Confession

Sometimes I suck at life.

Luckily I have a husband who loves me anyway...

me: "I quit"
husband: "no, you don't"
me: "you want to bet?"
husband: "we can't quit"
me: "and why not?"
husband: "because then we would be like most American parents and we're not like them."

Thanks for encouraging me when I'm at my very lowest honey...again, you're the best!

We Did Zumba...and we LOVED it!

Last night was the free Zumba Class! It was awesome! Megan, Sarah, and I all taught and I felt like it went pretty smoothly. We had 60 women show up! It was truely like a party in there, with the lights low, and the colored lights going! There were lots of people that I knew, some I didn't. Women of all ages, colors, shapes, sizes, etc. Man, did we work out! I'm pretty sure I was sweating by the 3rd song (the class was 13 songs long...)! After the class I had the chance to visit with lots of different women, and I think the overwhelming majority had a good time! I think they enjoyed the work out, enjoyed the company of the other women, and would like to do it again! Yea!

We are starting a summer session - 8 weeks, every Monday from 7-8 p.m. at The Dance Studio starting July 13th. If you missed out on last night's fun, or were there and didn't sign up for the Summer Session and are wanting to do it, let me know, I'll get you the registration form!

ps - We're going to try to have a free class before the start of every session...so if you are too busy this summer, watch for the next kick off before the Fall Session! :0)

"Remember, whatever you focus upon, increases.”

- The Noticer

Very true of all things in life. If I focus on things I want, the things I want increase. If I focus on the things I love, the things I love increase. If I focus on the work I have to do, the work I have to do increases. If I focus on heavenly things, heavenly things increase.

It's amazing how this principle works...

Book Review: The Noticer

I recently signed up to be a Book Review Blogger for thomasnelson.com Here is my first official Book Review for their website!

I finished reading "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews this afternoon. Subtitled "Sometimes all a person needs is a little perspective", this book is all about, well, perspective. I've never read any of Andy Andrews others books, so I can not compare this work to any of his past works. This is a book that I would suggest for anyone who wants a fairly quick, easy read. Although the concepts and "perspectives" in this book can be pondered for hours at a time, this book uses very simply vocabulary. One of my favorite aspects of a book that I felt like this lacked was beautiful descriptions of the people and places that make up the setting of the story. I love to find my mind playing a book out like a movie in my head, being able to see, smell, and taste the excitement happening in the story, but unfortunately that never did happen for me in "The Noticer".

I felt like this book was almost a collection of short stories, all sharing the same main character. Each chapter was the story of a mysterious man who helped a different person during a rough point in their lives. Although it was the same mysterious man, there were very few other overlapping characters throughout the book. One chapter toward the end was almost verbatium a chapter earlier in the book, at which point I found myself more skimming the story rather than reading because I had just read it yesterday!

"Jones", the mystery man seems to me to be in the likings of Jesus...popping up, sometimes speaking to large crowds, other times to invidiuals. When he speaks everyone listens, even when their logical mind is telling them not to. They always hear what he has to say, they always understand, and they always make a life change. I felt like the story had several good quotes...here are a few of my favorites:

"A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination—our next target. But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope. It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life’s next peak."

"Remember, whatever you focus upon, increases.”

"I say to you that, as you lay your head down tonight, you are sleeping on fertile ground. Think. Learn. Pray. Plan. Dream. For soon . . . you will become.”

"The Noticer" is full of great concepts to ponder. Some I had heard in the past, others were new to me. Again, if you're looking for an easy, quick read that won't bore you out of your mind, this is a good one. It's a great, light hearted, encouraging story.

"A view just gives us a glimpse of our next destination—our next target. But to hit that target, we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope. It is in the valley that we slog through the lush grass and rich soil, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life’s next peak."

- The Noticer


This quote was very inspiring to me. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to just sit at the mountain top closer to God all the time. But in reality, is God on the mountain tops, or is He there, sloging through the lush grass and rich soil with us? I think He's just with us all the time, up and down all of our mountains in life. Whew...I'm pretty sure all that mountain climbing would WEAR ME OUT if I didn't have such a good climbing partner!

We love summer animals!

Our family is having so much fun this summer observing God's animals all around us. I wish I had gotten pictures of the kids with all of these animals, but unfortunately I have misplaced my camera and have not. Hunter did have a lot of fun picking out these pictures for you though!


Bunnies. We have 3 that I think must live in the field behind our house. Hunter has been spending hours (literally) at a time chasing them around the yard. He says that he is going to catch one so we can "bake" it...I sincerly hope he really doesn't ever catch one! I think he gets closer every day though...I think the bunnies are getting used to him and aren't so afraid anymore.


Deer. We saw three deer one evening behind our house in the field and near the edge of the woods. One had nice antlers on him, and the other two did not. Hunter and Lincoln snuck out in the back yard and sat by the shed and watched them for quite a while...the deer were graceful.


Toads. Hunter actually caught one of these lovely animals at my mom's house and we decided to let him bring it home. We put it in an open container and what do you know, the little guy escaped in the car on the way home! :0) It hopped in the front floorboard, so of course I "calmly" and very promtly pulled over and got out. Hunter caught him again, we made it the rest of the way home, and then ... he died.

