Confessions

• I hate bedtime. There, I said it. I'm feeling like a "struggling" mommy (I don't like to say a bad mommy) right now because of it. It's not for good reasons, like I don't want the day to end and I want more time with my kids. It's because it's a very stressful time of the day. By far the MOST stressful time of the day for me. It's the end of a usually very long day. We're all tired, and Hunter and Graysen don't do well. Blake and Silas have not had the option of sleeping with parents, being rocked to sleep or otherwise, so they just lay down, kiss us goodnight, say I love you and lay there quietly until they fall asleep. (Which makes me sick to my stomach and my heart aches for the first 6 years of their life.) Hunter and Graysen on the other hand cry, and beg to sleep in our bed. They scream and fain sickness. They ask for drinks, snacks, and more. They grab onto my hand and cry, not wanting me to leave the room. They've always been this way, and before bringing the two other boys home, most nights we would give in and I would rock Graysen to sleep, or Hunter would come to bed with us. We just can't do it anymore. Unfair, maybe, probably in fact. But it's the way it is, with four children, I can not rock each of them to sleep, or lay in bed with them until they fall asleep, and we definitely can not have 6 people falling asleep in our bed every night. So there it is, far more information than you wanted to read, but it's out. I hate bedtime.

• My heart aches for Ethiopia tonight. I miss being there. This adoptive mom said it so eloquently. I wish I could share my heart and thoughts about Ethiopia like this mom does, but I can't, so tonight I will use her words to share my heart with you.

(Man, I miss you girls!!!)

"We, Americans, live so differently. We are really good at being comfortable–and even expecting it. We like comfort. Air conditioning. Upgrades on appliances. We cook for pleasure more than need. Yet-while we live in comfort (and often FOR it as well)-all while the REST of the world…lives and breathes much, much differently. We get to a hotel or restaurant–and if everything isn’t perfect, we complain, threaten and expect to be reimbursed. Of course we do this politely and might not say we expect something back–but we really do, don’t we? And really–we just don’t know any better.

We also think it’s okay, and we deserve. Who am I to deserve? Do I really think that it’s possible to work for something and deserve something just because I “earned” it? We just don’t know any better. This is how we have been taught and raised…raised by our culture–and until we step outside our culture and ourselves it’s hard to see that really–we don’t deserve anything. And while we point fingers at poverty stricken cultures and come up with our brilliant solutions and say it is they that don’t know any better—really, we are just as guilty as we often forget that it may be the LORD’s brilliant solution– for us to give up some of our daily comforts to bless them. And just maybe it could be what the LORD has given THEM to bless US.

Bless us? Given them?

Yes. We have much to learn from the 3rd world countries that we often forget to visit. (James 1:27) How they give up a month’s wages to serve a guest and do without so another could be blessed…trying to make us feel special and to serve us no matter the cost it will mean to them. Stand back in small, dirty, hot church in one of these countries–and watch the people with what we consider to have nothing put their hope in God and dance before the Lord declaring their joy and trust in Him. Dance before the Lord? Oh Andrea-you are getting crazy on me. But really? Have you read the Bible? We go to church and get dressed up…or chose not to go because we don’t have anything to wear…yet–we often forget to go and dance before the Lord. So much we can learn. Seeing them sitting together in their huts–with no place to go…but having time for one another and developing relationships instead of busy agendas…barefoot children laughing and running about…playing with paper airplanes and their own invented toys. SIMPLE. There is so much to learn from 3rd world countries–and my heart often wishes it could be a place like this where we could raise a family.

But instead…we have been called to a city in the South–where soccer moms and tennis skirts abound…and to figure out how to live in this world but not of this world…to focus on relationships rather than putting my kids in the best of everything…to prepare them more for the kingdom of heaven rather than an ivy league school or future career on earth. Now–let me add–there is nothing wrong with soccer moms and tennis skirts…unless by doing them it keeps my focus off what life is really all about or if takes up more time than serving others.

And now…in this culture–our day here begins. I pray I can soak up every detail to share with Richard and one day with Isaac. I pray we can forget about our lack of comforts and rejoice in what really does matter in this world. I pray the Lord would build in me today and make me a mom who raises our children to live in this world but not of it. And I pray that my children’s hearts would also beat for countries like these. Yes, something about it does say “welcome home”…not sure if that’s because my son is from here or because the Lord loves these people so much and longs for us to love them like He does."

