Our family LOVE Day

Ah, Valentine's Day.  2.14.  I admire people who celebrate it, I for one, have NEVER been a fan.  I feel like it's a day when men are pressured into expressing their admiration for someone...even if it's not that strong.  I wish I could be a swooning girl, who schemes for months in advance on a creative gift to give my love, and  waits for the flowers to be delivered on the day of.  I just can't find it in myself to do.  On that note, I do have to say that my all-time favorite gift from Lincoln came to me on Valentine's Day '04 (just two weeks before we got married).  We did (semi) celebrate V-Day before we got married, but agreed that our anniversary was going to be more important to celebrate than V-Day after we got married.  So, 2 short weeks before we got married Lincoln presented me with a home made card on Valentine's Day.  It had a picture of our new family on the front - me (with a much bigger belly than I already had), a heart on my belly for our baby, and him.  I've forgotten what it said exactly (I have it in a keepsake box), but the point was he assured me, for the millionth time, that the baby and I were now his family - the loves of his life - and that he would do anything in the world for us from that point on.  It was, and still is, the best gift I've ever received from him.  

I use Valentine's Day to celebrate the love our family has together.  We celebrated early and had a family day yesterday.  We went to STL, just the four of us.  We stopped by Maryville and visited with Coach.  It was so good to see him (it's been a little over a year!).  Graysen and I enjoyed watching the three boys play a round of basketball in the gym where Lincoln spent countless hours playing in college.  Then we headed to Chuck E. Cheese!  This is one of our all-time favorite places to go!  It's fun for literally the entire family, and it's one of the few public places where I feel safe letting Hunter run and play!  We ordered a cheese pizza and spent 3 hours playing over 100 games!  This was the first trip with Graysen where she could walk and play herself.  She mastered climbing in the toddler play area and going down the slide by herself.  Although it was a tough call to leave at the 3 hour mark, we decided it was probably best to head on out.  We stopped by Target and picked up a few goodies.  Graysen got two new pairs of shoes, and Hunter got new swords!  Then we were on our way to Hermann for Lincoln's basketball game.  (One of the things I love about family days is that Lincoln often sacrifices for the good of the family, instead of making us cut our day short and coming back home so he could ride the bus to the game, he made arrangements to meet them at the game in order to give us an extra 3 hours in STL!)  The kids slept all the way, and Lincoln and I got some great conversation in.  The kids and I stayed for the first half of the JV game and headed on home.  We were all exhausted!  

It was a terrific day - I am so blessed to have a family who loves each other the way we do.  My kids are best friends, and my husband and I are best friends.  What more could you ask for then a day to spend with the best people in the entire world?!  

Valentine's Day 2008 (2009's picture to come tomorrow!)

Family Day 2009

STJ

St. James = mixed emotions for me.

Some days I like the small town atmosphere. Others I would do almost anything to escape it.

Sometimes I like it only taking 3 minutes to drive from one side of town to the other, sometimes I long to see a maze of lanes, ramps, and exits ahead of me.

Sometimes it's nice to know exactly what store you need to go to to find a specific item. Other times I would die to have a mall to pop over to just to browse.

I like that people know me and that they are generally supportive of my family. But what I wouldn't give to be able to disappear if I wanted to.

I enjoy the security of knowing the housing market and having a real estate agent we can trust. But...I wish there was a much larger housing market to choose from.

I appreciate restaurants more because I have to drive 1.5 to eat for special occasions, but I wouldn't a Red Lobster down the road be nice? And what about little specialty bakery?

Sometimes the perks of people knowing your family members is good - other times I wish I could be judged because of who I am, not because of who I am related to.

I like the lack of competition in my field of work, but wish that there were more options for employment in my career.

It's nice to have friends who have known you forever, but other times I wish there were new people to become friends with as well.

I'm glad that we won't be overwhelmed with activities for my children, but wish there was a much larger variety for them to choose from when they get into High School.

Such a hard concept...

Death is such a hard concept to discuss with a 4 year old.  Hunter went out to the cemetery with me on Tuesday to take 3 pink balloons to Claire's grave.  He used to go out with me every day following her death and then went with me weekly until I got pregnant with Graysen at which point I only went on occasion.  So, it had been a few months since he had been there.  Tonight he told Lincoln he wanted to go "back out to the stones".  Lincoln knew immediately what he meant and had a discussion with him about his sister and how she was only buried there, that she lives in Heaven and that we can "visit" with her anytime - we don't have to go to "the stones".  

After a rather lengthy discussion about how we will see her again someday when we go to live in Heaven Hunter started to tear up and ran in the other room.  Lincoln followed and got him to open up and discuss what made him start to cry.  He confided in his Dad that he did not want Graysen to go to Heaven.  That he wanted her here with him because he loved her so much.  (Yes, I'm crying as I'm writing this).  He obviously thought all of his sisters were going to go there without him.  Lincoln assured him that Graysen wasn't going anywhere for awhile and that all was going to be alright.  

The hospital gave me all kinds of literature on sibling grieving when Claire passed, but Hunter was so little he never really understood what was happening.  It breaks my heart that we have to struggle through this time with him - when he really only half understands the concepts that are already present in his life.  I pray that God will give me the right words and information to pass on to him so that he is not upset and understands that it really is all a GOOD THING!  

Today's Verse to Ponder

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trail you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

- 1 Peter 4:12-13

The love of a GG

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures of my Grandma and kids.  I think you can just see the love the three of them have for each other in their eyes.  It makes me so happy to know that my kids and I will have wonderful memories of their GG to share together.  

Hunter's First REAL Drawing

This morning Hunter and I were playing Tic Tac Toe - one of his favorite games - and it turned into a drawing session.  Hunter has never had much patience for drawing, coloring etc.  He would MUCH rather be up and running around playing something active rather than sitting doing a quiet activity.  But, today, he drew a football field (a real circle with yard lines going in the correct direction, and two end goals), seats on one side of the field, lines on the other side (swarms of people running in to see the game), and one real person at the bottom.  He started with two legs and two feet and then moved to the head, including eyes, nose, and mouth.  Lastly, he added the arms, hands, and fingers.  It really looked like a person.  For some four year olds this may not be much of an accomplishment, but for my son, who has never be interested in learning to draw anything real, or color inside the lines, this is huge!  I wish I had a scanner so you all could see, but it did go on the fridge...and will soon go in his keepsake box! 

A birthday note to my Angel Claire

Baby girl,

Today marks your 3rd birthday! It's really amazing how much joy and healing has happened since that day. God has blessed me with a family full of people who have helped heal the part of my heart that you took to Heaven with you.  Thank you for being my angel, for reminding me daily that there is a loving God waiting to reunite us someday.  

I can't wait to hold you in Heaven.

Love,

Mommy

2 new words

Hunter is constantly learning new words and phrases...some great, others...well, not so much.  Today, within 5 minutes of each other he said the following:

"Wow!  You smell fantastic!"  (fantastic is a wonderful, fairly new descriptive word)

"Ah, man, that sucks!"  (I'm not sure where he got sucks, but it's our not so good descriptive word)

Oh well - you win some, you lose some!  :0)

Finally - a SAHM!!!!

I have been struggling for a long time with the chaos that is called our lives.  My dream was always to be a stay at home mom to my children.  To raise them the way that I saw fit, and not to send them to someone else to raise for 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  This has not been the case so far though.  When Hunter was born I was miserably working at FCFP.  Lincoln and I decided that it was a perfect time for me to escape that place and stay at home with our first-born son.  I stayed at home 12 short weeks and then went back to work out of necessity.  I got a job at the STJ Middle School as an aide in the Special Ed Dept.  I enjoyed my work, but only stayed there 2 months.  An opening came up in the Technology Dept. at the High School building and I jumped on that.  It was the perfect job for me.  I got to be around computers all day (which I love learning about), and the people I worked with in my office were a dream!  The only downfall...the pay!  I stayed there 3 years.  For the first year Lincoln kept Hunter during the week and on Mondays he went to either the flower shop with G.G. and A. Lisa, or Bixler Printing with Grandma and Cousin Nel.  After that he got to be too old to hang out at those places and we put him in daycare with Mary Wools.  She lived right next door to us, and it was a perfect set up...if you can call daycare the perfect set up.  After 3 years in the Technology Office, we decided that I would once again try to be a stay at home mom.  I was pregnant for the 4th time (with Graysen).  It was a blessing that I was at home because I got put on bedrest for 10 weeks at the end of the pregnancy anyway!  When Gray was 7 months old we decided that I would start baby sitting in our home...and once the word got out, I couldn't say no!  We ended up with 3 full time kids and 1 part time...plus our 2!  Our lives were crazy...which brings me to this story!

I have been considering going to back to school to get my RN.  I called my Mom to talk it over with her and she finally vocalized the words that I had been avoiding for so many years.  Our lives were too crazy as it was - how could I dream of putting one more thing on my plate?!  To make a long story short, after lots of tears and a long conversation with Lincoln - we made the decision that I would OFFICIALLY become a SAHM!  No more odd jobs - nothing until Gray goes to Kindergarten.  At that point I would go back to school to get a degree that would help me continue onto a career for the rest of my working years.  So - come May, I am finally going to be living my dream!  I am so excited and we are so blessed to be able to do this with our children!!!

