Tears

"Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak."

I am a crier.  This is no secret.  I don't know that I've always been like this, but since my first pregnancy I feel like the hormones have just never gone away.  It may be that I'm just more sensitive to people and situations around me since becoming a Mom.  I often get embarrassed that I cry at the drop of a hat.  I cry over songs, while reading books.  I cry while talking to professionals, I cry when I'm spending time with my kids.  I am just a crier.  

I am going to try not to be so ashamed of my tears from now on.  I would rather cry during a prayer, story, song, or conversation daily than never to cry.  I would rather people know that I am invested in them.  It's nice for them to know that I care about them and the topic that we're dealing with.  

What moves you to tears?

Q&A #7 - my bucket list!

Q: What is something on your "bucket list?"

Here is a bucket list that I made in October of '08: (current additions are done in red)

1. Witness a miracle - Done, although I didn't know it at the time, my son Hunter is a miracle. With the genetic disorder that I have I shouldn't have been able to have him without being on medication.

2. Visit Rome and Venice

3. See my children grow up and accomplish their goals

4. Go to a ballet with Lincoln

5. Be debt free (and have a savings to pass on to my children) - In the process, we have started the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University program...so we are on our way!

6. Provide a home and loving family for a child who needs one (other than my two biological children) - we are well on our way to adoption, making this goal a reality! :0)

7. Make a difference for God - never know, I am not sure I will ever know whether I accomplished this one or not until I get to the Kingdom. It's just something I will forever be striving for!

8. Get a tattoo - (this is something that I waver on...I want one, but can't come up with an idea that I feel good about having on my body for the rest of my life, so when I finally come up with one, I'll do it!!!) I believe that I am going to get my children's footprints (from their birth certificates). This is the one thing that I will have of ALL of my children. They have made the biggest footprints in my life, so I think this is an appropriate "design". Still not sure when I'll get up the nerve to do it, be willing to spend the money on something like that, or decide where I want it...but someday...!!!

9. Totally and Completely not stress over Christmas gifts one year

10. Throw someone a surprise party

11. Adore every piece of furniture in my home.

I don't really know of anything else that I could add to it right now. I'm not one to really "wish" things. I work very hard at being happy with what I have right now. I'm also not a hugely adventurous person, so I would never have sky diving or skinny dipping or anything like that on my list... ;0)

What is on YOUR bucket list?!

Progress...

I've learned to accept the fact that progress in adoption is going to be slow. I'm no longer getting stressed out about the fact that we won't have our DTE (Dossier to Ethiopia) in June. Hopefully it will go in July. Hopefully we'll get a referral before the end of the year. Emotions range so vastly these days that some days I'm complacent and others I'm very anxious. Some days it feels very manageable, others it's extremely overwhelming.

Today we actually marked a lot off of our Dossier list. We had all the papers ready (except for signature) and just went to the bank and sat with someone while they notarized the whole stack! Now we only have 7 more things to do! Some of them I'm extremely confused on (like getting the POA apposiled from the state or something like that?!)...but I plan to email AAI this weekend and hopefully get an answer on Monday so we can get it done next week. We still have to wait on our home study and our Education Certificate, but I hope to have everything that I'm in charge of done by the end of next week.

Life Changes = Paradise!

Warning: This post is definitely going to come across as bragging. I am sorry. Generally I'm not too much of a bragger (I don't think...), but some days I can't help but brag on my life. I'm SO BLESSED!

Several of you have asked me lately how it's going now that I'm not baby sitting anymore. The answer is GREAT! Don't get me wrong...I do HONESTLY miss the moms dropping their kids off every morning. I do miss the kids, seeing their smiles, their interactions, their milestones. (I already hear that one of the babies is walking since leaving here! I can't wait to see it!) But, I have to be honest and admit that what has happened in our lives in the last week is EXACTLY what we dreamt would happen!

Hunter has begun playing by himself and using his imagination much more (like he used to). He isn't talking back to me nearly as much. I think that his bad attitude was truly due to the fact that I was not paying nearly enough attention to him. He was acting out because that was about the only time he got one on one attention from me. Yes, this makes me extremely sad and feel VERY guilty.

Graysen has stopped asking for a bottle! :0) She hasn't mentioned it all week, so I take that as a great sign. She is much more loving toward me. Cuddly all the time - I love it! We've also gotten in a pretty regular schedule of taking a nap at 2:00 every afternoon. It was hard with the other kids because she only likes to sleep in her crib and if one of their naps ran long or came early and were in there she had to wait...it wasn't a good thing.

Lincoln and I are able to spend a lot more time communicating. Amazing how much of our time together was spent feeding, changing, and playing with babies!

My home is feeling much more serene to Lincoln and me. There are no more toys in our living room. We actually have a coffee table! :0) My laundry has decreased drastically! I changed Graysen's bed sheet and blanket every night, and now I only have to change it once a week or so! After we deep cleaned our home and purged literally about 50% of our belongings before our home study appointment. I have been able to keep the house completely picked up and clean! I dust one room a day, vacuum every day, and since I'm actually able to play and do activities WITH my kids, we pick them up before we move on to another one. I do one load of laundry a day, fold it, and put it away. I make the beds every morning. My kitchen table is used for eating meals on, and the dishes are done as they are dirtied. This is literally the first time since moving into this house a little over 2 years ago that I feel like it's big enough for us, like I'm no longer claustrophobic! :0) We have started doing small home improvement projects - nothing major, but making a little headway. (I have to remember that it's not even been a week since we've been done yet!) We got a new bedspread for our room and painted the back wall to match! :0) We've made plans to paint the living room and have bookshelves built surrounding the fireplace.

We've been up by 7:30 every morning, dressed before 9:00 and out of the house running errands or visiting with people before noon! I was very concerned about being one of those moms who never got out of her PJ's, but it's not happening! :0) Yippy! We've done all kinds of errands, gone to the library, had friends over for dinner, visited with family, gone to a MOPS function, and taken lots of walks.

