I'm a simple girl.

It's no secret that I'm always ready and willing to listen to lessons that God sends my way.
I'm desperate for them in fact!
But, I'm a simple girl.
I don't pick up on subtle hints most of the time, I'm not a deep thinker who can figure things out on my own. I need obvious!

Today I was blessed to have this come in the form of a book Hunter picked out for me to read to him. "Veggie Tales Dave and Giant Pickle".

Although I know this story from the Bible, sometimes it's good to hear it in an even simpler form!

"Dave couldn't believe his ears! Had they forgotten that they were the children of God? ...and whenever they went into a battle, God was there with them.
They had always known that if God was on their side, no one could stand against them!"

How is it that I so easily forget that God is always with me?
How can I forget, after all His faithfulness in my life, that no one can stand against me with Him on my side?!

"...they had forgotten that God was even bigger!"

Sometimes the things I'm facing in my life seem so overwhelming that I forget, God is bigger than this.
He has good plans for my life.
He will see me through, if I just let Him!

"But Dave was convinced that even though he was little, he could do big things with God's help!"

Ah God, give me that confidence!!!

"Well, Dave wasn't exactly sure what he was getting into, but he knew God would be there with him."

We weren't sure at all what we were getting ourselves into when we started this adoption process. We have been changed so much over the last 2 years that I hardly even recognize the person I used to be. We had no idea whether it would be an easy or hard road, we didn't know if we would regret our decision or not, but what we DID know was that God would be there with us...all along the way.

Why have I forgotten that now that we're home?
Why would I think God had abandoned me just because "the process" was over?

He hasn't.
He's here.
Helping me every day.

Memories for this Christmas

Lots of Christmas Cards reminding me of lots of people who love us.

A new Christmas ornament

Six year old wrapping
(Silas)

Squished bows
(because a certain three year old girl put it on!)

Six year old handwriting
(Hunter's)

Creative wrapping...
Grammy: Okay, what paper should we use?
Blake: It's good like that!
Grammy: But it doesn't have paper on it.
Blake: But it has pretty pictures on it!

A new Nativity Scene...hand made by my kids!
(Mary, Joseph, the three Wise Men, and the Angel)

an almost empty pot of my Grandma's Wassail...

Christmas platters filled with yummy cookies...

A few warm(er) days to play outside...

Lazy mornings making reindeer pancakes...

I hope, no matter what your Christmas has felt like, that you are able to see some priceless memories to cherish this year...

Another small glimpse

...into what our family can be like some day.

Today Blake came up to me in the kitchen, gave me a hug, and said "I love you Mommy" totally out of the blue! No prompting, not a normal time of the day when I'm leaving or putting him to bed...but, just because!! It made me smile and I let him know how much it meant to me.

The 12 Days of Christmas: Large Family Style

This is great! I think we've been asked every single one of those questions except "Are you Catholic"?! I hope you get a great laugh out of this today!




For future reference when my blog is in book form here is what the song says:

On the first day of Christmas a stranger said to me "Oh Boy, you've got your hand full"
On the second day of Christmas a stranger said to me "You must be Catholic"
On the third day of Christmas a stranger said to me "How do you afford it?"
On the fourth day of Christmas a stranger said to me " are you having more?"
On the fifth day of Christmas a stranger said to me "are they all yours???"
On the sixth day of Christmas a stranger said to me "better you than me!"
On the seventh day of Christmas a stranger said to me "how do you manage?"
On the eighth day of Christmas a stranger said to me "do you know what causes it?"
On the nineth day of Christmas a stranger said to me "which ones are twins?"
On the tenth day of Christmas a stranger said to me " Is this a daycare?"
On the eleventh day of Christmas a stranger said to me " just wait until their teens!"
On the twelfth day of Christmas we once again replied
"we'll lock them in the cellar,
no we aren't a daycare,
they're two years a part,
and yes, we like it,
one day at a time,
we are very blessed,
Yes, they're all ours!,
They're cheaper by the dozen,
we shop at Goodwill,
No, not Mormon either,
and we wouldn't have it any other way!"