• We are leaving for a vacation soon. We'll be gone 6 days. Wow...that's a long time to be away from home and routines with four children...two who are still very new to all of it. We haven't discussed the trip because we're concerned that Blake and Silas won't fully comprehend the discussion and therefore will be left with concerns about what is about to happen in their lives. I will be away from the computer (camping(ish) - in a cabin), and unfortunately, don't have many posts ready to go while I'm away. I hope you all have a great July 4th, we're excited to celebrate the boys' first 4th of July in America! I can't wait to share pictures when we get home!
  

God is at work

Tonight my family was blessed to spend the evening with The Krueger's. Nick just got back from a mission trip to Kenya, and boy was I blessed to hear his stories and see his pictures about the Turkana people who are beginning to learn about and love Christ. It was awesome to hear how God has changed Nick's heart, and ultimately his life to love Him more. So amazing.

We even brainstormed, as families, some ideas of ways that we can continue to impact the people of Africa... As long as we are willing to listen to and follow God I know anything is possible!

When I got back in the car on the way home, this song was playing. I just closed my eyes and listened to Hunter sing along.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Who can stand against us when God is for us?

It's an amazing feeling to know that really, for the first time in my life, I know that I'm believing in something and learning how to fight for something that God is for...the orphan, the lonely, the helpless.

I can't wait to see where God takes my family on this lifelong journey of ours...and HIS.

Tonight I danced in the rain

tonight I danced in the rain.
I jumped in the rain.
I sang in the rain.
I ran in the rain.

with my sister,
with graysen,
with hunter,
with blake,
with silas.

it was magical, it was beautiful.
it. was. fun.

My Job

Me - "Hunter, what is Mommy's job"?
Hunter - "Teaching Dance"
Me - "Yeah, but what is my main job"?
Hunter - "Keeping me company!"

ha. ha. I'm not sure how I feel about the answer, but it sure did make me laugh out loud then, and now!

Taking your husband's last name...what a great view point!

I read this story on this blog and was SO impressed. I'm fairly traditional in my marriage / family thinking. I believe that a woman should take her husband's name, I believe that if at all possible the woman should stay home and care for the home and the children. I believe that children should obey their parents. I included this story on my blog for my children...yes, all 4 of them.

Graysen, I pray that you have this mindset when you get to the age to be married, I hope that you realize what a gift your husband is giving you. I hope that you make him proud to have given you his name. Hunter, Silas, and Blake, I hope that you look for a woman who believes this. I pray that you will give great thought and prayer to the fact that you will indeed be giving your future wife not only your hand in marriage, but your name...forever. Read, and enjoy!

"Because somewhere between the burning of the bras and my marriage license a shift occurred in the conscience of we woman. No longer were we lemmings, we were individuals and that is not a bad thing after all. Kind of like sex, our generation made a decision if we were going to have it or not...no longer did society dictate the definition of good girl vs. bad girl. We made the decision for ourselves.

All good right?

I don't know about that. Yes, in many ways, it is way more honest, but in the course of history, how many times has the quest for knowledge out smarted, at least for a while, wisdom? We are told in the Word of God to seek after Wisdom and God will give it freely. But in terms of knowledge, once we have it, we are responsible for it. There are things that our God never intended for us to know. And once we know it, we can't unknow it.

Am I suggesting that it is bad to have a choice in names after marriage? Yeah, maybe a little. Before you start contacting Gloria whats her name, who eventually got married and now we don't hear from her anymore by the way....hear me out. John gave me a really good ring when he proposed. I mean it is way, way, way good. A couple Karats that include both mine and Mom's diamonds. It is a RING! My mother-in-law told him he had to get me a really good ring so that when I was shaking the poop off the diapers one day, I might catch a glimmer on that diamond and remember why I married him in the first place! What a good woman she was!

But let me tell you, that ring, while still a contract, is an asset. More then once I have thought that I could sell it when things got real rough. I learned to wait on the Lord in those moments and I have to admit, I pretty darn glad it is still on my finger...but if in our nation, when things are so bad, there is ever a time I need to sell that really, really good ring for my family, I will. If it is a choice between food and ring or home and ring...off goes the ring into the shop.

