Finally...a Stay At Home Mom!

I have been struggling for a long time now with the chaos that is called our lives.  My dream was always to be a stay at home mom to my children.  To raise them the way that I see fit, and not to send them to someone else to raise for 8 hours a day 5 days a week.  This has not been the case so far though.  When Hunter was born I was miserably working at Forest City Family Practice in St. James.  Lincoln and I decided that it was a perfect time for me to escape that place and stay at home with our first-born son.  I stayed at home 12 short weeks and then went back to work out of necessity.  I got a job at the STJ Middle School as an aide in the Special Ed Dept.  I enjoyed my work, but only stayed there 2 months.  An opening came up in the Technology Dept. at the High School building and I jumped on that.  It was the perfect job for me.  I got to be around computers all day (which I love learning about), and the people I worked with were a dream!  The only downfall...the pay!  I stayed there for 3 years.  For the first year Lincoln kept Hunter during the week and on Mondays he went to either the flower shop with G.G. and Aunt Lisa or to Bixler Printing with Grandma and Cousin Nel.  After that he got to be too old to hang out at those places and so we put him in Daycare with Mary Wools.  She lived right next door to us, and it was a perfect set up.  Well...if you can call any daycare set up perfect.  After 3 years in the technology office, we decided we would once again try for me to stay at home.  I was pregnant for the 4th time with Graysen.  It was a blessing that I was at home because I got put on bedrest for 10 weeks at the end of the pregnancy!  (This is the point where we decided that we would be done having children...)  When Graysen was 7 months old we decided that I would start babysitting for Libby...and it turned out that once the word got out I couldn't turn anyone down!  We ended up with 3 kids full time and 1 part time...plus our own 2!  Our lives were crazy...which brings me to this story.

On January 23rd I was considering starting back to school for nursing.  I called my Mom to talk it over with her and she finally vocalized the words that I had been avoiding for so many years.  Our lives were too crazy as it was - how could I dream of putting one more thing on top of it?!  To make a long story short, after lots of tears and a long conversation with Lincoln - we made the decision that I would OFFICIALLY become a Stay at home mom.  No more odd jobs - nothing until Graysen went to Kindergarten.  At that point I would go back to school and get a degree that would help me continue onto a career for the rest of my working years.  (Right now, I think I want to be a nurse!)  I am so excited - and we are so blessed to be able to do this with our children!  

Snow page...

You're going regret me ever learning how to use Scrapblog.com!  Here are the kids in the most recent snow fall...

The Runaway Bride

I realized something last night.  I'm kind of like Julia Roberts in "The Runaway Bride".  You know how she never really knows her own identity?  She has to actually do some soul searching to know what kind of eggs she likes?  I used to be like that.  Really sad.  Mine wasn't eggs, or clothes...mine was music.  What kind of music do I really like?  It's taken me a few years of soul searching to decide.  It seems I switched "favorites" as my boyfriends changed.  Went through a Christian / Jazz phase (boyfriend #1)  Then a Country phase. (Boyfriends #2 and 3)  Then a Kid Rock / Limp Bizkit phase (boyfriend #4)  Then rap / alternative music (Lincoln).  Now that I'm secure in myself and mature enough to make may own decisions, I have found that I like a wide variety of music.  I enjoy some of what I used to listen to with each boyfriend - I'm still a fan of Christian bands such as FFH and Mercy Me, I enjoy some Louis Armstrong once in awhile.  I like Keith Urban and Martina McBride.  I like listening to some old school Kid Rock (his original album) about once a year.  I love Angie Aparo and laugh out loud when I hear old school rap ring tones that I know all of the [horrible] words to.  I have since realized I love Whitney Houston, old school Brittany Spears, Rascal Flatts, old Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Beyonce.  

