If I were to go on to Heaven before my kids are grown, here are some things that I want them to know about me:
1. I love to travel. I enjoy every facet of it, from planning, to getting there, to exploring once I'm there.
2. I love to learn about other cultures...specifically their views on marriage, men and women's roles, religion, parenting tactics, and the arts.
3. I love to lay with your Dad. Anywhere - feeling his arms wrapped around me brings me more comfort and security in this crazy world than anything else. Please find this before you marry...
4. I Love to read. It's a great escape and a way to expand your mind and heart.
5. I love listening to song lyrics. Although it has to have a good beat, it must also say something of worth for me to really love the song.
6. I love you kids more than anything on earth. I want you find to what makes you happy - whether it be people, arts, sports, religion, whatever it may be, immerse yourself in it.
7. I want you to find the peace on Earth through Jesus Christ that I have found. Nothing else in life will be more important, more impacting than this one single thing.
8. I want you to be proud of yourselves and understand your self-worth. If you find you're not proud of what you've done with your life - that's okay, don't beat yourself up over it...just change it. God is the ultimate forgiver!
9. My family (Mom, Dad, and Kara) helped to mold me into who I am. I had the best upbringing - we all four loved each other very much. I feel like your dad and I are creating the same type of family - one that is dependent on each other, who will support each other through thick and thin. I pray you will also create this with your family.
10. Even though I did not have a relationship with my Dad for much of my adult life, I loved him very much. I never stopped loving him and being grateful for the raising that he did for the first 19 years of my life. I chose not to have a relationship with him because I wanted the best for you kids. I wanted to only surround you with positive influences, people who you could look to to show you the right way to go in this world. When you get older there are going to be enough negative influences, I didn't want to start your life with them. I believe that had he stayed the same man of God that he was at one point he would've made the BEST grandpa in the world! I know he would've been very involved in your lives and interacted with you every day. I can still, sitting here, picture what it would be like for him to be wrestling with Hunter and playing blocks with Graysen. I know he was looking forward to grandchildren and loved and prayed for you before you were even thought of. I hope you understand that I pray every night that our relationship can be reconciled and you all can have that great individual in your lives someday. I worry that this is something that you will hold against me someday, and I hope that you understand I was only doing what I thought was best for you.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Where Would You Be?
Last night I was afforded the opportunity to imagine who I would be if I were not me. Odd as that sounds, I was able to go to Rolla by myself for almost an hour and a half before meeting up with my girlfriends. I took my notebook with me and was given some self reflection time. This is what I wrote:
Tonight I listened to Martina McBride's song "Where Would You Be?" and it got me to thinking - where would I be, where would I go, who would I love if I were without Lincoln? Now granted, our life is totally different now with kids than if I had never married. But...this is who I think I would be if I wasn't married:
I think I would be the girl who moved away from family to try to find herself. I would go to a city where there were lots of options in the art world. I think I would go to Panara (or a similar coffee shop) and sit outside with my headphones on listening to a wide variety of music (rap all the way to classical) with her laptop or pen and paper working on choreography or exploring her thoughts, while drinking an IC Moca. I can see myself attending live music shows and art exhibits on a regular basis. I might work at a Dance Studio or in the public school system. I wonder if I would've lost my self esteem when it comes to attracting men if things wouldn't have worked out with Lincoln. Maybe it's the married factor, maybe it's the extra weight from kids - either way, I can't imagine that any man other than my husband would find me attractive. Odd as it may be, I believe that if I hadn't married Lincoln I would've either married one of 2 of my best friends from HS, or never married at all. I would love my nieces or nephews when they arrive and devoted myself to them entirely.
I'm a huge fan of comfort.
Tonight I listened to Martina McBride's song "Where Would You Be?" and it got me to thinking - where would I be, where would I go, who would I love if I were without Lincoln? Now granted, our life is totally different now with kids than if I had never married. But...this is who I think I would be if I wasn't married:
I think I would be the girl who moved away from family to try to find herself. I would go to a city where there were lots of options in the art world. I think I would go to Panara (or a similar coffee shop) and sit outside with my headphones on listening to a wide variety of music (rap all the way to classical) with her laptop or pen and paper working on choreography or exploring her thoughts, while drinking an IC Moca. I can see myself attending live music shows and art exhibits on a regular basis. I might work at a Dance Studio or in the public school system. I wonder if I would've lost my self esteem when it comes to attracting men if things wouldn't have worked out with Lincoln. Maybe it's the married factor, maybe it's the extra weight from kids - either way, I can't imagine that any man other than my husband would find me attractive. Odd as it may be, I believe that if I hadn't married Lincoln I would've either married one of 2 of my best friends from HS, or never married at all. I would love my nieces or nephews when they arrive and devoted myself to them entirely.
I'm a huge fan of comfort.
The Ordinary, The Comfortable
For those of you who are married...my question is: "How do you "keep the spark"? How do you step outside of that comfort zone that is created when you marry? Lincoln and I have agreed to read one marriage enrichment book together each year. This year it's "The Four Seasons of Marriage". We are huge fans of "The Five Love Languages", which we will probably ready every year on top of our other book. We have found that our love languages have already changed in the four years that we've been married...but that's a whole other blog in itself!
We attended a marriage seminar this past year at church that gave us wonderful information, encouragement, and ideas. Our favorite is the "Light the candle". They suggested that one person light a specific candle when they are "in the mood" - the other has the option to accept, reschedule, or reject. Although we don't have a candle, we have developed our own "signal" (of which I won't share because that seems like too much info!) It has helped a lot!
What else do you do? It seems hard to me to come up with ideas because Lincoln is not good at love letters, etc. (I on the other hand obviously enjoy expressing myself in written words!)
Any ideas anyone???
We attended a marriage seminar this past year at church that gave us wonderful information, encouragement, and ideas. Our favorite is the "Light the candle". They suggested that one person light a specific candle when they are "in the mood" - the other has the option to accept, reschedule, or reject. Although we don't have a candle, we have developed our own "signal" (of which I won't share because that seems like too much info!) It has helped a lot!
What else do you do? It seems hard to me to come up with ideas because Lincoln is not good at love letters, etc. (I on the other hand obviously enjoy expressing myself in written words!)
Any ideas anyone???
Hooray For You!
