Because God made me that way...

Hunter recently had a conversation with one of our friends about his obsession with the word poop. The conversation went something like this:

Kim: "Hunter, why exactly do you like that word so much?"
Hunter: "What, poop?"
Kim: "yes, poop"
Hunter: dramatic pause..."Because God made me that way!"

Interesting - very interesting...

Today is a sad day.

Three years ago today Lincoln, Hunter, and I started out to Rolla with so much excitement in our hearts. We were headed to find out if our 2nd baby (3rd pregnancy) was going to be a boy or girl! We were so joyous because we had made it past the first trimester (when we had our loss with our 2nd pregnancy).

We got to the ultrasound room and the technician had lots of "problems" getting the baby to wake up and move around so she could get good measurements. After both a regular and vaginal ultrasound she promptly told us that we were going to need to go down and talk to Dr. Cunningham. We didn't have an apt. with her that day, so we knew something was wrong. Luckily Lincoln's cousin was our OB Nurse and she took Hunter from us when we got down to the office. While we waited for our doctor to get back from a delivery we talked about everything that we could come up with. I recounted to Lincoln every medical thing I could remember from all of my pregnancy books. We agreed that no matter what the problem was we would be okay and God would pull us through it. Then Dr. Cunningham came in and told us the news. Our baby would not live after she was born. She was missing half of her brain. This was not something that we had ever discussed. Not something I had ever read about. Not something we thought we could make it through. Blessed, as we were, Jamiee (our cousin) called both of our Moms and had them come immediately to the office to be with us and take care of Hunter. Dr. Cunningham escorted us down to another office for another Dr. to do an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. Sure enough, he found the same thing. Anencephaly. A foreign word at that time, now the word has more meaning than I ever wanted it to. Dr. McCaul (the second doctor) explained the diagnosis to both of our mothers and us two more times and told us that our baby was a girl. Our first daughter. We left his office in tears and went back down to the first ultrasound room to get the pictures they took of our baby girl for us.

Though most of the day is now a blur of horrible memories, there are five things that I will forever remember crystal clear about that day.

1. I was shaking on the examining table while Dr. Cunningham was telling us the news so hard that Lincoln stood up to steady my shoulders. His touch was the most welcoming feeling I could've had at the time.

2. They escorted us through all the back doors so that we didn't have to go through waiting rooms and see other pregnant people or try to hide our tears. Even at the time I was extremely grateful for that.

3. Our first ultrasound tech (which we would go on to request for every ultrasound in our subsequent pregnancy) came down to Dr. McCaul's office and cried with us. She hugged me and whispered in my ear that she was so sorry that she couldn't tell me when she found it. She was so sorry that we had to sit and wait for Dr. Cunningham when she knew all along. And that she promised we would scan lots more babies together. I was so touched that she cried with me and apologized for something that she had no control over.

4. As we were coming out of the ultrasound room getting ready to leave the building Hunter was standing by the front doors with our moms and he reached out for me and said "Ma ma" - for the first time truly meaning me. God does give us little rainbows even in the mist of our biggest storms...we just have to look for them.

5. My pastor met us at our house when we got home. I'm still not sure who called him, but he had to had dropped whatever he was doing and ran to our home. How nice it was to have wise council to reassure us when we got back to the place where we already had the crib set up and now knew we would never be bringing a baby home to.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

What a challenge. It is so easy to want to "take over" and figure it out yourself. I have a belief that when God lays something on your heart he expects you to follow through. I don't think that he always smoothes the path in front of you. I don't think he always answers all questions before hand. If you are preparing to undertake a monumental task in your life and you have all the questions answered - it's probably not a God thing.

January Stinks...but March smells much better!

1. It's a huge let down directly following the holiday season.
2. I love visiting with our families over Christmas and then everyone goes back to their jobs and leaves me in my house with lots of kids and no adult interaction.
3. January 12th is the day that we were told that our middle daughter Claire would not live after her birth
4. My grandpa passed away on January 20th and every year my Grandma gets a little depressed. It's very hard to see her like that when she's almost 82 years old.
5. Our daughter Claire was born and died on Febuary 10, 2006. We burried her on Feb. 11th and that day is just as hard if not harder.
6. It's generally cold outside and I HATE being cold. The kids can't go outside and burn off energy and therefore are much harder to entertain with inside games.

By March I am always in much better spirits. I feel like the rains of spring come and wash away my sorrows. God sends me rainbows to look at, birds to listen to, and flowers to smell. Until then I just hang on...one day at a time.

Rut

Sometimes I get into a rut. I know we all do.

How do you deal with yours? Do you get a new job, new pet, new friends, new hobby? Do you go on vacation, cut your hair, take more time for yourself, have a baby? I think I've tried every single one of those things from time to time.

I find myself at the crossroads again...

3 Green Moves by Ashley

I have done three more "green" things this past week - two inspired yet again by Bethany. Without her I honestly think I might be totally nieve on this whole subject!

1. I ordered re-usable pads. Yup, I took the plunge. I haven't gotten them yet, but I'm VERY excited for them to come!

2. I did not bag my fresh veggies today at the store. Her voice popped in my head as I was pulling the bag down - "you're going to take them home and wash them anyway, why put them in a bag to "protect" them?"

3. This one is inspired by my sister (with a slight twist) - I am now refusing straws from waitresses. Why waste the plastic and paper when I don't need it? I used to ALWAYS use a straw at restaurants because I didn't want my mouth to touch the glass in case it wasn't very clean...but hello, I'm drinking the drink in that "dirty" glass! :0) Anyway - Kara always encourages me to leave the straw on the table, but I don't really think that they are going to put that back in the "to give out" pile - they are just going to scoop it up and throw it away - so now I tell the waitress "no straw" as she is handing me my glass.

I try to share all of my new steps with family members in hopes that they might do the same! :0)

So much to learn from a little one...

We can learn so much from watching babies.

Lincoln is horrible at multi-tasking. Actually - it's impossible. He CAN NOT listen and do ANYTHING else at the same time. So, I find myself saying to him, "Lincoln please look at me so I know that you're listening to me." I have to have eye contact in order to know that he's really taking in what is coming out of my mouth.

Graysen has started really blabbering lately. She gives people these long stories (not using any real words of course), but a lot of "L" tongue movements and other random sounds and mouth shapes. This morning she was sitting on my lap while I was working on the computer. She was talking away and I was responding to her with phrases such as "Really? Oh My! How interesting! I can't believe that! That's great." etc. All of a sudden she just grabbed my hair and whipped my head around to face her and gave me a very STERN "talking to"! After I continued to make eye contact with her she returned to her normal tone of voice. She wanted me to make eye contact with her so that she knew I was listening! She wanted me to stop multi-tasking and pay attention.

My - how much little ones know.

Recipe I've been wanting to use #1 - Pumpkin Pie

Well, I made my first pumpkin pie tonight. I used the recipe out of my Mitford Cookbook that I talked about earlier. It was really good! Nothing extra special about it - just a typical pumpkin pie, but I was pretty proud that I made it!

So - one recipe down from my list of "to makes"! I'm going to tackle the chicken salad tomorrow afternoon / evening - I'll let you know how it goes!

Tip to get your 4 year old to eat his food...

Alright, so those who know me best know that I HATE confrontation. I hate arguments. I will avoid them at all costs. So...some may say that what I'm about to tell you is wrong. That I should just be the parent and tell my son to sit down, be quiet, and eat his dinner. But - that's not who I am. So, this is what I have found works for us!

Hunter has always been a flighty eater. Don't get me wrong, he eats A LOT, basically all day every day, but he is rather picky with his food. We've gone through lots of stages over the years, starting with hiding food on the fork behind something else that he does like, cooking veggies in foods that wouldn't otherwise call for them, singing songs ( The bee goes buzzing around the barn, thought that he would do no harm, he went buzzzzzzzz), and most recently the "Tell me what your ____ thinks of it".

The rule is that he must take at least 3 bites of his meal before he is allowed to get down from the table. So, I give him a bite and say, "Hunter, tell me what your tongue thinks of it". He'll respond with "yucky, or eww, or surprisingly sometimes - YUMMY!" Then we move on to other parts of his body. Most of the time as long as I can keep coming up with body parts he'll keep eating the bites - well past number 3. You can always tell when he HONESTLY doesn't like something because when I go for bite number 4 he says - "no way mom, that was three bites!" Too smart!

Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook

I blogged about this cookbook (and the meat loaf recipe) just the other day, but I wanted to share some more of my favorites!

Baxter Apple Pie is the recipe that I followed for my very first apple pie. It turned out great!

The Doozie is one of Hunter's favorite sandwhiches. It's just peanut butter and cherios on bread, but I would've never thought of it before! It's very tasty, super easy to make, and I almost always have the ingredients!

The next recipes from the book that I want to try are Puny's Banana Bread, Cynthia's Pumpkin Pie, and Cynthia's Chicken Salad. I also want to make the Christmas Smell the next time we have guests over.

Lincoln is actually picking up the missing ingredients for the banana bread and pumpkin pie tonight after he gets out of practice - we might just have pie as desert tonight!!

I like meat loaf!

I really like meat loaf. I don't think that most people do, but I think it's great! I just recently started making it for my family. Hunter isn't a huge fan (although with enough ketchup and the "tell me what your ___ thinks about it" game he'll eat anything), but Gray and Lincoln love it as much as I do!

I use the recipe from one of my favorite cook books "Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook and Kitchen Reader". I ordered this cookbook after I finished the Mitford Series and craved more of my "lost friends". This book includes the recipe for every dish mentioned in the books (and there are a lot of them!).