I feel like I am re-bonding with my kids. We are establishing a new kind of relationship. I feel like I am proving to them that I am going to be there for them every day, no matter what. I am not going to put them off because of anyone else. They are my first priority. I want them to know three things: 1. I am going to love them always - no matter what. 2. There is no problem too big for me and 3. They are good people - inherently good even when their behavior is not.

I love my life right now. I love the fact that I feel like I am finally contributing to the well-being of my family. I may not be bringing in much of an income, but I feel like I am doing something so much more important. I am taking care of my kids and our home...the best way that I can. I finally feel like it's good enough.

Thank you God for allowing me this opportunity. Thank you for providing financially for my family so that I can focus on raising the children that you loaned us. I pray everyday that I am doing the kind of job that You would have me do. Please stay by my side through this new adventure. I am going to need You. Amen.

Dance MY Heart Out!

I always find myself wondering about people's occupations.  What brought them to that job?  Do they enjoy it?  What do they really do there all day?  

Several people have asked me about my occupation as a Dance Teacher.  Here is the story of my journey to becoming a Dance Teacher:

I started dancing at age 3 and took it very seriously all the way through High School.  Then I started the search for a college...  I was fully planning attending Mizzou and majoring in Education.  I had looked into Lindenwood University and their dance department, but decided against it because it was a private university and so much more expensive than Mizzou.  After two of my best friends in High School decided to go there, I looked again.  They encouraged me to apply for scholarships and see what it would really end up costing.  So, I did...and just a few weeks before school started I changed my mind and decided to go to Lindenwood University in St. Charles rather than Mizzou in Columbia.  

I withdrew from MU, and enrolled last minute at LU.  I started my "freshman" year at LU as an education major and decided to take one dance class just to see what the department was really like.  I fell in LOVE!  I loved the professors, I loved the facilities, I loved the other students.  I knew I needed to spend my college years with those people.  

So, at semester I changed my major to Dance and spent the next 3 semesters surrounded by some of the most wonderful, eye opening people I've ever met.  I made some awesome friendships with people from around the world that will last the rest of my life.  I spent from sun up to sun down dancing my heart out, learning new things, exploring my body, and finding new ways to express myself through physical movement.  I found that a few hours in the studio by myself or with a group of other dancers could release stress that had been building up for weeks, or months, or even years.  

When I graduated from college I left behind an awesome environment, and group of people, and started a journey that would take me in the  complete opposite direction of the dance world.  I moved back to my small home-town of STJ, started working as a receptionist at a doctor's office, got married, and had our first baby.  I loved this new adventure and life and didn't realize for several years that I was missing a part of me.  Dancing.

After our first daughter Claire passed away I was constantly searching for new ways to cope.  New ways to express and release my grief.  One day some of my best friends from the Dance Dept. at LU called and said that they wanted to do a dance about my loss at a women's convention in STL.  I knew after attending that heart wrenching performance from women who loved me very much, that I needed to dance again.  I needed whatever it is that comes to me, and releases from me when I'm dancing.  

I started my search.  It wasn't an easy one due to where I live.  There aren't many options around here.  I was so out of touch with the dance world that I didn't even know anything about any of the studios.  I didn't know where to start, so I just opened the yellow pages.  I called a few studios in surrounding towns requesting schedules and information about their advanced classes.  I had a few studios tell me that I wasn't allowed to come to class because I was an adult.  I had a few not return my phone call after leaving a message about being a 23 year old mother who was interested in getting back into dance.  

Finally, I found The Dance Studio.  Megan called me back the same afternoon that I left the message and explained that although I would be the oldest in the class I was more than welcome to come and try out her Advanced Ballet class that Thursday night.  The conversation flowed easily and she ended up asking me if I would be interested in helping teach her competition team or ballet classes.  

I went in that week and everything just feel into place.  I loved everyone there, we just "fit" together.  Megan has always been very easy going as far as letting me teach whatever classes I wanted to and fitting them into my schedule.  She is totally understanding about my priorities and the fact that my family comes first.  We have become great friends and I am lucky to feel as though her family is part of my extended family as well.  They treat me like a sister or daughter and my kids like their own.  

I currently teach 8-18 year olds ballet, tap, jazz, competition, pointe, pre-pointe, and stretch and strength.  Each class lasts between 30 minutes - 1.5 hours.  I get to interact with kids of all walks of life and teach them not only dance movement, but life skills like waiting for turns, listening to adults, getting along with others, and self discipline and motivation.  

This is my dream job and I am so blessed that I am able to do it!!

Dossier Checklist

Talk about a daunting task!

In an effort to make my Dossier look more "manageable" I made a check list of all the papers that needed to be gathered / notarized.

There are 25 lines to be checked off.

I currently have 6 check marks.

Talk about depressing.

So...in an effort to make myself feel a bit better I put stars next to the ones that I had "underway"...you know, have dropped the letter off to be written, have written, just need to be notarized, etc.

Luckily there are 13 stars! :0)

I have hopes of getting 4 more things actually checked off today! Wish me luck!!

Q&A #3 - my home...

Q:  If you could redecorate one room in your house, which would it be and why?

Oh my!  What a question!  I would redecorate EVERY room in my house if I had no budget!!!  :0)  Our house is rather small, and only recently have I felt like I have room to move in it!  We own SO MUCH that there is no way to display it all in our home, although I've tried for a long time.  Finally, I've given up and put some things in storage and gotten rid of A LOT!  We have a lot of "hand me downs" from my Mom, which has been a life saver, but it doesn't mean that it's exactly what I would choose if I had the money to go out and buy anything!  