I just bought a new children's book with this title by Marianne Richmond. I think it is wonderful! It rhymes, but is a book simply full of celebrating each person as their own individual. This would be an excellent book for any age. Although I bought it in hopes of boosting Hunter's self-esteem and reading rhymes to Graysen, I plan on reading this book myself on the days when I don't feel adequete. The days that I feel fat, slow, ugly, like a bad mother, wife, or friends, the days when I don't feel like I'm contributing to this world as God intended. I honestly think it will help to pick me up...overall, a great addition to any household!
Sunday, August 10, 2008
My Quirks Part II: Childbirth
I believe in Natural Childbirth!
Yes, I'm one of the crazies out there who don't take any pain meds when giving birth. I'm honestly not sure where this practice began, but here are some of the things that I believe played a role in making up my mind.
One of my very best friends (since 8th grade) got pregnant our junior year of High School. This was a life changing event for me. One of the things that I did to help prepare me for the birth of her wonderful daughter was to write my research paper for my AP Comp and Lit class on child birthing options. I wanted to know what she was going to go through, and what better way than to spend months on end researching and writing a 25 page paper over it?! (Little did I know that this would in NO WAY prepare me for seeing her in labor or going through it myself years later!) During this research I read all of the pros and cons that go along with natural birth, medicated birth, epidurals, cesarean sections, water births, etc. At the time, I was totally convinced that I was going to do a water birth. I thought it was awesome, and the best option for introducing my baby into this world.
My mother and mother - in -law both gave birth to all of their children naturally. My mom has always taught me that childbirth is a temporary pain. You know it's going to end...and when it does, you have the BEST gift ever given to you here on earth.
I am a Believer. I believe that God created women's bodies with the capability to birth children. I also believe that He made them to take care of pregnancy losses. When I had my miscarriage I wouldn't let the doctors do a DNC until my body miscarried on it's own. I believe that sometimes God works miracles, and I wanted to give Him the time to work it if it was in His plans to do so that time.
My husband and I have also chosen to have private births. Just him and I in the room (with the nurses and Doctor of course). I would love to have my mother and sister experience the birth of my children with me, but I have found that there is something very emotional about meeting your child for the first time with the one and only other person that helped create it. It is an amazing bonding moment just to have your own little family.
All of that said - I encourage all of you who are pregnant or who are hoping to become that way to do the research. Find out what the medication (IV or epidural) can do to your baby, and decide...is the short lived pain (yes, even my 20 hour labor I consider short lived) worth bringing your baby into the world in the way it was intended to? I decided it was - and I'll never regret it!
**I want to end this post with a reminder that I am really using this blog as more as a journal for my children. In fact, I print each of these out and am keeping them in a binder for them. I'm hoping that when they get older they will find my thoughts and outlooks on the world interesting. That it will give them a window into who I was at this age.
Yes, I'm one of the crazies out there who don't take any pain meds when giving birth. I'm honestly not sure where this practice began, but here are some of the things that I believe played a role in making up my mind.
One of my very best friends (since 8th grade) got pregnant our junior year of High School. This was a life changing event for me. One of the things that I did to help prepare me for the birth of her wonderful daughter was to write my research paper for my AP Comp and Lit class on child birthing options. I wanted to know what she was going to go through, and what better way than to spend months on end researching and writing a 25 page paper over it?! (Little did I know that this would in NO WAY prepare me for seeing her in labor or going through it myself years later!) During this research I read all of the pros and cons that go along with natural birth, medicated birth, epidurals, cesarean sections, water births, etc. At the time, I was totally convinced that I was going to do a water birth. I thought it was awesome, and the best option for introducing my baby into this world.
My mother and mother - in -law both gave birth to all of their children naturally. My mom has always taught me that childbirth is a temporary pain. You know it's going to end...and when it does, you have the BEST gift ever given to you here on earth.
I am a Believer. I believe that God created women's bodies with the capability to birth children. I also believe that He made them to take care of pregnancy losses. When I had my miscarriage I wouldn't let the doctors do a DNC until my body miscarried on it's own. I believe that sometimes God works miracles, and I wanted to give Him the time to work it if it was in His plans to do so that time.
My husband and I have also chosen to have private births. Just him and I in the room (with the nurses and Doctor of course). I would love to have my mother and sister experience the birth of my children with me, but I have found that there is something very emotional about meeting your child for the first time with the one and only other person that helped create it. It is an amazing bonding moment just to have your own little family.
All of that said - I encourage all of you who are pregnant or who are hoping to become that way to do the research. Find out what the medication (IV or epidural) can do to your baby, and decide...is the short lived pain (yes, even my 20 hour labor I consider short lived) worth bringing your baby into the world in the way it was intended to? I decided it was - and I'll never regret it!
**I want to end this post with a reminder that I am really using this blog as more as a journal for my children. In fact, I print each of these out and am keeping them in a binder for them. I'm hoping that when they get older they will find my thoughts and outlooks on the world interesting. That it will give them a window into who I was at this age.
My "quirks" as a mother...
As I re-read my posts in the past, I have talked about my children a lot. I realized that I have not talked much about my views on parenting, or my parenting style. I had a request to blog about my recent adventure to Rolla's first World Breastfeeding Day (I will get to that soon), and so, I thought I would start a new "daily" post, each day (for awhile) addressing a specific issue that I find important in parenting.
Please know ahead of time that I am well aware that not everyone is going to agree with me. Some may think I'm "out there"...others may think I'm judgemental. Please, I'm begging you...don't! I will make it perfectly clear when I'm talking about something that I am judging others on...most of the time I am just going to be stating how I choose to raise my children. If you choose otherwise - great! Whatever works for you and your family!!! :0)
Let's start from the beginning - pregnancy!
I know that not every pregnancy is planned...but there are options. First of all, if you are not able / do not want to take care of the baby that you are carrying...please do the responsible thing and give it up for adoption. Give the child a chance! Did you know that your babies heart is beating before you even know you're pregnant?! So yes - I'm against abortion. I'm not ashamed to say it. On the other hand, this does not mean that I do not like anyone who has ever had an abortion! (In fact, one of my very best friends in college had one when she was much younger). I know everyone makes poor choices and can repent their sin and regret the decision. Everyone can change.