Broken Heart

This lovely adoptive mom (also an AAI mom), wrote this post recently.
Ahhh, how it EXACTLY explains my heart right now.
I told you in this post that I was tired.
Tired of parenting, tired of disciplining.
But the words that I could not put properly together to explain are these...the words that she wrote.

"We've been having a rough time with the boys in their sunday school class lately. A few weeks ago Eli bit Ezra for a minor (obviously not to him) offense. Is it bad to admit that one of my first thoughts was relief that it was Ezra that got bit and not one of the other kids?

Then the next week I got called out of my class because Ezra was throwing an inconsolable tantrum for an unknown offense. And oh my! It was a tantrum and a half that included yelling, hitting, stamping feet, and the throwing of his body onto the ground.

Nice.
And quite humbling.

Those preachers kids, huh.

I spend pretty much all of my day every day with my boys and know how they can be.
They are three.
And boys.
And Ezra seems blessed with an extra four doses of boy.

Ok, and if I'm honest...Ezra has been in a difficult stage for the last year and a half. It doesn't matter that I am consistent. And I promise I do supervise him. He is just one of those kids.

With that said and all kidding aside...

It still absolutely breaks my heart when they choose to make bad choices. Breaks it right in two.

I want them to obey and make right choices. But not (just) for my sake.

But because I know that climbing on the dresser is dangerous. And because I know that learning to share is only for their benefit throughout life. And because biting your brother is not a reasonable way of learning to resolve your problem. And because eating 11 cookies in a row is not going to make you feel very good.

And. Mostly. Because I know that those actions do not bring any honor to the one who made him.

When I took Ezra home after his sunday school altercation I took him into my room to discuss his consequences. As I was talking to him I could not hold back the tears. I did not want to give consequences. I am so so so tired of giving consequences.

And in that instant I had a moment of seeing how the Lord must feel about me when I choose sin. How I must break his heart. Right in two.

He knows that my bad attitude only makes me and everyone around me miserable. He knows that putting myself in that situation is dangerous. He knows my complaining attitude only breeds discontent. He knows my independence causes distance between us and control issues within me. He knows that comparing myself to such and such only stops me from doing the things he has created me for.

And. Mostly. He knows that my actions do not bring any glory to Him, the one who created me.

Forgive me Lord for the many times I break your heart. Right in two.

Psalms 51

Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my failings, and my sin is ever before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit withing me."

All of this is so true for me.
(Right down to my kid getting in trouble in Sunday School Class...seriously, Blake got put in time out in Sunday School a few weeks ago!!!)

And instead of my boys being three...
they are six, but emotionally they are three.
Honestly, they are three year old's in six year old's bodies.

They are immature, love deprived, and inexperienced in everything in life.
Living in American conditions, education,
and most importantly, being part of a family.

It's frustrating, but mostly
it's tiring...
and it breaks. my. heart.
and His.

Things I need to remember

I'm going to make it a point to start adding little entries here of things I want to remember...especially during this stressful time of year.

Thing number one: the kids are laying on my bed, all four of them, tucked in next to each other in a row watching a movie and out of the blue I hear this conversation:

Hunter: "I love you Blake"
Blake: "I love you too Hunter"
Hunter: "Love you Silas"
Silas: "Love you too Hunter"

...then silence. They are back to watching the movie. How precious these little ones are to me...

I've (still) got The Joy!

After yesterday, where I felt like pure crum, I decided it was time to take the bull by the horns and get RID of the winter blues! I made up my mind that I was going to enjoy my life, enjoy parenting (even the hard parts), revive my (normal) positive attitude, and find the joy in my life again. I was encouraged by so many comments and emails from people. Here are some excerpts from emails that I received from the beautiful people who surround me with love and prayers everyday.

"Praying for you every day! I love you! If you need an escape...you are ALWAYS welcome to bring the kids over here! We can lock them all in the playroom while we sip hot cocoa! :o) You are a wonderful momma and woman! Hugs to you!!!"

"I really hope you will be able to relax and enjoy this first Christmas with Blake and Silas and watch their excitement as they learn all about the holiday here in America. I know I get so stressed that I forget to enjoy the moments watching the kids open their gifts and seeing how something small can make them so happy."

"You have done so much praying for me during the past year, I'm going to say a prayer for you. I imagine things are difficult for you right now, but our Lord and Savior will never abandon you."