We are trying to make it a priority to redecorate our bedroom.  We realize that one thing that we can do to help strengthen our marriage is to have our bedroom be a "kid-free" sanctuary.  We are slowly working on it.  We've got all the plans laid out, now it's just waiting for the chance to make it a reality!  I want a new bedside table, an overstuffed chair, new bedding, and curtains, and paint color.  

In the living room I would like to rip out the carpet and put hardwood flooring down.  I would like to paint, trim out the window, build bookshelves on either side of the fireplace, and get a new couch and loveseat.  (I don't ever ask for much, do I?!)

I am actually very happy with my kitchen and laundry room, although I would like to have a flat top stove...other than that I'm very happy with those!  

Graysen's room is beautiful...I honestly can't say that I would change a thing...until she's out of her crib of course!

Hunter's room is awesome as well, although I can't wait for the day when we get to buy a bunk bed!! :0)  I might buy Hunter a new dresser - it's a hand me down - if I was changing out furniture in his room and definitely have a custom made basketball headboard for his bed!  

The scariness that is...

My car!

I need tips.  How do you keep your car clean?!  I would like to say that this is a problem that has just developed since having kids and that it is all their stuff, but that would be a lie.  I have had this problem since I went to college.  I lived out of my car in college because I was constantly changing clothes from dance to regular.  I was living between my dorm room, the studio, home, and Lincoln's apartment.  I had to have most of my things with me at all times.  

Now I have no where to live "between".  Yes, I have kids, but they are both old enough to not really need a diaper bag (which should contain the mess technically...).  Why does my car have sippy cups, plates, wrappers, clothes, toys, papers etc. all over it?!  Why can I not just carry in the house what I carried out each trip?  

I clean my car about once every 3 months and vow to keep it that way .  It always lasts about 2 weeks and then it's disgusting again.  We're not talking a few here people.  It's FULL.  

(yes, I'm aware that some of you are probably disgusted right now...but I'm all about being honest.  There are no airs with me folks!)

Any tips, suggestions, motivation speeches?  I need whatever help I can get!

Q&A #2 - my adventures...

Q:  What is the favorite place you've ever lived... and why?

Let me start by listing the places that I've lived:

0-18 mos:  Ellsworth AFB, SD

18 mos - 2.5 yrs:  STJ, MO (Dad was remote to Korea so Mom and I lived with my Grandparents)

2.5 - 5 yrs:  Bowling AFB, Washington DC

5 - 3rd grade:  Papillion, NE

4th - 1/2 of 5th grade:  Swansea, IL

1/2 of 5th - 7th grade:  Elmendorf AFB, (Anchorage), AK

8th - 12th grade:  STJ, MO

2 years of college:  St. Charles, MO

I have several important "milestone" memories from each place I lived.  I also have great memories of "best friends" from each place that I lived.  Overall, I have to say that Alaska was my favorite simply because of the atmosphere, people, activities, and landscape.  

I have no memories of SD, although we went back to visit one time and I did love Mt. Rushmore...very cool, a must see for every family.  My sister was born and I got my first puppy when we lived in Washington DC, so I have very good memories from there.  I made some great friends in Illinois and made some wonderful "childhood" memories playing with them.  We were also finally close enough to visit Grandma and Grandpa, cousins, aunts, and uncles regularly, so I enjoyed the weekends that we would come to STJ.  Alaska was my favorite...it was almost like living in a foreign country because the people and culture are so different there than here in the lower 48.  There is an endless supply of "outdoorsy" things to do during all seasons.  I loved the 24 hours of daylight during the summer.  I loved being in St. Charles during college because I was once again in a big city (STL), and everything was available to me.  I love the hustle and bustle of city life!  St. Charles is also close enough to family that I could (and did) drive home whenever I felt like it!  

Living in STJ has never been on the top of my list of places to reside, but I do it with a smile on my face and song in my heart because I LOVE being close to family.  I also know that this is the place that makes Lincoln the happiest, so here we are!  I would choose to raise my children in a much bigger city, to provide them with a much larger view of the wide world we live in, and give them many more opportunities than are presented here in this small town.  But...being around family, grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins is more important to us than those other things.  

Decision Made!

We've spent the last few days praying about our decision separately and then together and have reached a decision.  

We are going to continue to pursue our Ethiopian Adoption!

There were so many factors that weighed into this decision.  We considered the racial aspect (self identification for an only African child, etc.), we considered the number of children we ultimately wanted to have.  We considered the wait time, the length of time the countries have been open to US adoption.  We weighed it all and truly feel at peace with our decision.  

Although it would have been amazing to bring home two children, we believe that we are going to make a successful family, whether we have all biological children, all adopted children, black children, white children, asian children.  It doesn't matter.  We are determined to raise our children to be secure, confident, and loving.  

We are going to succeed.  Our children will be successful.  Our FAMILY will be successful.

Thank you Norah

Dearest Norah,

Thank you for adding a little serenity to my life.  I know I can always count on you to lower my blood pressure.  I find you extremely satisfying.  I'm never left wishing for something more, just content with what you're giving me.  I'm blessed to be able to take you everywhere with me.  You're in my living room, you are in my car, you're on my walks with me.  You sing me to sleep some nights, you wake me up on my roughest of mornings.  You calm me before big events.  You're simply the best!

Norah Jones, how can I ever thank you enough?

Always,

Ashley

Q&A #1 - my marriage...

Thanks for the questions everyone!  I'm going to try to pick a few questions that '"relate" to one another and answer them in the same post, but with so many questions there will probably be a few Q&A posts coming!  

Q #1:  Since you live in the same town as you did during high school, is it weird to see people you dated or your husband dated around?