Turtles. The kids love it when we find a turtle in our yard. Graysen still isn't sure enough to touch them, but definitely gets mad when they try to walk away. We have found that they love to live in the landscaping at GG's house, so we can pretty much find one any time we want!


Lizards. Hunter is obsessed with the possiblity of having a lizard as a pet and is determined to catch one so he can keep it. He has tried catching them with his bare hands, with gloves on, with a net, with a box...just about any way he can think of. He has found them out at Cardetti cabin and at GG's house.



Worms. Live ones, dead ones, doesn't really matter...they are an obsession of Hunter's. He can spend an unheard of amount of time digging in the dirt seeing how many of these little guys he can find. We've had fun sorting them by thickness, length, and color.



Grasshopppers. Talk about a fun activity...watching my kids running and jumping all over the yard after these guys is a crack up!!



Lightening Bugs. Hunter caught some the other night for the first time. I felt bad that I didn't introduce him to them...a neighbor did, but none the less, he had fun catching them!



Blue Birds. We love to listen to the birds sing and see them fluttering around in our big tree. There are all kinds of birds in our yard, but Hunter especially loves seeing the bright blue ones.


We hope you are getting out and enjoying the beauty that God created for us all around you as well!

*Since writing this post I have found my camera and hope to bring you all some pictures of my KIDS and the animals soon!

What God Can Do

When we depend upon organizations, we get what organizations can do;
when we depend upon education, we get what education can do;
when we depend upon man, we get what man can do;
BUT
when we depend upon prayer, we get what God can do.

This is the new moto of the Redburn home. Hope you'll join us in prayer.

Donations

Here is the list of needs for the orphanage that our baby(ies) will be at. If any of you would like to donate any of these items please let me know and I will come pick them up from you! The clothing / toy items do not have to be new. Gently used items will be like new to these kids! We will be taking a few suitcases full of donations with us when we travel. Yes, I'm aware that's a long time from now, but the earlier we start the more we will be able to gather to take with us right?!

Baby Needs

Kirkland brand baby formula from Costco

Gerber Baby Rice cereal

A & D diaper cream

Lotrimin AF for serious diaper rash

Liquid hand sanitizer

Liquid soap

Individual foldable diaper pads (First Year brand)

Clothing

Cloth diapers

Disposable diapers, small sizes

Plastic diaper covers, (prefer Burpee Diapers covers, more expensive but last longer)

One piece stretch outfits, sleepers, onsies, socks, and baby caps

Receiving blankets

Light weight quilts

Baby wash cloths

Baby bottles and nipples

Vitamin drops

For Older Children

Clothing

Shoes, preferably sport shoes or running shoes for ages 5 to 14

Pants, boys and girls, slacks, jogging pants, for ages 3 to 14

T-shirts and shirts, all sizes

Sweat shirts and sweaters, all sizes

Pajamas, all sizes

Socks and underwear, all sizes including small size bras

Dresses, all sizes

Toys, crafts and school supplies

Tennis and soccer balls

whiffle baseballs

marbles, jacks

skipping ropes

checkers and other simple board games

playing cards

building toys such a legos and Lincoln logs

toddler toys including puzzles and books

baby rattles

dolls

trucks of all sizes

plastic play food

picture books

puzzles

family oriented DVDs

chalk

glitter

sequins

yarn

crochet hooks and knitting needles

white glue

glue sticks

good quality scissors

pencils and pens

Personal care items

Deodorant for older boys and girls

Strong combs

Hair clips and bands

Feminine hygiene items

Tooth brushes and tooth paste

Chewable vitamins

The best life partner

This man is the best life partner I could ask for. He shows me love when I'm insecure, compassion when I'm upset, grace when I've screwed up. I am so thankful that I have a husband who encourages me to go to God when we're not sure about something in our lives. I am grateful that he is open to listen and talk to me anytime I need it. God has blessed me with an awesome husband, and I thank Him for that every day!

It's off...

Man...It's hard for me to put into words what it felt like to mail off our Dossier today. I had butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes. I think the lady at Fed Ex thought I might be crazy! I was pretty much a basket case! :0) I think it's a feeling that you can only know when you do it. (I hope lots more of you out there experience it!!!)

I took a picture of Hunter waving to his baby brother...it's like we're finally, really, on our way.

We love you baby!

update: Our Dossier left the Rolla Fed Ex location at 7:11 p.m. today...our tracking says "on schedule, in transit"!

update (10:05 a.m on 6-27-09): Our Dossier is at the "Dest Sort Facility in Seattle, WA"!!!

update (1:33 p.m. on 6-27-09): Our Dossier is at "Fed Ex Destination Facility in Port Angeles, WA"!!!!

update (8:38 a.m. on 6-29-09): Our Dossier is "On Fed Ex Vehicle for Delivery"!!

Simple Part of Marriage

So often I view marriage as a very hard thing. Something that must be constantly worked on to achieve the best results. I hardly ever think of anything dealing with it as simple. But a few nights ago, as Lincoln and I decided on Chinese for dinner and I didn't have to ask him where to get the Chinese from, or what he wanted to eat, I smiled. I like knowing my husband so well. I like knowing that we both like Lucky House much better than any of the other Chinese restaurants in Rolla.