"I read your blog last night, and you are in my thoughts today. I really, really love you...you and Lincoln are SOOOO special...and you have a VERY special family..."

You all are such a joy to have in my life. God has blessed me with some awesome people, that's for sure!

As we all loaded up in the car last night this song came on and I decided to take that exact moment to rejoice and feel better. We danced in our seats and sang loud (even Blake who can not get the words right no matter how hard he tries!)...I felt better almost immediately!

I hope you can find The JOY as well!



Hunter woke up at 3:00 this morning with the flu, and he had to miss his Christmas party at school. I felt so bad for him, but I think he enjoyed the special time at home with Daddy and Graysen today. I got to go to school and enjoy time with Silas and Blake in their classrooms. What a great kick off to Christmas Break!!!!!!

Thursday Thoughts: The Not-So-Happy Version

Where have I been? Oh, around I suppose...

It's winter time...and Christmas time...which means that Ashley becomes a hermit and tries to avoid contact with as many people as possible. Sad, but true.

I'm praying for a joyful heart, a spirit so full of excitement and joy that it can't help but spill out all over everyone I come in contact with, but so far I've yet to accept that gift, and therefore I sit here with my pj's on and my kids in front of a movie.

It's like the bitter cold just cuts right through me and I have a hard time enjoying anything in life during these months. I long for the day that I can be peaceful at this time of year. I have been avoiding my blog because I just honestly don't have very many positive things to say right now. Although I try to stay real in this journal, I don't necessarily want to record the "bad times" for my kids to remember. So, I just disappear.

We have been doing some fun Christmas / winter activities.

I was able to sneak away to Chicago for three days with two long time friends. We had a blast going to the spa, shopping, singing Christmas carols down the Magnificent Mile, and seeing the Joffery Ballet perform The Nutcracker.

The kids and I made gingerbread houses. We're listening to Christmas music.We're almost done with Christmas shopping. We've got plans to make Christmas ornaments, make our own Nativity, and drive around and look at Christmas lights.

But to be honest I get really stressed about Christmas. I don't like gifts. I don't like the stress of picking out and purchasing gifts for other people (both financially and mentally). I don't like how they bring out the ungrateful spirit in my children.

Mostly this year I am just tired. I'm tired of parenting 24 hours a day. Being on my toes constantly. There is never a second where I feel like I can let my guard down and just enjoy my family. I'm tired of teaching Blake and Silas all the new things that come with being a part of a family, living in America, and healing from their pasts.

I just want to be a normal family. I want for everyone to be able to communicate effectively. I want for people to not stare at us every time we leave the house. I am tired of being the freak, circus side show. It's just. plain. exhausting.

I want Blake and Silas to understand simple rules like not to poke holes in the kitchen table with their fork at dinner. Like the fact that they can not talk back to me or disrespect me just because I am a woman.

I imagine us some day all sitting around the kitchen table playing a game together, reading our Bibles together, eating a quiet meal while we all calmly share about our days.

I've now stopped and started this entry 4 times as I go to break up fights, send someone to time out, make lunch, clean up from lunch, start a game, etc.

This year Christmas, and all that comes with it in America is just too much for me. The commercialism, the expectations, the songs and traditions.

Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. Maybe I should have been prepared for this. But I wasn't. I simply wasn't.

Christmas around our home

We don't do much decorating around our house for any holiday. We have small, modest home, so there isn't much space to decorate. We also don't have much space for storage, and I don't like clutter, so...

Decorations + Items already displayed = too much clutter!

Anyway, I do try to decorate for Christmas a bit. I mean, who's birthday is a bigger deal than Jesus'?! So...mostly we have nativity scenes!

This Nativity was, I believe, my Great Grandma's.
The garland is new this year, as is my sign that I scored at a yard sale!

My Grandma kept this Nativity (it lights up) in her living room year round.
Guess where it's been since she went to meet Jesus in person in March?
In my living room...and it will stay there, year round.

Lincoln and I recieved this Nativity as a wedding gift almost 7 years ago.
(What an awesome wedding gift!!)
Hunter made the angel on top a few years ago...