Honestly, we hardly EVER see anyone that we dated!  Lincoln really only dated one person seriously in High School and she lives in KS now with her husband.  Although...I don't think it would be weird to see her anyway.  Lincoln is on good terms with her husband and I have never had anything against her, so I don't imagine that it would be awkward or uncomfortable.  I dated a few people in High School, but only one of them lives in Rolla.  I saw him ONE time in Walmart, but he did not see me...which was a good thing.  Lincoln and I DO have hard feelings toward him, so I think it's a positive thing that we don't ever run into him.  I know that he is married now, but other than that I have no idea what has happened with his life.  

We really don't even see that many people HS period that we don't make it a point to see.  It's amazing that even living in a small town we don't run into people very often.  We are kind of "home bodies", so we don't get out a lot unless it's to the grocery store, etc.  We have started seeing a few more people than usual now that Hunter is old enough to play soccer and t-ball.  No bad experiences yet though!  :0)

Funny story:  I did go on a few dates with a guy from Cuba when I was in HS.  He was rather "odd" to say the least, so I ended that pretty quickly, but he was mutual friends with some of my other friends from HS, so I still saw him quite often.  Just a few weeks ago Lincoln and the kids and I ran into him at Walmart.  When I walked by him the first time I smiled and said hi.  Then we met in another part of the store and he stopped to talk.  He asked me about tons of things that I wouldn't have dreamed that he remembered from that many years ago and commented on Graysen (who was sitting in the cart that I was pushing), but never commented on Lincoln or Hunter, who were standing right next to me waiting for the conversation to end.  This was the guy who called Lincoln the "Lawn Boy" at my HS Graduation Party because he was mowing my parents yard.  LOL  Good memories for me!  :0)

Q #2:  What was it like knowing you were pregnant when you were planning your wedding?  How did you deal with criticism from others, reactions from family, and then the DOUBLE whammy of stressful life events?

Interesting the way you worded that question...  I never really even thought about the fact that I was pregnant while I was planning my wedding except for the fact that I was scared that my dress wouldn't fit!  Planning my wedding was completely separate from my pregnancy.  Partially because we were already planning to get married the following August so a lot of the planning had already been done (decisions made anyway).  

People were actually very tactful and I don't remember a single "outsider" making any comments about me being pregnant before we got married.  I'm sure that people rolled their eyes, or made comments behind our backs, but at least no one said anything to our faces!  :0)

My family was EXTREMELY supportive!  I think that part of it was because this was not the first pre-marital pregnancy, and part of it was because Lincoln and I spent a lot of time with them and they knew that we were already planning an August wedding.  We told my mom the night we found out and told the rest of my family on Christmas Eve.  Lincoln told his family by himself and they were less than happy.  They came around, and have been fine ever since, but it did take them quite a bit longer to accept the situation than my family.  

The first 6 months of our marriage were by far the hardest and most stressful thus far, even considering everything else we have been through.  Getting married anytime is stressful and takes some adjustment, but it was even harder to do considering I had pregnancy hormones going on, and I was terrified that Lincoln was going to keep his "extra curricular" activities going even after the baby came.  (Which, he didn't even for a day by the way...!)  I prayed a lot.  We talked a lot (more than Lincoln would've liked I bet!), and we just kept reminding ourselves that getting married is a commitment, not a feeling.  No matter how much I would've liked to have called it quits or knocked him upside his head, I knew that I was in this for the long haul, and I might as well suck it up and do whatever I could to make it a good marriage...so, we did!

Q #3:  How did you know your husband was the one?

I don't believe there is a "one".  I believe that you could marry any number of people and live a satisfying life.  I know that this goes against what the majority of the world believes.  My belief stems from the fact that I believe marriage and love is a choice...not a feeling.  Marriage is a commitment and a promise that is permanent.  

I looked for someone who generally treated me fairly.  Someone who mostly put my best interest before his.  Someone I could communicate well with.  I picked someone who had the same beliefs on marriage that I did.  We both believe that divorce is not an option.  We are both aware that we might be separately, or at the same time, be miserable in our marriage.  Because we do not feeling loving feelings toward our spouse, or because we think the grass looks greener elsewhere are not grounds to call it quits.  Because the other has an affair is not grounds to divorce.  We both believe in our heart of hearts that the only reason to get a divorce is abuse...to either spouse or children.  God does not call us to stay in a relationship where people are being hurt.  He does call us to find ways to make our marriages stronger, richer, and more enjoyable.  We have agreed to be open and honest with one another when we are not feeling loving feelings.  We will attend marriage conferences, counseling, fast, pray, call on other Christian couples for support...whatever it takes in order to make our marriage succeed.  

(Saying all of that, I am aware that if one of the parties in a marriage is not willing to work on the marriage or refuses to come home there is nothing the other spouse can do besides pray for their lost spouse.)

We have lived the divorce of a family and know that there is NOTHING that is worth hurting our children like that over.  Parents often tell themselves that couples divorce all the time and the kids turn out okay, but that is a bold faced lie.  Children of divorce DO NOT turn out okay.  They are hurt, insecure, and uncomfortable for the rest of their lives.  We love our children enough to find a way to make our marriage work.  

We believe that God put us in the marriage relationship as a permanent setting and that doing anything to break that up is in direct violation of God's word.  We also know that God is bigger than any "problems, issues, or negative feelings" we may have with each other.  God created marriage and He intends to make it possible.  If we turn to Him to help us through our hard stages (there have already been a few, and there will be many more), then we will succeed...because God promises us that we can!

Way to Go Girl!

Today I am sending a "shout-out" to a STJ senior I don't even know.  As I was reading through the special 2009 Graduate newspaper insert I was impressed by one girl in-particular. Under "Future Plans" this was her answer:

"Go to College then Be a Good Mom"

I say GOOD FOR YOU!!  This is what I always wanted to be as well!  In a society that I feel belittles the imperative role of GOOD MOTHERS, I was proud to see a young girl feel so strongly about that being her goal that she published it in the newspaper.  