My Challenge to You

God said "Be STILL and KNOW that I am God."  Do you think it's possible that we so often find that God is "silent" to us because aren't in the silence with Him?  Maybe we should stop wondering why God has "abandoned" us and go be where He is.  

I would like to challenge everyone to take some time every day to sit in silence.  I'm going to start with 5 minutes a day and would like to increase it by a minute or two each week.  I know that it's no secret that we live in an extremely busy and noisy society, but I was really struck by the truth of this today.  It's wonderful if you already take "quiet time" each day...listening to praise songs, reading your bible, praying, etc.  But do you ever just sit with no outside noise or distractions? Ever lock yourself in a closet if need to be drown out the noise just to sit?  I would challenge you do this.  

I know to some of us with children, husbands, and jobs it sounds like close to an impossibility...but I ask you - what is the alternative?  I think the other option is to be far away from God, to not hear Him speaking to us, to not know His will.  Take turns with your husband for 5 minutes watching the kids, stay up after the rest of the family is in bed and not pick up your book or turn on the TV.  

Be still.  And know that I am God.

- Psalm 46:10

Tooth Fairy Confusion

A few nights ago I was reading Hunter his bedtime story.  This particular night it was "The Berenstein Bears Go to the Dentist".  In the story Sister Bear loses her first tooth, leaves it under her pillow and receives a dime.  So we were talking about how neat it was that Sister got a new dime, and Hunter says "so...now she'll put it in her mouth and have her new tooth?!"

Apparently Hunter thought that the tooth fairy came, took your old tooth, and left you a new one to put in your mouth.  How adorable is that?!  So, after some explaining he understood that a dime is a coin, and the tooth fairy just takes your tooth and leaves you either money or a present in return...your new tooth grows in your mouth by itself.  

:0)   

Spreading the Love Update...

So...I decided to do a challenge this month called "Spreading the Love".  The challenge was basically to take a purchase that you are going to buy anyway (whatever it may be) and purchase it from a small independent business (Etsy, hometown, etc.)  Today I got an invitation in the mail for a baby shower and it said "registered at Babies R Us, Target, and Walmart"...I was so excited to be able to complete the challenge (for the first time this month!).  So...instead of those sites, I went to:

etsy.com and found this super cute item, sproutingup.com and plan on purchasing this...and...thecreativeoutlet.shutterfly.com and getting a Bib-It!

Etsy is an awesome site full of homemade items that are to die for, Sprouting Up is a natural baby store locally owned by a woman here in STJ, and The Creative Outlet are crafts done by a fellow Mom that I go to MOPS with (I buy most of Graysen's hair bows from her as well...).  

So - the challenge is complete - and it's only the first week!  I hope I can complete it at least once more this month!

10 Super Ideas for someone on bed rest

My poor cousin has just been put on bed rest (at 30 weeks)...so, I thought I would make a list of the top 10 most awesome things people did for me while I was on bed rest for 10 weeks.  We will all surely know someone in our lives that will be banished to bed for a few weeks...here are some ideas!

1.  Depending on where she is spending most of her time, buy her new sheets or a super comfy blanket to cuddle up with (Thank you for showing me this Bethany!)

2.  Loan her books if she is a reader, rent her movies if she likes those

3.  Paint her toe nails and finger nails

4.  Take her child out to do something fun and take lots of pictures for her!

5.  Take her dinner and "make ahead" sandwiches or lunches that she can just grab out of the fridge and head back to bed with.  (With dinner take paper plates and plastic utensils so there are no dishes to do!)

6.  Talk to her about other things than JUST the baby when you visit her...that's on her mind all day - I promise she wants to know what's happening in the outside world!

7.  Don't ask her husband to do anything that will take him away from her for long hours or days at a time...she is obviously in a "scary" condition and doesn't need that extra stress of him being away.

8.  Clean the room that she is spending all of her time in.  Everyone rests better in a clean room!

9.  Make art work with her child(ren) for her to hang on the wall nearest her "post".

10.  Offer to take her out of the house to your house once in awhile (if this is allowed).  Have a special spot already set up for her when she arrives.

Lovely Remarks

So I hope no one takes offense to all of my posts this week about death and helping those through it...but I think it's a topic that's so rarely addressed....and NEEDS TO BE!  I've been there - I know that most people don't know what to say...so as I have good ideas, suggestions, etc. I'm going to post them on here - my goal is to break the ice and tell everyone...that IT'S BETTER TO SAY SOMETHING THAN NOTHING AT ALL!!!!

Here is part of an email that I got from a very dear friend of mine tonight - her grandma passed away this week the year after Claire:

"We're thinking of you and Lincoln this month.  It's so surreal that it's here again.  The week bring such mixed feelings for my family - as I'm sure it does for you as well.  I wish I could have been there when Claire was born - I would have loved to meet her, but I know I will one day.  I'm sure my grandmother is squishing her cheeks off as we speak!  lol  :0)"    

"My Own Self"

A few mornings ago Lincoln went in Hunter's room to spend some one on one time with him when he woke up.  Hunter was rubbing Lincoln's goatee...

Hunter: I don't have any hair on my face Daddy

Lincoln: No, because you're still too young, but you will some day, just like me!

Hunter:  No, I won't!

Lincoln:  Why?

Hunter:  Because I want to be my own self!

Lincoln then proceeded to tell him how wonderful it is to not do something just because someone else is doing it and how important it is to make decisions for your own life based on what God tells us to do.  

"My own self" - where did he get that phrase?!  

People don't always forget

My daughter's birthday is on Tuesday.  Usually at this time I would be posting about all the fun birthday party preparations I would be doing for her 3rd birthday party...but I'm not because she's having her party without me.  She's having it in Heaven with God and a host of angels.  I'm sure they'll sing Happy Birthday much nicer than I do!  Ha ha.  The 10th is both her birthday here on Earth and her Welcome to Heaven Day.  I had her for about one hour and then God came for her...and I was okay.

Her first birthday several of my best friends remembered and called, sent flowers, or cards.  My cousin took a rose out to Claire's grave.  Our families (both sides) went out to eat together on her birthday.  It was nice that so many people acknowledged it just like they do my other children's birthdays.  

The second year only those very closest to me called or came by on her birthday.  My mom, my sister, my grandma, my cousin.  I'll be honest, it was hard for me that so many others forgot. 

The other day my Grandma brought me home a gift from a wonderful woman.  I'm not sure how she remembers, she is not an especially close family friend.  But, God used her to bring me a wonderful book about healing and remembrance.  I will never be able to put into words how much it means to me that she not only remembered, but was not afraid to acknowledge it.  Her card was short, but heart felt.  The perfect thing I needed at this time of year.  

On Claire's third birthday my mom and I are going to go out to brunch and then get pedicures together.  I think it's something that we may do with her on her 3rd birthday.  How fun it would be to take her to a salon and get her finger and toenails painted.  I'm sure she would pick out a pretty pink and be thrilled for the time with her Mommy and Grammie.  This year I've decided not to focus on how many people remember, or are brave enough to acknowledge, but to enjoy my time with my mom and to take some quiet time for myself to think through all the memories of those few days - the good and the bad.  And do some more healing.  

My "to see" Movie List

1.  The Bucket List

2.  The Bank Job

3.  21

4.  Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants II

5.  House Bunny

6.  The Women

7.  The Express

8.  Horton Hears a Who

9.  Space Buddies

...but he was still hungry!

One of our favorite children's books is "The Very Hungry Caterpillar".  When Hunter was first becoming interested in books he would sit through about half of a book at a time - except this one!  I could read this one to him 3 times through before he would tire and want down.  When he started to talk he loved to say those words ("...but he was still hungry!") at the right time.  I love repetitive books like this one because it allows non-readers to be an active participant in the story.  As you can see, Hunter also loved to "read" this story to Graysen when she was little.  He was thrilled when I found her a "Caterpillar" onsie that she could wear as he read her the story.  I'm sure we've got many more readings of this family favorite ahead of us!  

ps - this is the first scrapblog I've done without using a template!  :0)

God Answers Prayer

What an awesome God we have!  

I go through seasons of my life when I begin to question...does God really listen to my prayers?  Does he EVER answer them the way I want them to be answered?!  Sometimes it feels like He is adamant about doing the opposite of what I ask, or ignores my requests all together.  

Today I was reminded that not only does God answer prayers...but if we have our eyes and ears open we will sometimes find out that he answers them before we even ask!  I had something very important (info for another post) to talk to three women about today and I prayed all afternoon for God to prepare their hearts for what I was about to tell them.  Amazingly, (maybe it shouldn't be amazing since I know God works in wondrous ways...) two of them were extremely supportive of what I said, and the third one actually responded with "it's funny that you say that because as I was driving home yesterday something just told me that."  Wow!  God had prepared her heart to hear my words a whole day before I even asked Him to!  

Now that's a MIGHTY God!

A "girly girl"?

I have always wanted a "girly girl" for a daughter.  (I'll admit it)  You know - one who doesn't really enjoy playing outside, likes to play dolls, loves to sing and dance.  Sometimes I feel like I've got one - she loves to sleep with her baby doll, often totes the mini version around with her, talks on a cell phone all day long, never stops blabbing her mouth, and already throws monstrous melt down fits when she doesn't get her way.  At other moments I think I've got Hunter and mini-me running around the house.  They love to play tackle and climb on anything and everything.  Instead of playing with her doll house today - Graysen was on TOP of her doll house...not quite what I have imagined it being used for!