Here is what our fireplace looks like when you step back a bit...
Six stocking holders (but not six stockings yet...yikes!),
three Nativity scenes, and a little garland thrown in for good measure!

This is our newest addition! Our Nativity that we purchased in Ethiopia!
(It's sitting on a mat from Kenya as well!)

Yes, you counted right, that's four Nativity Scenes in my living room!

As a side note...I love receiving Christmas Cards. I think it's a lost art. I will say that I have always sent out New Years Cards, but am trying really hard to get Christmas Cards sent this year! I adore seeing everyone's family year to year, and reading about the new happenings in their lives. I think it's a wonderful time to get a quick update on those that you don't talk to regularly. I hung the garland around our bookcase this year, in hopes that we will receive lots of Christmas Cards and can hang them there for everyone to see! I remember very fondly the Christmas Card holders that we had in my home growing up and how much I loved reading everyone's cards to my parents, even as a child. Even now, I always read everyone's card to my Mom every time I'm at her house.

Merry Christmas!

Why not?

There are twin six year old girls that desperately need a home.

I jokingly said to Hunter and Blake,
"hey guys, you think we should adopt twin 6 year old girls?!"
I thought their responses would be things like
"no way! No girls! No more kids!"

Instead their eyes lit up.
Yes! Today Mom?!

I laughed. You guys aren't serious, you don't want any more kids!

Yes we do Mom!
We'd love more kids, sisters would be fun!
They need a family, Mom.

Oh guys, we can't, I'm sorry.

Why not?
You don't have the money?

Nope, we don't. If we did, we would adopt them, okay?

How can we get the money?

Well, we just need to be careful with the money we have
and pray that God will provide it for us.

How about we go to other people's houses and clean for them?
We can make money that way!

Ah, my sweet precious boys. Our hearts do beat as one.
I love you both with everything I am.

Graysen's 3rd Birthday Tea Party: Decorations!

I had so much fun decorating for Graysen's party! Bless my Aunt Kim for providing me with most of the tea sets, and my mom and sister for helping me for several hours before the party!

The kitchen table

This is the tea pot that started it all!
Graysen painted this herself at The Blue Beagle several months ago!

Cucumber Sandwhiches, with no crust, were served...

Center pieces. Sugar, pink coconut, marshmallows with strawberries, brown and pink candy sticks, and pink and purple lollipops!

Some of the treats! Those are strawberry marshmallows dipped in chocolate with white sprinkles on top, as well as strawberry wafers dipped in pink and dark chocolate.
The "3" balloon! How could I pass up a huge, pink, 3 balloon?! This floated above the birthday girl's chair. When I took it to get it blown up you would've thought I'd brought in an ailen. The people were so amazed by it!
I love this shot of one of the polka dot balloons Graysen picked out with her baby picture in the background!
Paper balls. My sister worked long and hard figuring out how to make these. They turned out super cute!
The dining room table.
I'm 3! We had so much fun making these chocolate suckers! I was amazed at how easy the molds worked.
The white table...
The green table.
The kids table. My Aunt Kim had these children's chairs that worked perfectly at my Mom's coffee table!

I want to sell my kids to the zoo.

The last few days have been "those days". You know, the ones all Mom's dread. The ones that feel like they last 30 hours and night lasts for about 2. I can't even pin point all that has happened, but I know that right now, I would totally take someone up on an offer to sell them to the zoo...or the circus.

1. They were jumping on Graysen's new pink blow up bed and put a hole in it.
2. They are so whiny I think my ears are going to fall off.
3. They have broken 4 things. I have tried to explain that things cost money and we aren't going to just replace things because they are irresponsible with it...no such luck.
4. There have been more melt down fits than in the last two months combined.
5. They have spilled drinks on almost every floor in my house.

They have been begging all day to go outside. It's 33 degrees outside...and guess where they are? Outside. It's the only reason I'm sitting here blogging. I just bundled them up and decided I'd deal with the colds that they get later. I can't believe it's only 3:50. Lord help me.

Maybe it's me. Maybe it's my winter depression kicking in. Maybe my lack of patience is directly related to the dust that's gathering on my Bible. I'll be honest, it's been a long week. Lincoln has been gone to a basketball game every night except Tuesday. (Yes, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.) He hasn't gotten home before bedtime yet this week. I've been busy, I've been exhausted, and I haven't made time for Him.