So, as I drove to Lucky House knowing that I was going to order a large order of Chicken Fried Rice for Lincoln and the kids, a small order to Kun Pau Chicken for me, and an extra order of Crab Rangoon for us all to share, I thanked God for always providing some simplicity to a complicated issue.

NO!

Yet another milestone in Graysen's life. "No!" Our first defiant "No!". She's been saying it for awhile, but never as defiantly as she did Monday morning.

(side note: we never used the word "no" with Hunter when he was young, we replaced it with other, less negative words / phrases, but as he's gotten older we've started using it, and apparently Graysen has caught on!)

Graysen is the Queen of Dumping. It doesn't matter what it is...a bucket of toys, cereal boxes, bowls of snacks, trash bags. This morning she dumped a bowl of animal crackers on the living room floor.

Me: Oh no Graysen! We can't dump the crackers on the floor, pick them up please.

Graysen: NO!

Me: What?! Graysen, Mommy asked you to please pick up the animal crackers and put them back in the bowl.

Graysen: No!

Me: Come on Graysen, watch Mommy...clean up, clean up (as I started picking up the crackers and putting them back in the bowl)

Graysen: (as she starts picking up and putting them in the bowl with me) NO, NO, NO, NO.

Wow! I didn't think we'd come to this day so soon...18 months old! Yikes! I guess that's another difference between boys and girls!

Q&A - Gifts

The following questions were presented to me: What is the best and worst thing you registered for for your wedding? What is the oddest present you've ever received? What is the best present you've ever given?

Let me start by saying that I am not really a fan of gifts. Well, maybe that's not the best way of saying it. I enjoy getting gifts...but I MOST enjoy the gifts that I have specifically requested and are "aware" that I'll be receiving. I am not a good gift receiver. I really don't enjoy opening gifts in front of people, especially not when all eyes are on me! I feel so much pressure to react the "perfect" way. I'm desperately afraid of offending someone with my reaction to their gift. It's not that I'm ever unappreciative, but I am a rather "practical" person when it comes to gifts, so a new Coach purse is going to throw me into a very uncomfortable spot, where as a new set of pots and pans that I asked for is wonderful! Maybe I feel this way because I am also deathly afraid of purchasing gifts for people. I always want to know EXACTLY what you want before I buy something. I don't want to buy the wrong thing, or something that you won't use. Christmas is HUGE stress-or for me. All of those gifts to buy, and then on the day that is supposed to be a happy, family day, all of those gifts to open...in front of the givers! Yikes!

That being said, I don't remember many gifts...I know, that makes me sound (and feel) very unappreciative. I'm not though, please believe me!!! It's been over 5 years since we registered for our wedding gifts, so I REALLY am having a hard time recalling what we registered for! While we were registering at Cardetti's Lincoln picked out this UGLY brown throw blanket. I hated it when he picked it out, and I still hate the looks of it, BUT it has proved to be one of the most used, most comfortable, most cozy blankets that we own! We keep it hidden in the laundry room until we're ready to use it each time...that's how ugly it is! :0) We also registered for our coffee table, which we just recently put back in our living room! We took it out when Hunter started to walk because he was always falling and hitting his head on the corners. We love this piece of furniture!

As far as oddest gift received, I think I would have to say it was a video tape that Lincoln's grandparents gave all of us kids for Christmas one year. All the other siblings got the original video in the case and wrapped from the store. Lincoln and I got a copy of it on a VHS tape. I'm really not sure what the best gift I've ever given anyone...Lincoln tells me it is our children, so maybe that's true, maybe our kids are the best gift I've ever given anyone!

My Current To Do List

• Contact the Dance Team Coach about the Pampered Chef Fundraiser
• Plan Menu for Mom's Pampered Chef Party
• Call Jennifer for any last minute suggestions
• Start on Grants / Loan Applications
• Set date for Zumba Fundraiser / secure gym
• Take pictures of all jewelry / set up Etsy shop
• Design Africa / Adoption T-shirts
• Find Baby sitter for Tue. the 30th
• Schedule Pedicure apts. for Tue. the 30th
• Price Flights to TX for Lincoln
• Practice Zumba routine

Looks rather different than a few weeks ago huh?! 

:0)  :0)  :0)  :0)  :0)

Appreciate your spouse.  God often sends us out in pairs.  As I am reading "Captivating", I am learning so much more about Adam and Eve.  I am realizing that God truly did intend for us to be a part of a pair.  Today, I encourage you to appreciate your spouse.  Tell him, show him, love him.  

Two people can accomplish more than twice as much as one; they get a better return for their labor.  Ecclesiastes 4:9

Paper Chase is OVER!

Good news everyone!

The paper chase is officially over.  AAI called this morning (my heart skipped a beat and my stomach got sick when I saw their name on my caller ID...I can't IMAGINE what it's going to be like when we're actually waiting for a referral!) and told me that our home study is approved AND our POA was sent to Washington DC on 6-9-09...so basically, we just have to send in the Dossier and WE'RE DONE!  Yea!  