Dear Future Fellow Mother,

I want you to know that I am proud of you for setting your goals on Motherhood.  It is just as important a career as any other - arguably the MOST important out there.  Although we don't know each other, I am here, rooting you on whenever you decide it's time to tackle that under taking.  I pray that you will find a group of mothers who you can turn to for support and encouragement.  I hope that you will take time for "professional development" in that field just as often as the boy above you who wanted to be an anesthesiologist.  I pray that you will turn to God for your strength, because there is no one, and nothing else that can provide you the endurance, strength, and knowledge that you will need for the career field of Motherhood.  

God Bless you, and your future family,

Ashley

  

Please Pray

We are so confused.  While emailing back and forth with some ladies at AAI they presented us with the idea of switching countries to Ghana.  They say that we have a much higher chance of getting 2 children under the age of 4 from Ghana then we do from Ethiopia.  

We need to make this decision, and make it NOW.  The Dossier for the countries are much different, and our home study is going to be typed at the start of next week.  

Here are the pro's and con's:

Ethiopia Ghana

Avg. Referral Wait Time: 3 mos. 6 mos.

Cost: same same

Number of children: 1 2

Paperwork: harder easier

So, please be in prayer for our decision. We felt like God was calling us to Ethiopia, but then really felt like God laid it on our hearts to bring home two children...when discussing this with AAI they out of no where suggested we switch countries...so is this a God thing? We just aren't sure yet...please pray for us. We DESPERATELY want to follow God's plan and will for this part of our lives...

Please Help

So, as you all have noticed I've had some major writer's block the lately.  My dear friend Bethany recently wrote a blog with lots of ideas to help me overcome this writers block and one suggestion really stood out to me.  

Questions.

I read a few other blogs where the writers have lots of "general public" readers.  I know my blog is not one of those, only friends read, but I would like to give a Q&A post a shot.  

So...I need your help.  Please ask me some questions.  Any question you may have about me, my life, my husband, my kids, my job, my views, my motives, my goals, etc.  Don't be shy people...get personal, ask away!  

I won't post your comments, but I will answer each question anonymously...that way you're not embarrassed to ask the question!  :0)

So...what have you always wondered...???

So Busy!

I have been SOOOO busy!  Here is a list of just a few things that have happened in the last week of my life...

• Worked until midnight last Thursday night
• Woke up at 2:50 a.m. on Friday morning to a phone call from The Dance Studio owner that her water had broken and that she was on her way to have the baby in STL.
• Met her on the overpass at 3:00 a.m. to grab stuff for recital out of her car
• Finished up ALL of the last minute recital stuff on Friday
• Ran Dress Rehearsal Friday night (until 11:00 p.m.)
• Finished up more last minute stuff for Recital on Saturday
• Ran Recital Saturday afternoon
• Drove to STL after Recital for Kara's 21st BDay Celebration
• Stayed overnight in STL on Saturday
• Went to the hospital to see Megan and ADORABLE baby Adelyn on Sunday
• Cleaned house on Sunday afternoon
• Babysat on Monday
• Cleaned house on Monday night
• Had our "in-home" home study meeting on Tuesday (ultra stressful)
• Went through our Dossier packet
• Babysat on Wednesday
• Started dropping off Dossier paperwork
• Had Bible Study on Wed. night
• Took a family walk
• Watched 2 Adoption Education DVDs and took online tests

This is all on top of normal "Mommy and Wife" Duties.  My life has been insane this last week and I am so ready for it to slow down!  

Tomorrow is my last day of baby sitting, and I have such mixed feelings about it.  I'm ready for the summer to begin and be able to run to the store when we run out of milk in the middle of day, but I am going to miss the kids and mom's that I have grown so close to.  They have all become a special part of my daily life and I'm definitely going to feel a void with them being gone.

Please pray for some new "curve balls" that we have encountered with our adoption - read the adoption blog for more info on that topic.  

New Curve Ball...

So, I pride myself on being very well researched on huge undertakings that I tackle.  Normally...

I realized today that I failed on one aspect of this adoption.  We found out that our agency does not place 2 unrelated children under the age of 4 in a home at the same time.  Siblings, yes, but the chance of having a sibling group 0-4 years is very slim.  

Getting on my soap box for a minute...can someone please tell me what difference it makes whether the kids are blood related at the time of placement?!  They are going to be siblings when they get here, so what does it matter if they aren't siblings there?  The catch is that they WILL place an infant and a child over 6 years who aren't related...or siblings of any age, but not two unrelated children under the age of 4.  What would make me more capable of taking care of two under the age of 4 that are blood related vs. two that aren't?!  STUPID.

So...we were REALLY hoping for two children at the same time, but now realize that our chances are slim to none because we aren't willing to accept a child that is older than Hunter (over 6).  

I find this extremely frustrating.  Please pray for us to have open ears in how God wants us to handle this situation.

A Few Facts:

I've talked a lot about the process and about the emotional side of adoption on this blog, but I just realized that maybe I haven't talked so much about what we're actually getting ourselves "into"!  

• First we must complete our home study, which consists of a few meeting with a social worker, lots of paperwork, some fingerprints, and money.  (lol)
• We must complete some paperwork for our Placing Agency, and then mostly our Dossier.  This is the packet of official paperwork that must be sent to Ethiopia for the government to translate and read to decide whether we are fit to parent one of their children.
• After we finish our home study, we are able to send off for our Immigration Paperwork (otherwise known as the I-600A).  This takes 6 weeks and allows us to bring our child/ren into the USA as citizens and immediate family members.
• After we get our Immigration Approval (which takes approximately 6 weeks), Complete our Home study (which will have taken us 5 weeks), and Finish our Dossier (which I hope takes about 3 weeks), we will be placed on the "waiting list".  Our agency is telling us that it should be about a 3 month wait until our Referral.
• We have requested the following:  0-18 mo. boy, siblings (at least one boy) 0-4 years old, or 2 unrelated children 0-4 years old (at least one boy).  There was an entire page of medical issues that we would or would not accept, but basically we requested a child with minor issues...nothing major.  
• After the agency finds a child/ren that match our requests, they will send us photos and all known medical information.  At that point, we have the option of accepting or rejecting the children.  
• After accepting our referrals, we will be given a court date.  The court will actually take place in Ethiopia with our POA present.  After we pass (which could not happen due to a lack of any particular paper in our file), we are the official parents of our child/ren.  
• After passing court we will be given an Embassy Date in Ethiopia and will travel there to pick up our child/ren!