Saute some green pepper in a skillet with oil. Mix 2 lbs. of ground round, 1 cup of oats, 2 beat eggs, sauted green pepper, 1 (8oz) can of tomato sauce, and some salt and pepper in a bowl. Press the mixture into a loaf pan and book on 350 for 1 hour. Take out, drain juice from pan, pour ketchup over the top, and put back in for 15 minutes.

My mom bought me my first loaf pan for Christmas! It's a Pampered Chef stoneware loaf pan and I used it last night (for meat loaf) for the first time! I LOVE it! It worked great, cooked very evenly, and was, as with all stonewear, super easy to clean!

It's okay: to my kids

Hunter and Graysen,

I want you to know that when you're a parent it's okay to do a few things that you'll probably feel guilty about.

It's okay to put your child in the highchair in front of the TV in order to get a shower in that day.

It's okay to let your child stay in their bed after they wake up as long as they aren't crying. Hunter, you woke up crying every time, but Graysen would sit in her bed and talk for a half an hour sometimes.

It's okay for your baby to be nursed past a year. It's also okay to continue using a bottle at bedtime a little over a year - there's nothing magical that happens on their first birthday...I promise.

It's okay for your child to have a Happy Meal for dinner because you're too tired to cook. (We all have those nights!)

It's okay for your house to be messy - as long as your family is happy.

It's okay to have "special days" (Hunter, that's what you call them) where you eat ice cream for breakfast, stay in your PJ's all day, and just lay around and watch movies together. Those are what memories are made from.

Two are twice the work

Two children are definitely twice the work...maybe more. I have had people in the past tell me that once you have one, there's not much of a difference in having more than one. I think they're wrong.

I'm so impressed with all the single parents out there with more than one child. You all are saints - I can only imagine your daily struggle to keep things fair, give equal amounts of love, time, and energy to each child when there is only one of you to go around. I find myself struggling and stressing over these things the three days a week when I am basically a single parent (my husband works 12 hour weekend shifts). I find myself losing patience much more easily when I can't escape to take a hot shower by myself at least once a day. Sad, but it's the honest truth of parenting.

I think back to the days of having only Hunter - wow, how easy were those! We were able to do all kinds of fun projects together without any struggle or interruption. We were able to snuggle to go to sleep every night. We were able to take car trips at the drop of a hat. Now everything is more complicated. Not that it's always bad - I wouldn't give up Graysen for anything in this world - but the simple fact is - two is at LEAST twice the work!

Things to Remember

1. When Hunter was a baby he called a cookie a "cook cook" - my sister just remembered this yesterday when we were trying to teach Graysen the word. It's amazing what you think you'll never forget...and then you do.

2. Hunter could NOT say the word "drink" for the longest time. He was probably three by the time he actually started pronouncing the word correctly on a regular basis. He called it an "ink" for a long time, and then moved on to "fink".

3. Graysen twirls her hair when she's going to sleep. From the day she was born she played with her hair when she got tired, but now it's long enough that she actually twirls it around her first finger and then pulls on it until it slides out of her hand. Her Grammie does this exact same thing!

New Years Resolution?

I gave up making a New Years Resolution lots of years ago. I don't believe in them. There is nothing about it being the first day of a new year that is going to motivate me to do something new with my life. I'm no more likely to start watching what I eat or exercising on Jan. 1st then I am any other day of the year. I believe that there are very few things that can change overnight, so why would the night of December 31st to January 1st be any different?

Instead, I like to take a look at my life and see what things I would like to accomplish over the next few years. Here's what I think my goals are going to be:

1. Continue working on becoming a better housekeeper
2. Decide upon a future career
3. Learn and cook at least 10 new recipes
4. Go a straight month without soda (but I say that one every year)
5. Continue to try to make God my number 1 priority, my husband my 2nd, and my children my 3rd. (2 and 3 often times get mixed up for me)
6. Start planning our next Disney World Vacation
7. Save two times the amount of money for our Christmas Jar as we did last year
8. Become more familiar with the stories of the Bible

New Years Eve

I love holidays because I love seeing how everyone chooses to celebrate them. I feel like I get to know each person better by viewing what they deem important as each holiday comes around. Not that any one way is the RIGHT way to celebrate a holiday, it's just everyone's personal choices. Some people think we're wrong for doing the whole Santa thing with our kids, we don't understand those who don't do it. Some people can't stand the Easter Egg dying fiasco - I bask in the messiness of it! We're all different - it's what makes the world go round...right?!

New Years Eve is yet another holiday that I have strong feelings about (I bet you're quickly learning that I have strong feelings about a lot of things huh?!). I am a firm believer in the statement "What you're doing at midnight is a picture into the next year of your life". Silly, I know. Superstitious - YES. Anyway you look at it - I believe it. I REFUSE to be without my husband and all children at midnight. I don't mind if we're out (although I would prefer to be at home), as long as we're all together. My ideal night would be to stay at home - possibly have one or two other couples over - and just play games, watch movies, and eat good food together. Snuggle my kids into bed with us and feel the safety and security that togetherness brings.

What am I going to do when my kids get old enough to want to go to New Years Eve parties with their friends? I'm not sure. Will I make them come home before midnight instead of staying the night? Possibly. I suppose we'll just see what my kids are like, who they are wanting to spend it with, and what the plans are. Hopefully they'll just want to throw the party at our house!! :0)

My husband and I struggled with this difference shortly before we got married. He was a partier. I was not. We did not spend our first New Years together while we were dating. He did end up calling me sometime in the night to come pick him up from the party and bring him back to my parents house...not a good situation. Our second New Years was spent together on the beaches of Hawaii watching fireworks. It was a good night. Our third New Years was a little over a month before we got married. We both spent it in STL, but him with his friends, and me with mine. Again, he called shortly after midnight for me to come pick him up. After we were husband and wife he grew up and realized that New Years in not all about partying, but about bringing in a New Year with the ones that you love.

Every December 31st is the start of another challenging year. It's a year that we'll go through ups and downs in our marriage. It's a year of disappointments and joys. It's a year of learning to be better parents while making some mistakes along the way. It's a year with losses and gains. You can be assured of these things no matter what year it's going to be.

Whatever you're doing a midnight I hope that you are enjoying yourself and those around you!

Staples

Every household has food staples that they keep in their house at all times. When a staple is gone, you definitely know it! I have started noticing since I've become an adult that every house has different staples. You would think that my staples would be the same as my mom's since I was raised in her home, but that's not always the case. I find this funny.

Here's the list of our staples:

Pantry:
Goldfish crackers
Cream of mushroom soup
Cream of Celery soup
Cream of Chicken soup
Nacho Cheese Soup
Brownie Mix
Cake Mix
Flour
Sugar
Fruit snacks
Syrup
Kraft Mac and Cheese
Hot Chocolate Mix

Fridge:
Milk
Chocolate Syrup
Ranch
Eggs
Ketchup
Mustard
Tortillas
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
Lunch meat
Sliced American Cheese
Caffeine free pepsi

Freezer:
Frozen Pizza (usually two)
Waffles
Ice cream (usually Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)
Juice


What is your most important staple?

Thanks for making me aware!

Obviously there are tons of reasons friends are great, but I realized one that I never really noticed before. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the specific friend. My friend Bethany ( http://thefabulousmrshaid.blogspot.com) has made me much more environmentally aware. I was never the type to stop and think about how I could help save the environment or how what products I purchased made an impact until I met her and became an avid reader of her blog.

I got a new set of silverware for Christmas - we needed it desperately! I finally got around getting them out of the box and into the dishwasher this morning and I was very disappointed when I realized that each individual piece of silverware was wrapped in a plastic bag! There were 72 plastic bags and several "filler" cardboard boxes in the package. It actually made me sad and I couldn't believe the company was so wasteful. I'm thinking about writing them a letter letting them know my feelings.

What would you say in your letter?

...

Christmas let down
Exhausted from four days of celebrating
messy house
sore throat
body aches and chills
impatient children

just want to spend the day in bed by myself!

God vs. Storm

I recently read this quote:

"Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is!"

I really stopped and thought about it. It's a great concept. I believe that every time I've had a storm brewing in my life I run to God and tell Him how big the storm is. I remind Him (as if He didn't already know) how much I need His help through the problems.

Maybe next time I'll just tell my storm to back off because my God is bigger!

You Learn Something New Everyday!

Two new things I learned:

1. A Basketball Ref circling his hand in the air means that there was an air-ball free throw. This automatically gives the other team the ball. (I learned this while Lincoln was quizzing me on all the Ref signs - lol)

2. People actually eat raw potatoes - and I HATE THEM! I literally almost threw up when I took a bite. YUCK.

Merry Christmas to All

Dearest Friends and Family,

Finally, 2008 has been a fairly quiet and calm year for the Redburn's! We have been so blessed this year with good health, wonderful children, and fun adventures together. Here are our favorite events from each month...

January started the new year off fairly quiet, and was filled with lots of basketball games and the purchase of our first replacement appliance as a married couple!

February is always a tough month for our family. Squished between the Super Bowl, Winter Guard, Valentine's Day, and our 4th wedding anniversary, is our middle daughter Claire's birthday. She would've been 2 this year.

March was a fun month with the end of basketball season (you can tell who is writing this letter can't you?) and Lincoln's 26th birthday. We also enjoyed celebrating the resurrection of Christ and Graysen's first Easter together.

In April Lincoln and I attended our first marriage seminar. It was a WONDERFUL experience. We learned a lot and continue to apply new concepts that we learned in those four days.