I am planning to go to Fed Ex today or tomorrow and get it mailed off!  Yippy!

Life Lesson #2

You have to begin somewhere.

The beginning is hard, but you must begin somewhere!  We are at the beginning on this amazing journey and it is so exciting!  We've had some opposition, and surprisingly, I understand.  

To us, this all boils down to the fact that sometimes God acts as a servant in your life, and sometimes He acts as Master.  That is, if you let Him.  

God has been a servant in our lives SO many times already.  He is the one who has gotten us through all of the difficult times...my father leaving my family, a young marriage, our miscarriage, and the death of our daughter just to name a few.  He has been a faithful servant during those times, never leaving our side, always providing us with exactly what we needed, whether through others, scripture, or inner peace.

Now is the time for Him to be Master.  We know that God is calling us to this "mission field".  We must obey.  Is this something that we would willingly take on in our lives right now?  No way!  Let's look at the reality of this.  1.  We are agreeing to raise and love a child we have never laid eyes on.  We don't know anything about this child's background, medical situation, or genes...but we know that we will love him just the same, no matter what.  2.  We are bringing an African child across the world to live in small town USA.  How many Africans (or even African-Americans) do we have living in STJ?!  3.  We do not have the finances to do this.  We are being forced to trust that God will show us ways to rearrange our lifestyle in order to free up more money and provide for us in ways that we can't for ourselves.  

You have to begin somewhere in every journey and we are at the start of ours.  We are also at the beginning of a great journey with God - hope you are too!

Don't let anyone think less of you because you are young.  Be an example to all believers in what you teach, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity.  1 Timothy 4:12

My biggest life lesson

I am a planner.  This is no secret.  I like to have a schedule.  I live by my calendar.  Lincoln and I have always had a plan for our lives.  Here are just a few examples of how God plans otherwise...

We planned to get engaged at Christmas '03 and get married August 7th '04.  

We found out we were expecting Hunter Dec. 12 '03, got married Feb. 28 '04 and had Hunter 2 days before our original wedding date.  

We planned to wait a year before starting to try for a baby.

We didn't try at all...and only had 5.5 months before Hunter was born.

We planned to have our children 2 years apart.

We got pregnant when Hunter was 8 months old and miscarried.  Then we got pregnant again "on time" and our daughter died.  Then we had to wait 18 months to get pregnant again, so our children are a little more than 3 years apart.

We planned to have 3-4 biological children.

We are adopting a child/ren from Ethiopia.

We never planned to have a child die before us.

God has taught us so many lessons through Claire's death.  We are much better people, spouses, and parents then we were before.

We never planned to live in St. James after we got married.

Here we are, and here we'll stay...

I would encourage you to not get your heart set on your life plans.  Rather, listen to God and His callings.  Go when He says go, and stay when He says stay.  God will never leave your side, even when you don't think you want Him there.  God has a plan for your life, and it's so much better than yours...if you'll just listen.  

Gray

ooohhh, I am so in love with my daughter!  She is already one of my best friends and hugs and kisses from her are like nothing else in the whole world.  I pray that she will always have the smile, squeal, and hug for me when I've been gone for a few hours like she did tonight when I picked her up. 

 I love you more than life itself Graysen, please always know that. 

Really...LET'S ZUMBA!

Alright, let's quit talking about it and DO IT!  :0)  Here is your chance to try Zumba (since I've been raving about it for almost a week now) FREE!  

Who:  Everyone you know!  Zumba is for men and women, young adults - grandparents!  There are no requirements...you don't have to be in shape, and you don't have to know how to dance!  All you have to do is be ready for some fun!

  

What:  A FREE Zumba Class!  We are going to start offering Zumba at The Dance Studio (where I currently teach) and to kick it off we are offering a one-time, hour long, FREE Zumba Class!  

Where:  Eugene Northern Community Hall in Rolla, Mo (400 W. 4th Street, Rolla)

When:  June 29th from 7-8 p.m.

Why:  Because it's going to be a blast!  This is what you've been looking for!  It's a great way to get /stay in shape without feeling like you're working out.  On average people burn 700 calories in each hour long class!  (Do your research...that's a lot of calories for an hour!)  

If you have any other questions please let me know!  I hope to see you all there...and bring a friend!  :0)

Thankful

Things I am thankful for today include, but are not limited to:

• My husband working 7 days a week so that we can afford for me to stay at home with our children.
• My husband allowing me to keep my job teaching dance even though it does not pay much, and I often put in much longer hours than I get paid for.
• My kids, who the Lord renews my heart, mind, love, desire, and patience for every day.
• Zumba, which I really believe is going to start a life change for me.  I honestly believe that Zumba is going to inspire a physical and mental overhaul in my life. 
• The Go Fish Guys who make music that both my children and I love to listen to daily.
• My house which I am slowly making into the home that I have always desired.
• God laying issues so heavy on my heart that there is no way for me to ignore them.  Sometimes I'm rather slow and God knows how to make me listen.
• A sister who loves my kids as her own and sacrifices for them often.
• For vehicles that are paid for.
• For friends who will listen to me talk about subjects they are not in the least bit interested in and actually ask the question to begin with.  
• For my child's birth family.
• For God's word that provides me with living instructions on issues that I'm confused about.
• For awesome authors who provide me with encouragement or an escape from reality when I need it.
• For a mom who loves about my kids so much that she calls from her honeymoon to check on their doctor appointments.
• For regularly scheduled dates with other moms.  
• For thunderstorms that encourage my kids to sleep in late!
• For my blog, a place to release and rejuvenate.  

