Welcome 2010!

As I sit here in my dear friend's living room watching my two children play legos with her oldest, I am filled with peace and happiness.

Today is the last day of 2009. It's been a rather quiet year in the Redburn family. For that, I am thankful. We were talking a few nights ago about how it's so nice to be actually living our lives rather than just planning them. For so many years I was stuck in a "planning" phase. I was deciding what I wanted to "be" when I grew up. I was looking for the person God had intended for me to marry. I was planning how many children we would have, when, and how. Where we would live, how we would pay the bills, what we would do for extra curricular activities. So many things to plan, so little time to enjoy the life that was passing me by.

I feel like this year I have actually lived my life. I have been in the moment more than any other year of my life. I have stepped out in faith to fulfill a dream of mine, I have visited with friends, I have experienced new things. I have enjoyed my children.

My husband will soon walk in the front door with a coffee for me. We will spend the rest of the day sitting and visiting with our friends, we will play with the children, we will laugh and maybe even cry. We will eat good food, and celebrate our families and friendship.

I hope this feeling continues all through the new year.

I'm officially back!

Yea! I have a computer - all set up and connected to the internet! I even have a printer this time around! So, I'm back. I've got to get back in the swing of putting my thoughts and feelings onto "paper". I'm not even sure where to start honestly. I thought it would be like riding a bike, but I must say...it's not. Not for me anyway.

So - anyone have anything they wanted to know about while I was gone? Any requests to get me started again?

Actually, I kind of lied...we are leaving this afternoon for a 3 day visit with some of our best friends. We can't wait to get out of town and leave all of the Christmas choas behind. We can't wait to play with our friends kids and see how much they have grown and changed since we last saw them. We are thrilled to be able to let our kids interact with them again. I can't wait to hug and kiss and take lots of pictures! I personally am glad to be getting away for a mini vacation before the busyness of second semester hits us again. I'm glad to avoid my post Christmas - end of February depression for another week.

So, I might not be around this week - I'm going to be soaking in the goodness of friends.

Confession

I'm getting antsy. I called in for our 1 month update, but haven't called back since. Don't get me wrong, there has been pleanty of communication specifically with us as a family, and as an adoptive parent with AAI in general...but I'm just longing for more. I know exactly where we stand on the list and where they are on handing out referrals on that list.

Let's be honest. I'm longing for a face and a name.

I've been told "early spring"...so, I'm praying for the next few months to keep me busy, but still soaking in the memories with only two children at home. We are leaving for a week to visit with very good friends (and stay up late dreaming about our two boys from ET!). Then I'm hoping another girlfriend and her son will come visit for a few days in early January. We'll be going back to work and school. February is filled with Claire's Birthday, Valentine's Day, and our 6 year anniversary. March will hold spring break and Lincoln's birthday and then I'd say we'll be in "early spring" right?!?! :0)

So, son, we're ready for you. Ready for you to bring so many blessings, love, and memories into our family. We're ready to give you stability, love, a family, and to teach you about God's endless love.

To my Zumba Ladies...

I feel really silly about this, but it's fact, so I must share.

I absolutely love each of the women that come to my Zumba classes 3 nights a week.

Every class is made up of different women, some coming multiple times a week, some just once.

I am blessed to spend time with a group of amazing women - all coming from different backgrounds and current life circumstances.

I am learning something from each of them and I greatly appreciate the sacrifices some of them have to make in order to be there with me for an hour each evening.

I get to laugh with them and forget for an hour of fun, silly dancing that there is anything else in the world to be worried about.

I am motivated by them. They encourage me to work harder at certain aspects of my life.

I am creating friendships. I get to chat with them during class (when we can find our breath!) and afterwards.

I have been able to share my passion for adoption and also witness and invite someone to church.

Some of my silly "Mommy fears" have been relieved by them. I have been able to encourage some that are striving to be Mommies, but aren't quite yet.

I finally feel an obligation, and responsibility to someone other than my children and husband. I find this very fulfilling.

I need to be there those 3 nights a week for them - and they are there for me.

I love you ladies!

Your Only Sister

I swore I would never let myself do this. You all must know that admitting this happened is a huge step for me. I'm very ashamed and there's no sarcasam here. This is a major confession.

Ashley: "Hunter, PLEASE be nice to Graysen. She is your only sister and I hate to see you treat her that way."

Hunter: "She is not my only sister Mom, I have a sister Claire too!"



I am so glad that he thinks of her, just like I do...and I can't wait until we're all together as one happy family in Heaven.

Parenting at all times

Whew. Parenting is an exhausting job. I think it gets harder the older the kids get (sorry to burst anyone's bubble who has a baby right now...). They understand so much more, they follow your example so much more closely. They copy everything that comes out of your mouth.