May was a very busy month for the Redburn family and started with a trip to the spa for me and the other women in my bible study group. Our husbands decided to pre-arrange everything for a special day of shopping, spa treatments, and dinner out for us in St. Louis. I also attended my second annual March of Dimes Walk this year. I was blessed to have both of my children with me (I was pregnant with Graysen last year when Hunter and I walked) and my Mom! The 11th of May was a busy day for us, as it was Graysen's baby dedication at church, Mother's Day, and Kara's birthday! There were lots of family members present at Gray's dedication and it was wonderful to be able to share that special day with all of them. I also had The Dance Studio Annual Recital the middle of May. Lincoln was a very supportive husband and got up on stage and danced with me! It was a first for him and he was WONDERFUL!

In June Lincoln and I started a new job - babysitting! We started keeping our cousin's little girl Libby this month. She fit right into our daily routine and we loved having her! Lincoln was able to go on an overnight float trip with the men in our bible study, and Ashley kept busy teaching week long camps at The Dance Studio.

In July we attended Lincoln's annual family reunion in Branson. We also had 4 friends add 5 new babies to their families! It was a GREAT month to celebrate the miracle of birth!

August was bittersweet with Hunter starting the month with his 4th birthday. We celebrated with his very first "kids only" Power Rangers birthday party! I turned 25 this month as well. We added two more kids to our daily babysitting and our lives became slightly more hectic with 5 children rather than just two.

September brought Hunter's first tumbling classes at The Dance Studio where I work. He loves them and looks forward to every Monday! Hunter also played on a 5 week Pre-K soccer town league. He loved being on his very first team and made sure everyone knew that he was playing on a REAL sports team!

In October Lincoln went on his annual Disc Golf Trip. It was the largest group ever as they traveled to Il for 3 days of disc gold madness! Halloween was fun this year with two kids. Hunter was a Rock Star, complete with torn jeans, a black leather jacket, a red electric guitar and red spiked hair! Graysen was a butterfly fairy in a precious pink, purple, and mint tutu' and butterfly wings. There were lots of trips to farms, pumpkin patches, and Halloween Parties.

November flew by with basketball season starting again, Thanksgiving, and Graysen's First Birthday! We had a pink, purple, and yellow cupcake party with a pin the candle on the cupcake game, cupcake pops for everyone, and a huge cupcake just for Gray!

December came all too soon and I started the month with a trip to Chicago with 3 of my good friends. It was the first time I have taken a trip without Lincoln since we've been married, and the very first time I've spent more than one night away from the kids. It was a great trip, but reminded me of how blessed I was to have such a beautiful home and family waiting for me to get back. Christmas was wonderful, this one being the first time Graysen was able to open her own gifts. I don't believe I will ever outgrow the magic of Christmas morning.

As I reflect on this past year I am filled with a peace that our life is directed by the The One Who Loves Us Unconditionally. How nice it is to know that He is bigger than any storm we may face!

Have a blessed New Year,

Lincoln, Ashley, Hunter, and Graysen Redburn

What's YOUR Secret?

I think everyone has secret desires. I'm sure they range from material things, relationships, occupations, living situations.. depending on the person and their life experiences. Sometimes you share the secret desires of your heart with someone. Sometimes you don't. I don't know about you, but I'm less likely to share them if I don't think there is a way for them to come true. I don't want people to think I'm silly, dreaming too big, or unrealistic. Hopefully everyone has SOMEONE that they can share them with. I don't share some of them even with my husband because I don't want him to stress over the fact that he can't provide it for me. I don't want him to feel inadequate. One person always knows the desires of your heart...God. I'm lucky to have Him to talk to them about. Sometimes, I find myself researching my dream and plotting a way to make it happen. When the overwhelming desire comes over me, I just say a silent prayer and thank God for the blessing that I do have in my life and bring myself back to the place where I am happy and content with where I am.

Good Mom, Bad Mom

I have a confession to make. After last night's wonderful "good mom" experience with putting things into perspective when Gray woke up at 4 I found myself in the "bad mom" position tonight. I want to watch a show that comes on in 10 minutes and I found myself giving Graysen her bottle thinking "hurry up and drink this thing - I'm going to miss my show!". HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??? I'm ashamed. I realized it while sitting there and apologized out loud to her - not that she knew what I was thinking anyway - and then to God. I realize that missing the first few minutes of my show - or missing it all together - is not the end of the world. They will play a re-run. Holy cow. Of course, she finished her bottle, put her down, checked on Hunter again, and saw that I still had 20 minutes until it started.

It's hard to go from Good Mom to Bad Mom - but the lucky thing is, is that God knows our thoughts, but He also knows our actions before we do them - and I know He'll always lead me back to being a good mom as long as I desire to follow Him.

Well - time for my show! :0)

Finally!

Ah, God knows what we need. I'm always amazed at how when I get to my breaking point He's merciful enough to give me what I need. Maybe not everything that I want, but at least what I need to find some strength and keep going. This is small, but isn't that where the miracles of everyday life are?

Hunter has never been a good sleeper. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 3 years old. Okay, so maybe he slept through the night like 5 times in those first three years. Yes, once he reached two it was usually just one time a night and he would come into our room and crawl in with us at some point, but...I was still woken at least one time every night. Graysen has been a much better sleeper (who knows if it's the kid or the adjusted parenting methods). Lately though, the past week or so, my kids have not been sleeping. Between the two of them I've been getting like 4 - 4.5 hours of sleep a night. Last night I felt like I might crash. Graysen went to sleep at 6:30 (maybe because she got up at 4:30 the morning before...) and I knew I was in for another horrible night. Hunter went to sleep at 9 and so did I. I was so tired I did not even hear Lincoln get up, around, and out the door. (It worries me a little bit that someone could be in my bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and open and close my front door without me hearing.) At 4:00 Graysen woke up. I came in, made her a bottle, and went into her room to feed it to her. As I'm sitting there I realize, she's been sleeping almost 10 hours already - she's probably ready to get up. DARN IT! But, I said a little prayer, possibly shed a couple of silent tears, and sat in the rocker counting my blessing on having a beautiful little girl who is in all other ways, a perfect child. I thought about my middle daughter Claire, who I only got to hold for an hour, and realized that this was NOT the end of the world. Thank God for providing me prospective in the middle of a bad situation. Before I knew it, I looked down and she was back asleep. Amazing. I gave her a kiss, laid her back in her bed, peeked in on Hunter across the hall, and went back to my own bed. I slept until 8:00 when Hunter woke me up.

That is my miracle for the day.

Tonight

Tonight I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone.
Nervous. New. Anxiety.
Couldn't get any worse.
Shouldn't fear, God is here.
Not setting any limitations on His plan.
Reconciliation?
Sharing. Learning. Loving.
Forgiving.
Just like God intended me to do.
Moving forward. Small, baby steps.
Please pray.

Christmas Cards

I'm always amazed at people who get Christmas Cards out BEFORE Christmas! :0) It always sneaks up on me, and I tend to forget all about the cards until I receive my first one in the mail! I'm big on including both a picture and letter in mine, so there is never enough time to accomplish this until after Christmas. So...mine are always New Years Cards. I wrote my letter tonight, but want to proof read before I put it on here. I would also like all of you blog readers to leave your mailing address so that I can get them out to you. I won't publish the comments so that your addresses aren't out there for the whole world to read...

Congrats to those of you who get yours done before Christmas...you're more organized than I am! :0)

The Christmas Sweater

I just finished The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck. Remenisent of Jason Wright's books, it was an easy read with a great story. This is a terrific book to read on the plane or in the car if you have travels ahead of you for the holiday season. Although the story was enjoyable, I thought the afterward was even better.

It made me sit back and think about how unappreciative we all are a children. It makes me sad to think that I have hurt my Mom like that a time or two I'm sure. We have no idea how much time and effort parents put into special occasions for us until we are parents ourselves. The stress of trying to provide a speical holiday for your children when money is tight is incredible.

It's a great reminder that even when the storm seems too big for us to handle, God is with us, wrapping His arms around us and keeping us safe and dry.

All is well.

Christmas Plans?

I always love hearing how everyone sets up their holiday schedules. Our lives used to be crazy busy during Christmas trying to get to everyone's house for every gathering and meal. We have been very blessed that last two years that the Redburn family has re-arranged their Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings so that all of Lincoln's siblings are no longer as stressed. Every family views different days / meals as "most important" and I enjoy hearing why...so share your stories with me!

Here is our holiday schedule:

Wednesday Evening: Bake a cake for Jesus' birthday at home and take it over to G.G's (next door) for Potato Soup and finger foods. This is always a drop in type of evening for my family - come and go around everyone's church schedules, etc.

Thursday Morning: 5 a.m.ish - We wake up at our house and see if Santa has come yet. Mom, Kara, Charlie, and G.G. come over. We open gifts from us and Santa. Usually we do our gift exchange between the rest of us at this point as well, but I think this year we're just going to do Santa gifts at our house. Then we clean up and rest up for the afternoon with extended family at one of my Aunt's houses. This year Christmas is at my Mom's, so I'm sure we will skip clean up and head over there as soon as Santa gifts are open to do the rest of the gifts and help her prepare food / the house for the family to come. I'm sure we will eat an afternoon meal with my Mom's side of the family and then head home. We usually try to go out and see Marcinda and Carl on Christmas evening because they are alone of the actual day.

Friday and Saturday are filled with meals and cookie baking with the Redburn's. Although we probably won't attend the entire Friday and Saturday festivities, we will be popping in and out working around Graysen's nap schedule, etc. They treat Friday as Christmas Eve and Saturday as Christmas with the main meal around 2:00 and gifts that evening after Lincoln gets off work.