My pregnancy with my son was not planned. My husband and I were not married yet. (although our wedding was in the planning stages for the following August). I was SHOCKED when I found out, much more upset by the news than Lincoln (he was thrilled, very excited to be having a child) - but after 24 hours the news had sunk in and I was excited as well. It's everything I had ever wanted, just wasn't when I had planned it. (and for those of you who know me well know...I am a PLANNER!) Lincoln and I were lucky that my family was extremely supportive of us and encouraged us all the way. I'm sad that not everyone's families can look at the fact that a baby is a baby and whether or not it's coming into the world under "the perfect" circumstances, they should be excited...what's not to be excited about when it comes to a baby?!?!
I believe in giving your child the best chance possible to develop healthy and happy.
I think that you should be taking your prenatal and folic acid (before you get pregnant if you're trying...) and should continue to take them the whole pregnancy. If your body doesn't need that much, it will dispose of it...they're never going to HURT you!
I believe that if you are trying to get pregnant you should be "religious" about praying for God's timing in this event in your life and for your future baby and your marriage. Marriage takes a hard hit when you get pregnant and have your first child. It's an adjustment that no one could possibly be prepared for. Any marriage, no matter how strong, will go through downs during this time.
I believe that you should act as if you are already pregnant (give up caffine and alcohol, etc.) if you are trying. You know there are 4-6 weeks when your baby is developing before you even know you're pregnant!
I believe that you should be eating healthy and resting as much as possible. (This means lots of fruits and veggies and no caffeine or alcohol!) No, I don't say this to get pregnant women out of housework, continuing to work outside of the home, etc. Pregnancy is hard on your body to begin with...and I think most of us know that if we're physically tired, we're normally mentally and emotionally exhausted as well. I'm a believer in the idea that your baby develops the temperament that you have while you're pregnant (this is one of the places where you might think I'm "out there"). I've seen too many kids whose mom is a laid back, chill kind of lady who are also that kind of kid...and then the kids whose mothers are high anxiety, high emotional, high activity who are exactly the same!
I believe in getting medical care from the start - and continuing for the entire pregnancy. This is not to say that I don't think Douala's, etc. aren't wonderful - and a terrific addition to your OB's care!
I believe in reading and talking to your child in the womb (also rubbing your tummy in a counter clock-wise motion - this I believe brings a positive energy to the baby). This also applies to the father / siblings / grandparents / aunts and uncles, etc. I think that if you take time to talk specifically to your child they will feel the love that you have for them earlier on, which will develop a healthier baby, mentally and physically. I think that it shows that you are willing to take time out of your schedule already for this child who will become a life-long love of your life!
I believe in reading all the information you can get your hands on...for every pregnancy! This will help you make more educated decisions about the way that you will act during your pregnancy and how you will handle your childbirth and raising your children. I was amazed at how the information changed between each of my pregnancies...so even if you've done this before...read again - this child is just as worth it as your first one was!!!
Tomorrow's subject - childbirth! :0)
Please know ahead of time that I am well aware that not everyone is going to agree with me. Some may think I'm "out there"...others may think I'm judgemental. Please, I'm begging you...don't! I will make it perfectly clear when I'm talking about something that I am judging others on...most of the time I am just going to be stating how I choose to raise my children. If you choose otherwise - great! Whatever works for you and your family!!! :0)
Let's start from the beginning - pregnancy!
I know that not every pregnancy is planned...but there are options. First of all, if you are not able / do not want to take care of the baby that you are carrying...please do the responsible thing and give it up for adoption. Give the child a chance! Did you know that your babies heart is beating before you even know you're pregnant?! So yes - I'm against abortion. I'm not ashamed to say it. On the other hand, this does not mean that I do not like anyone who has ever had an abortion! (In fact, one of my very best friends in college had one when she was much younger). I know everyone makes poor choices and can repent their sin and regret the decision. Everyone can change.
My pregnancy with my son was not planned. My husband and I were not married yet. (although our wedding was in the planning stages for the following August). I was SHOCKED when I found out, much more upset by the news than Lincoln (he was thrilled, very excited to be having a child) - but after 24 hours the news had sunk in and I was excited as well. It's everything I had ever wanted, just wasn't when I had planned it. (and for those of you who know me well know...I am a PLANNER!) Lincoln and I were lucky that my family was extremely supportive of us and encouraged us all the way. I'm sad that not everyone's families can look at the fact that a baby is a baby and whether or not it's coming into the world under "the perfect" circumstances, they should be excited...what's not to be excited about when it comes to a baby?!?!
I believe in giving your child the best chance possible to develop healthy and happy.
I think that you should be taking your prenatal and folic acid (before you get pregnant if you're trying...) and should continue to take them the whole pregnancy. If your body doesn't need that much, it will dispose of it...they're never going to HURT you!
I believe that if you are trying to get pregnant you should be "religious" about praying for God's timing in this event in your life and for your future baby and your marriage. Marriage takes a hard hit when you get pregnant and have your first child. It's an adjustment that no one could possibly be prepared for. Any marriage, no matter how strong, will go through downs during this time.
I believe that you should act as if you are already pregnant (give up caffine and alcohol, etc.) if you are trying. You know there are 4-6 weeks when your baby is developing before you even know you're pregnant!
I believe that you should be eating healthy and resting as much as possible. (This means lots of fruits and veggies and no caffeine or alcohol!) No, I don't say this to get pregnant women out of housework, continuing to work outside of the home, etc. Pregnancy is hard on your body to begin with...and I think most of us know that if we're physically tired, we're normally mentally and emotionally exhausted as well. I'm a believer in the idea that your baby develops the temperament that you have while you're pregnant (this is one of the places where you might think I'm "out there"). I've seen too many kids whose mom is a laid back, chill kind of lady who are also that kind of kid...and then the kids whose mothers are high anxiety, high emotional, high activity who are exactly the same!
I believe in getting medical care from the start - and continuing for the entire pregnancy. This is not to say that I don't think Douala's, etc. aren't wonderful - and a terrific addition to your OB's care!
I believe in reading and talking to your child in the womb (also rubbing your tummy in a counter clock-wise motion - this I believe brings a positive energy to the baby). This also applies to the father / siblings / grandparents / aunts and uncles, etc. I think that if you take time to talk specifically to your child they will feel the love that you have for them earlier on, which will develop a healthier baby, mentally and physically. I think that it shows that you are willing to take time out of your schedule already for this child who will become a life-long love of your life!