Spreading the love

spreading the love badge
Originally uploaded by joyful.star

I'm taking the challenge...will you?

http://ourlittleapartment.blogspot.com/2009/02/ready-for-challenge-spread-love-baby.html

A few more emotional and behavioral goals...

I was such a fan of the Duggars goals (found here) that I went looking for some more that I could add to the list.  Here is what I found.  I am planning on doing a weekly "lesson" on each of these with Hunter...and I'm looking the "right" place to display them in my home....maybe a few in each room, maybe one big list on the fridge...what do you think?!

1.  Always be enthusiastic and look for opportunities to praise others' character.

2.  Always deflect praise and be grateful to God and others for the ways they have benefited your life.

3.  Always use manners and be respectful of others and their belongings

4.  Always do what is right, even when others may not, or when no one is looking.

5.  Thank God for how He made you, for what He has given you and everything He allows you to go through.  (Romans 8:28)

6.  Don't mock or put others down.  Develop compassion and pray for others.

7.  Never argue, complain, or blame.  Quickly admit when you have done wrong and ask for forgiveness (even if you were only 10% at fault).  Don't wait until you get caught.  Be sure your sins will find you out.  He who covers his sin will not prosper, but he that confesses and forsakes it shall find mercy.

8.  Have a tough accountability / prayer partner to daily share your heart with and to keep you in line (your parents, spouse, etc.).  The power of sin is in secrecy.  

What are Grammie's for?!

I'm so blessed to have a mother who wants to play an active role in my children's lives!  She is awesome at helping me teach them all of the little things that I enjoyed as a child, but have somehow forgotten.  Such as this day...when I walked in the kitchen and she was teaching Hunter how to roast marshmallows at the stove!  How fun!

Super Bowl Sunday...

I'm not a sports fan.  I don't "celebrate" sports holidays (World Series, Super Bowl, etc.).  But today I'm trying something different.  We're having some friends over tonight for the Super Bowl.  I'm making some food...trying another one of the Duggar's recipes actually!  I'm looking forward to visiting with our friends...I'll pick to cheer for the team opposite my husband - just because.  We shall see how it goes over.  

I still don't understand why in the world the game doesn't start until bed time though...

Finally...a Stay At Home Mom!

I have been struggling for a long time now with the chaos that is called our lives.  My dream was always to be a stay at home mom to my children.  To raise them the way that I see fit, and not to send them to someone else to raise for 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  This has not been the case so far though.  When Hunter was born I was miserably working at Forest City Family Practice in St. James.  Lincoln and I decided that it was a perfect time for me to escape that place and stay at home with our first-born son.  I stayed at home 12 short weeks and then went back to work out of necessity.  I got a job at the STJ Middle School as an aide in the Special Ed Dept.  I enjoyed my work, but only stayed there 2 months.  An opening came up in the Technology Dept. at the High School building and I jumped on that.  It was the perfect job for me.  I got to be around computers all day (which I love learning about), and the people I worked with were a dream!  The only downfall...the pay!  I stayed there for 3 years.  For the first year Lincoln kept Hunter during the week and on Mondays he went to either the flower shop with G.G. and Aunt Lisa or to Bixler Printing with Grandma and Cousin Nel.  After that he got to be too old to hang out at those places and so we put him in Daycare with Mary Wools.  She lived right next door to us, and it was a perfect set up.  Well...if you can call any daycare set up perfect.  After 3 years in the technology office, we decided we would once again try for me to stay at home.  I was pregnant for the 4th time with Graysen.  It was a blessing that I was at home because I got put on bedrest for 10 weeks at the end of the pregnancy!  (This is the point where we decided that we would be done having children...)  When Graysen was 7 months old we decided that I would start babysitting for Libby...and it turned out that once the word got out I couldn't turn anyone down!  We ended up with 3 kids full time and 1 part time...plus our own 2!  Our lives were crazy...which brings me to this story.

On January 23rd I was considering starting back to school for nursing.  I called my Mom to talk it over with her and she finally vocalized the words that I had been avoiding for so many years.  Our lives were too crazy as it was - how could I dream of putting one more thing on top of it?!  To make a long story short, after lots of tears and a long conversation with Lincoln - we made the decision that I would OFFICIALLY become a Stay at home mom.  No more odd jobs - nothing until Graysen went to Kindergarten.  At that point I would go back to school and get a degree that would help me continue onto a career for the rest of my working years.  (Right now, I think I want to be a nurse!)  I am so excited - and we are so blessed to be able to do this with our children!  

Snow page...

You're going regret me ever learning how to use Scrapblog.com!  Here are the kids in the most recent snow fall...

The Runaway Bride

I realized something last night.  I'm kind of like Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride".  You know how she never really knows her own identity?  She has to actually do some soul searching to know what kind of eggs she likes?  I used to be like that.  Really sad.  Mine wasn't eggs, or clothes...mine was music.  What kind of music do I really like?  It's taken me a few years of soul searching to decide.  It seems I switched "favorites" as my boyfriends changed.  Went through a Christian / Jazz phase (boyfriend #1)  Then a Country phase. (Boyfriends #2 and 3)  Then a Kid Rock / Limp Bizkit phase (boyfriend #4)  Then rap / alternative music (Lincoln).  Now that I'm secure in myself and mature enough to make may own decisions, I have found that I like a wide variety of music.  I enjoy some of what I used to listen to with each boyfriend - I'm still a fan of Christian bands such as FFH and Mercy Me, I enjoy some Louis Armstrong once in awhile.  I like Keith Urban and Martina McBride.  I like listening to some old school Kid Rock (his original album) about once a year.  I love Angie Aparo and laugh out loud when I hear old school rap ring tones that I know all of the [horrible] words to.  I have since realized I love Whitney Houston, old school Brittany Spears, Rascal Flatts, old Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.  

Scrapblog

My friend Chrissy introduced me to a new additction... scrapblog.com!  Holy cow!  I've always wanted to do online scrapbooking and have never been able to figure out the expensive programs..this is a free online program that is REALLY easy to use!  I'm sure I will be playing around with this forever now...and it will be a great way to share pictures on here since I'm no longer on facebook!  Here is a Halloween page I just made (in about 3 minutes!)

No more pre-made fries!

Last night I tried the Duggar's recipe for oven fries.  I have always bought the bag of pre-made frozen french fries, but we didn't have any, and I wanted some with my chicken strips.  Never again will I buy the pre-made ones!  

Pre-Made:

-  Expensive

-  Never seasoned right

- Can't re-heat

New recipe:

- Inexpensive

- Always already have ingredients

- Season to personal liking

- Re-heat awesome!  (Still crispy!)

Good Friends

God has blessed me with some wonderful friends.  I received a card in the mail today from a friend who I have only recently (within the last year or two) reconnected with.  It was exactly what I needed.  It's amazing how God sends friends and notes of encouragement at the right time.  I just woke from a much needed "escape" nap to find the card sitting on my kitchen table.  The front of the card said " May you sense the Lord's loving presence today...keeping you close to His heart, assuring you of His tender care, and covering you with His grace."  

In it she wrote:

"Ashley, know that I think of you often in this, your stressful and sad time of year...I hope you don't hesitate to ask me for any support or help...just email and know I'll listen and pray."

How perfect to hear today.  Thank you dear friend.

Funeral

Today we were urged by our pastor to get things in line for our death. We all know it's coming someday, so why not make life easier on our loved ones by having everything in line? Here are the things that I know I need to do and my progress on them.

1.  Have a burial plot:  Done.  When we got a plot for Claire we also got them for Lincoln and I.  We just picked out 3 in a row.  Claire is buried on the end, and Lincoln and I will be directly next to her.

2.  Pick out and design my headstone:  I have not done this, although I have thought a lot about it since we picked out Claire's.  I would like a joint one with Lincoln - I believe that we will have the back exactly like Claire's is.  The front I would like very simple with  our names, birth dates, death dates, and marriage date in the middle.  

3.  Decide on songs to be played at the funeral:  I'm not sure on this part, but I have been recording all of my favorite song lyrics on this blog, so hopefully my kids can flip through their books and see what my favorites were.  

4.  Decide on scripture:  I haven't done this, but I think it will be very easy for me.  It's my goal to have it picked out and recorded on this post within the next week.

5.  Have my estate taken care of:  This has not been done.  I HATE this!  Although I am well aware that it needs to be done, it seems like every time we discuss it we get busy and don't get around to getting with a lawyer to draw it all up.  It's also rather expensive.  No excuses, I know.  It's my goal to have this finalized this year.  I believe this category includes where our children are to go if we were to die at the same time, what is to happen to our material possessions, and our monetary assets.  (Ha ha, I know there's not much - but we've worked hard for what we've earned and I don't intend for the government to get it!)  We will give at least 10% to the work of the Lord...I want my children to know that even in death we love them, but we loved the Lord more.  