Captivating Update

I'm serious people...if you haven't gone out and gotten a copy of "Captivating" to read yet...DO IT NOW!  

I could copy pages and pages of this book to my blog to share with you all, but I would much rather you read it yourself.  A few nights ago I started the book over again, this time with a highlighter in my hand.  I am highlighting everything that seems extremely powerful to me.  Anything that hits my life right now.  I am planning on writing Graysen a letter when I'm done with the book and saving it and my highlighted copy of the book for her 21st birthday.  

I normally fly through books, but I honestly can't make it through more than 1 chapter a night because I'm soaking it all in so deeply.  

Please read it.  The chances of it changing your life are huge...

Slowing Down

I have a feeling posts on this blog are going to start slowing down.  We are nearly done with our Dossier.  Actually, we are waiting on our home study to be approved by our Placing Agency and once that is done our Dossier and our I-600A will go in.  After our Dossier is sent in we will be on the waiting list and then there is LITERALLY nothing to do...but wait.  Waiting to me is pretty boring, so therefore, there won't be much to post.  

When I say waiting, I mean like 3-6 months of waiting!  

I will continue to update you all on our fundraising efforts...we've got some fun things in the works, but nothing definite enough to post on here yet!  :0)  

I will post after each monthly update (we are encouraged to call or email our agency on the monthly anniversary of our DTE to get updates on the process), so I'll let you know what we learn there.

My only request...please don't ask if we are "still doing that adoption thing".  Yes, we ARE doing the adoption thing.  Although I know there's no belly for you all to look at, we are moving along in the process, even when there is nothing to report.  You asking me if we're "still doing the adoption" is like me asking a pregnant person if they are "still doing that pregnancy thing".  Once it's started, it's kind of a done deal.  This adoption is something that we've dreamed about since before we even got married.  It's something that God has laid on our hearts and we are going to do...it's not just an idea that we're tossing around or something that we're working on intermittently.  

Thanks for understanding...sometimes emotions run high - trust me, I wish I had a physical symptom that you all could see as well...but the only physical symptom that I have is an aching heart, ready to bring home our baby(ies), and I just don't want to snap at you!  :0)

Zumba!

Today is day 3 (in a row) of doing Zumba...I sure wish someone would come over and Zumba with me, so I didn't have to have a dance party by myself everyday!  :0)

Boys and their toys...

Ah, boys and their toys.  I've always heard the phrase but never really experienced this to be true with Lincoln...until tonight.  Most evenings we take a family walk.  Let me rephrase that...it used to be a family walk.  Then it turned into a family walk while Hunter rides his bike.  In March, Hunter got Lincoln a bike for his birthday.  So, now it's a Mommy and Graysen walk and Hunter and Daddy bike ride.  

Tonight I just watched Lincoln ride his bike along side Hunter and thought to myself, wow...they are acting about the same age!  The only difference was that Lincoln was bouncing his bike, popping wheelies, jumping up and down off of curbs etc.  Hunter was in awe and praising his Dad's every move.

I've honestly never seen Lincoln act on a piece of equipment the way he did tonight.  I commented that he was acting like he was 10 and he totally agreed..."it just makes me feel that way" was his response!  :0)  

I would like to say I've never been so "childish", but if I were honest, I guess you can compare it to the way I was acting and feeling when I stepped foot into the American Girl Doll Store in Chicago this past December!  

ps - did I mention that I LOVE to Zumba?!

Who wants to ZUMBA?!

EVERYBODY ZUMBA!!!

Yesterday I became certified to be a Zumba instructor!  It was an awesome day!  I love to Zumba! Those of you who know me well know that I do not like to exercise.  I don't like to sweat.  I don't like fitness classes...but I LOVE TO ZUMBA!  (I know, I keep saying it!)  

If you don't know what Zumba is watch this:

You don't have to have a dance background. You don't have to have a fitness background. You just have to love music and dancing! The classes really are like a dance party! There are no corrections, there is no "right or wrong way" to do it! It's all about getting together, dancing your heart out, and getting in shape! Did you know that people burn between 500 and 1000 calories during each hour long Zumba class! On average that 750 calories! Speed walking for an hour burns on average 400 calories...

I really feel like this is a wonderful opportunity for this community. I think it's going to make Mom's feel sexy and good about themselves again. I think it's a great date night for couples.

Zumba is going to be offered at The Dance Studio at least 2 nights a week starting in September and we are going to have a week long (1 hour each night) Zumba Camp in July! I hope everyone will come and have a great time! Every class is going to be high energy, action packed, and FUN! If you would like more information on the camp leave me a comment with your mailing address and I'll make sure you get information!

Q&A - Claire

Question:  What do you think it will be like to meet Claire in heaven?  

