Where have I been? Oh, around I suppose...
It's winter time...and Christmas time...which means that Ashley becomes a hermit and tries to avoid contact with as many people as possible. Sad, but true.
I'm praying for a joyful heart, a spirit so full of excitement and joy that it can't help but spill out all over everyone I come in contact with, but so far I've yet to accept that gift, and therefore I sit here with my pj's on and my kids in front of a movie.
It's like the bitter cold just cuts right through me and I have a hard time enjoying anything in life during these months. I long for the day that I can be peaceful at this time of year. I have been avoiding my blog because I just honestly don't have very many positive things to say right now. Although I try to stay real in this journal, I don't necessarily want to record the "bad times" for my kids to remember. So, I just disappear.
We have been doing some fun Christmas / winter activities.
I was able to sneak away to Chicago for three days with two long time friends. We had a blast going to the spa, shopping, singing Christmas carols down the Magnificent Mile, and seeing the Joffery Ballet perform The Nutcracker.
The kids and I made gingerbread houses. We're listening to Christmas music.We're almost done with Christmas shopping. We've got plans to make Christmas ornaments, make our own Nativity, and drive around and look at Christmas lights.
But to be honest I get really stressed about Christmas. I don't like gifts. I don't like the stress of picking out and purchasing gifts for other people (both financially and mentally). I don't like how they bring out the ungrateful spirit in my children.
Mostly this year I am just tired. I'm tired of parenting 24 hours a day. Being on my toes constantly. There is never a second where I feel like I can let my guard down and just enjoy my family. I'm tired of teaching Blake and Silas all the new things that come with being a part of a family, living in America, and healing from their pasts.
I just want to be a normal family. I want for everyone to be able to communicate effectively. I want for people to not stare at us every time we leave the house. I am tired of being the freak, circus side show. It's just. plain. exhausting.
I want Blake and Silas to understand simple rules like not to poke holes in the kitchen table with their fork at dinner. Like the fact that they can not talk back to me or disrespect me just because I am a woman.
I imagine us some day all sitting around the kitchen table playing a game together, reading our Bibles together, eating a quiet meal while we all calmly share about our days.
I've now stopped and started this entry 4 times as I go to break up fights, send someone to time out, make lunch, clean up from lunch, start a game, etc.
This year Christmas, and all that comes with it in America is just too much for me. The commercialism, the expectations, the songs and traditions.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. Maybe I should have been prepared for this. But I wasn't. I simply wasn't.
It's winter time...and Christmas time...which means that Ashley becomes a hermit and tries to avoid contact with as many people as possible. Sad, but true.
I'm praying for a joyful heart, a spirit so full of excitement and joy that it can't help but spill out all over everyone I come in contact with, but so far I've yet to accept that gift, and therefore I sit here with my pj's on and my kids in front of a movie.
It's like the bitter cold just cuts right through me and I have a hard time enjoying anything in life during these months. I long for the day that I can be peaceful at this time of year. I have been avoiding my blog because I just honestly don't have very many positive things to say right now. Although I try to stay real in this journal, I don't necessarily want to record the "bad times" for my kids to remember. So, I just disappear.
We have been doing some fun Christmas / winter activities.
I was able to sneak away to Chicago for three days with two long time friends. We had a blast going to the spa, shopping, singing Christmas carols down the Magnificent Mile, and seeing the Joffery Ballet perform The Nutcracker.
The kids and I made gingerbread houses. We're listening to Christmas music.We're almost done with Christmas shopping. We've got plans to make Christmas ornaments, make our own Nativity, and drive around and look at Christmas lights.
But to be honest I get really stressed about Christmas. I don't like gifts. I don't like the stress of picking out and purchasing gifts for other people (both financially and mentally). I don't like how they bring out the ungrateful spirit in my children.
Mostly this year I am just tired. I'm tired of parenting 24 hours a day. Being on my toes constantly. There is never a second where I feel like I can let my guard down and just enjoy my family. I'm tired of teaching Blake and Silas all the new things that come with being a part of a family, living in America, and healing from their pasts.
I just want to be a normal family. I want for everyone to be able to communicate effectively. I want for people to not stare at us every time we leave the house. I am tired of being the freak, circus side show. It's just. plain. exhausting.
I want Blake and Silas to understand simple rules like not to poke holes in the kitchen table with their fork at dinner. Like the fact that they can not talk back to me or disrespect me just because I am a woman.
I imagine us some day all sitting around the kitchen table playing a game together, reading our Bibles together, eating a quiet meal while we all calmly share about our days.
I've now stopped and started this entry 4 times as I go to break up fights, send someone to time out, make lunch, clean up from lunch, start a game, etc.
This year Christmas, and all that comes with it in America is just too much for me. The commercialism, the expectations, the songs and traditions.
Maybe I'm just expecting too much too soon. Maybe I should have been prepared for this. But I wasn't. I simply wasn't.
6 comments:
As I read your post my heart just kinda aches because their are parts I feel the same way the cold makes me feel blah and the way America has commericalized Christmas and makes us feel all yucky if we don't buy, buy, buy...whatever happened to it's better to give than recieve?! There are also parts I can't relate to, like with the boys and I really have no words, just an urge to pray for you all so that's what I believe I'll go do! *hugs*
I've missed your blogging.
And in the spirit of the holiday, and in the winter blues:
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice.
—Philippians 4:4
I can't imagine how difficult it would be for your boys to understand and for you to constantly teach so much of the holidays and just life in general. I am praying for you-and appreciate the honesty! It's so much easier to pray wholeheartedly when you know real issues.
I love you Ash..... let me know if there is anything I can do..... I wish we could escape sometime..... I miss our chats...... See your at Grandma's I hope on Christmas evening ;o)
I've missed reading too, and am glad you were able to post today. There is no way my heart can understand anything near what you are going through, but I do relate to searching for joy in the business of the season. This year I feel like time is flying by so quickly in every area of life, I haven't even taken time to slow down and just be thankful for the one reason we celebrate Christmas. I haven't paused to think much about this being the holiday season at all. I'm lifting you up in prayer as each day goes by, and your family too. May God bless you all richly through the Christmas season and provide the patience, strength, rest, and joy that only comes from Him.
I've been wondering where you were and am glad that you posted-I was getting worried-you are the most consistent poster I know! Just know that my thoughts and best wishes are with you.
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