I hope that my family and friends know that I am already looking forward to the day that I get to go Home.  I'm sure that the last few minutes on earth may be a little scary, but in my heart I have a sense of peace and a desire to get to the place that God has prepared for me.  I can't wait to be with my family that has gone on before me and to spend my days singing at the top of my lungs worshiping God!  I hope that my funeral will be more of a celebration that I am where I truly belong rather than a sad goodbye.  We will all be re-united again someday!  If I have lived through this life after having to say goodbye to my daughter, I know that those left after me can do the same.  Be happy, worship the Lord YOUR God, smile and laugh a lot.  Welcome both the joys and sorrows...they help to form you into who you are meant to be.  Lean on God to get you through the hard times - He always will.  Make a difference in those around you and keep your eyes on the prize.  

ps - I'm aware that this is a rather morbid post.  Some may read it and think I'm out of my mind.  I simply think that death is a part of life and to ignore it is ignore reality.  I know what it's like to lose loved ones and try to pull it all together after they are gone.  Nothing prepares you for the loss...but we can make it easier on each other by having plans.  Not just plans that you tell someone, because chances are, they won't be thinking clearly enough afterward to remember what you've told them.  Write it down, put it in a safe place, and then go on with your life - happier and with less stress!    

Realization

My son is tall and getting old.  

I saw him standing at the bathroom sink today and thought he was on the stool.  

No.

He was barefoot on the ground.

How in the world is he going to turn 5 this year?

Am I going to be a good mom to a school-aged kid?

Yikes.

Small Group = Huge Support

Lincoln and I have been involved with a small group for 3 years now. We started attending one with my sister and brother in law and Britt and Nick 3 years ago and have dedicated our Wednesday nights to Small Group ever since then! We originally decided to join because Lincoln has always worked the weekend shift and we were not able to go to church together. We wanted a time to grow as a couple in the Lord and a time to worship together. The group has served that purpose and so much more. Although there have been lots of changes in the group over the last few years (including doing different studies, members, etc.), we have always looked forward to being together on Wednesday night with a group of fellow believers.

At the start of 2009 Lincoln and I decided it was time to "grow" our small group and split off from the existing one. Our "new" group has met 2 times now and I LOVE IT! I have not felt like I belonged in a group like this for a long time! We are doing a tremendous study based on the book "Cure for the Common Life" and the man who is leading the study is doing an AWESOME job! He is typing out outlines for us each week and is doing a tremendous job leading the group discussion. The group is much smaller than our past group and every one speaks each week! We all feel comfortable enough with each other to share, ask questions, and make suggestions.

I just wanted to write this blog and encourage each of you to find a group that you feel like this with. Whether it be an organized group or just a small group of friends, get together on a regular basis and I truly believe that you will see yourself flourish!

Gray's first snow

We have a ton of snow outside right now!  Okay - so, let us put that in perspective...we have about 4 inches or so (on top of ice).  That is nothing compared to my years in Alaska - but the road crews were obviously pros there...not so much the case in good old STJ!  

This is Graysen's first real snow!  We went outside today - it took us about 15 minutes to bundle Hunter, Libby, Graysen, and ourselves up - and then spent about 15 minutes outside.  :0)  Such is life.  I realized a very sad thing today - my daughter doesn't own gloves!  Her hands never reach outside of her ridiculously puffy coat, so I never saw the need for it.  I am preparing to go fix that right now when I go to Walmart grocery shopping...but this morning I had to put socks on her hands!  She didn't mind one bit!  She LOVED it outside!  She could take about 3 steps before she fell down each time, but she just laughed.  There was no frustration like we expected.  She wouldn't eat any, but sure didn't mind it all over her!  

Hunter had a great time throwing snow balls with his dad and making a snow angel.  He has had another real snows, but not for a long time, so he was super excited as well.  I hope that it lasts one more day so we can go out together again tomorrow!  

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

Somehow I have gone this many years without ever hearing this song. Don't ask me how, but I have. It's so true, so raw, so honest. Truly speaks of my heart during the few traumatic times in my life. This is amazing. It's officially added to my late night worship album! Praise God!

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny so tell me
what's a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

This Week's Menu

It always helps me to read other people's weekly menu's.  Sometimes I see a  long lost favorite on there.  Sometimes I see something that sounds so delicious I just have to try it!  So...I hope this helps someone!

1.  Tortellini - most of the time we buy the frozen cheese kind.  It works as a great quick meal before a basketball game!

2.  Crock Pot Dinner - yet again - during basketball season (or any busy time in your life) we love these Crock Pot Classics.  You can find a HUGE variety in the frozen food isle.

3.  Dinner Casserole and Italian Pasta Salad - basically a rice, cheese, and broccoli casserole...I love it!

4.  Chicken a la King - something I never ate until I married Lincoln.  It's one of his favorite.  We always eat it with rice.

5.  Meatloaf and Hashbrown Casserole - A family favorite mixed with a new recipe I've yet to try!

6.  Sausage and Sauerkraut - What's better than potatoes, sausage, and sauerkraut - not a whole lot of anything!!!

7.  Spaghetti - yet another quickie (we ALWAYS eat this meal with garlic bread, corn, and milk...talk about a starchy meal)

8.  Chicken and Noodles - home made by Lincoln!  My personal favorite!

I wish I understood 4 year olds.

What I'm about to tell you might gross you out.  It might change your opinion of me as a parent.  But again, I'm writing this as a journal for my kids, so this is something I MUST record for Hunter's sake.  My Mom has always told me the story of me hiding and pooping in the closet at my Grandparent's house when I was 3 years old.  Embarrassing - yes.  Fact of life - yes.  

My time as a parent came last night.  Hunter had been acting up all evening, so he went to bed 1/2 hour earlier than he usually would.  He continued to come out of his bedroom several more times and was reprimanded every time.  We would send him back to his bed.  Finally, he came out one last time and asked me to change his PJ's.  As I'm changing them I keep smelling poop.  You guessed it.  He has pooped in his pull up!  Not like diarrhea, "didn't know it was coming until it was too late" poop - "I'm mad that you're making me go to bed" poop.  Defiant poop.   The grossest kind of all.  

So the clean up process started.  I just kept looking at him and saying "how do I clean up a 4 year old's poopy pants?!"  "Why did you do this Hunter?!!!"  It was horrible, I'll spare you the details.  I was angry.  I probably didn't handle it as best as I could have.  As I was wiping my son's boofanny with baby wipes, I said "Hunter, since you decided to act like a baby, you will go to bed like a baby tonight.  No movie.  Babies just lay down and go to sleep - and that's what you'll do tonight."  Did I think about the fact that I was making life harder on myself at that moment?  No.  Did I think about the fact that Hunter is scared of being alone and scared of the dark and that is why we let him watch a movie to fall asleep in the first place.  No.  I was mad and this was his punishment.  

So, we got him all cleaned up, and in new PJ's.  Then he laid down and we went to our room.  We sat and talked about it.  I called my Mom for advice.  Then my sister called me back.  She reminded me (being the awesome Aunt that she is) to make sure that he knows that we still love him.  So - Lincoln went in first and talked to him about it.  Got him all calmed down.  Then I went in and fixed up a night light for him in the hallway and laid with him and stroked his hair.  I told him that I still loved him as much as before.  I was simply disappointed in his decision.  We cried together.  It was a huge moment for us.  Who knew that my son would do some growing up and bonding with him mom over poopy pants?  Not me.  I wouldn't have ever guessed it.  

And yes, he did go to sleep without a movie - and without crying.  My boy is growing up...and growing up is hard to do!

No more drama

One day we're going to get rid of our TV. Wait - no, not our TV, but our cable / dish, etc. We need the TV for movies, Wii, etc. Anyway - at the initial thought I cringed. I have never been without TV! Let's face it - I'm addicted to TV right now. Mondays is Bachelor (watched online on Tuesdays), Tuesdays is Biggest Loser, Thursdays is Grey's Anatomy and America's Best Dance Crew (both watched on Friday and Sat. online), and Sunday is Extreme Home Makeover. That's a stinkin' lot of shows to watch every week! It's about 7 hours (since some of them are usually 2 hour shows). I'm aware this is a ridiculous amount of television - but...I love it!

Tonight I watched Grey's and it hit me. Why do I watch such drama???!! Like I don't have enough in my own life? Seriously? Yes...I do. I do not need anymore drama in my life. I gave up facebook (drama is only one of the reasons) and I think I can give up Grey's as well. Do I want to know why Izzie is sick (sorry if I just gave away this week's show to anyone!)? Definitely. But, I think if I skip next week's show I won't even remember to wonder. I'm making it official - I'm giving up Grey's. I might get crazy and give up Bachelor as well. Biggest Loser, Dance Crews, and Home Makeover I'll keep because we watch them as a family. The others - just stupid extra drama in my life. I'm so over that added stress!

Anyway - to bring an end to a random, really crazy blog post - I don't think I'll miss TV when we give it up completely. The quiet just might be welcome!

Dear God

Dear God,

Please give me the energy that I need to to meet the needs of those around me.  Please help me to be less selfish.  Please fill me with your love so that it overflows onto my children.  

Love,

Ashley

My list of accomplishments

Our homework for our small group this week was to make a list of things we have accomplished in our life that we are proud of. Things that we have done that we felt good about. Things we felt natural while doing.  So...what better place to keep my list then right here?!