Wow.  What an awesome day that is going to be!  I like to dream about it often, although I have NO CLUE what it will really be like when I get to Heaven.  I go back and forth between thinking that Claire will be a baby (beautiful and fully formed like her soul was at birth), or a little girl about like Graysen is right now (18 months), or an adult - however many years since her passing.  Depending on how I'm feeling at the time, my visions are different.  I can imagine myself finally being able to rock and cuddle her.  I can imagine myself being able to kiss her chubby cheeks and be pulled around by my finger.  I can imagine myself walking and talking with her.  I can imagine her showing me around Heaven and telling me about all the wonderful things she has experienced since being there.  I never doubt that she will immediately know me and will be waiting for me at The Gates.  I never doubt that we will have the mother / daughter bond that I have with Graysen.  It will be awesome...that's all I know!

Question:  How often do you visit her grave, and why... is there any significant ritual you have, anniversary visit, etc?

After Claire passed away I visited her grave every day.  I remember a few days that I skipped going there because of the weather and the extreme guilt that I felt.  I thought she needed me there...she needed her mommy and since that's where she was, I was to be there as well.  I took toys out and let Hunter run around and play as I sat on the ground leaning up against the headstone praying and talking to her.  Looking back I realize how unhealthy this behavior and thought process was, but when you are living the nightmare of losing a child you don't think straight.  I don't remember exactly when I came to the realization that I wasn't doing anyone any good being in the cemetery that much.  I was forcing myself to "re-live" my loss day after day, never allowing myself to continue my life and become a good wife and mother again.  Now I slowly drive by about once a week, just when I'm out running errands.  I stop and sit for awhile about once a month.  I never go between the date that we found out that she had anencephaly and her birthday.  I always go on her birthday and take her pink balloons, one for every year.  I also have her flowers re-done twice a year...usually in August and February.  Aside from that, I generally just stop by when I have some extra time or when Hunter and I get to talking about her.  I want my kids here to grow up comfortable in the cemetery.  I want them to understand that it's a good place to go and honor those who have gone before us, but it's not where they are.  I want them to view a cemetary as a place for those of us left behind.  Our loved ones are gone and doing so much better than we are!  :0)  It's honestly a place I go now when I need to feel closer to God.  A place I can escape when I need some quiet time to meditate.  

What Bonds You?

Parent / child bonding is a highly controversial topic these days.  I do not want this post to become the start of a controversy, but rather just an expression of what I feel on the topic.  

I've been doing lots of research on Parent / Child bonding due to our adoption.  I have always felt that my bonding with my children began to happen in the womb.  Since I will not only lose out on that time with my newest child, but months afterward, I was a bit disturbed with this dilemma.  

I have read TONS of information about bonding in adoption blogs, handouts from our agency, books, and websites.  All of the information has been helpful in helping me to decide how I become bonded with my children.  Although I have not agreed with everything I have read, I do feel at peace with the fact that we will in fact be able to bond just as strongly to our newest child/children as the ones that I have given birth to.  

Yes, part of the bonding for me does happen in the womb.  I love the fact that I am the sole person responsible for growing my baby (obviously, God is responsible, but He chose my body to grow them in).  I pride myself in taking great care of my body for my baby during those 9 months.  I am the only one who knows when they are awake or asleep, active or resting.  

But that's not where the bonding stops.  

I am not completely bonded with my children the moment they are born.  For me, much more of the bonding happens after they are born.  Skin to Skin contact is a biggie for me.  Learning my baby's smell, holding them up against my chest...these are some of the things that bond me to them.  Knowing that they are dependent on me for the basic necessities of life.  Clothing, love, food.  Learning their personalities and their cries.  Being able to interpret their first words that no one else can understand.  Comforting them when they have bad dreams in the middle of the night.  Teaching them to pray.  

These are the things that bond me to my children.

Moms out there - what bonds you to your children?  

Q&A - dating

Question:  Do you think it was beneficial for you and Lincoln date other people before you got married?

In a word:  Yes.

I asked Lincoln what he thought...he agreed.  Yes.  Why?  Here are our top 3 reasons:

• Because we are now able to put our situations in perspective and know how "good we have it".  We would never know how lucky we are to have each other had we never experienced a relationship with anyone else. 
• It helps to smother that "is the grass greener somewhere else" question.  When times get tough (and they always will), we are able to be confident in the fact that we picked our spouse for a reason, and we know that we are happier with them than any other person.
• We were secure in several "must have's" before we entered into our relationship.  I knew mostly what I was and was not willing to accept from a mate and so did Lincoln.  We had both had one serious relationship and several "dating" relationships, so we had put up with, and been stepped on enough to know what we expected.  

On the flip side, I can see how it would be awesome to marry your first boyfriend.  You are each other's "first" everything!  How nice it would be to not have to compare yourself with anyone else.  How nice to know without a doubt that YOU were the one they saw that movie with, not some other girl - lol!  How nice to mature together and know first hand who your spouse was early on in their teenage years.  

Either way, I think the most important thing is that you are able to take YOUR life, YOUR situation, and YOUR marriage and live it to the fullest.  

Captivated

"Captivating:  Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul"

It's a must read...I'm on page 20 and have already laughed, smiled, cried, and pondered...