I believe in reading all the information you can get your hands on...for every pregnancy! This will help you make more educated decisions about the way that you will act during your pregnancy and how you will handle your childbirth and raising your children. I was amazed at how the information changed between each of my pregnancies...so even if you've done this before...read again - this child is just as worth it as your first one was!!!
Tomorrow's subject - childbirth! :0)
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
4 Years Old!
I simply can not believe that my little boy is 4 years old. I'm in shock...amazement. I know everyone says "it seems like yesterday". Well, I can't say that it seems like yesterday - we've had A LOT happen in our lives in the past four years - it doesn't seem like it's been 4 whole years!!
Birthdays are very important to me. Growing up our birthdays were made into a big deal. Afterall, it's the ONE day out of the year that is truely just about YOU. It's not Christmas, which is about Christ, it's YOUR birthday! My parents always used it as a way to celebrate us, as their children, and as the person that we were that year. I loved it. There was always a big build up, a huge day, and then yes, usually a slight let down the day after. :0) But...the let down is totally worth the fun in the days before! I've also always had an obsession with celebrating on the day of. No matter what day of the week...I want to celebrate my birthday on August 26th. (I'm the same way with anniversaries, etc.) Obviously growing up it wasn't always possible to have my birthday party on that day, so - all the better, the party was the weekend before or after, and we celebrated all the days in between the two events! :0)
This was the case with Hunter's 4th birthday this year. We decided that he was still too young to have his actual birthday without a birthday party beforehand, so we chose August 2nd to have his party. We also decided that he was old enough to have a little kids party (up until this year we've had a huge BBQ and invited all of the family and friends...we're talking around 50 people each year). But this year I knew that he was ready for a smaller, more kids centered party...and I was as excited as he was! We brainstormed for months in advance, researched on the internet, and finally decided on the Power Rangers Training Camp theme. Amazingly enough, he's been obsessed with Power Rangers for a little over a year now. He became interested in them shortly before his birthday last year (although we had a dinosaur party). He told me after his 3rd birthday that next year he wanted a PR's party, but I didn't dream the obsession would last this long - well, he proved me wrong, and got what he wanted!
We knew that since it was a party just for the kids we had to keep it much smaller than in years before, so we decided to go with the kids that he plays with on a regular basis. In attendence this year was the kids out of our families, (Baylee and Ganon Ambrose, Ally and Mya Krueger, Libby Fuhring, and Hayden and Keaton Renaud) small group that he plays with every Wednesday while Mom and Dad are at bible study (Emma Cook, and Annastyn Covey), and our playgroup friends - (Ryan Spurgeon, Riley Slowensky, and Noah and Miriam King...Juliet Mattingly couldn't be there, she was with her dad this year). Even selecting these three groups of friends there were lots of kids there!
In preparation, I put on Power Rangers music in the background and set up 6 Training Stations: for those of you who are not PR savvy, you may have to look up some of the terminology I'm getting ready to give you! ;0)
1. Be Prepared: a station where they decorated their very own tracker phones (made ahead of time out of florist foam covered in tin foil). I had lots of foam stickers for them to use. I also had PR coloring pages and crayons on this table.
2. Search: They each had to find the 5 jewels of the Corona Aurora. (A big bucket filled with play sand and lots of river rocks spray painted the 5 Power Rangers Colors) Their jewels were theirs to take home with them.
3. Teamwork: Clear the rock slide! (I laid a picnic table cloth down and dumped a huge pile of legos out. Then had 4 buckets for them to sort the legos by color - red, blue, pink, and yellow...four of the PR's colors.)
4. Defeat the Bad Guys: Knock those bad guys down! (I made masks for several of Hunter's stuffed animals and set them up on a table. Then gave each child bean bags and let them knock them down!)
5. Strong: See how strong you are by throwing water balloons! (This started with the children seeing if they could hit the fence and break the water balloons, but they got bored with that and soon began to throw them at a moving target - Charlie!)
6. Brave: Walk the board over the river of alligators! (I got a 20 ft. 2x4 and put it across my mom's above ground pool. The kids walked from one side to the other - holding Lincoln's hand - with floating alligators all around them!)
After they all completed the 6 parts of the Power Rangers Training Camp they became real Power Rangers! I had made the girls pink and the boys red t-shirts with the Power Rangers logo on it and gave them each their official Power Rangers shirt and 1st place ribbon.
Later in the party I gave them each a treat bag with a few small toys in it and let them fill the rest of their bags with candy from the pinata. So...they had their "jewels", t-shirts, ribbon, tracker phone, and bags with toys and candy in it to take home. As a parent, I hate it when I take my kid to a birthday party and they have to just sit there and watch the birthday boy or girl open all of their presents and have nothing to play with themselves. It's very hard for young children to understand this, so I wanted our guests to have something special for themselves!
They all swam, played on the swing set, ate cake and ice cream (made by Kelley King), did the pinata, and had lots of fun!
Sunday and Monday were quieter days with just one present per day, but Tuesday was his actual birthday! Of course we had to have another fun filled day! I had scheduled to not have any of my babysitting kids, so we had a full family day to ourselves! Hunter slept in until around 9:15, and then we got around. The day was whatever Hunter wanted to do...so we dropped him and Graysen off with Grammie and went to exchange one of his Power Rangers (he got two of the same at his party). While we were there we got him the other one that they had, so now he has three, and also bought him his first real baseball glove! Came back and he decided he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese! Yippy! I love going to Chuck E. Cheese and it was Lincoln's first time! So, at 1:00 Lincoln, Hunter, and I left for STL. We got there, played 100 tokens worth, won 303 tickets, got Hunter's prizes, and came back home. We had plans to play mini golf with Grammie, Charlie, and Aunt Sissy after dinner. We went swimming in Grammie's pool and it started to thunder. Unfortunately our put put was getting rained out. Hunter decided on grilled hot dogs, french fries, and applesauce for his birthday dinner. It was pretty tasty. After dinner we had a dance party in Aunt Sissy's bedroom and then had more cake (a Spiderman decorated huge chocolate chip cookie) and ice cream.
It was a good day. It just doesn't seem possible that I have a 4 year old little boy. Luckily I still have 2 years until school!