1. Giving birth to Hunter naturally. I had my mind set on doing it and I was able to accomplish it. It felt good to know that I was doing what I believed was best for my child. It was great to set my mind to something and to find the strength in my own body to accomplish it. It was something that I did with my own will, and no one else helped me.

2. Planning my children's birthday parties. I've done it 5 times now (4 for Hunter and 1 for Graysen), and I have loved the process and outcome of every single event. I really enjoy seeing a day be all about 1 person - especially my child!

3. Loving my kids. Although I readily admit to not always having all the answers about raising my children I do feel like I have always had the natural instinct to love them. The unconditional love that I am assured (and I hope that they are as well) that NO MATTER what they do I will always love them. Nothing in the world can change that. It wouldn't matter if they committed murder, chose a lifestyle that I don't agree with, or decided to never speak to me again; I know without a shadow of a doubt, I will love them as much then as I do today.

4.  Nursing.  (I'm seeing that all of my accomplishments have to do with my children...)  I feel so strongly about this subject and I had to work hard to succeed.  Again - the best parts of it were the accomplishment of doing what I believe is best for my children, the fact that I overcame several "road blocks", and the bonding that occurred during the many long hours!

5.  Finally forgiving my Dad for leaving my family.  And...continuing to forgive every time he hurts my mom, sister, and I.  I lived with anger, resentment, and guilt for so many years that it was a huge accomplishment to move past that and let go of all of the negative feelings.  

6.  Dancing when I was young.  I loved my hours of dance every night.  I always danced with people who were several years older than me giving me the idea that I was fairly good.  

7.  Singing in Girls 6 and Mixed 8 in High School.  I always greatly enjoyed the time with these people and hearing the our voices together.  

Hopefully I'll be able to think of more and add to this list before Wednesday!  :0)

Personal God

When I was in Chicago my girlfriends and I had an awesome conversation about religion and God. I am still (a month later) in awe at how much I learned during that conversation. Not only did I learn a lot about each girl's religious views, I learned a lot about our God.

I was amazed at the fact that although two of us are Catholic, and two of us were raised Baptist and currently attend the same Christian Church, we all four had different views and beliefs - on God and our religion. Each person had a different idea about being saved, the importance of attending church services, the definition of sin, and communion. I found it so very interesting that although we all four love and serve the same God, we had such varied thoughts.

I stand in amazement at our God and how personal He is. How He wants a personal relationship with each one of us and how that plays out in our every day lives. I'm so blessed that He thinks enough of me to wait patiently for me to come to Him each day.

Super Duper Sunday

Today was a Super Duper Sunday! Here are a few of the reasons why:

1. Lincoln was off work - which meant that I finally got to feel what it would be like to be a normal family and have the weekend off together.

2. My Grandma went to church with us. I so enjoyed having her sitting next to me during the service and afterward she said "I see why you guys want to go to that church! I really enjoyed the sermon and it is full of people your age!"

3. I got to see Ally and Mya be dedicated. I believe that dedicating your life to raise your children in a Christian household is so important and special. Britt and Nick have been gracious enough to be there to support Lincoln and I both times we dedicated our children, and it was very special to me to be there to support them as well.

4.  I was able to worship this morning.  We sang two of my favorite songs "Breathe" by Michael W. Smith and "Your Grace is Enough" by Chris Tomlin.  I have been able to let go of the stress the last two days and it was so nice to have nothing else to think about during worship time this morning.  The days when I am able to let go of everything else and truly sing to the Lord  are the best days.

5.  After we got home from lunch we had "Redburn Family Rest Time"! It was a wonderfully quiet few hours in my home when Graysen and Lincoln were napping, Hunter was watching a few of his favorite shows, and I got to finish up laundry, blog, and take some mental health time for myself.

6.  After church I put on Lincoln's sweatshirt from yesterday, so it smelled like his cologne.  I love wearing his big oversized sweatshirts (especially when they smell like him) and jeans!

7.  I got to take a bath and watch part of the "Very Duggar Wedding" Special on TV.    

Recipes from the Duggars!

Here are some of my favorite recipes from The Duggar's book, 20 and counting:

1. Poor Man's Pizza - preheat oven to 450. Lay out slices of bread, spread spaghetti sauce to the edges, sprinkle on shredded cheese. Bake for 5-10 minutes.

2. BBQ Tuna - drain tuna and add LOTS of BBQ Sauce on - spread on buns, bread, or crackers!

3. Layered Ice Cream Cake - In a 9x13 pan layer the following:
1st layer: 12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd layer: half of a container of cool whip
3rd layer: 1 king sized Butterfinger chopped, half of a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup, half of a squeeze bottle of caramel topping
4th layer: 12 more ice cream sandwiches
5th layer: Other half of the Cool Whip
6th layer: Repeat 3rd layer

Freeze and eat!

4. Hash-Brown Casserole - Preheat oven to 350. Crush 3 cups of corn flakes in a plastic bag and pour 1/2 stick melted butter in and shake. Mix 2 cans of cream of chicken soup, 1/2 cup of whipping cream, 2 tea. onion powder, pinch of salt, and 1/2 tea. of pepper together. Spray two 9x13 pans with oil. Layer each pan as follows: 1/2 a (32 oz) bag of frozen hash browns, soup mixture, shredded cheddar cheese. Repeat layers. Top each casserole with the crushed corn flakes. Bake 45 minutes. Serves 20.

5. Oven fries - Preheat to 450. Cut potato into quarters lengthwise. Rub potato with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Sprinkle on the seasoning of your choice (they recommend garlic powder, salt and pepper, or chili powder). Lay on baking sheet - bake for 20 minutes until golden brown and fork tender.

Life is not a fairy tale

Life is not a fairy tale. Sure, boy and girl meet, they fall in love, they get married, and they have babies. I'm one of these people. From the outside, my life may look like a fairy tale. I started dating my husband my senior year of HS, he was my senior prom date. We got married, moved back to our home town, had a baby, bought a house, he works, I stay home. Sounds picture perfect right? At times, it is. At others, it's a nightmare. We had lots of major issues before we got to the marriage point. We had to work for our relationship. We had to fight for it. We had to overcome disapproving friends and family. We had to compromise on a lot of things. We had our break ups, we always decided it was better together than apart. We had our son first - it was great, we were in Heaven...until we were both sleep deprived and Hunter wouldn't lay down without crying. Until we couldn't go out with our friends doing something spectacularly fun for the first time because we had a responsibility to be home with our child. That's when reality sets in. When the bills come in and there isn't enough money to pay them all. When you have a child die. When you have to work such long hours that you don't even lay eyes on your child for 3 days because every time you're home they are sleeping...and the spouse at home has to deal with the child who bursts into tears because they see a picture of you and miss you. These are the real parts of life.

What brings me to this rampage you ask? I just watched the Notebook. Movies like that make me mad. I will do everything in my power to make sure Gray does not watch such silliness. It sets girls up with totally unrealistic expectations of love and life.

If you are the mother of a daughter - please make sure she knows that is NOT how real life is. I think it will save a lot of heartache.

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear

I have been going through lots of inner struggles lately. I have kept a lot of feelings, goals, wants, dreams, etc. locked up inside me because I was afraid of what the response would be if I voiced them. Today, the woman who knows me best in the whole world made me hear them. She voiced what I have been feeling in the last year and had been avoiding. It was hard for me to hear it. It made me sick to my stomach, it made me cry. She vocalized exactly what I have been feeling, but too afraid to admit - even to myself. After my conversation with her, I was able to say it. I was able to voice it to my husband just like she just had. And guess what? He was in agreement! I should've just voiced my feelings all along. It re-affirmed my faith in myself and my relationships. It was a great day. I finally had a sense of peace.

Baby Fever...

I'm always amazed at the phenomenon of baby fever. Although there are no physical symptoms (that our husbands can see) - the effects of it are very real in the heart of a woman. When I'm hit with baby fever I find it hard to function doing anything else without thinking about being pregnant or having a newborn.

Sure, there's the uncomfortableness of being pregnant (lucky - or maybe unlucky for me, I haven't ever been sick), there's the lack of sleep with a newborn, there's the diapers, the crying. But there's something about the feel of that baby kicking in your tummy, and the smell of a newborn that is totally worth all the "crummyness" of the situation.

Sadly, I feel the urge lots - every time I hear a baby name that I want to use, every time someone announces that they are pregnant, every time I pass a maternity store in the mall, and every time I see a newborn. Whew - it's really hard for me. I would have a dozen if I did pregnancy well and if we could afford them. No lie.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I love getting a taste of sweets, therefore I always have something baked, but we throw away more pies, cakes, brownies, cookies, etc. at my house than any other house in America!

2. I love the freedom of forgetting my cell phone at home. I've had one ever since I could drive, so I never knew what it was like to venture off without that added security. I feel very adventurous when I'm out without it!

3. I love having a clean house. I literally sleep better at night when my house is clean and picked up. Too bad it doesn't happen often enough.

4. Although I grew up with a dog of my own from age 3 to freshman year of HS, I honestly don't ever want another dog. I'm not one of those people who get attached to pets.

5. Sometimes instead of a traditional prayer time at night I sing to God. I love singing worship songs.

6. I always feel like I don't have any clothes, but I hate to shop for myself, so I really shouldn't complain.

7. I still walk through the baby isles at Wal-Mart (or any store I'm at) every single time I'm there even though I don't have a baby anymore. I think I always will.

