Red Hot Monogamy

This workshop was entitled "Red Hot Monogamy" and was given by Pam and Bill Farrel.  They have a number of EXCELLENT books on the market right now.  

They really stressed to us that we need to be recognizing sex as a gift.  So many mothers are so exhausted every day and have many more things on their plate than their husbands that sex gets pushed to the back burner.  It's hard to find time and energy.  Just like other areas of our lives though, God has a plan and reason for making us the way He did.  

Five reasons God made us sexual beings

1. Procreation  Genesis 1:22 
2. Recreation  Genesis 26:8 
3. Reconnection  1st Corinthians 7:5 - Our passion levels rise when we spend time in prayer.  God tells us to take time apart from our spouse and spend time in prayer with Him and then to reconnect.  (The speakers also suggested that parents not let their children pray with the one that they are going to marry before hand.  They believe that there are two sacred things for married couples - prayer and sex.) 

Guidelines on when sex in a marriage is acceptable.

You can say Y.E.S. if you...

Yield to one another.  You should keep communication open at all times.  In order to have a satisfying sex life for both partners you need to discuss what you enjoy, not enjoy, want to try, want to never try again, etc.

Extend in love.  Being sexually intimate with your spouse should never be forced.  It should also never risk your reputation (public places), health (STD's), or life.

Secure it with privacy.  Since we are all real people with real life sometimes sex is going to be great - other times it's bound to be, well, awkward!  It's not going to be like the movies, that is scripted and rehearsed with great camera angles!  We are going to be interrupted by crying babies, and have a running dishwasher as background "music", and positions we try are not going to work.  We need to understand that this is all okay, as long as you are with your spouse in a private setting.  There should be no "toys" and no porn.

4.  Rejuvenation  Song of Solomon 2:5

5.  Proclamation  Ephesians 5:31-32

Love takes T.I.M.E.

Ten or twenty minutes a day to chat and reconnect.  You need at least that amount of time each day to share your heart with your spouse, to keep current on what is going on in your lives.  Find whatever time of day works best for you two - coffee first thing in the morning, showering together (hey, at least you're multi-tasking right?!  ha ha), 10 minutes before you fall asleep, whenever it is - it's imperative!  

Invest in a weekly date night.  I know, your first reaction is probably like mine was..."yeah right!  Once a week???"  But...we need to re-define a date night!  

• You could have a co-op with another set of parents (several of my friends have been talking about this and I really should take them up on it!).  One night you have 2 or 3 extra kids, one night you have none!  This is also a FREE way to accomplish a date night!
• When your kids get a bit older you may set aside a special bucket of toys and books that are only to be played with on "date" night.  Put your kids to bed an hour early and let them play with those toys until they fall asleep!
  
• When your kids are old enough to drive offer them a weekly movie pass to get them out of the house and have it all to yourself!  :0)

Monthly getaway for 8-10 hours.  This is something that I think it hard to accomplish, but the speakers told us that studies show that it takes approximately 4 hours to unwind and release any stress.  Eight hours allows you to still have 4 stress free hours with your spouse!  :0)  This is a great time make sure that you're reconnecting in all of the areas you need to remain intimate with your spouse.   

• Social Intimacy (you need to make sure you keep "couple" friends)
• Financial Intimacy (you need to always be on the same page when it comes to the family finances)
• Recreational Intimacy (you need to have activities that you enjoy doing together - and cleaning the house doesn't count!)
• Vocational Intimacy (you need to have continual conversations about your vocations, whatever they may be, and make sure that you continue to support your spouse in those efforts.)
• Parental Intimacy (it takes lots of hard work and communication to be effective parents!)
• Sexual Intimacy 
• Spiritual Intimacy (you need to spend time with each other and the Lord!  Go to conferences, church, etc. together.)

Escape once a year for 24-48 hours.  As life grows you must interrupt it and reconnect with your spouse.  Take time to remember why you fell in love and shrink that life back down to a manageable size.  When you are alone with your spouse with no responsibilities it often reminds you that a lot of things that seem huge in your every day life are really not that big!

Let's keep Satan out!

Satan likes to sneak into our lives in any way that he can.  I am a firm believer that this is one way he tries to get in the middle of marriages.  It's a vicious cycle.  Normally the wife is the one who is less 'driven' in the sexual realm of the relationship.  If we shy away from our husbands in the bedroom (or wherever you prefer!  hee hee), it tends to make them less loving toward us in the ways that we need it.  The less loving they are toward us, the harder feelings we have toward them.  It's a bad, bad deal!  The farther you are from your spouse, the more room Satan has to work.  There are a million horrible things that can happen when husbands and wives are driven apart including divorce and adultry - so let's stay close (literally) and leave no room for him!

They are watching and learning!

When you see two people you can usually take a pretty good guess on whether they are really in love or not.  You can tell just by a few short moments of observing a couple whether they are "in tune" with one another at the moment or not.  Right?  I always think I can anyway.  I think it's pretty obvious to me when two people are really connected and loving each other.  We need to remember that staying sexually intimate with our spouse is a way to connect (and often fill the male's love tank - read the Five Love Languages if you haven't already!).  I believe that the next generation is watching and learning from us...every single day!  I have made it my goal to teach my children ways to stay close with their future spouse and enjoy the gift that God gave us!