Birthdays are very important to me. Growing up our birthdays were made into a big deal. Afterall, it's the ONE day out of the year that is truely just about YOU. It's not Christmas, which is about Christ, it's YOUR birthday! My parents always used it as a way to celebrate us, as their children, and as the person that we were that year. I loved it. There was always a big build up, a huge day, and then yes, usually a slight let down the day after. :0) But...the let down is totally worth the fun in the days before! I've also always had an obsession with celebrating on the day of. No matter what day of the week...I want to celebrate my birthday on August 26th. (I'm the same way with anniversaries, etc.) Obviously growing up it wasn't always possible to have my birthday party on that day, so - all the better, the party was the weekend before or after, and we celebrated all the days in between the two events! :0)
This was the case with Hunter's 4th birthday this year. We decided that he was still too young to have his actual birthday without a birthday party beforehand, so we chose August 2nd to have his party. We also decided that he was old enough to have a little kids party (up until this year we've had a huge BBQ and invited all of the family and friends...we're talking around 50 people each year). But this year I knew that he was ready for a smaller, more kids centered party...and I was as excited as he was! We brainstormed for months in advance, researched on the internet, and finally decided on the Power Rangers Training Camp theme. Amazingly enough, he's been obsessed with Power Rangers for a little over a year now. He became interested in them shortly before his birthday last year (although we had a dinosaur party). He told me after his 3rd birthday that next year he wanted a PR's party, but I didn't dream the obsession would last this long - well, he proved me wrong, and got what he wanted!
We knew that since it was a party just for the kids we had to keep it much smaller than in years before, so we decided to go with the kids that he plays with on a regular basis. In attendence this year was the kids out of our families, (Baylee and Ganon Ambrose, Ally and Mya Krueger, Libby Fuhring, and Hayden and Keaton Renaud) small group that he plays with every Wednesday while Mom and Dad are at bible study (Emma Cook, and Annastyn Covey), and our playgroup friends - (Ryan Spurgeon, Riley Slowensky, and Noah and Miriam King...Juliet Mattingly couldn't be there, she was with her dad this year). Even selecting these three groups of friends there were lots of kids there!
In preparation, I put on Power Rangers music in the background and set up 6 Training Stations: for those of you who are not PR savvy, you may have to look up some of the terminology I'm getting ready to give you! ;0)
1. Be Prepared: a station where they decorated their very own tracker phones (made ahead of time out of florist foam covered in tin foil). I had lots of foam stickers for them to use. I also had PR coloring pages and crayons on this table.
2. Search: They each had to find the 5 jewels of the Corona Aurora. (A big bucket filled with play sand and lots of river rocks spray painted the 5 Power Rangers Colors) Their jewels were theirs to take home with them.
3. Teamwork: Clear the rock slide! (I laid a picnic table cloth down and dumped a huge pile of legos out. Then had 4 buckets for them to sort the legos by color - red, blue, pink, and yellow...four of the PR's colors.)
4. Defeat the Bad Guys: Knock those bad guys down! (I made masks for several of Hunter's stuffed animals and set them up on a table. Then gave each child bean bags and let them knock them down!)
5. Strong: See how strong you are by throwing water balloons! (This started with the children seeing if they could hit the fence and break the water balloons, but they got bored with that and soon began to throw them at a moving target - Charlie!)
6. Brave: Walk the board over the river of alligators! (I got a 20 ft. 2x4 and put it across my mom's above ground pool. The kids walked from one side to the other - holding Lincoln's hand - with floating alligators all around them!)
After they all completed the 6 parts of the Power Rangers Training Camp they became real Power Rangers! I had made the girls pink and the boys red t-shirts with the Power Rangers logo on it and gave them each their official Power Rangers shirt and 1st place ribbon.
Later in the party I gave them each a treat bag with a few small toys in it and let them fill the rest of their bags with candy from the pinata. So...they had their "jewels", t-shirts, ribbon, tracker phone, and bags with toys and candy in it to take home. As a parent, I hate it when I take my kid to a birthday party and they have to just sit there and watch the birthday boy or girl open all of their presents and have nothing to play with themselves. It's very hard for young children to understand this, so I wanted our guests to have something special for themselves!
They all swam, played on the swing set, ate cake and ice cream (made by Kelley King), did the pinata, and had lots of fun!
Sunday and Monday were quieter days with just one present per day, but Tuesday was his actual birthday! Of course we had to have another fun filled day! I had scheduled to not have any of my babysitting kids, so we had a full family day to ourselves! Hunter slept in until around 9:15, and then we got around. The day was whatever Hunter wanted to do...so we dropped him and Graysen off with Grammie and went to exchange one of his Power Rangers (he got two of the same at his party). While we were there we got him the other one that they had, so now he has three, and also bought him his first real baseball glove! Came back and he decided he wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese! Yippy! I love going to Chuck E. Cheese and it was Lincoln's first time! So, at 1:00 Lincoln, Hunter, and I left for STL. We got there, played 100 tokens worth, won 303 tickets, got Hunter's prizes, and came back home. We had plans to play mini golf with Grammie, Charlie, and Aunt Sissy after dinner. We went swimming in Grammie's pool and it started to thunder. Unfortunately our put put was getting rained out. Hunter decided on grilled hot dogs, french fries, and applesauce for his birthday dinner. It was pretty tasty. After dinner we had a dance party in Aunt Sissy's bedroom and then had more cake (a Spiderman decorated huge chocolate chip cookie) and ice cream.
It was a good day. It just doesn't seem possible that I have a 4 year old little boy. Luckily I still have 2 years until school!
Friday, August 1, 2008
The newest stage...
Well - Graysen is offically at the "hardest" stage to put to sleep...according to ME! ;0) Up until now she has had a bath, got rubbed down with lotion, PJ's on, nursed, and gone straight to bed. Whether she was asleep or not. For the last few months she has fussed for two minutes at most when I lay her in her bed.
That's all changed. Now she's Miss Independent!
She just realized a few days ago that she can also sit up, crawl around, and pull up in her bed! She must've thought that stuff was only for the rest of the house up until then. Now we follow the same bedtime ritual, except when I lay her down there is no more fussing for two minutes before falling asleep...it's sit up before Mom can even leave the room, and then stand hanging on the rail and scream bloody murder for as long as Mom will let me! For the most part if Lincoln goes in and just lays her back down she will cry for a few more minutes and then give it up....but...
