Question: What do you think it will be like to meet Claire in heaven?
Wow. What an awesome day that is going to be! I like to dream about it often, although I have NO CLUE what it will really be like when I get to Heaven. I go back and forth between thinking that Claire will be a baby (beautiful and fully formed like her soul was at birth), or a little girl about like Graysen is right now (18 months), or an adult - however many years since her passing. Depending on how I'm feeling at the time, my visions are different. I can imagine myself finally being able to rock and cuddle her. I can imagine myself being able to kiss her chubby cheeks and be pulled around by my finger. I can imagine myself walking and talking with her. I can imagine her showing me around Heaven and telling me about all the wonderful things she has experienced since being there. I never doubt that she will immediately know me and will be waiting for me at The Gates. I never doubt that we will have the mother / daughter bond that I have with Graysen. It will be awesome...that's all I know!
Question: How often do you visit her grave, and why... is there any significant ritual you have, anniversary visit, etc?
After Claire passed away I visited her grave every day. I remember a few days that I skipped going there because of the weather and the extreme guilt that I felt. I thought she needed me there...she needed her mommy and since that's where she was, I was to be there as well. I took toys out and let Hunter run around and play as I sat on the ground leaning up against the headstone praying and talking to her. Looking back I realize how unhealthy this behavior and thought process was, but when you are living the nightmare of losing a child you don't think straight. I don't remember exactly when I came to the realization that I wasn't doing anyone any good being in the cemetery that much. I was forcing myself to "re-live" my loss day after day, never allowing myself to continue my life and become a good wife and mother again. Now I slowly drive by about once a week, just when I'm out running errands. I stop and sit for awhile about once a month. I never go between the date that we found out that she had anencephaly and her birthday. I always go on her birthday and take her pink balloons, one for every year. I also have her flowers re-done twice a year...usually in August and February. Aside from that, I generally just stop by when I have some extra time or when Hunter and I get to talking about her. I want my kids here to grow up comfortable in the cemetery. I want them to understand that it's a good place to go and honor those who have gone before us, but it's not where they are. I want them to view a cemetary as a place for those of us left behind. Our loved ones are gone and doing so much better than we are! :0) It's honestly a place I go now when I need to feel closer to God. A place I can escape when I need some quiet time to meditate.
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