The name I get to keep. John gave me his name. Think about it ladies, he gave me his name, and his name was pretty good until I started to wear it. I am no longer Maryellen Margaret Brennan, I am Maryellen Schlusser...Mrs. Schlusser to my kids freinds and teachers and I love when they trip over trying to say it. If I really don't like someone, I wait patiently until they say it properly or just smile as they call me Ma'am.

I did nothing to earn John's name. He gave it freely. His name is the only gift he can never take back. Even in court, a judge would have to decide that for him. He gave it to me for all of my life. Even in death, I still think on my mom as Ellen Brennan, not Ellen Durkin...There are certain gifts that are forever gifts. John Schlusser gave me his name.

So while my own girls will have to decide on moral issues even now and name issues someday, unlike their grandmothers and great grandmothers, I pray they accept the name of the man who becomes their husband. I hope someday, I have a daughter-in-law, who accepts our name, SCHLUSSER....

This morning, I am going to a wake. A woman in our church buried her daughter about four months ago. Today she is burying her husband...so much pain in one sisters life. I won't pretend to have answers to all that God is doing in her life...nothing I could say right now matters. We truly rest in the Lord's providence in seasons of suffering.

It just struck me as I wrote this, that today, she does not have to give back her husband's name. Even in death, she gets to keep it. She is still a "Mrs." and does not revert back to being a "Miss" and his name is her own. Maybe that is why our husbands are the priest of our homes and why we accept their name. This widow is still known by the name of the man she has loved all these years.

I am blessed to be given a name and to be taken as John's own in marriage. It was a gift freely given. Yes, dear feminists, I belong to John. He is my husband and I am his wife. John gave me the name of Schlusser to own as my mine.

In Glory, I get to stand on the name my God has given me: Child of the King. God made me royalty and by his grace I am a Schlusser dirt side and beyond.

“The Lord our God has secrets known to no one. We are not accountable for them, but we and our children are accountable forever for all that he has revealed to us.” Deuteronomy 29:29"

Too Much For My Heart

I am preparing to let you in on a small view of what my newest sons are dealing with. Although their past is theirs, and only theirs, sometimes I think we, as Americans need to be reminded of the reality of life of those who live in 3rd world countries.

I was excited about blogging this morning. I was going to sit down and write about how happy I was! I was going to talk about how last night for the first time I felt whole, happy, and complete. As I sat outside watching my husband play baseball with my three sons and my daughter play with two of her cousins I was finally at peace. I felt like the dark heaviness that has been on my heart for so long was lifted.

We came inside, showered and headed back outside to catch fireflies. It was something on my summer "to do" list, and we were excited!

But...as I explained to Silas and Blake what they were supposed to do a story came out of the depths of their heart...

The bugs that we were supposed to be softly catching reminded them of the bug that flew in their friend's ear and killed him. Yes, one of my sons friends, died from a bug crawling in his ear. They very elaborately demonstrated and told me how they had a friend in Ethiopia. He wasn't much taller then they are. A bug crawled in both his ears and he died. Their Mom made injera for the whole community. Everyone from all the houses came and cried. They dug a hole in the ground and carried the dead boy on their shoulders to the grave. They laid him in the ground and covered him up with the dirt. They laid things on top of the grave and cried more.

This has been reality for them. For 6 years they saw things that we would never let our children see.

I just hugged them and told them how sorry I was that their friend died. What else does a mother do? I was grateful that they felt safe enough to open their hearts to me. It knocked me back into reality where I remembered that not all the world is carefree and watching their sons play baseball with their dad in the backyard. Some mothers are burying their sons because there is no medical care available...

1 Month Reflections

We are all still so new together.

One month has passed so slowly,
yet it's gone so quickly.

We've had our fair share of ups and downs.
We've laughed together,
cried together,
hugged one another,
and learned to love one another.

It feels like forever since I was in Ethiopia. I miss being there, I would go back in a heartbeat if I could take all my kids with me! Life there was simpler. Some laugh at me when I say that, taking note that I was without electricity for most of the week we were there, and only had freezing cold water. Yes, this is all true, but those things didn't bother me like they would have had it happened here. Life there isn't set up to run off of electricity and water. It's made to be spent visiting with others. The days seem slower, and more intentional somehow.