8. I used to feel like I needed new everything - now my favorite material things come from garage sales, Salvation Army, and Antique Malls.

9. I don't enjoy watching a movie or reading a novel twice (there are the exceptions, but even with those I need a few years between each viewing.) I already know what's going to happen! (I can on the other hand read self help books over and over because I gain new insight depending on where I am in my life)

10. I really like quiet time. Sad, but true, I'm one of those moms that needs some quiet time to myself to keep my patience the rest of the day.

11. I used to love Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, but then I heard that the Uni-bomber ate a gallon of it for his last meal and it's never tasted quite the same since then. My new favorite is probably Rocky Road.

12. I don't keep in touch with any of my ex-boyfriends.

13. I love planning parties. Weddings, birthday parties, play dates, holiday get togethers...just about anything! (I love the planning stage way more than the actual event where I always feel stressed about visiting with everyone!)

14. I did not like tea at all until I entered Lincoln's family - now some may say I'm addicted to VERY sweet tea!

15. I adore pictures of my children. I would go get their pictures taken professionally once a month if I didn't feel ridiculous!

16. My sister and I didn't get along very well when we were younger, but today I can honestly call her my best girlfriend.

17. I used to feel like a trip to Rolla was nothing, but these days it's a big undertaking and wish that we could move there just to be closer to everything.

18. I love to stay busy - I really only like down time if it's just me by myself. Otherwise I want a planned activity.

19. I believe that love is a choice - not a feeling at all really.

20. I hate Valentine's Day - it's sooooo over rated!

21. I love to eat out...like sit down restaurant eat out - drive through doesn't even count as eating out to me anymore.

22. I think my all time favorite restaurant is Red Lobster - I might be able to eat there 3 nights a week!!!

23. I have to have my socks on to go to sleep.

24. I can't stand snoring. It is impossible for me to fall asleep if Lincoln (or anyone else) is snoring.

25. I really struggled to come up with 25 of these - it was easy up until about number 15!

Yet another lesson from the Duggar's:

The 10 unchangeable things about ourselves that make each person a unique individual:

1. The way God made us
2. Our Parents
3. Our brothers and sisters
4. Our nationality
5. Our mental capacity
6. Our time in history
7. Our gender
8. The fact that we grow older as the years pass
9. Our birth order and placement in our family
10. The fact that life is a race against time and the best way to use that time is to serve God and others.

When you really think about these things they are very true. I am going to try to remember these things when I get down on who I am and what I'm doing (or not doing) to make a difference.

Emotional and Behavioral Goals

I got this list from the Duggar's Book: 20 and Counting. I found it so good that I had to record it.

1. Always use soft words, even when you don't feel good.
2. Always display kind actions, even when you have been mistreated
3. Show joyful attitudes even when no one is looking
4. Have sincere motives with no thought of self - gain
5. Think pure thoughts
6. Always give a good report of others. Never tattle-tell unless physical harm will come to someone. Use Matthew 18.
7. Never raise a hand to hit
8. Never raise a foot to kick
9. Never raise an object to throw
10. Never raise a voice to yell
11. Never raise an eye to scowl
12. Use one toy / activity at a time
13. Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
14. Amendment J.O.Y: Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. Make serving your family a priority.

I miss my Grandpa

Today is the anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I miss him. He died when I was in 4th grade - but I still have very vivid memories of him. I still use so many of "his" phrases. I still go visit his grave site (it's just up from Claire's). I still think from time to time - Grandpa would be proud, or Grandpa would love watching Hunter do this, or hearing Hunter say that.

I miss sitting on his lap.

I miss making games with his foot stool.

I miss his funny food obsessions.

I miss him asking me to recite my favorite book to him even though I know he didn't really want to hear it again.

I miss his phrases - My favorite: "You make a better door then a window" (probably because I heard this one the most!)

I miss seeing my mom sitting in the living room having a conversation with him. I know she treasured his advice more than anyone else in the whole world.

I miss saying "I'm going to Grandma and Grandpa's house"

I miss watching my Grandma put his socks and shoes on.

I miss going the car lot when we got into town VERY FIRST.

I miss the making up games on the square tiles at the car lot and getting M&M's off the desk.

I miss my Grandpa and can't WAIT until I get to hug him again.

Give Claire and extra big hug and kiss for me tomorrow Grandpa - thank you for being there to hold her while I can't.

I love you.

How do you cope?

How do you cope when you are going through something that is a downer to you? I hear of people who eat, or don't eat. People who work out obsessively, people who cry, who crave time to themselves. There are so many coping methods you can't possibly name them all.

I'm sure I've written about this before, but when I was in HS I coped by sleeping. I would sometimes sleep for like 18 hours at a time...not always at night either. I had the back bedroom in my basement and there were no windows. It was like a sleeping heaven! Dark, quiet - awesome for escaping the world's problems. At least for the time being... Eventually I had to wake up and face the world again, but it sure was nice to have a place and way to forget all my worries for a period of time.

Obviously when I had my kids I could no longer sleep like that. Someone had to care for them, and since Lincoln and I have always worked opposite shifts, that was usually me. No more sleeping for Mommy. So - what did I find as a coping method? Escaping - escaping my responsibilities, escaping the quiet of my own mind. Lately I have found myself going out with my girlfriends for 1/2 price appetizers after work, going to movies with my MOPS group and out for coffee afterward, going to my Mom's house to walk (for 2 hours straight), taking 2 hour baths, etc. These are not normal activities for me. Yes, during most of them Lincoln was available to care for the kids, and at least one of them was sleeping...but still. Lincoln was home, and awake. Why did I not want to spend the time with him? It is not like me to escape my home like this. To get away from my family, my husband. I think it's because there's so much I want to say to him, but know that I've beat it into the ground over the last 3 years. He has heard everything I have to say (at LEAST 3 times). He never seems depressed this time of year, which is great - I don't want to drag him down with me. So - I avoid him.

Lincoln and I had a conversation about it tonight and he swears that he hasn't noticed anything different, (which is great!), but I have - and so...now I face the quiet of my own head and heart. I must face what is inside and deal with it.

Why...???

All We Know of Heaven

I just finished the book "All We Know of Heaven". It is loosely based on the car accident several years ago when two best girlfriends were mistaken...one died, the other lived and for 8 weeks they had the girls mixed up. Although I think I would have much preferred a book that was written about the scenario off of facts, this book was fairly interesting. I read it in two days (like I usually do) - which means that I enjoyed it. Sometimes I start a book, put it down for the night and never pick it back up. Blah. I heard about this book from someone who said it "turned their life around". They said it made them re-think everything they thought was normal. I would NEVER go that far when describing this book. I think it was a good story for me to read during this month because I could totally relate to both of the mothers while they went through their grieving stages. It made me feel better about my behavior after we lost Claire and then every year for these 4 weeks. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that how you feel and what you do isn't so crazy afterall!

Kindergarten Thoughts

Sending my children to school scares the daylights out of me. Honestly. I have never enjoyed having anyone else watch my children for more than a few hours at a time. I have never wanted a stranger instilling thoughts, ideas, and life lessons on my children. That is my job. I have had a list for 2 years of which teachers I would be okay with Hunter having. I update the list every year as teachers move in and out of STJ Kindergarten. It's a very scary thing to send your child off to someone for a large part of the day to do the teaching that I really feel like God intended us as parents to do. It's not like a daycare or babysitter where you get to interview several prospects and pick which one you feel fits your child and family the best. There is no process of getting to know your child and then fitting them with a teacher who will best suit their learning style and other classmates who will encourage your child and bring the best qualities out in them.

I'm aware we can't shelter our kids forever, but 5 (or 6) is still VERY VERY young...there's far too much character building left to happen at that age to entrust someone else for 7 -8 hours a day to do it.

I've been reading The Dugger's Book and they home school and I have been really convicted. Don't get me wrong, I doubt that I'll end up being able to do it, just really feels like the right thing to do.

You ruined my life

Last Friday night was the first time I heard this come out of Hunter's mouth. I'm sure I will hear it several more times through the years (although I can always hope not...). Of course, at age 4 I ruined his life by making him sit in time-out for pushing his 1 year old sister down while I started the Wii Fit without him. Oh boy...

Wedding Invitations evoke many memories....

Today I went to STL to help my girlfriend make her wedding invitations. I am in her wedding April 4th. Of course, with all of her bridesmaids, aunts, and mom's friends, the talk today was very girly...very - loveish. (I know that's not a word.) It made me replay the days leading up to my own wedding. All of the preparations, all of the emotions, stress, excitement, exhaustion. Over lunch Amy asked us all to share the worst part about our own weddings with her. As I went around the room hearing women say "Uh, I got married. Ha ha, that was the worst part". Or "I married Mike". It made me really sad. I pray that I NEVER say that. I hope that I never have any reason to regret my marriage to Lincoln. Of course, I don't think that I'll ever regret it - because if nothing else, I have learned SO many lessons on marriage, relationships, and men. And most importantly - I have my children. When it came to me, I could honestly say - "I can't think of a single bad thing that happened that day." How lucky am I?! My wedding was awesome! Amy even agreed...(she was one of my bridesmaids as well) - the day was flawless. I didn't forget anything, no one made a scene, my unity candle didn't catch on fire (yes, that was truly one of the girls stories), and I married an AWESOME man.