It's a long, complicated, and exhausting process, but one that I can already tell is going to be WELL WORTH the trials!  :0)

Thank You!

A BIG THANK YOU to everyone who said prayers for us today!  We had our "in home" home study visit today and it went very smoothly!  Our house was clean and in perfect order, our kids were very well behaved, my sister-in-law took the kids for us after our agent had met them, and we had a great visit!  

Amazing that we are almost done with our home study!  :0)

Adoption is Emotionally Draining

So I get the award for "World's Worst Mother" a few days ago.  

In an effort to motivate Hunter to help around the house I explained to him that a woman was coming on Tuesday to look at our home and see where Hunter's baby brother would be living.  I told him that we needed it to be clean and looking perfect when she came.  

We cleaned a few rooms and then went over to my mom's for dinner.  I came home early while Lincoln kept the kids at Mom's so that I could get a little bit more done before bedtime.  Hunter came bounding in the house yelling "Is she here yet mom?"  I was confused and asked if "who was here yet".  He said, "you know, the woman who is bringing my baby brother!!!"

Oh boy, talk about panic.  In that instant I realized that he had TOTALLY misunderstood.  He thought that this woman was bringing his baby brother WITH HER when she came!  As I explained to him that she would not be coming for 2 days, and even then would not bring his brother, she was just coming to see our house, he started to well up with tears.  

In another 5 seconds we were both sitting on the floor hugging and sobbing.  He was sad because he thought his baby brother was finally coming home, and I was crying because I had let my son down so badly.   I just kept crying and apologizing for not being clearer.  I realized how terrible it was of me to expect my 4 year old son to help with the house and in a haste to "manipulate" him into helping I got his hopes so high for something that would not be coming for months still.  

Eventually we both settled down...

I had not yet shed tears over this adoption process...but in that moment I realized just how "emotionally involved" I already am.  I was sitting on my daughter's bedroom floor surrounded by toys and outgrown clothes hugging and crying with my 4 year old son over a baby(ies) who have not even come into our lives yet.  Whew.  I know that God is the only one who is going to get us through this process...

Bed time

Bed time is one of my favorite routines at my house. I get special one on one time with each of my children. I get to talk to them, pray with them, and cuddle them before sending them off to a deep, peaceful slumber.

As I do more and more research on Ethiopia and start preparing for our visit there (yes, I know it's still a long way off, but I'm a planner, so a year away is not too long for me to start planning!), I have started thinking about the time difference. Right now, it's almost 9:30 p.m. It hit me then...I have missed bed time with my little one(s) again. How many more nights will I miss putting them to bed and sharing that special time with them?

The Bible tells us that God sings to us, and quiets us with His love...and we can't hear Him or feel Him, but how often do we experience the peaceful feeling come over us in a dark time of need? More often than I can count I have been comforted by God's singing, even when I couldn't hear it and quieted by His love.

I am going to try to sing to my children, to pray with them, and to love them at bed time...even when it falls in the middle of the afternoon...

The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you. He will quiet you with his love. He will rejoice over you with singing. - Zephaniah 3.17

4 year old boys

Why don't 4 year old little boys ever quit? I'm being dead serious. I want an answer. Hunter has more energy than I have ANY CLUE what to do with.

A hug always involves a head but or knee to the chest.

Cuddling on the couch always turns into a wrestling match.

Laying on the couch turns into a pillow fight with Graysen.

Sitting in the chair for a "break" turns into him laying his upper body on the chair and running in a circle around and around.

I just don't get it. I can't WAIT until I can send him outside to run, and run, and run some more!!!

Random Thoughts by Ashley

I'm not perfect. I know this isn't a surprise to anyone, but I often have that expectation of myself. I expect my children to be perfectly clean, well dressed, the house picked up, the laundry caught up, dinner made, and the dishes done. This doesn't always happen. Actually, it happens less than the alternative does. Last night our small group came over and the sick was PILED with the pots and pans that were used to make their dinner. My children went over to Britt's unfed (I knew she would have something they could eat).

There just aren't enough hours in the day. Especially with me babysitting and Lincoln working his 2nd job Tuesday - Friday, I simply can not get all of the errands run.

I can't WAIT to get my hair done tomorrow. I had an apt. yesterday...Lincoln went to work instead. I had an apt. today...guess what? Lincoln went to work instead. I have any apt. tomorrow...guess what? I told Lincoln NO WORK TOMORROW! (Being able to cancel apts. at the last minute and still get another one the next day is the beauty of having a hair dresser as a sister...)

As much work as it is, I'm looking forward to recital this weekend. I enjoy seeing all of the kids in their adorable costumes. I love watching the older girls get nervous before they go on stage. It brings back SO many good memories from my dancing years that I can't help but enjoy myself!

I'm anxious for Megan to have her baby on Sunday night / Monday morning! I have a strong feeling it's going to be a boy, but I thought that same thing about Mya! :0) I think she is going to make a great mom and I very excited to help her along the journey.

It's hot. The last few days I have just started sweating! I hate to sweat! Lincoln even turned on our air last night during small group because there were so many people in our home and it was like 85 in here. Miserable.

I'm really excited about doing Pampered Chef, but am a little discouraged at the lack of interest. I know a lot of my close friends and family have recently had a show, so that makes it hard, but I'm not going to give up, I truly believe in the products, and think that having shows is going to be a lot of fun, can't wait for my first one!