As a baby you get a break while you shower (even if they are in the bouncy seat in the bathroom with you), and you get a break while you use the restroom.

Not anymore.

A few days ago Lincoln was sitting on the toilet (I know, TMI), and called Hunter into the bathroom to discuss something that he had just heard him say to Graysen.

Amazing. No longer do you even get a break from parenting while you are in the bathroom!!!


I am so thankful for a husband who values the importance of being present with the children and taking an active, hands on approach to parenting. He could have taken the easy road and pretended that he didn't hear what Hunter had said (or really not heard him). But instead he took an active parenting role and helped to teach Hunter the right way to treat others.

Earned or a Given? A poll for my readers

Is the title of Mom, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt or Uncle something that someone should automatically get just because another human in that relation to them is born?





Or is it a title that should be earned?





Sure, we should probably call those people by those titles out of respect, but should we automatically feel that "special" way about them just because of our birth order?





I don't think so. I want my kids to know that I worked hard (and will continue to) to earn my standing as their Mom. I want them to know that I don't take that responsibility or title lightly. I want them to understand that I willingly sacrificed, I prayed for wisdom, I did research and professional development.





I also hope that they know that I don't take being a Mom and Dad team lightly. I hope that they are able to see the work that Lincoln and I have put into our marriage. I hope they understand that it's not an easy thing - marriage...but it's worth the fight, sacrifice, and daily work. We do it because God has asked this of us - but also because THEY are worth it. Our family unit is worth it.

I read this somewhere and I think it's very fitting to this post:

"... My name means - I will never leave you, I am in your corner, I am your safe place, I will guide you all the days of your life, I will never give up on you, I will treasure who you are, I will be there when you fall and help you get up, I will help you learn from your mistakes, I will not judge you, I will teach you about the one and only GOD ..."

What do you readers think? Do you think a certain feeling and respect should be given to those people in your life even if they do nothing to deserve or earn the title?

5 months

Well, it has almost been 5 months of waiting. We're starting to feel anxious about seeing the face our own new one, but are still trying our best to be patient and wait on God's perfect timing. We're hoping that the wait is 1/2 over and we'll get some news on our new addition by early spring.

I actually started trying to plan out approximate referral date / court date / travel time. Then I stopped. I realized that that is where people run into the dissapointment in adoption. When they start trying to plan rather than leaving the planning up to God and what He sees fit for their family. Thank goodness I caught myself early, that's all I have to say!

We are very busy during this season of our lives, so the wait has not been excruciating yet! I am staying at home with the kids during the day and teaching at The Dance Studio 3 nights a week. Lincoln is working at PCR during the day (most weeks) and is still at the Walmart DC on the weekend day shift. He is also coaching Boys JV Basketball right now, so that keeps him extra busy with practice every day and games 2 nights a week. Hunter is in pre-school two mornings a week and Graysen has started dance 1 night a week.

Aside from all of our regularly scheduled activities we have lots of family and friends to keep us busy during this Holiday Season!

What will they remember?

I just finished reading "Vanishing Act" by Jodie Picult. It was terrifying and amazing all at once. It sure made me think though...

What will my kids remember about these first few years of their lives? I don't have many true memories until I was much older. I'm honestly not sure I remember anything until 3rd grade maybe?! Is that possible?! Nothing tragic happened to make me forget or push that time in my life to the back of my mind. I just simply don't remember much. Sure, pictures jog my memory...or maybe it's just the memory of the stories my mom has told me while looking at those pictures. Who really knows?

I know one thing for sure. I want my kids to remember the nights that I rocked them to sleep while whispering songs or prayers rather than the nights I let them cry themselves to sleep. I want them to remember the nights I welcomed them into my bed rather than shooing them back to their own. I want my kids to remember the times that we played together rather than the times that I told them to wait or "no" because I was busy doing something selfish like checking email or wanting to finish a book.

I feel very guilty on the nights where I've hit my "wall" right before bed time. The nights that I snap at Hunter as I'm putting him to bed or have to threaten Graysen with a "smack on the bottom" if she gets out of her bed one more time. I hate going to sleep on those nights. I find it really hard to fall asleep. It's just not the same going to bed when we've left off on rough standings.

I've found that as a parent it's very hard to ask forgiveness from your children. My pride, my standing as an authority figure often times stands in my way from doing what's right. I'm going to be better at this. I'm going to show them what humilty looks like rather than just preaching it at them...

starting right now.

A Return?

Just in time for Christmas...I hope!

We've finally gotten a computer (a desktop, but hey, who's being picky right?!) and hope to have it all fixed and set up before Christmas.

So, if everything goes as smoothly as it's supposed to, I'll be back to blogging by Christmas.

hope to blog with you soon!

Ash