Scrapblog

My friend Chrissy introduced me to a new additction... scrapblog.com!  Holy cow!  I've always wanted to do online scrapbooking and have never been able to figure out the expensive programs..this is a free online program that is REALLY easy to use!  I'm sure I will be playing around with this forever now...and it will be a great way to share pictures on here since I'm no longer on facebook!  Here is a Halloween page I just made (in about 3 minutes!)

No more pre-made fries!

Last night I tried the Duggar's recipe for oven fries.  I have always bought the bag of pre-made frozen french fries, but we didn't have any, and I wanted some with my chicken strips.  Never again will I buy the pre-made ones!  

Pre-Made:

-  Expensive

-  Never seasoned right

- Can't re-heat

New recipe:

- Inexpensive

- Always already have ingredients

- Season to personal liking

- Re-heat awesome!  (Still crispy!)

Good Friends

God has blessed me with some wonderful friends.  I received a card in the mail today from a friend who I have only recently (within the last year or two) reconnected with.  It was exactly what I needed.  It's amazing how God sends friends and notes of encouragement at the right time.  I just woke from a much needed "escape" nap to find the card sitting on my kitchen table.  The front of the card said " May you sense the Lord's loving presence today...keeping you close to His heart, assuring you of His tender care, and covering you with His grace."  

In it she wrote:

"Ashley, know that I think of you often in this, your stressful and sad time of year...I hope you don't hesitate to ask me for any support or help...just email and know I'll listen and pray."

How perfect to hear today.  Thank you dear friend.

Funeral

Today we were urged by our pastor to get things in line for our death. We all know it's coming someday, so why not make life easier on our loved ones by having everything in line? Here are the things that I know I need to do and my progress on them.

1.  Have a burial plot:  Done.  When we got a plot for Claire we also got them for Lincoln and I.  We just picked out 3 in a row.  Claire is buried on the end, and Lincoln and I will be directly next to her.

2.  Pick out and design my headstone:  I have not done this, although I have thought a lot about it since we picked out Claire's.  I would like a joint one with Lincoln - I believe that we will have the back exactly like Claire's is.  The front I would like very simple with  our names, birth dates, death dates, and marriage date in the middle.  

3.  Decide on songs to be played at the funeral:  I'm not sure on this part, but I have been recording all of my favorite song lyrics on this blog, so hopefully my kids can flip through their books and see what my favorites were.  

4.  Decide on scripture:  I haven't done this, but I think it will be very easy for me.  It's my goal to have it picked out and recorded on this post within the next week.

5.  Have my estate taken care of:  This has not been done.  I HATE this!  Although I am well aware that it needs to be done, it seems like every time we discuss it we get busy and don't get around to getting with a lawyer to draw it all up.  It's also rather expensive.  No excuses, I know.  It's my goal to have this finalized this year.  I believe this category includes where our children are to go if we were to die at the same time, what is to happen to our material possessions, and our monetary assets.  (Ha ha, I know there's not much - but we've worked hard for what we've earned and I don't intend for the government to get it!)  We will give at least 10% to the work of the Lord...I want my children to know that even in death we love them, but we loved the Lord more.  

I hope that my family and friends know that I am already looking forward to the day that I get to go Home.  I'm sure that the last few minutes on earth may be a little scary, but in my heart I have a sense of peace and a desire to get to the place that God has prepared for me.  I can't wait to be with my family that has gone on before me and to spend my days singing at the top of my lungs worshiping God!  I hope that my funeral will be more of a celebration that I am where I truly belong rather than a sad goodbye.  We will all be re-united again someday!  If I have lived through this life after having to say goodbye to my daughter, I know that those left after me can do the same.  Be happy, worship the Lord YOUR God, smile and laugh a lot.  Welcome both the joys and sorrows...they help to form you into who you are meant to be.  Lean on God to get you through the hard times - He always will.  Make a difference in those around you and keep your eyes on the prize.  

ps - I'm aware that this is a rather morbid post.  Some may read it and think I'm out of my mind.  I simply think that death is a part of life and to ignore it is ignore reality.  I know what it's like to lose loved ones and try to pull it all together after they are gone.  Nothing prepares you for the loss...but we can make it easier on each other by having plans.  Not just plans that you tell someone, because chances are, they won't be thinking clearly enough afterward to remember what you've told them.  Write it down, put it in a safe place, and then go on with your life - happier and with less stress!    