I'm going to go ahead and end this post and pick up my Bible and spend some quiet time with God (even though 2 of my children are already back inside). I'm going to confess my sins of impatience and jealousy. I'm going to pray for rejuvenation.

A Christmas Gift You Can Feel Good About!

AAI (our adoption agency) does a Holiday Project every year, trying to provide a special Christmas for all of the kids in several orphanages in Ethiopia as well as for the Ethiopian people who tirelessly serve those kids every day.

Here is a message from Mandie, who organizes AAI's Holiday Project every year:

In the spirit of the season, and reflecting on how truly blessed we are, and all the things we have to be Thankful for, I have to say how Thankful I am that we chose AAI. AAI brought three beautiful daughters into our family, and has offered me many opportunities to travel to Ethiopia, and to Layla House.

My life changed on February 10th, 2007... when I stepped out of Bole airport and into the crisp night air of Addis, and I haven't looked back. My eyes were opened to the plight of the people of Ethiopia, especially the orphans... Since that first trip, I've been back to visit and volunteer 7 times. My heart has the imprints of tiny hands and big eyes, workers who wash tons of laundry a week to provide for their own families, sponsorship kids, whose lives are changed by the contributions that their sponsors send every month.

I'm Thankful for the Holiday project... that allows me to play 'Santa' every year to hundreds of kids, not only in AAI's care center, but to sponsorship kids, and children in smaller government run orphanages, that AAI works with. And I'm especially Thankful for all of YOU. You are the ones who keep this project going, who make it a success, and who brighten the lives of these children and caregivers... You continue to help me show them that someone out there is thinking of them... that they are loved... and that they mean something.

Thank you to all who have donated! And Thanks in advance, to those of you who will find it in your hearts and wallets to do so now. 'm happy to say, that we have raised $5,705 since my last update, bringing our total to date to $5,755. With only 4 weeks left until Christmas, we need to really buckle down and raise the remaining $14,245.... I have no doubt that we will do it.... but I need your help!

Here are a couple of pics from last years Holiday celebration:

Debritu (a nanny at Layla) holding my friend Wendy's daughter Tihun (waving)

Tihun receiving her Holiday Project gifts.....she's a little afraid of Santa,

but who can blame her? Santa's can be scary...have you ever gotten up close to one?

Nice sandals Santa... ;)

Back to Mandie's message:
Two years ago, my then almost 6 year old son, overheard me talking with my husband about the huge amount we still needed to raise, and how I was afraid we might not make it. An hour or so later, he came to me with his piggy bank, and a handful of change that he scrounged from around the house... he wanted to donate it all to the project. I thought it was a great idea (he has been to Ethiopia a few times, and has met and played with some of these kids!) and told him that whatever spare change he could find around the house, we would donate. Over the next day or so he managed to collect around $120 in coins from seat cushions, night stands, and the car.... Unbelievable, right?! This has become his annual tradition, the scouring of the house for loose change. I can't wait to see how much he finds this year!

I encourage you to get your kids involved... Allow them to empty your change purse, and look under the cushions... And when its all said and done in January, you can show them the photos on Snapfish from my trip, and let them see what they were able to do. I encourage you to give BIG... even if the best you can do right now is a few dollars... Every donation counts and helps us get closer to our goal! Go without the morning coffee for a week... Stay in this Friday night, and watch a DVD, instead of forking out money for dinner and a movie...
pack your lunch for a week... there are a lot of things we as American's could go without for a week (or more)in order to make a child's holiday brighter! What can you go without? How much can you donate by going without it for a week?

We have received many donations in the past in honor of a family or child that is home, grandparents, teachers, great aunts and uncles...A donation to the Holiday Project is also a great gift, for the 'folks who have everything'! For a minimum $30 donation, we will collect those names and addresses and a special "a holiday gift from _______________ in your honor will benefit children at Layla House and Humanitarian projects in Ethiopia" will be sent in mid-December to the recipient of your choice.