Silas and Blake, I think you're doing great! There are moments when I become frustrated because I can't get my point across, or because it takes so much more energy to parent you effectively right now. But those moments are fleeting and I live for the moments when you are cuddling on my lap, or opening your soft, broken hearts to me. I love hearing you learn English and watching you in awe over the lawn mower. I laugh when I am filling your cups with ice water and remember your faces the first time we gave you cold water to drink. We've made lots of memories together, in just a month. I can't wait for the rest of our lives.

Hunter and Graysen, I am so amazed by you two! I am exceptionally proud of the way you two have taken on two new siblings. The way you show unending patience with them every single day. I smile when I see you trying to include them in your games, when I see you sharing your toys, and when you want to make sure that your brothers will be joining us on our outings. You have proven to me that love can break through language, color, and upbringing barriers. You are an example to me that I try to follow every day. I love you both so very much and will always be proud to call you my son and daughter!

Things are still rough around the edges here in the Redburn home. I would venture the say the boys know between 50 and 70 words. They are beginning to put together small sentences. When they don't know the word they act it out and we are able to put the whole thought together. We are still working through small things that come with older child adoption, but they are all manageable! Our days for the most part are happy and eventful. I am no longer afraid to leave the house with all four children at once. (Although the new boys still haven't been to Walmart...can I make it known that I have kept them out of Walmart for MUCH longer than I ever did Hunter and Graysen when they were born...) The whining has settled down, I only say "no whining" about 10 times a day now rather than 50 - this is no exaggeration. They are becoming accustomed to our food and I might actually say they enjoy a few dishes.

I am still dealing with a bit of depression, but most days it's good and totally manageable! On my bad days I spend a lot of time with other people, it's always better to have another adult around then be by myself at the house. I have spent some time with some friends who are dealing with terrible situations in their lives and have been uplifted so very much by their positive attitude, encouragement, and scripture that they've shared with me. They have helped me to get things back in perspective and realize that

our God is a GOOD GOD and that He wants me to flourish.
He has GOOD THINGS planned for me and my family...
and as for my house, we will serve the Lord!

Andrea Nichole Ray

What a beautiful girl. What a beautiful life.

I was blessed to know Andrea through my sister. They were the best of friends. They met in hair school 3-4 years ago. I knew they were going to be fast friends from the moment I met Andrea, she reminded me so much of Kara!

This was a girl who stuck by your side through thick and thin. She loved life. She always had a smile and a kind word. She gave me the biggest hugs each time I saw her. Her laugh was truly contagious.

When Andrea found out she was expecting a baby, she was thrilled. She had tons of questions for me, and loved spending time with Graysen, who was just a little baby at the time. She took great care of herself, and her baby. Kara was there for the birth. I knew from the start she was going to be a good mom.

...and boy was I right! She loved Brody more than life itself. She was such an intentional mother. She really viewed motherhood as her job, and was privileged to take it seriously. I was so proud of her, at such a young age!


and look what an adorable baby she had! Brody is precious to us. He is just over a year old now.

We will miss you Andrea. I know I didn't know you nearly as well as my sister, and many others, but I will miss the updates on you and Brody from Kara...well, I know I'll continue to get updates about Brody anyway! I will miss seeing you when you stop in STJ to visit with K, or meeting you girls in Rolla for lunch.

I know Kara will miss you her whole life. She will miss hearing your voice. She will miss your advice. She will miss having you stand by her side on her wedding day, but we will think of you, this is for sure. She is blessed to have Brody, such a beautiful part of you. She will watch over him and love on him, you can be rest assured of that.

Thank you for giving Kara the greatest gift of all, and that is assurance that you will be together again some day. When God calls her home, you will be waiting at the gates for her, and I know it will be happy, happy day for you two to be together again.

She lived a beautiful life, one that we should all take note of...I know I will.

Family

Where there is family, there will be joy...and pain.
- TobyMac (who I saw in concert last night!!!)

This lady has it right...

I've been following this blog for quite some time now, and have really enjoyed watching her adoption journey unfold! She wrote a post today in which I think she puts it perfectly...

"My feelings on the adoption process are that it is HARD. It is hard to make the decision to adopt, hard to explain to people your choice and why, hard to do the research, hard to get all the documents completed (correctly), hard to wait on a waiting list, hard to prepare to travel, hard to travel to a third world country and hard to get through the first days, weeks and I imagine months. And, through all of the HARD that we are feeling as adoptive parents there is a child that is feeling LOSS... big huge traumatizing LOSS and HURT. Loss of a birth family, culture, language, foods, smells, friends and the list could go on. But, hopefully through all of the HARD work and the LOSS and HURT we can come together and HEAL."