Not tonight.
She cried for an hour (with two "laying her back down" sessions in there). Finally I just got her out of bed. I know - big "No-No". But she just wore me down. Yes, she won. She is currently standing at the recliner talking happily to Hunter who is playing Wii Football. (A new part of his nightly ritual. lol) I know she was tired because she fell asleep in the car on the way home. Of course she woke up when I got her out of the car seat, so I went ahead with the nightly ritual thinking she would just go back to sleep when it was time...nope, no such luck.
Maybe I'm weak. I don't know. I try to remind myself that there are lots of women out there who would stay awake with their babies for days if they could just have them. I know this is true because I would stay awake with Claire forever if I could just have that time with her.
So...thanks for listening (reading) to me vent for a few minutes and letting me talk myself back into sense. I have two beautiful children who are both (currently) happy and (semi) healthy. I need to not stress over what time we get to bed and rather cherish the hours I have with them while we're awake.
That's all changed. Now she's Miss Independent!
She just realized a few days ago that she can also sit up, crawl around, and pull up in her bed! She must've thought that stuff was only for the rest of the house up until then. Now we follow the same bedtime ritual, except when I lay her down there is no more fussing for two minutes before falling asleep...it's sit up before Mom can even leave the room, and then stand hanging on the rail and scream bloody murder for as long as Mom will let me! For the most part if Lincoln goes in and just lays her back down she will cry for a few more minutes and then give it up....but...
Not tonight.
She cried for an hour (with two "laying her back down" sessions in there). Finally I just got her out of bed. I know - big "No-No". But she just wore me down. Yes, she won. She is currently standing at the recliner talking happily to Hunter who is playing Wii Football. (A new part of his nightly ritual. lol) I know she was tired because she fell asleep in the car on the way home. Of course she woke up when I got her out of the car seat, so I went ahead with the nightly ritual thinking she would just go back to sleep when it was time...nope, no such luck.
Maybe I'm weak. I don't know. I try to remind myself that there are lots of women out there who would stay awake with their babies for days if they could just have them. I know this is true because I would stay awake with Claire forever if I could just have that time with her.
So...thanks for listening (reading) to me vent for a few minutes and letting me talk myself back into sense. I have two beautiful children who are both (currently) happy and (semi) healthy. I need to not stress over what time we get to bed and rather cherish the hours I have with them while we're awake.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
My first trip!
I am so excited! I have scheduled my first trip without my family since before Lincoln and I got married! I'm very nervous - I have never left my kids for more than one night, but I think it will be very good for me! I am going with two of my very best girlfriends to Chicago December 12-14th. (After Graysen is a year old and done nursing...lol) We are staying in a nice hotel right downtown, window shopping, going out for a nice dinner, and having two nights of sleep overs! Everything a girly trip should be! My wonderful husband is taking the weekend off of work to keep our kids so that I can go. Of course, I could've found a babysitter for them, but I just couldn't leave them with someone other than one of us for 2 nights in a row!
I am so thankful that he cares about me enough to sacrifice like this in order for me to do something he knows I will enjoy. I think most husbands would've said, "either find a babysitter for them, or don't go".
I think this trip will be a time to relax, rejuvenate and come back for the Christmas Season rested and in much better spirits! I know it's a few months away, but I am already looking forward to it!!!
I am so thankful that he cares about me enough to sacrifice like this in order for me to do something he knows I will enjoy. I think most husbands would've said, "either find a babysitter for them, or don't go".
I think this trip will be a time to relax, rejuvenate and come back for the Christmas Season rested and in much better spirits! I know it's a few months away, but I am already looking forward to it!!!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Life is short
I want to remind everyone out there how blessed they really are. I don't know every one's life situation, but I promise that there are things in your life that you should be giving thanks for.
I was reminded of this fact today as I watched a little girl dance her heart out who was oblivious that her life was changing drastically at that exact moment. She didn't know it, but the doctors had just announced that her mother would most likely not make it through the day. While she was dancing to "Shake It", smiling, and laughing with her friends, the doctors were looking at the results of her mother's MRI and telling family how swollen and shifted her brain was. They said it was only a matter of hours before God took her to live with Him in eternity. Wow. I watched her smile and laugh and wondered after she left there today how long it would be before those emotions returned to her. I pray it's soon because I know that her mother would want her to be be happy each and every day. To live a full life surrounded by her sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends. She and her sisters were her mom's life. I hope that I can be a part of reminding her and her 3 sisters (11, 8, and twin 3 year olds) how much their mother loved them. How proud she was, and how much she enjoyed watching them dance.
Death is surrounding us everywhere. My cousin is visiting this weekend on, most likely, his last trip to see St. James...you see, he is dying of liver disease. He knows that it's only a matter of time (as it is for all of us). We will have a family dinner tomorrow night, visit, share stories, talk about future plans, and take lots of pictures. It will be nice for most of the family to be together again...a time to celebrate my cousin's 39th birthday, and visit with him.
Although at most times in my life I will claim that I am not afraid of death. That I know it is inevitable, and that I actually look forward to it (in an odd way). This is because I know that I'm headed for Heaven to live beside the King of Kings forever. Forever is a LONG time as the Veggie Tales will tell you (much longer than a tuna sandwich will last in the refrigerator according to Larry!). I will get to see my two babies waiting for me, my grandfather, and many, many others. But...when it seems I'm surrounded by it on all sides, I get that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach and I silently cry out to God for the peace that I usually am filled with.
Now I just have to let Him fill me with it again.
I was reminded of this fact today as I watched a little girl dance her heart out who was oblivious that her life was changing drastically at that exact moment. She didn't know it, but the doctors had just announced that her mother would most likely not make it through the day. While she was dancing to "Shake It", smiling, and laughing with her friends, the doctors were looking at the results of her mother's MRI and telling family how swollen and shifted her brain was. They said it was only a matter of hours before God took her to live with Him in eternity. Wow. I watched her smile and laugh and wondered after she left there today how long it would be before those emotions returned to her. I pray it's soon because I know that her mother would want her to be be happy each and every day. To live a full life surrounded by her sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends. She and her sisters were her mom's life. I hope that I can be a part of reminding her and her 3 sisters (11, 8, and twin 3 year olds) how much their mother loved them. How proud she was, and how much she enjoyed watching them dance.