Realization

My son is tall and getting old.  

I saw him standing at the bathroom sink today and thought he was on the stool.  

No.

He was barefoot on the ground.

How in the world is he going to turn 5 this year?

Am I going to be a good mom to a school-aged kid?

Yikes.

Small Group = Huge Support

Lincoln and I have been involved with a small group for 3 years now. We started attending one with my sister and brother in law and Britt and Nick 3 years ago and have dedicated our Wednesday nights to Small Group ever since then! We originally decided to join because Lincoln has always worked the weekend shift and we were not able to go to church together. We wanted a time to grow as a couple in the Lord and a time to worship together. The group has served that purpose and so much more. Although there have been lots of changes in the group over the last few years (including doing different studies, members, etc.), we have always looked forward to being together on Wednesday night with a group of fellow believers.

At the start of 2009 Lincoln and I decided it was time to "grow" our small group and split off from the existing one. Our "new" group has met 2 times now and I LOVE IT! I have not felt like I belonged in a group like this for a long time! We are doing a tremendous study based on the book "Cure for the Common Life" and the man who is leading the study is doing an AWESOME job! He is typing out outlines for us each week and is doing a tremendous job leading the group discussion. The group is much smaller than our past group and every one speaks each week! We all feel comfortable enough with each other to share, ask questions, and make suggestions.

I just wanted to write this blog and encourage each of you to find a group that you feel like this with. Whether it be an organized group or just a small group of friends, get together on a regular basis and I truly believe that you will see yourself flourish!

Gray's first snow

We have a ton of snow outside right now!  Okay - so, let us put that in perspective...we have about 4 inches or so (on top of ice).  That is nothing compared to my years in Alaska - but the road crews were obviously pros there...not so much the case in good old STJ!  

This is Graysen's first real snow!  We went outside today - it took us about 15 minutes to bundle Hunter, Libby, Graysen, and ourselves up - and then spent about 15 minutes outside.  :0)  Such is life.  I realized a very sad thing today - my daughter doesn't own gloves!  Her hands never reach outside of her ridiculously puffy coat, so I never saw the need for it.  I am preparing to go fix that right now when I go to Walmart grocery shopping...but this morning I had to put socks on her hands!  She didn't mind one bit!  She LOVED it outside!  She could take about 3 steps before she fell down each time, but she just laughed.  There was no frustration like we expected.  She wouldn't eat any, but sure didn't mind it all over her!  

Hunter had a great time throwing snow balls with his dad and making a snow angel.  He has had another real snows, but not for a long time, so he was super excited as well.  I hope that it lasts one more day so we can go out together again tomorrow!  

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

Somehow I have gone this many years without ever hearing this song. Don't ask me how, but I have. It's so true, so raw, so honest. Truly speaks of my heart during the few traumatic times in my life. This is amazing. It's officially added to my late night worship album! Praise God!

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than my pain
you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny so tell me
what's a little rain

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

This Week's Menu

It always helps me to read other people's weekly menu's.  Sometimes I see a  long lost favorite on there.  Sometimes I see something that sounds so delicious I just have to try it!  So...I hope this helps someone!

1.  Tortellini - most of the time we buy the frozen cheese kind.  It works as a great quick meal before a basketball game!

2.  Crock Pot Dinner - yet again - during basketball season (or any busy time in your life) we love these Crock Pot Classics.  You can find a HUGE variety in the frozen food isle.

3.  Dinner Casserole and Italian Pasta Salad - basically a rice, cheese, and broccoli casserole...I love it!

4.  Chicken a la King - something I never ate until I married Lincoln.  It's one of his favorite.  We always eat it with rice.