I couldn't put it any better myself...

A momentous day in the life of my sons!

On June 5, 2010 Hunter, Silas, and Blake achieved something huge...

They learned to ride 2 wheel bikes!!!

We only had 2 bikes and a scooter, so after a neighbor loaned the boys on of her bikes (with no training wheels) the other two had to have their training wheels off as well. Not 5 minutes after Lincoln took them off all three boys were zipping up and down the road! After 15 minutes they were making the turns to go back the other direction. I was soooooo proud

Yes, all my boys are riding "girls" bikes. And yes, we've already had a mean neighborhood kid ride his bike down by our house and make fun on Silas, "cool bike dude, kinda girly don't you think?". (Thank Goodness he doesn't understand English enough to understand him!) and seriously, why don't people teach their children better than this?!

We of course have had some crashes, but Hunter got the biggest scrape!

I'm proud of you boys! Way to go!

There's a lot going on

There is a lot going on right now. Sorry for the lack of posts. I've got several in my head, just haven't had the time to get them out yet!

• My sister is moving in to my Grandma's house next door to me. I love this! I haven't helped as much as I wish I could have (due to having 4 children), but I have spent some time over there helping with this, that, or the other.
• I worked in the evenings last week and then attended a Springfield Cardinals Game.
• I had a girl's night out on Saturday night! Wahoo, it was fun! Sams, shopping, a movie, and The Melting Pot...doesn't get a whole lot better!
  
• Hunter has been at the beach all week. He left on Friday with my Mom and Charlie to go to Galveston, TX, and will come back this Friday. I sure have missed him!
• My sister lost a very close friend last week, which has taken quite the emotional toll on her, and myself. There will be a post coming on this soon. She was precious.
• I've been adjusting to having Lincoln back to work and me home with the kids all day. It's exhausting...really. By 3:30, Mommy's ready for a nap, I sure hope my stamina gets a little stronger each day!
  
• I've been mentally and physically preparing for our first post adoption visit. A social worker will be visiting our home on Tuesday, June 22nd for our 1 month post placement visit. I'm pretty nervous. Not sure why, but I feel like she'll be judging us and how well we're attaching. Why don't people who birth babies have to go through this?!?!
• We have had and will continue to have lots of appointments since the boys have gotten home. Doctor, Dentist, Lawyer (we have to re-adopt in Missouri), etc.
• My cousin is leaving in the morning for his first mission trip to Kenya - I'm so excited for him and his family! I can't wait to hear what God's got up His sleeve for this family!
  
• Did I mention that I just recently doubled my children? Wow.
  

My newest parenting challenge to myself

Often I find myself challenging myself (that totally doesn't sound right...) with a new style of parenting. Sometimes it's a long term goal, sometimes it directly deals with the day we're having or the situation we're in. This summer I have been challenging myself to allow my children to more freely explore God's green earth. Always before I have put so many restrictions on them. "Don't dig in those rocks, you'll get dirty", "no, we can't have a water fight with the hose, we don't have our bathing suits on", etc.

Some of my long term goals are to make sure that my children feel like citizens of the world, and not JUST the United States. Don't get me wrong, we are the most blessed, richest (in material things), luckiest nation in the world, but I don't think those are the most important things necessarily. I want to make sure that my children are aware of, and experience first hand the way the rest of the world lives, acts, and believes. I don't want to raise sheltered children.

Back to the original purpose of this post... I have been trying to instruct and discipline the sin, not just the action. I have been doing my best to discuss with my children what fruit of the spirit they are lacking when they act out in a wrong doing. This means I must know them by heart myself...right?

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."

—Galatians 5:22-23

In my quiet time (confession: it doesn't happen every day...sometimes we have loud time!) I have been trying to study these more. I have found this website very helpful.

It seems to me that most of what my kids get in trouble for with each other deals with patience, kindness, and gentleness. Most of what they get in trouble for with Lincoln and I deal with patience, kindness, and self-control. I make sure that as we're discussing what happened that I point out that God expects us to possess these qualities in our lives, and that they are lacking ____(which ever one fits the situation). We talk about how we can do better to possess and demonstrate that quality.