Death is surrounding us everywhere. My cousin is visiting this weekend on, most likely, his last trip to see St. James...you see, he is dying of liver disease. He knows that it's only a matter of time (as it is for all of us). We will have a family dinner tomorrow night, visit, share stories, talk about future plans, and take lots of pictures. It will be nice for most of the family to be together again...a time to celebrate my cousin's 39th birthday, and visit with him.
Although at most times in my life I will claim that I am not afraid of death. That I know it is inevitable, and that I actually look forward to it (in an odd way). This is because I know that I'm headed for Heaven to live beside the King of Kings forever. Forever is a LONG time as the Veggie Tales will tell you (much longer than a tuna sandwich will last in the refrigerator according to Larry!). I will get to see my two babies waiting for me, my grandfather, and many, many others. But...when it seems I'm surrounded by it on all sides, I get that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach and I silently cry out to God for the peace that I usually am filled with.
Now I just have to let Him fill me with it again.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Good...and The Hunter
Tonight as I was driving home from the store (we were out of sugar for our sweet tea I was in the middle of making) - I passed one of my favorite things about living in St. James...a Street Dance!!! So, I was inspired to come up with a list of reasons why I like living in a small town. Some deal with St. James in particular, others could be any small town in America.
1. Craft Street Dances: The Craft brothers bring out their karaoke machines and set up a stage in front of Wilson's Lumber at least one Saturday night a month. There is food, singing, lots of lawn chairs, and visiting. I think it's about the best time ever! I love to walk the kids down there and just sit and listen. Some of the singers are horrible, others are wonderful. I so enjoy watching Hunter dance on the street in front of everyone and not caring a bit. I enjoy catching up with people that I don't get to see during my regular daily routine. It's a beautiful time.
2. Large Families: I think that fact that there are many families who all stay here and continue to raise generations in St. James is a wonderful thing. My family is one of them. Of my Grandma's 6 kids, there are 4 of them still living in St. James. Of their children (12 total) - 6 of them still live in St. James...and they have 6 kids so far. The Craft family is another one of those families. I think it's great to be able to go to school with your cousins and have the support of a large extended family close by!
3. History: Sure, there is history in any town / city - but I've found that it's much more celebrated in small town USA. I think it's great that my kids will have a unit on the founder of the town in 4th grade...how many kids get to do something like that? We can still visit the tomb of Lucy Wortham James - in fact, she's buried in the same cemetery that my daughter is and that my husband and I will be! That's amazing to me.
I'm sitting here making this list and Hunter is asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm writing on my blog and he says "what? You're getting on a log?" :0) Very funny - anyway, I tell him that I'm writing a sort of story. So I read him what I have written and he wanted to make a list too. Although he wasn't sure what kind of list, so I just asked him some of his favorites and here are the results:
Hunter's Favorites List:
Favorite Wii Game: Tennis
Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk
Favorite Food: Chicken Nuggets
Favorite Movie: Power Rangers Operation Overdrive
Favorite Friend: His Mom (how lucky am I?! - I'm going to have to remind him of this when he's 16!!!)
Favorite Place to Visit: The Park
Favorite Book: Berenstain Bears Go To The Doctor (really, just any Berenstain Bears book!)
Favorite Toy: Power Rangers Action Figures
ps - are there any women out there who enjoy the Batman series? Lincoln just went to see the new one tonight and enjoyed it. He said Heath Ledger was at his absolute best playing The Joker. I did NOT enjoy the first Batman, so I didn't even go. I do however, enjoy the Spiderman Series...
1. Craft Street Dances: The Craft brothers bring out their karaoke machines and set up a stage in front of Wilson's Lumber at least one Saturday night a month. There is food, singing, lots of lawn chairs, and visiting. I think it's about the best time ever! I love to walk the kids down there and just sit and listen. Some of the singers are horrible, others are wonderful. I so enjoy watching Hunter dance on the street in front of everyone and not caring a bit. I enjoy catching up with people that I don't get to see during my regular daily routine. It's a beautiful time.
2. Large Families: I think that fact that there are many families who all stay here and continue to raise generations in St. James is a wonderful thing. My family is one of them. Of my Grandma's 6 kids, there are 4 of them still living in St. James. Of their children (12 total) - 6 of them still live in St. James...and they have 6 kids so far. The Craft family is another one of those families. I think it's great to be able to go to school with your cousins and have the support of a large extended family close by!
3. History: Sure, there is history in any town / city - but I've found that it's much more celebrated in small town USA. I think it's great that my kids will have a unit on the founder of the town in 4th grade...how many kids get to do something like that? We can still visit the tomb of Lucy Wortham James - in fact, she's buried in the same cemetery that my daughter is and that my husband and I will be! That's amazing to me.
I'm sitting here making this list and Hunter is asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm writing on my blog and he says "what? You're getting on a log?" :0) Very funny - anyway, I tell him that I'm writing a sort of story. So I read him what I have written and he wanted to make a list too. Although he wasn't sure what kind of list, so I just asked him some of his favorites and here are the results:
Hunter's Favorites List:
Favorite Wii Game: Tennis
Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk
Favorite Food: Chicken Nuggets
Favorite Movie: Power Rangers Operation Overdrive
Favorite Friend: His Mom (how lucky am I?! - I'm going to have to remind him of this when he's 16!!!)
Favorite Place to Visit: The Park
Favorite Book: Berenstain Bears Go To The Doctor (really, just any Berenstain Bears book!)
Favorite Toy: Power Rangers Action Figures
ps - are there any women out there who enjoy the Batman series? Lincoln just went to see the new one tonight and enjoyed it. He said Heath Ledger was at his absolute best playing The Joker. I did NOT enjoy the first Batman, so I didn't even go. I do however, enjoy the Spiderman Series...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Life Laughs Review
My latest read is called "Life Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy (yes, I read another one of her books...) I find myself going on 'author' kicks...when I find an author that I enjoy I read all of their books not because the book sounds interesting, but because I trust that I will enjoy the style that it is written in. I did this with Nicholas Sparks (I've read everything of his except "Two Weeks With My Brother")...I started this with Jan Karon (The Mitford Series that I so often refer to...) And in waiting for my new Jan Karon book to arrive I started on Jenny McCarthy.