It's so nice to have 4 days of festivities ahead of us, but exhausting by the time Saturday night rolls around! What are your plans this holiday season??

Excessive Mothering?

In what area of your life do you tend toward excess instead of moderation?

Hmmm - I'm really not an excess kind of girl. Although I'm sure others of you can think of many other ways that I'm excessive (and feel free to leave those on the comments..lol), here are the few that I could come up with:

1. Mothering - I'm a little overbearing I'm sure. I ALWAYS want to be with my kids. I just took my first trip away from the kids and spent more than one night away from them. I am constantly thinking about how what I am doing and what I am saying is molding my kids into who they are going to become. I am trying to invent new ways to make memories for them. Ways to record our lives together (such as this blog). I can admit - I'm excessive.

2. Birthdays - I've talked about this a lot on this blog, but I love birthdays. I love birthday parties. I am excessive in party planning.

3. QFT - Also known to the outsides world as "Quality Family Time". Although we don't get nearly enough of this, I am obsessed with trying to create opportunities for us to have QFT. So - if I could be excessive in this area of my life - I know I would be.

4. Party Food Preparation - No matter the occasion (friend get together, holiday, birthday party, baby / wedding shower, dinner to a new mom, etc.), I go overboard with the amount of food that I prepare.

Lull

I've hit a blogging lull. I was gone a few days to Chicago and when I got back I thought I was going to be SO anxious to get back to blogging...but...I've got nothing I feel is blog worthy. I've got several prompts ready from oneminuteblogger.com, but nothing I feel inspired to really answer.

Instead, I'm going to make some Christmas cookies at my Mommy's with some dear friends and family - THAT I'm inspired to do! :0)

Obesessed

You know you're an obsessed blogger when something happens in your life and you think - ah, I can't wait to blog that.

You know you're a mom when you can't remember what that was by the time you get to actually sit down and blog.

Oreos and Milk hold a special spot in my heart

My earliest memory is sitting on a bed in a tiny little room with my Dad dipping oreos in milk. We were in Korea at the time and I must've been 2 (I think - correct me if I'm wrong Mom!). I don't remember much except it was a little room with a bed on the right end (where my Dad slept) and a dresser in front of it, and a pallet on the floor to the left of it where I slept while my Mom and I visited Dad. I don't remember a single other thing about that trip except that night, sitting Indian Style on the bed with my Dad dipping oreos and milk. It must've been my first time dipping anything in milk...it was so fun! To this day that's one of my favorite snacks - yum, wish I had some right now!

What is your earliest memory?

Not worth it?!

I have a bracelet. Apparently it's not worth much money. I recently took it to two local jewelers asking to get it repaired and they both told me that it wasn't worth enough to fix. Here in-lies my problem. It's worth it to me. This is the bracelet that my husband gave me on our first Christmas together - not our first married Christmas, our very first ever together. It's the bracelet that I wore every day for 3 years. The bracelet that I felt when we were a few hundred miles apart and I was missing him very much. The bracelet that I wore even through our break-up, that reminded me of our feelings for each other and gave me hope that we could work things out.

Shortly after we got married my bracelet broke. One of the links broke and I could no longer wear it. I put it in my jewelry chest and kind of forgot about it. A few months ago I saw it and decided I wanted to get it fixed. I love the bracelet and it has such fond memories attached. Unfortunately I was "turned down" by the two jewelry stores in town. They both said it would cost much more than the bracelet was worth to fix it. Yes, I could have demanded that they fix it anyway, but, after their attitudes, I didn't want to give them my business. My MIL suggested that I take it to a little bead shop downtown and see if they could fix it.
The bracelet is not beaded, so I was skeptical, but it was worth a shot, so I took it in and what do you know...they fixed it over night. For $2.50!

Amazing what a little persistence will get you! :0)

My meditation play list

Here's my i-Tunes play list that I play late at night when I need some time to myself to reflect on the day that has just passed.

1. Word of God Speak by Mercy Me
2. While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns
3. Tonight I Want to Cry by Keith Urban
4. Tonight by FM Static
5. She's My Kind of Rain by Tim McGraw
6. I Melt by Rascal Flatts
7. Raining on Sunday by Keith Urban
8. Ordinary Love by Rascal Flatts
9. My Wish by Rascal Flatts
10. Open The Eyes of My Heart Lord by Mercy Me
11. I Love to Love You Out Loud by Rascal Flatts
12. Lost by Anouk
13. I Love You Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel
14. You're All I Need
15. Black Balloon
16. Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

What great parents they're going to make!

I am so inspired by some friends of ours. They have talked about how much they wanted a family since before they even got married. When they decided to start trying for a family they started buying baby stuff. They have closets full of boy and girl clothes. Tons of toys. They discussed parenting techniques They are READY. The only problem is that they can't have a baby. After enduring lots of testing they have decided to expand their family through Ethiopian Adoption! They have put so much time and effort into their children and they don't even know them yet! They have bought a new house that is big enough for several children and has a fenced in back yard. They have painted and set up the kids room. They have fundraised for this adoption in so many ways - from selling pizza cards, home made jewelry, and signs, to running a marathon - they have made this dream come true through hard work and faith in God.

Right now they are about 1 - 2 months away from getting their referral (seeing their children's faces for the first time!!!!) and then they will travel thousands of miles across oceans to pick up their children and bring them home. I can't imagine how anxious they are right now, but they are handling it with patience and grace. Simply amazing.

Every single day the last few weeks I have woken up wondering if today is the day that THEIR baby might be born. Or if it is already born what new milestones it is hitting. What it's eating that day, praying that it is comforted...that somehow it knows that Mommy and Daddy will be coming soon.

Guys - we are so proud to be your friends. We love you both and your children. We can't wait to meet them and shower them with gifts and love. You are constantly in our prayers and thoughts. WE MISS YOU!

Blogging: New Marriage Counseling Technique?

You'll never guess what my husband came home from the store with yesterday...

A FROZEN CHEESE PIZZA!

Yup! He read my blog the other day and when he was stopping by the store on his way home from work today to get milk he picked one up for me. What a guy!

Music in my life

Sometimes music plays a huge role in my life. I remember times through late high school and into college that I am honestly not sure what I would've done without my CD player. I remember laying in my bed listening to CD after CD. Sometimes escaping my problems, other times working through them with the help of the artist and the lyrics. Often times I realized how small my problems were in comparison, other times I finally felt validated by a particular song. I used to fall asleep with music playing. I have gone through so many phases in my musical choices it's not even funny! Growing up I remember listening to a lot of country music. I think my dad liked it. When I started dating my first boyfriend I began to listen to a lot of Christian (DC Talk, etc.) and Jazz (Louis Armstrong...). When I started dating Lincoln is shifted to Rap (Nelly...) and more "alternative" music (like Dashboard Confessional...). When I finally decided to listen to who I really was, I find that I love artists like Whitney Houston, Martina McBride, FFH, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, etc. The lyrics are way more important than the artist for me though. Lincoln can hear a song once and know the lyrics...I can hear a song once and know the tune, but am far from learning the lyrics.

When I had Hunter I found that I didn't have the time (or make the time anymore) to listen to music, but lately I have re-kindled the love and am finding myself drawn to new music and new lyrics. I hope they continue to transform me like the used to.

My cousin, My scar

A blog I read daily, http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com, has tons of great writing prompts. Usually I just think through my answer, but sometimes it sparks a memory so great that I have to share it on here.

Share the story of how you got a scar:

I really only have two scars. The first is huge on the top of my left hand. It looks like 1/2 of a set of butterfly wings. I got it when I was about 4 (maybe 5). I was living in Washington DC and was playing school in my bedroom upstairs with a friend. I had one of my grandmother's lamps on a table that I was wanting to use as a desk. It was an old fashioned lamp with the really thick antique glass. As I tugged on it to move it from the table (it was plugged in), it flew out of my hands and shattered mid-air. A piece of the glass sliced my hand, pulling a flap of my skin back. My mom took me to the hospital where they put butterfly strips on it. No stitches - but quite the scar!

My second scar is the one I'm most fond of because it brings back so many good memories! It was the last few days of school and I was in the 8th grade. It was warm outside - warm enough in May to be wearing a swimming suit while running around my yard with my best friend - my cousin. We lived on a gravel road off the main road and our mail box was at the top of the long gravel road, so we decided to ride the lawn mower up to get it rather than walk. (Lazy, yes, I know, but I believe that we had been sun bathing or something and the sun had zapped our energy.) So, my cousin and I hop on the 1 rider mower and head up the road to get the mail. We were young, silly, and not very smart. When we got to the top we decided that she would slip her foot off the break and I would slip mine on. (I was sitting on the back of the seat and she was in the seat driving). Well, our timing didn't work out as well as we had hoped, and the lawn mower lurched forward. I feel off the back of the seat (obviously) and landed (in a swim suit) on the OPEN motor. Yikes! My butt was BURNT! I don't remember much of the ride back to the house, but I do remember being scared to death to go in the house and show my mom what I had done. I'm still, to this day, not sure why I was scared to show her, because we hadn't done anything wrong, and she had never over-reacted about anything silly like that before, but none the less, I made Jayna go in to my grandma's bedroom and prep her. I had tears running down my face from the pain as I showed my mom and grandma my charred (literally) bottom.

The kicker is....it was a Sunday.