During a period of my life when not too much looks happy, it was nice to be reminded of a flawless day in my life.

A day when nothing went wrong and all of my dreams were coming true.

Full-Time Help

If you could hire someone full time to make your life easier, what would their duties be?

Employee will do all laundry (including folding and putting away) and dishes. They will be available to cook meals when I am not in the mood, but will willingly step aside when I wish to do the cooking myself. Employee will clean my house throughly weekly - not just the vacuuming and dusting, but windows, window ledges, baseboards, ceiling fans, etc. Employee will happily switch their daytime hours for evening hours when I need a nanny for whatever reason. Employee will run errands for me when I am not in the mood, and will "hold down the fort" when I need a break from the house. Employee will cut the grass and landscape my yard. Employee can not have an existing friendship with any member of my family, but will be someone that I can see myself growing to love.

No facebook = more posts

I quit facebook today...therefore, I'm sure you will start noticing multiple posts per day from me. Since I print each of these out and put them in a binder for each of the kids, I'm planning on using this as more of a journal of our everyday life (as well as my other more thoughtful posts) like I used my facebook status for...hope it doesn't get too overwhelming for you!

Aspiration

Lincoln asked Hunter last night what he wanted to do when he got older. His response?

"Dad, I want to play football on TV and be in a dance crew!"

Yes!!!! I have to admit, it makes me happy. I know you're not supposed to "want" your child to do any certain activity, but let's all be honest, deep down don't we all want our child to do something that we love as well? Don't we want to share that passion with our children?

It did make me stop and think though - when and where is that line where you continue to encourage your child to do what they dream of, and love - but make sure that they are realistic and not dreaming of playing in the NFL when their chances are VERY slim of doing so.

It's a fine line - but for now, we'll dream big!

Multiple Blessings by Jon and Kate Gosselin and Beth Carson

HOLY COW.

This was honestly the most encouraging parenting book I have ever read in my whole life. For those of you who don't know me that well - that's a huge statement for me to make, because since the day I found out (okay, the day after) that I was pregnant with Hunter I have read every parenting book that I can get my hands on. I've gotten lots of good advice from all that I've read, but nothing has encouraged me to stay the course and keep on keepin' on like this one did.

The book is filled with sound biblical messages mixed with practical, true, honest parenting emotions. If you watch their show at all you know that Kate is pretty blunt. She is as well in this book, but there is nothing like sharing stories with an HONEST CHRISTIAN Mom.

I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who is wanting to have children, pregnant, or already a parent. You don't have to be a parent of multiples to gain great insight and strength from this story.

No words could express how much I enjoyed this book. Please read it.

Chicken Salad = a hit!

I made the chicken salad recipe from my Mitford Cookbook. It was pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I didn't follow the recipe exactly - I put fewer green onions and added grapes. I didn't measure out my salt and pepper. But - it was tasty. It was really heavy, very filling. I only needed one small bowl and a roll and I was FULL! Lincoln felt the same way. Hunter did NOT enjoy it, so unfortunately chances are that I won't be making it very often...but, as always, he did eat his 3 bites.

Anyone else have a terrific chicken salad recipe they'd like to share?

Am I doing enough?

Lately I have been wondering if I am doing enough as a parent to raise my children in a Christian home. Am I teaching them to love The Lord their God with all of their hearts? I try my best every day to model good behavior and a relationship with God to my children. I take them to Sunday School and Church every week. We talk about God and to God on a daily basis in our home.

It's a fine line. I am a firm believer that every person (child or adult) has to form their own beliefs. They have to have their own opinions or they aren't going to be a true believer. Their belief system isn't going to be strong and firm enough to help them get through the challenges that life throws at us. So - do I want to shove religion down my children's throats? NO WAY. Do I want to force them to be in church every Sunday morning, night, and Wednesday? Again - no. But I do want to model the way that I believe is correct. I want to let them see that God is who has gotten me through the trenches of life.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Graysen has pneumonia.

That's right. I feel like I've hit my first medical failure as a parent with her. I had to rush Hunter to the ER when he was around this age as well...so that was my first with him. Anyway - she's only had a cough since Friday evening. I totally didn't think we would go and hear this news. I knew she had an ear infection since she literally screamed her head off every single time we laid her flat last night (it was a LONG night...). Ear infection - yes. "Monstrous" in fact...yes, those were Dr. Sean's words. Then he listened to her chest and heard a "crackle". Apparently, crackles aren't a good thing. She's had a breathing machine (nebulizer) since she was born basically, but has never required a chest X-Ray like we experienced today. It was terrible. Anyway, we went back down for Dr. Sean to read them, and sure enough...fluffy. Yup, his words again, she has a fluffy left lung. Pneumonia. We are on "lock down" until Friday, on breathing treatments every 4 hours, got a shot today at the Dr. and starts oral meds in the morning.

Please say an extra prayer for healing and patience for her two tired parents.

Because God made me that way...

Hunter recently had a conversation with one of our friends about his obsession with the word poop. The conversation went something like this:

Kim: "Hunter, why exactly do you like that word so much?"
Hunter: "What, poop?"
Kim: "yes, poop"
Hunter: dramatic pause..."Because God made me that way!"

Interesting - very interesting...

Today is a sad day.

Three years ago today Lincoln, Hunter, and I started out to Rolla with so much excitement in our hearts. We were headed to find out if our 2nd baby (3rd pregnancy) was going to be a boy or girl! We were so joyous because we had made it past the first trimester (when we had our loss with our 2nd pregnancy).

We got to the ultrasound room and the technician had lots of "problems" getting the baby to wake up and move around so she could get good measurements. After both a regular and vaginal ultrasound she promptly told us that we were going to need to go down and talk to Dr. Cunningham. We didn't have an apt. with her that day, so we knew something was wrong. Luckily Lincoln's cousin was our OB Nurse and she took Hunter from us when we got down to the office. While we waited for our doctor to get back from a delivery we talked about everything that we could come up with. I recounted to Lincoln every medical thing I could remember from all of my pregnancy books. We agreed that no matter what the problem was we would be okay and God would pull us through it. Then Dr. Cunningham came in and told us the news. Our baby would not live after she was born. She was missing half of her brain. This was not something that we had ever discussed. Not something I had ever read about. Not something we thought we could make it through. Blessed, as we were, Jamiee (our cousin) called both of our Moms and had them come immediately to the office to be with us and take care of Hunter. Dr. Cunningham escorted us down to another office for another Dr. to do an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. Sure enough, he found the same thing. Anencephaly. A foreign word at that time, now the word has more meaning than I ever wanted it to. Dr. McCaul (the second doctor) explained the diagnosis to both of our mothers and us two more times and told us that our baby was a girl. Our first daughter. We left his office in tears and went back down to the first ultrasound room to get the pictures they took of our baby girl for us.

Though most of the day is now a blur of horrible memories, there are five things that I will forever remember crystal clear about that day.

1. I was shaking on the examining table while Dr. Cunningham was telling us the news so hard that Lincoln stood up to steady my shoulders. His touch was the most welcoming feeling I could've had at the time.

2. They escorted us through all the back doors so that we didn't have to go through waiting rooms and see other pregnant people or try to hide our tears. Even at the time I was extremely grateful for that.

3. Our first ultrasound tech (which we would go on to request for every ultrasound in our subsequent pregnancy) came down to Dr. McCaul's office and cried with us. She hugged me and whispered in my ear that she was so sorry that she couldn't tell me when she found it. She was so sorry that we had to sit and wait for Dr. Cunningham when she knew all along. And that she promised we would scan lots more babies together. I was so touched that she cried with me and apologized for something that she had no control over.

4. As we were coming out of the ultrasound room getting ready to leave the building Hunter was standing by the front doors with our moms and he reached out for me and said "Ma ma" - for the first time truly meaning me. God does give us little rainbows even in the mist of our biggest storms...we just have to look for them.

5. My pastor met us at our house when we got home. I'm still not sure who called him, but he had to had dropped whatever he was doing and ran to our home. How nice it was to have wise council to reassure us when we got back to the place where we already had the crib set up and now knew we would never be bringing a baby home to.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

What a challenge. It is so easy to want to "take over" and figure it out yourself. I have a belief that when God lays something on your heart he expects you to follow through. I don't think that he always smoothes the path in front of you. I don't think he always answers all questions before hand. If you are preparing to undertake a monumental task in your life and you have all the questions answered - it's probably not a God thing.

January Stinks...but March smells much better!

1. It's a huge let down directly following the holiday season.
2. I love visiting with our families over Christmas and then everyone goes back to their jobs and leaves me in my house with lots of kids and no adult interaction.
3. January 12th is the day that we were told that our middle daughter Claire would not live after her birth
4. My grandpa passed away on January 20th and every year my Grandma gets a little depressed. It's very hard to see her like that when she's almost 82 years old.
5. Our daughter Claire was born and died on Febuary 10, 2006. We burried her on Feb. 11th and that day is just as hard if not harder.
6. It's generally cold outside and I HATE being cold. The kids can't go outside and burn off energy and therefore are much harder to entertain with inside games.