5.  Meatloaf and Hashbrown Casserole - A family favorite mixed with a new recipe I've yet to try!

6.  Sausage and Sauerkraut - What's better than potatoes, sausage, and sauerkraut - not a whole lot of anything!!!

7.  Spaghetti - yet another quickie (we ALWAYS eat this meal with garlic bread, corn, and milk...talk about a starchy meal)

8.  Chicken and Noodles - home made by Lincoln!  My personal favorite!

I wish I understood 4 year olds.

What I'm about to tell you might gross you out.  It might change your opinion of me as a parent.  But again, I'm writing this as a journal for my kids, so this is something I MUST record for Hunter's sake.  My Mom has always told me the story of me hiding and pooping in the closet at my Grandparent's house when I was 3 years old.  Embarrassing - yes.  Fact of life - yes.  

My time as a parent came last night.  Hunter had been acting up all evening, so he went to bed 1/2 hour earlier than he usually would.  He continued to come out of his bedroom several more times and was reprimanded every time.  We would send him back to his bed.  Finally, he came out one last time and asked me to change his PJ's.  As I'm changing them I keep smelling poop.  You guessed it.  He has pooped in his pull up!  Not like diarrhea, "didn't know it was coming until it was too late" poop - "I'm mad that you're making me go to bed" poop.  Defiant poop.   The grossest kind of all.  

So the clean up process started.  I just kept looking at him and saying "how do I clean up a 4 year old's poopy pants?!"  "Why did you do this Hunter?!!!"  It was horrible, I'll spare you the details.  I was angry.  I probably didn't handle it as best as I could have.  As I was wiping my son's boofanny with baby wipes, I said "Hunter, since you decided to act like a baby, you will go to bed like a baby tonight.  No movie.  Babies just lay down and go to sleep - and that's what you'll do tonight."  Did I think about the fact that I was making life harder on myself at that moment?  No.  Did I think about the fact that Hunter is scared of being alone and scared of the dark and that is why we let him watch a movie to fall asleep in the first place.  No.  I was mad and this was his punishment.  

So, we got him all cleaned up, and in new PJ's.  Then he laid down and we went to our room.  We sat and talked about it.  I called my Mom for advice.  Then my sister called me back.  She reminded me (being the awesome Aunt that she is) to make sure that he knows that we still love him.  So - Lincoln went in first and talked to him about it.  Got him all calmed down.  Then I went in and fixed up a night light for him in the hallway and laid with him and stroked his hair.  I told him that I still loved him as much as before.  I was simply disappointed in his decision.  We cried together.  It was a huge moment for us.  Who knew that my son would do some growing up and bonding with him mom over poopy pants?  Not me.  I wouldn't have ever guessed it.  

And yes, he did go to sleep without a movie - and without crying.  My boy is growing up...and growing up is hard to do!

No more drama

One day we're going to get rid of our TV. Wait - no, not our TV, but our cable / dish, etc. We need the TV for movies, Wii, etc. Anyway - at the initial thought I cringed. I have never been without TV! Let's face it - I'm addicted to TV right now. Mondays is Bachelor (watched online on Tuesdays), Tuesdays is Biggest Loser, Thursdays is Grey's Anatomy and America's Best Dance Crew (both watched on Friday and Sat. online), and Sunday is Extreme Home Makeover. That's a stinkin' lot of shows to watch every week! It's about 7 hours (since some of them are usually 2 hour shows). I'm aware this is a ridiculous amount of television - but...I love it!

Tonight I watched Grey's and it hit me. Why do I watch such drama???!! Like I don't have enough in my own life? Seriously? Yes...I do. I do not need anymore drama in my life. I gave up facebook (drama is only one of the reasons) and I think I can give up Grey's as well. Do I want to know why Izzie is sick (sorry if I just gave away this week's show to anyone!)? Definitely. But, I think if I skip next week's show I won't even remember to wonder. I'm making it official - I'm giving up Grey's. I might get crazy and give up Bachelor as well. Biggest Loser, Dance Crews, and Home Makeover I'll keep because we watch them as a family. The others - just stupid extra drama in my life. I'm so over that added stress!