This year, the project will be smaller, and will encompass the following programs, with half of each total going towards Humanitarian Aid... (A $30 donation will provide for one child or caregiver)

*Children at Layla(the children's house), Wanna (the baby house) and Opportunity Houses (the house for special needs children) will receive A New Traditional Outfit, Small wrapped gift and Candy.

*Caregivers at Layla, Wanna and Opportunity Houses will receive a modest cash bonus which they can use to purchase holiday foods, and other items for their families.

*Children in the Orphaned Student Project (OSP) will receive a modest cash bonus which they can use to purchase holiday foods, and other items for their families.

*Sheep will be provided for several small orphanages in order for them to have a festive holiday meal.

For families who would like their donation to go to a certain child or program, I would be happy to receive those requests! Since I am in charge of keeping it all straight, Once you have made your donation via mail or online, please send me an email with your name, donation amount, and where you would like the money spent.Don't forget to send me the 'In Honor Of' info, if you would like a card sent to your honoree. Once we begin receiving donations, I will post weekly updates to let you all know where we are, and what we still need!

There are 3 convenient ways to donate....

1) Donations can be made by check or money order and sent (with a note
specifying "HOLIDAY GIFT PROJECT" and your preferences) directly to
AAI at the address below....

Adoption Advocates International
709 South Peabody Street
Port Angeles, Washington 98362

2) Donations can also be made conveniently at the AAI website, by
clicking the "DONATE NOW" button, click on "2010 Holiday Project" and type
what portion of the project you would like your donation to go to in the Donation Designation Field.

3) An option is also available at the Benefit Orphans store, where you can also find great gifts for the holidays that benefit the GRACE Fund and other AAI projects.


You can read another post about this year's Holiday Project on the AAI blog.

The children and staff at Layla, Wanna, Opportunity House, Orphaned Student Project and the orphanages that AAI works with, all thank you for helping to make their Christmas holiday a truly joyous one!

I want to thank you too...there are still many kids there that I am crazy about and it gives me some peace knowing that they will have a special Christmas, even while they wait to be CHOSEN.

"My Child Is Sitting on the Roadside" - God

As we continue to pray about how God would have us serve as His hands and feet to The Least of These, I find this video very challenging. Have we "done our duty" by adding two more children to our family? Absolutely not.



What if that was MY Hunter, Blake, Silas, or Graysen? He's right, I would call every. single. one. of my friends while clawing through the concrete wall! Am I God's friend? I hope so...Is He calling me?

If anyone is moved, touched, or intrigued by this video, please contact me. It's my hearts desire to see more beautiful children come to find the safe warm comfort of parent's arms...and I would love to chat with you about it. There are so many AWESOME kids waiting at Layla House (where my boys were) that I can personally show you pictures of, tell you stories about, or put you in contact with someone who has seen them in the last few months.

They are waiting...

Some noteworthy things the last few days.

A few noteworthy things have happened in the last two days.

1. Blake gave Graysen a piggy back ride in from the trampoline. This is huge. Not only has there been very little "loving" physical contact between the twins and our bio kids thus far, but Graysen and Blake's relationship has been more strained than the others. He started off their relationship by growling at her (sometimes playfully, sometimes not), and she has never quite taken to him like she has Silas. I physically gasped when I saw him carrying her in (with a smile on both of their faces!). Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

2. Hunter said a very funny thing. He and Blake had just gotten in an argument and the three of us were sitting down discussing it. When Hunter was recounting what happened he said, "He (Blake) stood up, was getting his mad face on, and the claws were coming out". I couldn't help but laugh, it was just such a funny, yet accurate description!

3. Blake and Silas were looking through our pictures from Ethiopia tonight and really scouring the pictures of their first family. Silas made the comment "there is my Mom". Graysen replied, "that is not your mom, this is your mom" (pointing to me in the picture). Silas said "yes, but this is my first mom. I was in her tummy!" I smiled to myself in the other room, I'm so glad he is confident in his family (all of us) and where he falls in it all.

Blake also made the comment "Why is my Mom wearing that"? I asked him what was wrong with what she had on that day and told me that "she has lots of pretty dresses". I don't know how much of his memory is accurate, but I thought it was a positive thing that he was finally able to really study the pictures and notice details like that. I think those pictures have always brought so much pain that he hasn't been able to really look at them closely...until now.