5 years

Today is Claire's 5th birthday. I'll be honest. It snuck up on me this year. It's not as if I didn't know what date it was, or that I only had "x" amount of days before her birthday, I just didn't allow myself to think about it in detail. I didn't want to sink into a depression like I have every year in the past. I wanted this year to be different.

But, it's really not.

Lincoln and I with our precious bundle

I'm still grieving the loss of my daughter. I'm grieving the life that she was never given, the curls, and dresses, and princess play. I'm grieving the joy of another daughter, the sister bond that she would've had with Graysen, the gift of her presence in our home.

I allowed myself a few moments last night to get out her scrapbook and photo album and skim through them. I didn't cry, just had a sick to my stomach feeling realizing that that's all I have of her. One tiny photo album (which contains mostly pictures of us before and after her birth), and a scrapbook with the imprints of her tiny hands and feet on the front.

I'm kind of numb and in shock.

Our proof that she was really with us.
Her hand and foot prints.

I had dreams of the six of us taking five birthday balloons out to the cemetery today. Dreams of having a quiet day with Graysen and not pressuring myself to do anything that I didn't want to do. Dreams of baking cupcakes to celebrate tonight.

But, life presses on, and instead of those things, the boys are out of school and I'm taking Hunter to the dentist, and Graysen to the doctor for a mysterious lump on her leg, and Blake to the only black hair stylist in the area. We won't be going to the cemetery because the gates are closed due to the weather. We'll still bake cupcakes, but I'm sure the day will also be filled with discipline and frustration.

On days like today, I just don't want to deal with it.

So - Blake, Silas, Hunter, and Graysen...I'm sorry if you watch a few more movies than you would regularly, or play 2 or 3 games of X-Box Football...I don't really think you'll mind though.

The hand out that we gave at her funeral.

My mantra for the day is:
God works ALL THINGS for my good...
and
He is good ALL THE TIME.