Anyway - to bring an end to a random, really crazy blog post - I don't think I'll miss TV when we give it up completely. The quiet just might be welcome!

Dear God

Dear God,

Please give me the energy that I need to to meet the needs of those around me.  Please help me to be less selfish.  Please fill me with your love so that it overflows onto my children.  

Love,

Ashley

My list of accomplishments

Our homework for our small group this week was to make a list of things we have accomplished in our life that we are proud of. Things that we have done that we felt good about. Things we felt natural while doing.  So...what better place to keep my list then right here?!

1. Giving birth to Hunter naturally. I had my mind set on doing it and I was able to accomplish it. It felt good to know that I was doing what I believed was best for my child. It was great to set my mind to something and to find the strength in my own body to accomplish it. It was something that I did with my own will, and no one else helped me.

2. Planning my children's birthday parties. I've done it 5 times now (4 for Hunter and 1 for Graysen), and I have loved the process and outcome of every single event. I really enjoy seeing a day be all about 1 person - especially my child!

3. Loving my kids. Although I readily admit to not always having all the answers about raising my children I do feel like I have always had the natural instinct to love them. The unconditional love that I am assured (and I hope that they are as well) that NO MATTER what they do I will always love them. Nothing in the world can change that. It wouldn't matter if they committed murder, chose a lifestyle that I don't agree with, or decided to never speak to me again; I know without a shadow of a doubt, I will love them as much then as I do today.

4.  Nursing.  (I'm seeing that all of my accomplishments have to do with my children...)  I feel so strongly about this subject and I had to work hard to succeed.  Again - the best parts of it were the accomplishment of doing what I believe is best for my children, the fact that I overcame several "road blocks", and the bonding that occurred during the many long hours!

5.  Finally forgiving my Dad for leaving my family.  And...continuing to forgive every time he hurts my mom, sister, and I.  I lived with anger, resentment, and guilt for so many years that it was a huge accomplishment to move past that and let go of all of the negative feelings.  

6.  Dancing when I was young.  I loved my hours of dance every night.  I always danced with people who were several years older than me giving me the idea that I was fairly good.  

7.  Singing in Girls 6 and Mixed 8 in High School.  I always greatly enjoyed the time with these people and hearing the our voices together.  

Hopefully I'll be able to think of more and add to this list before Wednesday!  :0)

Personal God

When I was in Chicago my girlfriends and I had an awesome conversation about religion and God. I am still (a month later) in awe at how much I learned during that conversation. Not only did I learn a lot about each girl's religious views, I learned a lot about our God.

I was amazed at the fact that although two of us are Catholic, and two of us were raised Baptist and currently attend the same Christian Church, we all four had different views and beliefs - on God and our religion. Each person had a different idea about being saved, the importance of attending church services, the definition of sin, and communion. I found it so very interesting that although we all four love and serve the same God, we had such varied thoughts.

I stand in amazement at our God and how personal He is. How He wants a personal relationship with each one of us and how that plays out in our every day lives. I'm so blessed that He thinks enough of me to wait patiently for me to come to Him each day.

Super Duper Sunday

Today was a Super Duper Sunday! Here are a few of the reasons why:

1. Lincoln was off work - which meant that I finally got to feel what it would be like to be a normal family and have the weekend off together.

2. My Grandma went to church with us. I so enjoyed having her sitting next to me during the service and afterward she said "I see why you guys want to go to that church! I really enjoyed the sermon and it is full of people your age!"

3. I got to see Ally and Mya be dedicated. I believe that dedicating your life to raise your children in a Christian household is so important and special. Britt and Nick have been gracious enough to be there to support Lincoln and I both times we dedicated our children, and it was very special to me to be there to support them as well.