Now, this does not sound like something would be recall FOND memories, but it does. When I think about it I remember all those lazy days with my cousin and the fun we had together before our lives got so crazy and busy. Now she lives half way across the country and I only get to see her during the holidays. I miss her like terribly and wish that we could be closer and share more of our lives together.

I love you Jay - and my scar!

Hunter's life...

If I were to "map out" what I believe Hunter's life will look like; this is something of what I would imagine.

I think that Hunter will play sports (football, basketball, baseball, etc.) all the way through High School. I also think that he will be in either band or choir - something musical. I think he'll probably have a girlfriend, but nothing serious because he will be to focused on his sports (no, not education, unfortunately - lol). I do think he'll make good grades because he shows such an interest in learning already, but when there's an opportunity to play a game that involves a ball or learn about letters, he'll choose the ball any day! I think that he'll probably go to a university on the East Coast and play ball of some sort. Sometimes when I think about him leaving and going that far away I get tears in my eyes - already...he's only 4 years old!!! ha ha - silly Momma! I think that he'll meet a wonderful girl in college and will end up getting married shortly after graduation. Right now I imagine him finding a career in either construction management or sports / physical therapy. He has always said he wants to be a builder, but he loves sports and trying to "fix" the people who get hurt while playing. Obviously this will change over the years, but since I'm making a guess right now, I'm guessing based off of his current interests and comments. I think he will have a couple of children and hopefully move close to family.

** I thought it would be interesting to have this recorded so that years from now I can look back and see how WRONG I was! :0)

I am a baby-wearing, breast-feeding, apron-wearing, cookie-making kind of girl.

Alright - usually I am the farthest thing from the typical "feminist". I believe that it is the woman's job to make her house a home for her husband and children. I believe it's the husband's job to make a living for his family (but the wives to learn to run her household within his salary.) I didn't even want to go to college because I always just wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. (My Dad demanded that I go.) I would rather stay home and take care of the kids, cooking, and laundry then get a job any day (okay - MOST days). I am a baby-wearing, breast-feeding, apron-wearing, cookie-making kind of girl.

The following conversation with my sister made me stop and think though. (NOTE: the exact conversation is not exactly remembered...but this is the gist of it)

Kara: "Why do you only buy supreme frozen pizzas?"
Me: "Because that's what Lincoln likes"
Kara: "Why does it always have to be what Lincoln likes?"
Me: "Because I want to make him happy"
Kara: "What about making yourself happy sometimes?
"
Me: "Well, because he's my husband I do whatever I can to make him happy"
Kara: "You're ridiculous"
Me: "You have to pick your battles when you're married and the marriage seminar that we went to suggested that if it's not immoral, un-ethical, or no one is getting hurt to give into the wants of the other person."
Kara: "So what if you want cheese and he wants supreme - who wins then?"
Me: "obviously Lincoln"
Kara: "I'm SO not going to be like that"

True. I never thought I would be like that either. I never imagined myself being the kind of wife who bought the food her husband liked and sacrificed some of the foods that I like. I never thought I would make the sacrifices that I make everyday and don't even think about anymore.

I'll be honest, sometimes I wish I could become selfish again. Even for just a few days. I wish I eat whatever I want, sleep whenever I want, go wherever I want, when I want. I envy my sister and her girlfriends for being able to run up to Applebees at 9:00 for 1/2 price appetizers without giving anyone else a second thought. I envy the fact that she gets to sleep in and not worry about going to the late movie because she knows that her child might wake up for her first night time feeding before she gets home.

But...someday I'll be "there" again. Someday Lincoln and I won't have any kids in the house anymore and we'll be able to do all of those things.

Hopefully we won't be too tired to do them by then.

Mary Did You Know?

What a great song. It really makes me stop and think. Obviously Mary knew that her child was special because she got pregnant without ever having sex. Who WOULDN'T know that was a special situation? I think it's disappointing that the Bible doesn't tell us more about Jesus as a child. There are a few stories of course - like the one about him separating from his parents to stay at the temple, but not too many about what it was like to be a parent to Jesus as a child. Do you think he acted up or was he always perfect? I mean, Jesus brought us the 10 commandments, so there wasn't an "obey your parents" commandment for him to break. It sounds funny to me, but in all seriousness - I would love to know what discipline techniques Mary and Joseph used with Jesus...or if they even needed any. Maybe he was perfect.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that youve delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
Youve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb?
This sleeping child youre holding
Is the great I am


When I think about Hunter and Graysen and all they have ahead of them in this world it's so overwhelming! Then I think about my parents and wonder if they pictured me turning out the way I have.

I wonder if I have fulfilled all of the "hopes and wishes" that they had for me or if I've been a disappointment in some areas. I'm sure they didn't imagine me being in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years of my young high school life. I'm sure my Mom never pictured paying for a college degree in something as useless as dance. I'm sure my Dad never imagined the day when we no longer had a relationship because of decisions that he made. I can bet that my Mom didn't fathom that I would get pregnant before I was married and that she would stand by and support me all the way.

What will become of my children? What will they do or not do that I imagine in my mind right now? It's funny how parents get an idea in their head of what activities their children will be interested in growing up. What they will do in college and how they will spend the rest of their lives.

Death

My camera died today. I'm sad. It was my very first digital camera. A gift from my mom one Christmas. It's been coming since about 2 weeks before Halloween. I'm glad I got all my pictures off of it. I feel as though there's been a loss in the family.

I'm lost without it. Help.

Cupcakes Galore!

Yesterday was Graysen's First Birthday Party! As a side note, I love birthday parties. I know I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but today reminded me of why I love them. It's not because I enjoy myself at them, it's because I see the smiles on other people's faces. I love watching the kids interact, the excited screams as they chase each other with balloons, as the candy falls out of the pinata, the icing smeared all over their faces. I soak it in as I watch my friends and family interact, seeing the expressions on people's faces while in the middle of a deep conversation. I love playing hostess - before, during, and after. I love the anticipation of the day, the weeks building up to the party, all the little projects laying on every available surface of my house, a constant reminder that the day is coming, and I get to celebrate the birth of my child with those that I love. What's NOT to like about it?!

I hope that as my children grow older and look back on their birthday parties over the years they are able to see, through them, how much they mean to me!

Memories of Gray's birthday

Graysen,

Today you turned one. I was very scared a year ago today. I wasn't convinced that even though you were born that God would let me keep you. Yes, I loved you when they laid you on my chest, but I kept a distance in my heart. You have torn through that wall and I can not imagine life without you ever being in it. You have saved me. You have restored my faith in the good of the world. I will forever be grateful for that.

I'm amazed at how you have developed over the past year. You are a beautiful little girl, both in and out. I adore your big brown eyes, your sweet blonde hair with wisps over your ears and on your neckline, and your fingers that wrap around mine. I love the faces you make with your cheesy smile and scrunched up nose; your teeth with a space between the top middle ones, the way you have 4 on top and only 3 on the bottom. You have such a calm personality. You are an extremely happy baby, only recently have you started to weary of strangers. You bring such joy and happiness into our home.

Last night as your Dad and I lay in bed we talked about what our lives were like a year ago. We went to the hospital on the evening of the 27th thinking that we were going to be induced and have a baby. Once we got there Dr. Karrie Cunningham came in and explained that there had been some miscommunication. We were only to be observed, not actually induced. Your Dad and I tried to convince her to let us stay and go ahead and have the baby (I was already having some natural contractions), but she explained that if there were any complications with you when you were born she would rather it not be in the middle of the night when every emergency response team is a bit slower. That's all she had to say, we were okay with going home, only to return in less than 12 hours. Hunter was spending the night with Grammie, so we just left him there, as not to confuse him. We came home to an empty house, knowing that the next time we entered we would have TWO children with us. It was so hard to fathom at that point, and so hard to imagine the opposite now, just one year later. We got up in the morning and had to check in at the ER entrance. We went upstairs, started the pitocin, and we were on our way! It didn't take long for Mommy's contractions to kick into high gear...I knew you were going to come fairly quickly. Grammie came to Rolla and dropped Hunter off with Rita Wells. She came on to the hospital and helped your Daddy try to comfort me during the toughest of labor. By 9:30 we knew that you were going to be here very soon and we called Aunt Sissy out of school (she was going to cosmetology school in Rolla at the time), Grandma from work (she was working at Triad in Rolla) and Rita to bring your big brother. Aunt Sissy got there right after the nurse told me I was a 10 and was able to give me a quick hug before Dr. Cunningham came in to deliver you! There was an intern with her and so she showed him how to do everything. I pushed one time and there you were! You were 7 lbs. 1 oz., 20 inches, and were born at 9:51 a.m. You were READY to meet your family! I should've known then you were going to be a very easy going baby! Although there weren't any major complications you had trouble keeping your body temperature up, so they wisked you away to the warmer very quickly after you were born. Our family was able to come back, but just to see us, Dr. Sean McEnaney was looking you over in the nursery. You took to nursing pretty well, although you weren't very interested after you went into your "sleep stage". I even called the lactation consultant in for suggestions on ways to wake you up and make you eat! We wanted to get out of the hospital and back home as soon as possible, so we left the hospital 26 hours after you were born.

I think every girl wants to know the story of her birth, so there it is. Your birth was a wonderful experience. Holding you for the first time was like nothing else in the whole world. We had prayed for you for almost 2 years before you were even conceived, and then we continued to pray for you the entire 9 months that you grew in my tummy. You are proof that God does answer prayers in the way that we hope at times.