By March I am always in much better spirits. I feel like the rains of spring come and wash away my sorrows. God sends me rainbows to look at, birds to listen to, and flowers to smell. Until then I just hang on...one day at a time.

Rut

Sometimes I get into a rut. I know we all do.

How do you deal with yours? Do you get a new job, new pet, new friends, new hobby? Do you go on vacation, cut your hair, take more time for yourself, have a baby? I think I've tried every single one of those things from time to time.

I find myself at the crossroads again...

3 Green Moves by Ashley

I have done three more "green" things this past week - two inspired yet again by Bethany. Without her I honestly think I might be totally nieve on this whole subject!

1. I ordered re-usable pads. Yup, I took the plunge. I haven't gotten them yet, but I'm VERY excited for them to come!

2. I did not bag my fresh veggies today at the store. Her voice popped in my head as I was pulling the bag down - "you're going to take them home and wash them anyway, why put them in a bag to "protect" them?"

3. This one is inspired by my sister (with a slight twist) - I am now refusing straws from waitresses. Why waste the plastic and paper when I don't need it? I used to ALWAYS use a straw at restaurants because I didn't want my mouth to touch the glass in case it wasn't very clean...but hello, I'm drinking the drink in that "dirty" glass! :0) Anyway - Kara always encourages me to leave the straw on the table, but I don't really think that they are going to put that back in the "to give out" pile - they are just going to scoop it up and throw it away - so now I tell the waitress "no straw" as she is handing me my glass.

I try to share all of my new steps with family members in hopes that they might do the same! :0)

So much to learn from a little one...

We can learn so much from watching babies.

Lincoln is horrible at multi-tasking. Actually - it's impossible. He CAN NOT listen and do ANYTHING else at the same time. So, I find myself saying to him, "Lincoln please look at me so I know that you're listening to me." I have to have eye contact in order to know that he's really taking in what is coming out of my mouth.

Graysen has started really blabbering lately. She gives people these long stories (not using any real words of course), but a lot of "L" tongue movements and other random sounds and mouth shapes. This morning she was sitting on my lap while I was working on the computer. She was talking away and I was responding to her with phrases such as "Really? Oh My! How interesting! I can't believe that! That's great." etc. All of a sudden she just grabbed my hair and whipped my head around to face her and gave me a very STERN "talking to"! After I continued to make eye contact with her she returned to her normal tone of voice. She wanted me to make eye contact with her so that she knew I was listening! She wanted me to stop multi-tasking and pay attention.

My - how much little ones know.

Recipe I've been wanting to use #1 - Pumpkin Pie

Well, I made my first pumpkin pie tonight. I used the recipe out of my Mitford Cookbook that I talked about earlier. It was really good! Nothing extra special about it - just a typical pumpkin pie, but I was pretty proud that I made it!

So - one recipe down from my list of "to makes"! I'm going to tackle the chicken salad tomorrow afternoon / evening - I'll let you know how it goes!

Tip to get your 4 year old to eat his food...

Alright, so those who know me best know that I HATE confrontation. I hate arguments. I will avoid them at all costs. So...some may say that what I'm about to tell you is wrong. That I should just be the parent and tell my son to sit down, be quiet, and eat his dinner. But - that's not who I am. So, this is what I have found works for us!

Hunter has always been a flighty eater. Don't get me wrong, he eats A LOT, basically all day every day, but he is rather picky with his food. We've gone through lots of stages over the years, starting with hiding food on the fork behind something else that he does like, cooking veggies in foods that wouldn't otherwise call for them, singing songs ( The bee goes buzzing around the barn, thought that he would do no harm, he went buzzzzzzzz), and most recently the "Tell me what your ____ thinks of it".

The rule is that he must take at least 3 bites of his meal before he is allowed to get down from the table. So, I give him a bite and say, "Hunter, tell me what your tongue thinks of it". He'll respond with "yucky, or eww, or surprisingly sometimes - YUMMY!" Then we move on to other parts of his body. Most of the time as long as I can keep coming up with body parts he'll keep eating the bites - well past number 3. You can always tell when he HONESTLY doesn't like something because when I go for bite number 4 he says - "no way mom, that was three bites!" Too smart!

Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook

I blogged about this cookbook (and the meat loaf recipe) just the other day, but I wanted to share some more of my favorites!

Baxter Apple Pie is the recipe that I followed for my very first apple pie. It turned out great!

The Doozie is one of Hunter's favorite sandwhiches. It's just peanut butter and cherios on bread, but I would've never thought of it before! It's very tasty, super easy to make, and I almost always have the ingredients!

The next recipes from the book that I want to try are Puny's Banana Bread, Cynthia's Pumpkin Pie, and Cynthia's Chicken Salad. I also want to make the Christmas Smell the next time we have guests over.

Lincoln is actually picking up the missing ingredients for the banana bread and pumpkin pie tonight after he gets out of practice - we might just have pie as desert tonight!!

I like meat loaf!

I really like meat loaf. I don't think that most people do, but I think it's great! I just recently started making it for my family. Hunter isn't a huge fan (although with enough ketchup and the "tell me what your ___ thinks about it" game he'll eat anything), but Gray and Lincoln love it as much as I do!

I use the recipe from one of my favorite cook books "Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook and Kitchen Reader". I ordered this cookbook after I finished the Mitford Series and craved more of my "lost friends". This book includes the recipe for every dish mentioned in the books (and there are a lot of them!).

Saute some green pepper in a skillet with oil. Mix 2 lbs. of ground round, 1 cup of oats, 2 beat eggs, sauted green pepper, 1 (8oz) can of tomato sauce, and some salt and pepper in a bowl. Press the mixture into a loaf pan and book on 350 for 1 hour. Take out, drain juice from pan, pour ketchup over the top, and put back in for 15 minutes.

My mom bought me my first loaf pan for Christmas! It's a Pampered Chef stoneware loaf pan and I used it last night (for meat loaf) for the first time! I LOVE it! It worked great, cooked very evenly, and was, as with all stonewear, super easy to clean!

It's okay: to my kids

Hunter and Graysen,

I want you to know that when you're a parent it's okay to do a few things that you'll probably feel guilty about.

It's okay to put your child in the highchair in front of the TV in order to get a shower in that day.

It's okay to let your child stay in their bed after they wake up as long as they aren't crying. Hunter, you woke up crying every time, but Graysen would sit in her bed and talk for a half an hour sometimes.

It's okay for your baby to be nursed past a year. It's also okay to continue using a bottle at bedtime a little over a year - there's nothing magical that happens on their first birthday...I promise.

It's okay for your child to have a Happy Meal for dinner because you're too tired to cook. (We all have those nights!)

It's okay for your house to be messy - as long as your family is happy.

It's okay to have "special days" (Hunter, that's what you call them) where you eat ice cream for breakfast, stay in your PJ's all day, and just lay around and watch movies together. Those are what memories are made from.

Two are twice the work

Two children are definitely twice the work...maybe more. I have had people in the past tell me that once you have one, there's not much of a difference in having more than one. I think they're wrong.

I'm so impressed with all the single parents out there with more than one child. You all are saints - I can only imagine your daily struggle to keep things fair, give equal amounts of love, time, and energy to each child when there is only one of you to go around. I find myself struggling and stressing over these things the three days a week when I am basically a single parent (my husband works 12 hour weekend shifts). I find myself losing patience much more easily when I can't escape to take a hot shower by myself at least once a day. Sad, but it's the honest truth of parenting.

I think back to the days of having only Hunter - wow, how easy were those! We were able to do all kinds of fun projects together without any struggle or interruption. We were able to snuggle to go to sleep every night. We were able to take car trips at the drop of a hat. Now everything is more complicated. Not that it's always bad - I wouldn't give up Graysen for anything in this world - but the simple fact is - two is at LEAST twice the work!

Things to Remember

1. When Hunter was a baby he called a cookie a "cook cook" - my sister just remembered this yesterday when we were trying to teach Graysen the word. It's amazing what you think you'll never forget...and then you do.

2. Hunter could NOT say the word "drink" for the longest time. He was probably three by the time he actually started pronouncing the word correctly on a regular basis. He called it an "ink" for a long time, and then moved on to "fink".

3. Graysen twirls her hair when she's going to sleep. From the day she was born she played with her hair when she got tired, but now it's long enough that she actually twirls it around her first finger and then pulls on it until it slides out of her hand. Her Grammie does this exact same thing!

New Years Resolution?

I gave up making a New Years Resolution lots of years ago. I don't believe in them. There is nothing about it being the first day of a new year that is going to motivate me to do something new with my life. I'm no more likely to start watching what I eat or exercising on Jan. 1st then I am any other day of the year. I believe that there are very few things that can change overnight, so why would the night of December 31st to January 1st be any different?

Instead, I like to take a look at my life and see what things I would like to accomplish over the next few years. Here's what I think my goals are going to be:

1. Continue working on becoming a better housekeeper
2. Decide upon a future career
3. Learn and cook at least 10 new recipes
4. Go a straight month without soda (but I say that one every year)
5. Continue to try to make God my number 1 priority, my husband my 2nd, and my children my 3rd. (2 and 3 often times get mixed up for me)
6. Start planning our next Disney World Vacation
7. Save two times the amount of money for our Christmas Jar as we did last year
8. Become more familiar with the stories of the Bible