I hope that this will help instruct my children in the way they should go rather than just disciplining a negative behavior.

More Great Summer Memories

I feel like this summer even more than in years past we have "seized the day" and enjoyed every minute! Here are some pictures of our summer week...

We went outside one evening and enjoyed the sunset together. We were able to talk about the beauty that God paints for us in the sky and verbally took turns thanking God for all kinds of different things.

The kids love to dress up! This day they all decided to be super heros!

What is more fun than three brothers riding around the neighborhood on their personal John Deere Tractor?!

A Sunday family picnic in the back yard...SERIOUSLY nothing better!

Playing soccer ( soccer / tackle) with some of our favorite people!

I hope each of you are taking full advantage of the nice weather and making memories with your friends and family...memories are all we can leave them with some day...

My favorite spots in my house

I have two favorite spots in my house right now. The first is in the kitchen. I have a little "alcove" spot by my oven where I have Graysen and my aprons hanging there with a"It's Better To Give Than To Receive" sign. I love each of my aprons, and of course Gray's are just simply adorable! I see this spot as a reminder of my present stage in life. I'm blessed to give my everything to four children, and a wonderful husband. They are truly gifts from God each day. My aprons remind me that my job in my home and even though this sometimes feels like a thankless job, it's so much better to give than to receive.



My second favorite spot is in the hallway heading into the kids bedroom. I have three pictures hanging on the wall.

One quotes Luke 12:7: Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

One, 2 Corinthians 12:9: My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

And the third, Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.




These are three of my favorite bible verses. I see them as the past, present, and future. The first reminds me that God knew me before I was even born. He created me and loves me more than life itself! The second reminds me that in my present life I am all I need to be through Jesus Christ. I need nothing more than the grace of God to get through every trial in this lifetime. The last reminds me that God has a plan for my future as well. He has good things planned for me, no matter what today brings!

What are your favorite spots in your home?

Potty Training Efforts Gone Bad

I'm torn on my beliefs on potty training. I think it's so different for every child. I've seen some things work for other parents that would have NEVER worked for Hunter. I've tried what worked with Hunter, with Graysen...it doesn't work.

I wish there was a one size fits all for potty training!

Graysen should be potty trained very well by now. She fully understands when she needs to go and when she goes. A lot of mornings she wakes up dry. She can almost change her diaper by herself for pete's sake! But, she's not. Instead, she's stubborn. Instead, she likes the convenience of going in her diaper and telling me when she's ready for a diaper change.

Bless my sister, she's tried very hard recently to help me in my potty training efforts. She put Gray in panties the other day and she peed in them. She put a new pair on her and showed her how sad it made her that she had peed in them.

So...what did Graysen do?

She went outside to play...

took her new panties off...

and squated right on the driveway and pooped.

Yes. She pooped on my driveway.

At least she took her panties off first right?

ps - I took a picture of the actual pile, but can't bring myself to force all you unsuspecting people to see the picture...so you get the picture of Lincoln cleaning it up.

pps- Charlie almost immediately told me to blog about this and put a survey out there..."how many of your children have pooped in your driveway?" I informed him I would be THE ONLY ONE. So, don't answer that, it's not good to feel alone...

God's Word

I love God's Word! It's amazing to me how this verse can mean so many different things to people who are having different experiences in their lives. I posted this picture (from St. John's Hospital) with this verse earlier, but at that point in my life it carried such a different meaning than it does now.

Older child, international adoption is a very difficult thing people. We are trying to help our new sons through some very tough things right now. Their life experiences and history have brought them to a very different place at 6 years old than Hunter is.

Adoption in itself is a messy thing, but I believe older child adoption is EVEN MESSIER than infant adoption. We are integrating these twin boys into a family that they are not used to being in. They have developed habits that they used for survival and do not work in a family setting. Thankfully, we know that God is on our side and He will see us through to victory in the end!

Having four children is exhausting, and I am in desperate need of refreshing every. single. night. Thank you Lord for providing that for me when I lay down my pride and ask!

ps - I was asked to "guest post" on Jessica's blog today! She's away at the beach soaking up the sun and enjoying time with her adorable little family! Hop over there and check it out!