Today, your first birthday, was a fairly quiet day around our house. You have a cold, runny nose, cough, breathing difficulties, so we gave you lots of medicine, nose wipes, and breathing treatments. Mommy baked about 70 cupcakes for your birthday party on Sunday and Aunt Sis, Grammie, Charlie, and Jamie came over for cake after dinner. We sang you happy birthday. You weren't real sure what to think about it, but after we were all done you decided it was good enough to clap for. :0)

I love you with all of my heart - you have made me into who I have become over the last year, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Moving Song

This is a new song to me. We sang it in church last Sunday and I was just especially touched by the lyrics. I thought others might be as well. Often times I find myself getting so caught up in the noise and commotion of the world that we live in. It was nice to voice the chorus.

"Word Of God Speak" by Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Lincoln "The Great"

My husband makes me laugh. We are currently sitting in the kitchen. He is doing the dishes at the sink and I am sitting at the computer ordering Christmas gifts. I say to him, "oh man - I have to write a new blog for tomorrow, all of mine have posted". His response? "Write one about how great I am!" LOL Whew, comic relief! I laugh and he says, " that should be easy right?!" After a louder laugh from me, he responds "you can say that I said that too! Just start the post...as Lincoln was slaving away at the sink today..."

What a crack up. But seriously, I am blessed with a great husband. He is wonderful at listening to me and making me feel better about whatever the situation may be. He cares about my physical and mental health and always encourages me to do whatever it is that will make those things better. When I actually express my needs he is always there to meet them (he cleaned the entire house yesterday!!!).

I am Thankful.

What Moves Us to Tears?

After the sermon on Sunday I got to seriously thinking about this question. The pastor presented us with the question at the beginning of the sermon.

So - what moves us to tears? Do you cry over the things that hurt us directly? The things that make us sad. Or...do you cry over the things that God would cry over? What is the difference in the things that move us to tears vs. the things that move God to tears?

I have come up with a brief list of some of the things that have moved me to tears in the last week:

1. My daughter blowing me kisses when I walked in her room to get her up a few mornings ago
2. Thinking about and feeling the pain of losing my middle daughter almost 3 years ago
3. Thinking about my daughter's 1st birthday that is coming later this week
4. The thought of not having any more children
5. My son's attitude a few nights ago

I thought more in depth about each of them:

1. These were good tears - something that made me so extremely happy! I think God may cry when we blow Him kisses too! That's how much He loves us!
2. Although I know it's normal to cry when we experience loss or feel pain, but God isn't crying over Claire not being here with me. He's happy that she's in Heaven with Him...so maybe I should just look forward to the day when I can be there with her!
3. Again - a bittersweet kind of crying...
4. I shouldn't cry over this! I am so very blessed to have two healthy children here on earth with me. I should focus my attention and energy on raising these two!
5. This was more of a fear of failure in myself. My husband and I have tried so hard over the last 4 years to balance discipline with self-confidence. Being a parent is such a challenge - never knowing until it's too late whether you did the right thing or not. Overall Hunter is a wonderful boy - I'm sure every parent wonders what happened to their "sweet" child at some point or another.

What things move God to tears though? Do we cry for the babies who never get a chance at life because their parents made the decision to abort them? Do we cry for those who are homeless on the street and no one gives them a second chance? Do we cry for those around us who don't know the love and saving grace of our Heavenly Father? I believe in my heart that those are the types of things that move God to tears.

Maybe we should stop being so "all about me" all the time and think about what makes God cry everyday. What can we do to help eliminate His tears? Isn't that what we try to do for others that we love? Try to fix things so that they aren't sad, hurting, etc.? Haven't we all said "I'd take the pain, sickness, hurt, if I could"? Let's try to do that for God!

Doing the impossible

A blogging friend of mine has recently written a couple of posts about how hard it is as a woman to keep up with everything that is expected of us. Although I empathized with her at the time of her posts, I wasn't feeling overwhelmed with my own life at that point. Well - the time has come. I'm overwhelmed. I know this is the same as every woman feels, but sometimes it's just nice to vent right?

Don't misunderstand me - I have a wonderful husband who is very helpful when it comes to keeping the outside of our home in order, repairing things that are broken around the house, taking care of the children, etc. Unfortunately, he's just not too helpful when it comes to the inside of our home. I find this odd because I know that he had chores while growing up. Pretty much he leaves the cleaning and picking up to me. That would be fine if I only had to pick up after myself and the children...but I don't. He is famous for leaving his dishes by the recliner or on the bedside table, shoes all over the living room, dirty clothes in the floor, and trash on the counter.

I hit my wall last night and made a chore chart. Yes, I'm aware he might take offense to this and that it seems extremely elementary. I'm not saying that we'll post it on the fridge and get stickers or anything, I just want something to use as a guide. Something that he can look at and know what needs to be done and how he can help me around the house.

I'll let you know how it goes. ;0)

To Read List:

Here is my list of books that I would like to eventually find time to read:

1. The Professors Wives Club
2. The James Miracle
3. All We Know Of Heaven
4. Captivating
5. Do You Think I'm Beautiful?
6. The Christmas Sweater
7. The Difficult Child
8. A Million Little Pieces
9. Sunset
10. Twilight
11. The Mommy Diaries

If anyone has any other suggestions for me to add or have read any of the above books and would like to give me their input on them I would greatly appreciate it! :0)

What do you hear?

I'm listening to my home right now. I hear the muffled sound of the washer and dryer running behind the closed laundry room door. I hear Charlie and Lola in the living room (they are regular guests of ours on TV...). I hear a bird outside in the tree. It's a crisp sunny day outside. I hear the clicking of the keys on my keyboard as I type.

I also hear my own thoughts. Do I make this house a home? Do I do enough to keep it presentable, functional, and cozy? I know I don't. Sometimes I feel as though I could do a better job, sometimes I feel as though I'm tapped out; like I'm extended to the fullest extent. Sure, I should use these minutes blogging to unload the dish washer...but sometimes I just need some time for ME!

Here's my list of things that I do for me that I will NOT let myself feel guilty for:

1. Blogging
2. Baths that include shaving my legs
3. Reading my book for less than 30 minutes a day
4. Time spent on choreography
5. Taking a walk

That (not so loving) feeling

Do you ever make a decision and then regret it?
Do you ever wish you would've stuck to your guns a little longer?
Wish that you had put up a bigger fight to get what you wanted?
Wish that you prayed a little longer about it?

Do you ever feel sick to your stomach when you think about it?

whew. I hate that feeling.

Volunteer Work

If you had the freedom to do volunteer work for three months (with all barriers removed such as finances and childcare,) what would you do?

I saw this question on a blog that I read daily and I was so excited to answer the question. Then I sat down to answer it...


and nothing. I had no idea where to start! I have so many things I'd love to do, but how could I possibly pick one?! I want to volunteer in a pregnancy resource center, I want to travel overseas and work in an orphanage, I want to work in a home for battered women, the list is endless.

What would your answer be?

80's fans beware...

I have never been a huge fan of the 80's. Odd because I grew up during them. I thought I hated the off the shoulder shirts, stretch pants, bright colored costume jewelry, and leg warmers...but I was wrong, I have come to love each of those styles as they have recently come back around. If I had to choose one clothing trend to never come back I would venture to say it would be the scrunchie. Let me be more specific. Those huge cloth covered rubber bands that come in all colors and fabrics. If I ever see someone wearing one again it will be too soon... I'm all for hair bows, ribbons, colored rubber bands, clips, etc. It's just something about those scrunchies. :0)


What past clothing trend do you think should never come back in style?

Comfort Food

Does everyone have a comfort food? Yes, I eat for comfort, but I don't have a specific food. I think I might be the minority on this one. I love holiday food - holiday food in my family includes 7 layer salad, turkey, ham, green bean casserole, rolls, corn, pumpkin pie, and apple pie. These are the staples at any holiday gathering. Of course there are many more mixed in there, but they differ year to year. If it's not holiday time I eat anything. Cheese-it's, brownies, spaghetti...basically anything in my house that is unhealthy.

Why is comfort food never healthy for me?!?! (aside from the quantity of it I eat...I'm talking about the type of food...)

Love, hate, lucky

I love to cook dinner.
I hate to clean up the dishes afterward.
I'm lucky I have a husband who will do that for me.

Pampered Chef Closing...

Just wanted to let all of you fellow bloggers out there know that I'm getting ready to close my Pampered Chef Party tomorrow! I honestly am not one to do these kinds of parties, but I love their stuff. I own tons of it and use it every single day. If you are interested in browsing through the stuff you can look online. You may place your order at the website below or call me and I'll do it for you.

Remember all the unglazed stoneware is 20% off right now!!! That's a great deal for all of your holiday foods that are waiting to be prepared! :0)

http://www.pamperedchef.biz/jshaner

The next stage...

I'm entering a new stage of my life. Okay, so really it has nothing to do with me, but since this is my blog I'll tell it from my perspective.

My mom is engaged. Yup. She says she's not calling it that, but that's what it is. Charlie (Charles, Char, Chaz, LC, Chuck, etc.) bought her a beautiful diamond ring. She's wearing it on her left ring finger. It's an engagement. My mom is getting married!

I'm happy for her. I really, honestly, can say that I am. Until the past 6 months or so I don't know that I could've said that truthfully. This has been a long time coming, a long hard road. My dad left us almost 6 years ago and Mom met Charlie 4 months (or so) afterwards. He's been around in one capacity or another ever since. He was there for my wedding, the birth of all of my children. He has helped me through lots of things over the past 6 years. Whether or not he knows it, I feel like we have an unspoken connection, an understanding that only comes from people who have experienced what we have. Charlie is a wonderful man.

