 4 went to the Dinosaur Museum. We did lots of swimming, visiting, and eating of course! Although I enjoyed the trip overall, I have to say...I HATE FIREWORKS! I have never been a fan of them (I burned myself on a sparkler when I was probably 5 and have never really moved past that experience), but since having children...I really hate them. They keep my kids awake until all hours at night, which keeps me awake, and puts us all in very crabby moods the next day. Two nights in a row of this and my nerves were pretty much SHOT. Pretty much everyone headed to their respective homes on Sunday after eating a breakfast out. We headed over to Castleview to another night with Lincoln's parents and grandparents. It was a very enjoyable day with lots of pool time, golf cart rides, and visiting!

This pretty much sums up our 4th of July vacation. It was nice to get away - but always nicer to get home!!!