I Miss You Grandma

Grandma,

I sure do miss you right now. This is one of the messiest, most stressful, most confusing, hardest times in my life and I would do anything to have you by my side for one more day. I would love to hear your advice, and most of all the encouragement that I know you would give me. You were always great at seeing the positive side of every situation, and boy, do I need that right now. Thank you for instilling that quality in me and teaching me how to find it for myself.

Someone at the beauty shop said "Miss Wanda sure would've liked to have seen this", talking about my four kids, and it never hit me harder. Not only would you have liked to have seen this, but I would've liked for you to. I know this is just the first of the events that I will miss you being here for during my life, but I believe that you have had such a hand in all of this.

You prayed for Sintayehu and Bizayehu from the day we got their referral. In fact, you were the very first one we told! I'm so happy about that now. I know that you prayed for them, and for us until the day you died. We passed court exactly 1 week after you passed away, and we passed our Embassy Interview in Ethiopia exactly 2 months after you passed away. I felt your presence that day and knew that you were smiling down on us. I would've loved to have felt your hug when we got home on the evening of the 22nd, but I made due with keeping your picture with me at all times during our trip to Ethiopia.
yes, I kept you in our money belt...there was no safer spot for you! :0)

I love you Grandma, and I miss you. I can not WAIT until the day we are reunited! What a joyous reunion that will be!!!!

Love always and forever,
Ashley

Every girl needs a little comfort...

Sometimes it just comes in the form of chocolate...

Graysen , I'm sorry for displaying bad habits of emotional eating...I'm trying to correct this, I promise.

A Loss

We had a loss in the family. You may remember this post about Mack... well, he got pretty sick. He wouldn't shed his skin on his own, and he wouldn't eat. Lincoln found him dead a few mornings ago. When Hunter realized this he was upset. After some consoling from me, he decided he really needed to see Grammie, so I took him to see her. Of course, being the awesome Grandma and counselor that she is, she had a book all prepared to read with him when he arrived.
The book is written from the perspective of a leaf, and through the story he learns all about the process of life and death.

Here are a few of my favorite excerpts from the book:


"'It's what happens in the Fall', Daniel told them. 'It's the time for leaves to change their home. Some people call it to die.'

'Will we all die?' Freddie asked.

'Yes,' Daniel answered. 'Everything dies. No matter how big or small, how weak or strong. We first do our job. We experience the sun and the moon, the wind and the rain. We learn to dance and to laugh. Then we die.'

'I won't die!' said Freddie with determination. 'Will you, Daniel?'

'Yes,' answered Daniel, 'when it is my time.'

'When is that?' asked Freddie

'No one knows for sure,' Daniel responded."



...He saw that some of the leaves lashed back at the wind before they fell, others simply let go and dropped quietly.


...Soon the tree was almost bare.

'I'm afraid to die,' Freddie told Daniel. 'I don't know what's down there'

'We all fear what we don't know, Freddie. It's natural,' Daniel reassured him. 'Yet, you were not afraid when Spring became Summer. You were not afraid when Summer became Fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?'

'Does the tree die, too?' Freddie asked.

'Someday. But there is something stronger than the tree. It is Life. That lasts forever and we are all a part of Life.'



...At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn't hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been a part of its life and it made him proud.


...He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground were already plans for new leaves in the Spring. And that was The Beginning..."




This story just hit me as such a good reminder that we truly don't know when it will be our time. Sometimes I feel that determination like Freddie did...that I won't let myself die, when in reality, just like Freddie, I have no say in when 'my time' is. I pray that I am one that simply lets go. I pray that when my time comes I am comfortable and secure in the fact that I am going to a better place to worship with my King! How neat it will be to finally see the 'big picture'!!! I love the analogy of the tree and the leaves and fertilization that happens. I think this is very much the case in our lives. I see how my Grandma influenced myself and so many others and how she made a huge impact on the world that came after her. She laid the ground work for so many of us to follow.

I would highly recommend this book to anyone with a child who is facing a permanent loss in their lives!

Meal Time is Exhausting.

Breakfast:

Silas = 4 waffles and a Pop Tart.

Blake = 4 waffles.
Hunter = 2 waffles.
Graysen = 1 waffle.