It's odd to say that I'm going to have a step-dad, or step-sisters. Only little kids have those things. That's something that a child of a broken home grows up with. I am not one of those children. Although the "technical terms" of things like that sound odd to me, I am happy to say that Charlie will be a wonderful addition to my family.

Welcome!

TWLOHA

Check it out. I dig it.

http://www.twloha.com/index.php

Let Down...?

Have you ever built something up so much in your mind that it's then impossible for it to go as smoothly as you had pictured it? It seems that I let myself do this all the time! I have a real problem with change, I'm able to admit this, but if I have something in my mind then it should just go that way - no matter what! Very unrealistic, I know.

Take Christmas Tree Putting Up Night for instance. (And yes, it should all be capitalized, it's a proper name - like Christmas or something. ha ha) I had this picture perfect night in my mind with Christmas music playing, Lincoln, Hunter, and I putting the tree up, Graysen playing with the santa dolls and a few ornaments. All gathered around the stove making home made pizza and then eating it under the lights of the tree.

What I didn't picture was a husband who was VERY tired (but trying desperately not to act like it), a son who had an ear infection and was acting up more than usual, a strand of Christmas lights that were burnt out, a daughter who would pull every ornament off the tree as soon as we could put it up there, a kitchen that had to be cleaned, a pizza that took twice as long to bake as I had guessed it would, and me, putting the rest of the decorations up by myself after the other three had gone to bed.

I have to admit, I am rather proud of myself. Despite the "set-backs", we had a wonderful evening together and I didn't stress out one single time. Amazing. Lincoln even commented to me how impressed he was before heading off to bed...that's how I know I was truly successful.

A Good Daddy Memory...

One of my favorite memories of my dad from my HS years was the time that he took me to the Fox on Homecoming night. I can't tell you what show we saw...actually, I couldn't even tell you if it was homecoming, courtwarming, or prom. All I remember is that I didn't have a date and my Daddy came to the rescue. Instead of me having to go to the dance alone he bought me tickets to the Fox, and we had a date together. We planned to be home about the same time that the dance was getting out and we had the usual post-dance gathering at my house. My mom was home and got all the food ready for my friends and they were all there when I got home from my date with my daddy. I had the best of both worlds that night, a date with my dad, a show at the Fox, and a slumber party with my friends!

My dream spot

One day I'm going to have a "spot" in my home. I'm going to have a cozy corner in a spare bedroom where I have a chase lounge and a tall stand lamp. It's going to have a cozy throw blanket over the back of it to tuck in around my feet while I sit and a small antique table beside it to put my ice tea and book on. I'm going to curl up there by myself and read my book and sit on my laptop...

Someday.

Coupon Codes

Maybe I'm way behind times - but... Yesterday I finished ordering the stuff for Graysen's birthday party. In MOPS last week we were discussing frugal living and someone mentioned that you can google coupon codes and come up with all those codes that give some sort of a discount when you're online shopping. I decided to give it a try. So, I found a site where all you had to do was type in the store that you're shopping at (online) and it gave you a variety of codes that did different things. I found one that gave free shipping for orders over 40.00. Luckily mine was 52.00! I typed it in and what do you know, I save 9.95 on shipping!!! Awesome! I was so excited. For about 60 seconds of work I saved almost 10.00! Just wanted to share, obviously it was thrilling to me!

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder what a particular day means to someone else?

I always get a little depressed around the holidays, it's not a good thing, but it's a fact. There are several things that I feel contribute to this slight depression that I have.

1. The stress of buying Christmas gifts.
2. The stress of splitting up the days between families.
3. My dad left our family on Dec. 26, 2002.
4. My grandma had open heart surgery in November 2002. Although she pulled through and is a very active 81 year old, it was a very scary and hard time on my entire family.
5. My grandpa died on Jan. 20, 1994 and my grandma has always struggled with depression around this time.
6. Claire was born and passed away on Feb. 10, 2006.

So, within a 4 month stretch my family has experienced a lot of downers over the years. While I was thinking about this the other day (and trying to find perspective to overcome it), I thought about a close friend of the family. He and his first wife lost 2 baby boys within days of each of them being born. Although I know this fact about his past, we have only talked very briefly about it two times in the almost 6 years that I have known him. Once being when I was told I had Strep B when I was pregnant with Hunter (this is what one of his boys passed away from like 26ish years ago), and again when Claire passed away. He recently told me that just like I look at 3 year old little girls and think about what Claire would be like, he looks at Lincoln and thinks about what each of his boys might be like. He has never told me their birthdays or days that they passed away. It makes me wonder what I've been doing on those days over the last 6 years and if I've been insensitive to his bad moods.

So there started my deep thought process on what any particular day might mean in the life of someone else. February 10th for me is a bitter sweet day, the day I got to meet my first daughter, and also the day that she left me to go to Heaven. For another family that I know in STJ February 10th is a wonderful celebration of their first daughter's birthday.

I'm going to make it my goal to be sensitive to others lives, moods, and feelings. You never know what may have happened on a particular day many years ago for them.

Hippie Me

Yeah, call me odd. I just realized tonight that I'm going to miss nursing when it's over. I only got to nurse Hunter until 9.5 months because of the medicine that they gave me during my miscarriage. I thought that I missed it then due to the promptness of it's end and that I was shorted 2.5 months. I thought that if (God granting) I was able to nurse for a full year this time, I would be totally satisfied. For a short period of time (around 10 months old) I was satisfied. But now I'm not. Maybe it's the hormones. Maybe it's the 1st birthday party planning. Whatever it is, I'm not ready to give it up. Sadly, I have a 3 day, baby-free, trip planned a few weeks after Gray turns one. I suppose I'll just play it by ear when the times comes, but I am by no means going to "cut" her off by November 28th. Maybe I'll take my pump with me on the trip, maybe I won't. We'll see how my heart feels by then.

p.s. - I'm not at all sad about my trip, just about the implications it has on my nursing...after re-reading that it sounded like I wished I wasn't going on the trip - that, my friends, is not true at all! :0)

Tigers vs. Bulldogs

We are a STJ Tigers family. My husband was born and raised a Tiger. I purposefully shop for winter clothes in Red and White for the entire family. Lincoln is a Tiger coach. He lives and breaths this job. The rivalry that he felt while playing on the court from 97-00 is still alive in him today. The Rolla Bulldogs are our sworn enemy. Maroon and Gray are never welcome in our home.

Lincoln has bred this into Hunter since the day he came home. Lately Hunter has found a great new way to ruffle his dad's feathers. He is constantly wanting to be the Rolla Bulldogs rather than the STJ Tigers while playing games. I've given up on correcting him. He knows exactly what he's doing. The look in his eye when he says it cracks me up. He never says it when Lincoln isn't around - then he's always the STJ Tigers!

**As a side note - I was never really a Tiger growing up. Maybe it's due to the fact that I never stayed at one school very long in my younger years, maybe it's because I never played sports of any kind in HS, but I never felt a loyalty to the Tigers. Since Lincoln has started coaching I have to admit that I am more a Tiger now than I've ever been. During the '05-'06 school year I learned a lot about being a fan, a coaches wife, and loyalty to something other than my family. Since then I've been kept away from games more than I'd like (due to pregnancy and newborns), but I am looking forward to getting back in the stands this season and seeing what the Tigers have lined up for us! :0)

STJ ALL THE WAY!

Christmas Music

I made my Christmas playlist on i-Tunes today.

Tomorrow's job is to download the Harry Connick Jr. Christmas CD and add it.
Tuesday's plan is to clean out the corner of the living room for the tree to go up in.
Wednesday's job is to get the Christmas lights on the house (okay - so that's Lincoln's job)
Thursday's plan is to decorate the living room
Friday is TREE PUTTING UP DAY!

I've never been as excited about Christmas as I am this year. I am NOT going to stress over the fact that all the gifts are not bought and we don't have the money to do it. I am not having to stress about splitting up the day this year, we're going Christmas Day at my Mom's and the Saturday after at Redburn's. Charlie bought Graysen's Christmas dress for me today and Hunter has a nice suit from Merilee (or CJ, which ever way you want to look at it), so the kids clothes are covered already. Everything is falling into place this year and I'm going to sit back and enjoy every minute of it!

Tinkerbell

Everyone must see the new Tinkerbell movie!!!! We rented it last night and it was WONDERFUL! I dare say it's my new favorite Disney movie! Yes, it's girly, but Hunter loved it - he found it very funny and there are boys in it as well, so don't count yourself out if you only have a son. It's magical.

Only my baby

I love the smell of Graysen in the middle of the night. While I hold her close she rubs her hand through her hair then reaches for my face. Her hand smells like a mixture of baby soap from her nightly bath and sweet smelling sweat from her hair. It's a wonderful mixture that only a mom could cherish. I inhale as deep as I can and try to lock it away in my memory. I hope that I can recall that smell even when I am old and gray.

Words to live by

Yesterday Hunter was having an especially hard time laying still and quiet for rest time. Lincoln on the other hand was not.

Eventually this was the conversation:

Ashley - "Hunter, just do it like Daddy is"
Hunter - " Do what like Daddy does?"
Lincoln - "Pretty much everything son - those are just good words to live by"
Ashley - "Not full of yourself are you honey?"
Lincoln - "Ha ha, just couldn't pass it up."

Thought it was pretty funny. The lucky part is, I can actually say I would be a very happy Mother if Hunter did follow those words of wisdom.

