Alright - I'm starting this post aware that it is going to be a downer...so...if you're not in the mood to be down and depressed...don't read this! lol (At least I'm aware when I'm being negative right?!)
I've had a serious case of the blah's lately. At least this time I know what it stems from. One of my friends recently found out that she and her husband were expecting their first baby...and then found out that the baby passed away. She is also struggling with some other medical issues (not the cause of the miscarriage)...so it's a lot compacted on top of each other. I don't even really know how to describe it - except that every time I know someone who is going through heartbreak over the loss of a baby I find myself reliving my losses. Feeling not only the pain of seeing a friend suffer through heartbreak, but the pain of my own heartache.
I guess I should look at it in a positive light - that I'm able to feel the emotions that my friend is feeling and live it with her so she's not alone...but that doesn't help. I know that NOTHING helps when you're going through this, and so that makes it even harder for me. I don't want to say anything because I know from experience, that nothing anyone says makes it better. At least those who haven't been there have some hope that they can do or say something to ease the pain. I know there's no hope. I know the agony of starting to bleed and having to wait weeks for it to go away. Every single second is a reminder of your loss. I know the feeling of not even being able to drive yourself anywhere because you can't focus. Walking around aimlessly trying to continue to work and put on a "good show" for everyone. Crying at the drop of a hat and the questions from people who don't know that your baby has passed away. Trying to hide from everyone who doesn't know so that you don't have to respond should they happen to make a comment about your pregnancy. This all sucks. That's the only way to describe it.
Another one of my good friends said it best the other day..."sometimes I feel like I'm running in place". That's where I am. I feel like I have moved past my losses, that I'm doing a great job continuing to live until something like this happens again and I get stuck. Stuck in the rut of my own sorry emotions. Feeling like I haven't really healed at all. Like I'm still going through the miscarriage, being so emotionally and physically drained that I slept for 24 hours straight after my all nighter in the ER. Going into my next pregnancy with Claire being so excited to get past the first trimester that I didn't think anything else could go wrong and then January 12th came and my baby girl didn't have half of her brain. Shock. Still as I write those words I wonder where in the world did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? The months of going through the motions after she was born and died. Still I drive through the cemetary and sometimes don't have the energy and strength to get out of my car.
When will all of this pass?
Sigh.
1 comment:
I hear you.
I don't think there are answers to that last question you asked, if it will ever pass.
Perhaps I just lived a a perfect bubble before, and bad stuff didn't happen, so I didn't have "practice" enduring crappy times.
Maybe bad stuff happens so you can relate better to others who also have bad stuff happen. I don't know though, because if no bad stuff happened to anyone, then we'd still relate okay.
I miss talking to you!
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