4.  I was able to worship this morning.  We sang two of my favorite songs "Breathe" by Michael W. Smith and "Your Grace is Enough" by Chris Tomlin.  I have been able to let go of the stress the last two days and it was so nice to have nothing else to think about during worship time this morning.  The days when I am able to let go of everything else and truly sing to the Lord  are the best days.

5.  After we got home from lunch we had "Redburn Family Rest Time"! It was a wonderfully quiet few hours in my home when Graysen and Lincoln were napping, Hunter was watching a few of his favorite shows, and I got to finish up laundry, blog, and take some mental health time for myself.

6.  After church I put on Lincoln's sweatshirt from yesterday, so it smelled like his cologne.  I love wearing his big oversized sweatshirts (especially when they smell like him) and jeans!

7.  I got to take a bath and watch part of the "Very Duggar Wedding" Special on TV.    

Recipes from the Duggars!

Here are some of my favorite recipes from The Duggar's book, 20 and counting:

1. Poor Man's Pizza - preheat oven to 450. Lay out slices of bread, spread spaghetti sauce to the edges, sprinkle on shredded cheese. Bake for 5-10 minutes.

2. BBQ Tuna - drain tuna and add LOTS of BBQ Sauce on - spread on buns, bread, or crackers!

3. Layered Ice Cream Cake - In a 9x13 pan layer the following:
1st layer: 12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd layer: half of a container of cool whip
3rd layer: 1 king sized Butterfinger chopped, half of a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup, half of a squeeze bottle of caramel topping
4th layer: 12 more ice cream sandwiches
5th layer: Other half of the Cool Whip
6th layer: Repeat 3rd layer

Freeze and eat!

4. Hash-Brown Casserole - Preheat oven to 350. Crush 3 cups of corn flakes in a plastic bag and pour 1/2 stick melted butter in and shake. Mix 2 cans of cream of chicken soup, 1/2 cup of whipping cream, 2 tea. onion powder, pinch of salt, and 1/2 tea. of pepper together. Spray two 9x13 pans with oil. Layer each pan as follows: 1/2 a (32 oz) bag of frozen hash browns, soup mixture, shredded cheddar cheese. Repeat layers. Top each casserole with the crushed corn flakes. Bake 45 minutes. Serves 20.

5. Oven fries - Preheat to 450. Cut potato into quarters lengthwise. Rub potato with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Sprinkle on the seasoning of your choice (they recommend garlic powder, salt and pepper, or chili powder). Lay on baking sheet - bake for 20 minutes until golden brown and fork tender.

Life is not a fairy tale

Life is not a fairy tale. Sure, boy and girl meet, they fall in love, they get married, and they have babies. I'm one of these people. From the outside, my life may look like a fairy tale. I started dating my husband my senior year of HS, he was my senior prom date. We got married, moved back to our home town, had a baby, bought a house, he works, I stay home. Sounds picture perfect right? At times, it is. At others, it's a nightmare. We had lots of major issues before we got to the marriage point. We had to work for our relationship. We had to fight for it. We had to overcome disapproving friends and family. We had to compromise on a lot of things. We had our break ups, we always decided it was better together than apart. We had our son first - it was great, we were in Heaven...until we were both sleep deprived and Hunter wouldn't lay down without crying. Until we couldn't go out with our friends doing something spectacularly fun for the first time because we had a responsibility to be home with our child. That's when reality sets in. When the bills come in and there isn't enough money to pay them all. When you have a child die. When you have to work such long hours that you don't even lay eyes on your child for 3 days because every time you're home they are sleeping...and the spouse at home has to deal with the child who bursts into tears because they see a picture of you and miss you. These are the real parts of life.

What brings me to this rampage you ask? I just watched the Notebook. Movies like that make me mad. I will do everything in my power to make sure Gray does not watch such silliness. It sets girls up with totally unrealistic expectations of love and life.

If you are the mother of a daughter - please make sure she knows that is NOT how real life is. I think it will save a lot of heartache.