To see this.
When I let myself really sit down and feel, it hurts.
Real, physical pain in my heart and stomach and head.
It's so much to process, even 4 years later.
Sometimes I cry, and sometimes I'm just in pure shock.
Disbelief that our daughter really died.
I never got to see her open her eyes, I never got to hear her cry.
Confusion to see her name on a stone.
A name I never got to say to her.
A name I will never hear at pre-school graduation, or high school graduation.
A name I will never hear being baptized.
Or being wed.
Hunter said to me, "Mom, I wish she would have lived so I would have two sisters"
I know, son, I wish so too.
It also hurts to see this.
Still so new.Too new to even have MAR 19, 2010 on it.
So fresh.
It still seems like she's on vacation,
maybe in Kansas City spending time with my aunt.
It doesn't seem like I'll never be able to run next door and visit for a few minutes again.
The reality hasn't settled in yet.
When will it?
I'm not sure. Maybe it never will.
I think I'll just keep living, waiting until she comes home...
or more accurately, until I go home.
I hope you've had a great 1st month in Heaven Grandma. Remember, you've got no less days to sing God's praise then you did a month ago when you entered into Heaven to be with Him. I'm anxious to join you someday!
3 comments:
I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel! And I don't have the words to say. Just know that I am thinking and praying for you today!
oh ash many hugs to you! thinking of you!
Even though each situation is different, I feel your pain of losing a close loved one. Especially when someone's life is cut way too short, like little Claire. I know she would be just as sweet and precious as your other children. And she IS, just in Heaven instead of here.
I also think of the things my Dad won't be here for in our lives. And even though we are facing the reality of them being gone, I think it's not possible for us to grasp it all. I think God made us that way to keep us from hurting so much. When I see the ashes of what was once my Dad's body, it is just not real to me. At all.
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