I should really stop blogging random thoughts and finish folding the laundry. There will be another load done in no time and this last one isn't even folded yet. Oops.

Reference Letters

So our reference letters have finally made it to the couples!  These dang things have been a fiasco!  Our social worker told me that if I wanted to move quickly and email her the couples addresses she would get them out sooner...so, I emailed them to her on the 23rd of April.  We met with her on the 28th and asked if they had gone out yet.  She said no, but that she would get them out that week.  I emailed her on the 6th of May to see what the status was since none of them had received them yet, and she said she had just gotten them out the day before (on the 5th).  Well, considering they reached everyone today, I HIGHLY doubt that she actually mailed them out on the 5th...something tells me it does not take an envelope 7 days to get from STL to STJ.  Talk about frustrating!!!  Oh well, at least everyone has them now!  

Hello Sweet Summer!

We are so close to summer I can taste it!  We have 2 more weeks of baby sitting.  I have one more week of teaching dance.  Wow.  My life is about to change drastically!  

This summer all I'm going to have to do is:

hang out with my kids, 

Pampered Chef parties whenever people want to get lots of fun free stuff, 

swim with my kids, 

take my kids to the park, 

teach 2 weeks of dance in July, 

spend time with my kids, 

enjoy time with my kids, 

visit with friends, 

and...

swim with my kids!  

I can't wait!!! 

:0)

All caught up and not moving anywhere!

Well, it looks like we're all caught up for the next week or two.  Odd feeling...  We are waiting on scheduling our in-home home study visit until after she reads through out packet that we just mailed her.  We are waiting on receiving our Dossier packet from AAI.  Until we get that, we are seriously at a stand still I think!!  

It's rather nice, I must say...

Happy Birthday Dear Sister!

Today my sister turns 21!  I just can't hardly believe it.  In some ways it seems like she is my same age, I confide everything in her, fully trust her to take care of my children, and am proud of the decisions that she makes....but in some ways I still think of her as the little girl in the room next to me slipping notes back and forth under our doors.

So...

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Kara,

Happy Birthday to you!

I can't wait to spend the evening together and then again Saturday night...it'll be a blast!  

Love you with all of my heart!!

Ash

Mother's Day

Today was a great mother's day!  Hunter (with the help of my awesome Mom) made me a big red sign that said this:

"Sometimes you're an EXTRA NERD.  But you're also my lovey DOVE.  We will love you NOW AND LATER.  Your SWEETARTS,

Graysen and Hunter"

All the words in all caps were candy.  He also cut out some coupons and promised to clean the living room, give me a neck rub, and set the table all by himself.  It was the sweetest Mother's Day present yet.  We ate breakfast with Gma, Mom, Charlie, Kara, Aunt Lisa, Aunt Kim, Uncle Richard, and Matthew at Panara and then met Lincoln at church.  After church we went to Mom's and had spaghetti.  After lunch we went out to Redburn's and visited with Marcinda for a few hours.  Now it's a little after 8, Graysen is in bed (she didn't get a nap today), and Hunter is watching a little Phineas and Ferb before heading to bed himself.    

Some of my favorite things about my kids right now are:

How when Graysen belly laughs her face never changes.  It's just like she's smiling but this gut wrenching laugh is coming out.  

How Hunter is becoming such a conversationalist.  He loves to carry on a conversation with anyone about anything.  

How Graysen has started talking so much more.  Her newest word she learned to day is chocolate.  I think she might say that better than she does any other word she knows!

How Hunter is so good at imaginary play.  He loves to play with action figures or animal toys for hours at a time.  He just makes us a story and uses different voices for the different people.  It's very sweet.  

Birthmother's Day

Can this be a "Happy Birthmother's Day"?  Is there such a thing as a happy birthmother?  As this is the first year that I have even known about "Birthmother's Day", or even sat and contemplated what it means to be a Birth Mother, I have very mixed emotions.  

To my child's birth mother,

Today is a day to honor you.  I don't know your story yet.  I may never know.  I wonder if you planned your entire pregnancy to give up your child, or if you were forced to take him to the orphanage after several months of desperately trying to provide for him.  I wonder if you are alive and crying for him each night, or if God has already taken you from this Earth.  I hope that someday I know a little bit about your story.  I hope that I have something to tell my child about the mommy that grew him in her tummy.  I know he will be curious to hear stories about you, and his country.  I earnestly pray that I am able to provide him with all the information that you would want him to have.  

Today is an odd day for me.  I don't even know our child yet, but somehow, I feel drawn to you tonight as I sit in a quiet house with your son's 2 siblings sleeping in the rooms across the house.  I dream about what it may be like a year from now.  Will he be here with us, sleeping in a crib next to his big brother who has asked and prayed for him for months now?  I pray that you have peace in your heart tonight like I have in mine.

I know that this is not what you wanted out of your life. I know you didn't grow up as a little girl dreaming of the day that you would give up your child to a family who would take him from his country and raise him across the globe. All I can do is thank you for your brave decision to do what was best for your child. I can thank you for allowing us to love him, comfort him, nourish him, and teach him about the love of Jesus Christ.

Next year on Birthmother's Day I hope to know a little more about you, and certainly know more about our baby boy. Our hearts will forever be entwined with a love for the same child...this I know already.  

I will write again then,

Ashley

One of the great things about being a Mom

I think one of the great things about being a mom is the fact that you are there to provide the protection and comfort that your kids need.  Although it hurts me to see either of my kids in fear or pain, I do have to admit to loving the fact that I'm the one they run to.  Today during Graysen's bath time she pulled the shower thing.  There was a split second that the water splashed down on her head before I could push it back down.  It was terrifying for her...but guess what?  Mommy was right there to scoop her up (wet body and all), calm her down, and then show her what had happened.  A few minutes later she was back in the bath playing with her toys and getting soaped up.  Although it was only a few minutes I feel blessed that I was there with her.

