I believe there are points in everyone's lives where you become a different person.
Here are mine.
My first was the day that I decided I was not going to be abused (emotionally) by a boyfriend anymore. I became a strong woman that day with the belief that I deserved more. (12-00)
The second was the day I found out my Dad left our family. Although he did and said exactly the opposite of everything he had ever taught me, I found the strength in my mom, sister, and grandma to continue to believe the truths that God taught us in the Bible about family and marriage. It made me more determined to be a faithful daughter of Christ and raise my family in a different way. (1-2-03)
The third was the day I found out I was pregnant. Although I cried and cried because it was not the way we expected or planned, God had a different idea. Lincoln brought me back to reality and helped me realize what a beautiful opportunity we had been given. What a gift from God! I became a Mom that day, and I have never been more proud to be anything in my whole life. (12-12-03)
The fourth was the day I got married. I made a commitment to a man for the rest of my life...and it made me a different person. (2-28-04)
The fifth was the day Claire was born and died. I learned what it really meant to rely fully on God, because for the first time in my life I could not survive on my own. I have been working hard to keep that dependency on God ever since. (2-10-06)
The sixth was the day we made the commitment to adopt. My heart was broken by something that breaks God's heart and I have grown to understand His heart so much more over the past year. (3-25-09)
The seventh was the day my Grandma went to be with Jesus. I lost the matriarch of our family, and one of the most awesome role models anyone could ever have. She showed me what it meant to live a life of faith. Not because she saw everyday miracles, but because this is what Jesus called her to do. She lived a blind faith that led her to great things. She created the family that I am proud to be a part of. She taught me what it meant to forgive, even when someone wounds you in the deepest way possible. I lost my next door neighbor, the woman I turned to for parenting advice, the woman I went to for support when I felt no one else offered any, and one of my very best friends. (3-19-10)
My life will be drastically different from here on out, but in Jeremiah 29:11, God says, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I cling to this truth, knowing that I will feel a deep sorrow and loss for quite some time, but that the Lord has good plans for my future. Good plans for the future of my children, even if that future does not include my Grandma by our side.
My new friend Laura told me early in the day that death could be a beautiful thing. I wasn't sure I believed her, but now I know that it is such a true statement. Around 4 a.m, after several attempts to spell something out on our hands, my mom asked Grandma if she was ready to go to Heaven and be with Jesus. She nodded yes bigger than she had in 3 weeks. Mom assured her that she would be able to go, but it had to be Jesus' timing, not ours. She reached with two hands up to the ventilator and tried to pull it out. In true stubborn Gma style, she was telling us she knew a faster way she could get there! When Mom told me that (in front of Gma), I asked her only one favor, that she would give Claire lots of hugs and kisses. She squeezed my hand, turned up the corner of her mouth into a smile and nodded yes again. Later in the day she kept pointing to the sky and I was trying to guess what it was she was needing. I finally asked if she saw something and she nodded yes. I asked if there were angels with her and she nodded yes again. She was ready. More than ready.
She stayed awake from 3 am until about 3 pm communicating the best she could with all of our family members. We all held her hands the entire day, we talked about our futures, our pasts, Heaven, how jealous we were of her getting to go, and our nails. Yes, while my sister, cousin and I were talking to Gma about our nails, she lifted both her hands up to inspect her nails! What a lady.
My aunt arrived about 5 pm and we were all brought into the room with Grandma. About 19 of us stood around her bed, holding on to her, holding on to each other. We all reassured her that we loved her, loved each other, and would always hold onto the bond that she had created in our family. We would always stick together, and up for each other. My friend, and Grandma's nurse Stacy turned off her blood pressure medicines and we cried, prayed over Grandma, and hugged each other. We sang Amazing Grace, and Grandma drifted off to sleep. My Aunt Lisa prayed out loud thanking God for the amazing woman that we were about to give back to Him, and Grandma passed. My other friend Laura, and Grandma's night nurse who had come back in to be with us, and her when she passed turned off the ventilator and we all said goodbye.
Every time I left her hospital room over the last 3 weeks, I told her, "I love you, and I'll see you later Grandma"...and it's true, I will see her later, when I enter the gates of Heaven, I am confident that she will be there, waiting for me, with Grandpa on one side, and Claire holding her hand on the other. What a joyous reunion it will be.
This photo speaks volumes to me.