Snack:
1 Banana for everyone

Lunch:
Silas = 3 PBJ sandwiches (on whole wheat bread), 1/2 can of mandarin oranges
Blake = 3 PBJ sandwiches, large helping of mac and cheese
Hunter = 3/4 PBJ sandwich, 1/2 can mandarin oranges, 1 string cheese
Graysen = 1 string cheese, some mac and cheese

Dinner:
Silas = 4 fish sticks, lots of mac and cheese, 1 piece cheese pizza
Blake = 4 fish sticks, lots of mac and cheese, 1 piece cheese pizza
Hunter = 4 fish sticks, mac and cheese, 1 piece cheese pizza
Graysen = 3 fish sticks, mac and cheese, 1/2 piece cheese pizza

Snack:
a cup of pretzels and animal crackers for everyone


We will be shopping at Sams the rest of our lives...
I feel like I am constantly getting up to fix more food for someone!
"More Please" is by far their best English phrase right now...

Although it may sound like I am complaining, I'm definitely not. I've always wanted a large family, and meal time has always been one of the moments that I've dreamed of with that large family. Lots of food being passed around, laughter, and stories being shared.

It's a beautiful thing.

I'm so glad that Silas and Blake can eat as much as they want. I hope they are learning that the food will not run out, and there will always be food for the next meal. I hope that by letting them self regulate they will learn healthy eating habits in the years to come.

Every Girl Needs A Little Comfort

Sometimes it just comes in the form of chocolate...

Graysen , I'm sorry for displaying bad habits of emotional eating...I'm trying to correct this, I promise.

Summertime Fun in Pictures

This summer has been dictated by two F words.

F.U.N.
and
F.A.M.I.L.Y.

picnics at Meremec Springs

Playing on every playground we can find...

Pop Ice...what is better in the summer?! It's also a great learning tool this summer, the boys are doing great with colors now!

Making silly faces with our brothers...

Sitting on Grammie's front porch drinking Capri Suns.

Bike riding...

and playing in the water!

Slip and Slide fun! We spend a few hours every day with water fun, water balloon fights, slip and slide, sprinkler, and good old fashioned hose fights!

More on the list:

Catch Fireflies
Take evening walks
Find a pool to swim in
Celebrate Hunter's 6th birthday
A trip to the Zoo
Eating at the Ethiopian Restaurant in STL
Play at the river
Make s'mores over a fire
Play mini golf
Prepare for kindergarten

Love.
Bond.
Take more chances.
Become a family.

Bloom.

A Wedding Shower / Friend Reunion

I have not seen my High School friend Megan since I was pregnant with Graysen 3 years ago. Before that I hadn't seen her in several years as well. She's a great girl, and is getting married in just a few short weeks! I'm very excited for her! Her wedding shower was hosted exactly a week after I got home by my cousin Jayna.

I hope that Megan's wedding will be Lincoln and I's first date night after bringing the boys home.

Look how beautiful she was on her wedding shower day!

Me, Megan, Graysen and Jayna

The ladies at her wedding shower.

Family Bonding

What better bonds new siblings than rolling down a hill squealing with delight?
Nothing.
Simply Nothing.

As far as attachment and bonding goes, I think we're doing pretty good!

I have not left the boys with anyone other than Lincoln until today...
I was getting my hair done
(for the first time in two weeks, which if you know me at all, you know it was pure torture to wait that long)
and my cousin Brittany offered to take the kids back to the house to play in the water.

Great idea.

Until they go to load up and realize Mommy isn't coming with them.

Not a great idea.

After some major explaining (or trying to explain), they buckled up and headed home with NiNi.
She said they did good, but their eyes lit up when she said they were headed back to see me.

This makes a Mommy's heart full and happy.

Our days are slower

My days are slower now.

The pace is set by how quickly my youngest can walk.
We must have moments where we stop whatever we're doing and go play outside,
or read a book,
or have a snack.

I remember the days when I was employed.
When I sat at the computer and multi-tasked all day.
When I accomplished my whole "to do" list by 10:00 a.m.
Days, when it didn't matter if someone asked me to do extra things...
because I knew I'd have time.

Those days were easier in so many ways...
but, much less rewarding.

I didn't get the hugs, kisses, and smiles like I get now.
I may have accomplished more,
but it was much less significant than what I accomplish now.

I love being a Mom!

this post was written before we left for Ethiopia and added two more to our family. Somehow it didn't get published, and reading it now makes me smile. I would no longer describe my days as "slow", rather "very fast!", but they are still just as nice...and I love being a Mom x4 now!