I love how God set that relationship up.  She got something good out of it, and so did I.  I'm blessed.  

I Adore Free Stuff

I love getting the mail everyday. 

I love getting free stuff.

I ESPECIALLY love getting free stuff in the mail!

Today was a good day!  Because I sold 1,250.00 in sales for Pampered Chef I received a FREE Deep Covered Baker!  I got it as a surprise in the mail today and I was super excited!  :0)  I picked up the computer to do a little research on recipes I can use it for (since I've never owned one!), but thought I would share the good news with you all first!  Ooooh, and I just looked it up on the pampered chef website and found 6 recipes for it!  Yippy!  

GARAGE SALE!

Garage Sale!!

Who:  3 Families (us included) 

Where:  The Dance Studio (behind The Family Center) in Rolla on Hwy 72

When:  May 9th, 8 am - 2 pm

Why:  Fundraiser for our Adoption!

We would love for everyone to come out and enjoy a beautiful morning of yard sales!  

GARAGE SALE!

Garage Sale

Who:  3 Families (us included) 

Where:  The Dance Studio (behind The Family Center) in Rolla on Hwy 72

When:  May 9th, 8 am - 2 pm

Why:  Fundraiser for our Adoption!

We would love for everyone to come out and enjoy a beautiful morning of yard sales!  

A Desperate Plea

Dear Sun,

Oh how I miss you.  I would give just about anything right now to have to squint or wish that I didn't wear glasses so that I could wear sunglasses.  Where have you gone?  Why do you not like us lately?  I miss your bright, shining face.  The rain has been nice, but I'm ready for you to come back from your LOA and dry it all up.  I want to watch my kids run outside in the back yard.  I want to sit on the back steps and soak you up while I listen to the birds sing.  No one is as happy when you're gone.  Oh why don't you come back?  

I'm singing this song all day in hopes that you'll hear me and believe that you really are missed...

The sun will come out.

Tomorrow.

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow

There'll be sun.

Just thinking about

tomorrow

Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrows.

'til there's none

When I'm stuck with a day

that's grey

and lonely

I just stick out my chin

and grin

and say......

THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW

so you gotta hang on till tomorrow

Come what may

tomorrow!

tomorrrow!

I love ya!

Tomorrow!

You're only 

a day

away!

ps - I know that the lyrics are actually "you're ALWAYS a day away"...but I've changed it for my mental health to "only"...I find it much more optimistic.  

Next 7 Dinners

Our evenings are so busy that we don't cook dinner every night.  Some nights are just cereal, some are leftovers, some are sandwiches.  Every week 3 of the 7 nights are booked during the school year.  

Regardless of our busy schedule, here are our next few dinners:

Roast with potatoes and carrots

BLT's with home made oven fries

Jambalya

Trout (caught by Lincoln)

Chicken Breasts with Pineapple Rice

Sausage and Garlic Rice

Sloppy Joes

Meatloaf

Home made Pizza

Questions

Who will travel to pick up our little one(s)?  Who will keep Hunter and Graysen while we are gone?  What will we take as gifts for the Nannies?  How old will our child(ren) be when we get them?  How far behind developmentally will he/they be?  What will we name him/them?  Do we want people at the airport to meet us?  What will we send in his/their Welcome Bag(s)?  What Ethiopian holidays will we celebrate?  Will we celebrate a "Family Day"?  Will we know his/their exact birthdays?  Will we meet his/their birth parents?  Will he/they be healthy?  Will he/they have attachment issues?  

So many questions enter my mind every day...

Our accomplishments thus far...

Today we are getting Lincoln's physical, my TB test, applying for our passports, and getting our state fingerprints!  Yea!  

In order to complete our home study we are still needing the following:

• References (which I'm not sure Jenny has sent out yet...a little aggravated about that)
• Certification from our 10 hours of adoption education.  They only send these out at the end of the month, so they'll get it at the end of May.
• Our in home visit...we should be able to schedule that after we get our references back...

We've done all of the paperwork required for AAI thus far.  We're STILL waiting on our educational packet, so I'm going to call them today and check and see why we haven't received it yet.  They don't send out the Dossier packet until 2 weeks after they send out the educational packet so I'm very anxious to get that.  

I have to admit...

1.  I miss my shows.  I used to watch tons of regular shows.  It was Bachelor on Mondays, Biggest Loser on Tuesdays, Grey's on Thursdays, and Extreme Home Makeover on Sundays.  Until I was sick in bed last night and watched Biggest Loser I literally can not REMEMBER the last time I watched any of those shows.  I didn't even realize I was missing them until I watched BL last night!  I sat there so enjoying myself, not thinking about anything else that's going on in my life...it was nice.

2.  I HATE being sick.  My kids had the flu on Friday, Lincoln on Sunday, and me yesterday.  I hate throwing up and laying in bed listening to my family have fun together without me.  I hate the aches and pains and come along with it.  I literally told Lincoln last night that my back hurt as bad as it did during labor.  Terrible.

3.  I am SICK over missing Dr. Laura yesterday with Kelley and Molly.  I was so looking forward to time with you girls and seeing Dr. Laura.  I can't believe that I got sick on that day!  I hope you girls had a blast and I can't wait for an update!

4.  I am consumed with this adoption.  I'm officially sorry if I've become a terrible friend.  It's all I can think about and work on.  I really don't remember the last time I was obsessed over something like this.  

5.  It is Wednesday and I am not at all prepared for my yard sale on Saturday.  I've got most everything together, but none of it is organized or priced.  Yuck.  

6.  I have a big day ahead of me and instead of getting out of bed and getting the kids bathed and ready, we're all laying here in bed.  I'm writing a blog while they watch Mickey Mouse.  We've got to get ready!!