I'm sure there will be many posts coming soon based on the thoughts sparked by this awesome book!  

For now - go out and buy it - and read it - NOW!  

A Blast From the Past

Last night I saw someone very close to one of my "Blasts From the Past".  I hadn't seen her in at least 3 years.  She looks great, seems great...  We talked about her life, my life, but no farther than that.  As I walked out of the business where I saw her my mind started to wonder...  Oddly enough, I didn't ponder the "BFTP", but rather his family.  I haven't seen or talked to his parents in probably 8 years.  What ever happened to his brother?  I thought about going back and talking to her again, expressing my interested in them...but decided it was definitely not appropriate.    

Is this odd?    

What are your reactions when you run into something that triggers memories of a "BFTP"?

Home Study Review

Friday we received the "rough draft" of our home study to review.  Her email said the following:

"Hello,

Can both of you please look over the home study?  I have not formatted it yet so please disregard and line irregularities, etc.  Thanks!"

Did she say anything about not having TONS of information incorrect?!  I was AMAZED at how much information was incorrect...everything from my birthday to what we were involved in during our HS years, to what Adoption Training we completed.  

Needless to say, I made all the corrections in RED and emailed it back to her.  We'll see what she has to say...lol.

The great part about this is that it means we are that much closer to having a finalized, notarized copy in our hands to send with our Dossier and I-600A!  :0)

This momma is getting very excited about the wait!  I'm praying for something new to be thankful for at Thanksgiving or a WONDERFUL Christmas present!  

My New Shopping Hot Spot!

Goodwill!!!!!!

I have some friends who LOVE to shop Goodwill.  No matter where they go they always make a stop at the nearest Goodwill.  I hadn't (to my knowledge) ever been in one...until I went with them a few days ago.

Now, this may sound bad, but I always thought of Goodwill as a place for the "underprivileged" to shop.  I felt like it was almost "stealing" from them if I went there when I could afford to go to other stores with full prices.  My girlfriends have convinced me otherwise.  

They are constantly bringing me adorable clothes (some with the tags still on) for my children.  They are always finding great buys on things that I wish I owned (and could actually afford if I paid the prices they are paying).  So, after a lunch date a few days ago we decided to walk down the strip mall and go in.  It was a little overwhelming.  I think I would have probably just turned around and walked out if I had not had my "tour guides" with me.  I found tons of adorable clothing for the kids, and a super annoying toy that kept Hunter busy the whole time we were there, all for 21.00!  Amazing!  

I will definitely be making a stop back by come fall, and I can't wait to scope out the larger Goodwill shops in Jeff City, Springfield, and St. Louis next time I'm there!

Never before I had a son...

would I have seen bubbles come out of someone's nose!!!!  But, ah, yes, I did experience this for the first time recently during Hunter's bath.  How he got the soap up his nose I'm not sure, but I do know that he, Graysen, and I got a great laugh out of the bubbles he kept blowing!  

Main Street

One of the things I love the most about STJ is main street. It's technically called Jefferson, but I don't know many people who actually call it that. I wish that I had been around when STJ was founded and Main Street started developing. I would've loved to have seen all of the store fronts back then. I love driving those few blocks through town with all of the neat old brick buildings. I love the signs that hang from the buildings. I adore the store front windows. I marvel at the decorations that hang from the street lamps during several holidays a year. I appreciate that the city has placed big planters for flowers to grow in.

I like downtown STJ!

We're so close...

We are SO close to being done with our paperwork.  Left on the list of "to do's":

• Get Lincoln's 8 passport pictures ( getting done tonight)
• Pay our next installment (I'll call and pay it when I mail the Dossier)
• Get a copy of our Notarized Home Study (I hope to have in the next week...but I am emailing her today to find out for sure)
• Get a notarized employment letter from Walmart (I think I can get this done by Monday)
• Mail in the I-600A with copy of Home Study (will do AS SOON as I get the Home Study!)

After these things are done (within a week I HOPE), we will have about 4 weeks and then we'll be on the waiting list!  Wow...amazing how quickly this first part went.  I thought it would drag on forever.  

In an effort to "reward" myself for being (almost) done we are taking a family trip to KS to visit with some friends next week!  :0)  Can't wait!

I believe...

that I am going to enjoy spending time outside with my kids this summer.

I have never been an "outside" kind of person. I hate to sweat (or shiver), I hate bugs of all kinds. I don't like dirt, or to get dirty. I don't like the 'elements" (rain, snow, etc.) I would prefer to rest over being extremely physically active. This is just who I am.

I would enjoy to sit on the back porch (although I wish it were screened in or something) and read a book. I would enjoy to drink lemonade while catching up with a friend. I would enjoy a leisurely walk around the neighborhood with my husband and kids. I would enjoy taking pictures of my kids playing on the playground.

I admit that this is a fault of mine. I am not proud of it...but it is a fact, and something that I need to work on, to be held accountable for. Instead of just taking the pictures, I need to go down the slide with them. Instead of reading my book I need to be digging for worms in the dirt with them. Instead of talking with a friend I need to be exploring in the field with them. Instead of taking a leisurely walk I need to be playing soccer in the back yard.