Undefinable

I had a fun two hours tonight. It's amazing how you forget what your "old" life was like after you've gotten married and had children. Since I don't get out of dance until 9 p.m. on Thursdays (after my kids are already in bed) I decided to go over to my mom's tonight to visit. My mom and sister and I laughed more in those two hours then I have in two weeks. I love being with them. Now it may sound as if I don't get to spend much time with them which isn't true. In fact, I see them almost every day - but usually it's with my kids. There's something very freeing about being with two of your best friends without your kids. Something amazing happens. I can't put my finger on it, but I do know that it's fun. Just plain fun. We didn't do anything spectacular, we sat around the computer and laughed at things online, we laid in my mom's bed and talked. It didn't matter...it was fun.

I love you girls. Thanks for reminding me of who I am deep down at my core.

Black

Ah, the irony of the color black.

1. Black clothes - positive: shirts, pants, doesn't matter, if it's black - I'm going to like it. negative: Old black clothes - the faded look just depresses me.

2. Mom's - positive: slimming. negative: spit up, snot, etc. all show up BAD.

I'm just not sure if the pros outweigh the cons...but I do know this. I want to be able to dress up wearing black and go out for a night on the town and not worry about snot or spit up on me.

A Thankful Month

In honor of Thanksgiving I am going to start an "I'm Thankful For" list - kind of like my "Like / Dislike Lists". I'm not going to re-post everyday, but I will go back and add to this post everyday of November.

1st: Today I'm thankful for a day full of eating Halloween Candy with my son. Today is the day every year where we eat candy all day long. Doesn't matter what time or if you ask first - the day after Trick-Or-Treating is a free for all.

2nd: I'm thankful for Sundays. These are fun days for my family - we get to go to church (soon as a whole family!), then eat a big lunch (usually with my mom and sister), and then relax the rest of the day. There are no expectations of us on Sundays, just a day to be together as a family.

3rd: I'm thankful for a job that I love. I'm so lucky to influence young people in both life and dance. I'm thankful that I get to share my skills and I smile every time I say something that I remember hearing one of my teachers along the way say to me. I love to see their smiles when the concept finally clicks.

4th: I'm thankful to live in a nation where we have the right to vote. I'm thankful to all of those who have served fighting for our nation and those nations who are less lucky than us.

5th: I'm thankful to be a Christian and know that God is in control of every situation. No matter what the American law says I have the right to raise my family to believe what the Bible says and follow the laws of God.

6th: I am thankful for being able to socialize with other mom's. Although some parenting decisions are different we are all mom's and can relate on some of the struggles and highs of being such.

7th: I am thankful that my children have inherited the love for music that their father and I have. While neither one of us are talented enough to create music of our own we do love all kinds of music. I believe that we have both always been this way. There is a rare day that goes by when we don't have a music / dance session in our living room. This is what is happening right now and I am greatly enjoying watching Lincoln recline in his chair, close his eyes, and soak in Jack Johnson today. Hunter is shaking his booty all over the place, and Graysen is standing in one place bouncing up and down. What a wonderful family I have.

8th: I am thankful for a mom who values my children and their development. My mom is great at making learning fun for my children. She is constantly coming up with new games to play and is always on the floor with them doing one thing or another. Such a terrific grandma!

9th: I am thankful that I have a family who understands and supports the fact that I still mourn the loss of our middle daughter Claire. Amazing that she would be 3 in February and some days are still harder than others. I had not shed tears over her in a long time but I did last night. I will always miss her.

10th: I am thankful for a steady income. There are so many that work on commission or have seasonal work. Although we have 5 small incomes between the two of us, they are all steady work and pay the necessary bills.

11th: I am thankful for friends of many talents. Some of my friends are great listeners, some always know how to make me smile, some are wonderful to pitch in around my home helping me do whatever it is that needs to be done, some are photographers, some are musicians, some are great cooks. Whatever YOUR talent is, thank you for being my friend. I appreciate each and every one of you.

12th: Whew, today is a tough one. :0) I am thankful for a husband who is willing to help me with the baby sitting kids even though it means that he doesn't get a single day off every week.

13th: I am thankful that people are gracious when I am not a good cook. I failed miserably on my first lasagna try tonight and my mom, grandma, and husband all ate it...and didn't give me too hard of a time! ;0)

14th: I am thankful for family traditions. We put up our Christmas tree tonight and it was so nice to have a family night, just the four of us doing such a fun activity together.

15th: I'm thankful for my health.

16th: I am thankful for my kid's laughter. It can brighten any moment.

17th: I am thankful for the little perks of the holiday season. This year Walmart is giving us a 10% discount on EVERYTHING in the store starting today and going through the 1st of the year! Yea for discounted holiday food! :0)

18th: I am thankful for considerate friends. A friend of ours volunteered to keep our kids this afternoon while Lincoln and I had a lunch date at Applebees. How nice to be able to sneak out for 2 hours in the middle of the day!

19th: I am thankful for Christmas lights! Lincoln put them up outside today and I am looking forward to driving home after dark and seeing them!

20th: I am thankful for days that I feel motivated. Today I am getting all the laundry caught up in our home.

21st: I am thankful for my kids who behave in public.

22nd: I am thankful for my sister being a stylist. It's amazing how much a new hair color or cut can make you feel better about yourself!

23rd: I am thankful to have a caring father figure in my life.

24th: I am thankful for routine. Somedays being to feel monotonous, but all in all, I love having a routine that I can depend on from day to day.

What turns around your day?

I am having a bad day. It started last night when I went to bed with a headache. Then I was up practically all night with a teething baby. One of the kids I'm baby sitting today is extremely fussy - one of those days where nothing really helps. Lincoln had an orthodontist appointment this morning and got there only to find out that he needed his Etainer (sp?) so he had to turn around and come home to get it and then go back. When he called to tell me this bad news. I just cried. I'm tried and I have two fussy babies (teething Graysen being the other one)...and now Lincoln's trip out of the house has just been extended. I apologized for being in a bad mood - he understood...

Then he walked in the front door with an IC Moca from STL Bread Co.!!! Bless my husband. He just wanted to try to do something to make my day better. What a man. I'm so lucky. I had a feeling my day was turning around. Then a friend of mine stopped by to visit and she offered to take Hunter with her to the library. Hunter loves going to the library and he loves going with other people, so this was great for him. They left and Graysen went down for a nap. The fussy baby is currently happy sitting in the floor surrounded by toys, and I'm getting to blog while sipping my IC Moca.

Amazing how one little act of kindness from someone can turn your day around!

The question...

Recently I was visiting with a very good friend and she was telling me about some retired NFL player who came to her church to speak. She said he was speaking on the role that a father plays in his children's lives. For a son, a father teaches what is expected out of a husband and father. For a daughter he teaches what she "deserves"; how she should expect to be treated from her future spouse. She said that the speaker said that every girl is born with a question in her mind:

Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Do I deserve to be loved?

When I first heard that I thought - oh that's silly. Not every girl is that insecure. But the more I think about it - I think he may be right. Deep down girls - haven't we always asked ourselves that? Maybe some of us were lucky enough (myself included) to be raised in a family (and with a father) who filled those "voids" for us - who answered those questions...but some of us weren't so lucky.

I am blessed to have had a father who made sure I understood the answers to those questions until I was old enough to have a husband. I am further blessed to have a husband who reminds me daily of the answers and already (unconsciously) is answering them for our almost 1 year old daughter. Thank God for good dads.

The One and Only

Here is my one and only political post. You may be offended by what I'm about to say. If so, I apologize, I am just using this space to vent this evening, as I have reached my fill with the political field.

I am SO tired of hearing everyone's opinions. Yes, I understand that everyone has the right to voice them. But I also have the right to not listen to any of them.

I was raised in a household where elections were not discussed. I'm not sure my mom knows to this day who my Dad voted for ever. Did my parents watch the debates and do their research - like every responsible American citizen, of course they did. But did they debate the issues between each other? Not ever in front of me. Did they put signs in their front yard or bumper stickers on their cars proclaiming their "candidate of choice"? NO WAY. This year especially I have pondered where the secrecy of their feelings and actions stemmed from. I can't help but believe that part of it was that my father was in the military. He was going to be responsible for answering to the future President of the United States. He was going to follow his orders whether he agreed with him or not. Thus, I grew up believing that this was a private issue that is not to be discussed with anyone else other than God.

My husband has never, and will never know who I vote for at each election though our married life. We simply do not discuss it. We try to educate our son (who is only 4) on the importance of having an opinion, understanding what politicians stand for, and voting on election day. We have tried especially this year to help him learn each of the candidates names and what role the President of the United States plays in our country and lives. I feel like this is our parental duty. He must grow up understanding our country and the way it works to eventually become a responsible, involved citizen.

I think that many people view my lack of expression as a lack of interest or disagreement. This is not at all the case. I simply do not want to hear your opinions, be swayed by anything but facts, or listen to someone bad mouth and rant and rave about our future President. I think it's disrespectful. I was recently in a room full of people who were debating issues (although they were all on the same side - go figure that out...). When I didn't speak up during the entire conversation they took that to mean that I supported the opposite side. Ha ha. Not true. I was in total agreement with everything that was coming out of their mouths, but I just chose to keep mine shut.

I just don't understand why people feel the need to send forwards to others "pushing" their opinions on matters, why people post things on websites such as blogs, facebook, myspace, etc. Do you really think that everyone that is going to read them is that uneducated, that stupid as to not form their OWN opinion?

I just don't get why people don't keep their opinions to themselves. (That was a general statement...I don't understand that about every subject, not just politics.) I honestly TRY (and don't always succeed - obviously, or I wouldn't have posted this blog), to keep my opinion to myself unless asked for it. Why can't everyone do that?!?!