Something Right

Sometimes life gets rough.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that you're doing anything right.  

Sometimes encouragement comes in the form of an 18 mo. old little girl and 4 year old little boy.

This morning Hunter's first words were:

"Mommy, I'm so excited...because I get to spend the whole day with you again!"  

Mind you, we've been spending the whole day together for 10 days now...if he's still that excited, I must be doing SOMETHING right.

As I sat in the dark living room rocking my sweet baby girl and staring into her eyes tonight before putting her in bed she said:

"I love you"

It's the first time she's ever said it to me without being prompted (me saying it first).  I must be doing SOMETHING right.

God has blessed me with some awesome kids and I am so thankful...everyday.

The Light At the End of the Tunnel

Today I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  Not only did I see it, I hugged it, kissed it, fed it, held it.  

I met a woman very randomly at the park today who adopted her son from Ethiopia.  He was 8 months old and just came home in March.  How exciting!  He was awesome.  I just stared into those eyes thinking "you've been there...you've lived there...you are a part of my son."  Amazing.  

Some days the light is hard to see...but today is was clear as day.

Q&A #5 - motherhood...

Q #1: Why quit your baby sitting and become a full time stay at home mom?

We decided to quit baby sitting because we felt like it was the same as me working outside the home during the day. This is not the way we want to raise our children, and we have been blessed to be financially able to do it. My attention was on the other children all day and my kids were constantly being put on the back burner, because I could do it to them and not the others. Hunter was being sat in front of the TV or playing the Wii for several hours every day because I had too many babies to tend to. We felt as though Graysen was being forced to grow up too quickly because there were kids younger than her that needed me. The purpose of being a stay at home mom was to be able to educate my children. To take them into the world and let them experience life first hand rather than be cooped up in a home or daycare facility every day. With the number and age of children that we had we were not even able to run to the store when we ran out of milk in the middle of the day.

Another reason was that our home is not large enough to section off a portion of it to serve as the day care spot. The kids were in our living room and all three of our bedrooms every day. We had baby toys everywhere and no longer felt as if our house was our home anymore. It had simply turned into a day care facility. We needed a sanctuary as a family, and if your house can't be that, what can be?!

Q #2: Where did you see yourself in 10 years after high school?

Right where I am. Can you believe that?! It's true! I never really wanted to go to college...didn't think it necessary to waste that much money on a degree that I never wanted to use. I would've much rather gotten a job right out of HS, then went to college much later in life when I was ready to have a career. I would've been able to make a much more educated decision on what field I wanted to go into and what degree I would need to make that happen. I will have to go back to college when I'm ready to start a career (after our kids are all in school) because a Dance degree is not going to be me any good.

I expected myself to be married with a few children. I prayed that I would be a stay at home mom, possibly still doing something with dance. I wanted nothing more than to put my family first and raise my children to be happy, healthy, contributing citizens.

So...8 years out of HS, I am already living the dream! I did better than expected!

Q #3: How many more children do you want? Will they all be adopted?

We would really like 1-2 more children. We are greatly enjoying this adoption process so far, and therefore think that, yes, the rest of our children will probably be adopted. We would like to adopt from the same country again so that they have some common heritage, but are not sure that this going to be financially possible. Honestly, with the medical problems that I have during pregnancy adopting is not that much more expensive (except for the fact that there is no payment plan for adoption like there are medical bills).

Q #4: What do you see in the future for your children?

I think every parent dreams of their children's future, but I try to be realistic in knowing that it doesn't really matter what I dream, only what makes them happy! I would like to see each of my children grow up taking school seriously and have a desire to learn. I don't want them to be defined by their extra curricular activities, but by the way that they treat others. I pray that they will learn to love The Lord at an early age and will allow Him to walk by their sides the rest of their lives. Life is so much easier when you have Him to lean on during the tough times! I hope that they are family oriented people and make spending time with their family(ies) a priority after they get married. I hope that they are strong enough in their convictions that they will stand up for what they believe in even when it's not the easy or popular thing to do and are ridiculed for it. I hope that they each find a profession that they LOVE...whether that be motherhood or a brain surgeon. It honestly doesn't matter to me as long as they are calm, relaxed, and ready to spend the evening with their family when they get off! I would never expect them to stay around STJ just because we are here, because honestly after our kids are grown who knows where we'll end up. Maybe we'll move to where they are, maybe we'll have a great place to travel! I hope that they are afforded the opportunity to travel the world and experience a variety of cultures and people.

Graysen's words

I just want to post a list of Grayen's current words so that I have it to look back on.

At 18 months (which she was on the 28th) here are the words that she can say and uses on a regular basis:

• Mommy or Momma
• Daddy or Dada
• Bubby
• Sissy
• Ammie (for Grammie, but has only done it a few times)
  
• Puppy
• Upie (for up)
• Out or Ide (for outside)
• Choc (for chocolate)
• More
• Me
• Mine
• Help me
• Cracker (for any food)
• Fishie (learned at Meremec Springs Park)
• That
• Go
• Owchie
• I want to go
• Where are you
• Here you go
• Thank You

ps - I just keep adding to this list as she learns new words / phrases this month!