Life Laughs is again...such a raw, honest book that sometimes I found myself scrunching up my face wondering why I kept reading...but kind of like a train wreck, you just can't force yourself to look away.
Life Laughs is again...such a raw, honest book that sometimes I found myself scrunching up my face wondering why I kept reading...but kind of like a train wreck, you just can't force yourself to look away.
So...this post somehow got published before I was finished...so now I will finish it! lol
As I was saying...Life Laughs is incredibly...there.... Although I greatly enjoyed learning about things that I never knew before (I lead a pretty nieve, sheltered life), I was also rather grossed out by several of the chapters. Wow. That's stuff I never needed to know! :0)
The one thing in this book that saddened me was her outlook on marriage and divorce. She is divorced and in the chapter explaining her divorce she portrayed (to me at least) that she always thought divorce was an option. She says that she got married too quickly, which I think just "proves" that today's society downplays the importance of a marriage. We view it as something that we can rush into and then get out (with no consequences) if we see later down the road that "it's just not working out". So sad. What happened to God's idea of marriage, God's plan for marriage and a marriage relationship?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Book Reviews...
So...As Lincoln could tell you, I'm on a reading KICK! Sometimes I go through years of my life when I'm like this. Every single free second I get I've got my nose in a book. I find myself here again...and I love it! It's funny that I'm seeing Hunter copy me. He LOVES books these days. Every time anyone sits down - here comes Hunter running over and jumping on their lap with a book. It doesn't matter why you were sitting down...to fold laundry, read yourself, watch TV...Hunter's ready with a book! I actually just got some new ones from Mom's because we've read every one of our (probably 100 books) at least 10 times I swear! I'm so tired of them...but it doesn't seem that Hunter is!! LOL I'm looking forward to reading the new ones tomorrow!
Anyway - Since Graysen has been born (7 months ago) I have read 10 books. 9 of the Mitford Series, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone out there and 1 by Jenny McCarthy called "Belly Laughs". I know, you're probably thinking "Jenny McCarthy - the ex-playmate...that blonde dummy?" And my answer is yes - that's the one...but I would now (after reading her book) call her the most down to earth, honest woman I "know"!!! This book (sub titled "The naked truth about pregnancy and childbirth") is a MUST READ for anyone (with a good sense of humor) who is pregnant and / or is a mom already. It's an extremely easy, fast read (I finished it in 2 days) - but so true. I found myself laughing out loud and reading excerpts to Lincoln out of almost every chapter. Be forwarned - she is brutally honest. There is cussing and very graphic descriptions...but hey - anyone who has been there has seen / felt / experienced it...and probably thought the exact same phrases...we're just not brave enough to say them!!!
Anyway - Since Graysen has been born (7 months ago) I have read 10 books. 9 of the Mitford Series, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone out there and 1 by Jenny McCarthy called "Belly Laughs". I know, you're probably thinking "Jenny McCarthy - the ex-playmate...that blonde dummy?" And my answer is yes - that's the one...but I would now (after reading her book) call her the most down to earth, honest woman I "know"!!! This book (sub titled "The naked truth about pregnancy and childbirth") is a MUST READ for anyone (with a good sense of humor) who is pregnant and / or is a mom already. It's an extremely easy, fast read (I finished it in 2 days) - but so true. I found myself laughing out loud and reading excerpts to Lincoln out of almost every chapter. Be forwarned - she is brutally honest. There is cussing and very graphic descriptions...but hey - anyone who has been there has seen / felt / experienced it...and probably thought the exact same phrases...we're just not brave enough to say them!!!
Running in place...
Alright - I'm starting this post aware that it is going to be a downer...so...if you're not in the mood to be down and depressed...don't read this! lol (At least I'm aware when I'm being negative right?!)
I've had a serious case of the blah's lately. At least this time I know what it stems from. One of my friends recently found out that she and her husband were expecting their first baby...and then found out that the baby passed away. She is also struggling with some other medical issues (not the cause of the miscarriage)...so it's a lot compacted on top of each other. I don't even really know how to describe it - except that every time I know someone who is going through heartbreak over the loss of a baby I find myself reliving my losses. Feeling not only the pain of seeing a friend suffer through heartbreak, but the pain of my own heartache.
I guess I should look at it in a positive light - that I'm able to feel the emotions that my friend is feeling and live it with her so she's not alone...but that doesn't help. I know that NOTHING helps when you're going through this, and so that makes it even harder for me. I don't want to say anything because I know from experience, that nothing anyone says makes it better. At least those who haven't been there have some hope that they can do or say something to ease the pain. I know there's no hope. I know the agony of starting to bleed and having to wait weeks for it to go away. Every single second is a reminder of your loss. I know the feeling of not even being able to drive yourself anywhere because you can't focus. Walking around aimlessly trying to continue to work and put on a "good show" for everyone. Crying at the drop of a hat and the questions from people who don't know that your baby has passed away. Trying to hide from everyone who doesn't know so that you don't have to respond should they happen to make a comment about your pregnancy. This all sucks. That's the only way to describe it.
Another one of my good friends said it best the other day..."sometimes I feel like I'm running in place". That's where I am. I feel like I have moved past my losses, that I'm doing a great job continuing to live until something like this happens again and I get stuck. Stuck in the rut of my own sorry emotions. Feeling like I haven't really healed at all. Like I'm still going through the miscarriage, being so emotionally and physically drained that I slept for 24 hours straight after my all nighter in the ER. Going into my next pregnancy with Claire being so excited to get past the first trimester that I didn't think anything else could go wrong and then January 12th came and my baby girl didn't have half of her brain. Shock. Still as I write those words I wonder where in the world did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? The months of going through the motions after she was born and died. Still I drive through the cemetary and sometimes don't have the energy and strength to get out of my car.
When will all of this pass?
Sigh.
I've had a serious case of the blah's lately. At least this time I know what it stems from. One of my friends recently found out that she and her husband were expecting their first baby...and then found out that the baby passed away. She is also struggling with some other medical issues (not the cause of the miscarriage)...so it's a lot compacted on top of each other. I don't even really know how to describe it - except that every time I know someone who is going through heartbreak over the loss of a baby I find myself reliving my losses. Feeling not only the pain of seeing a friend suffer through heartbreak, but the pain of my own heartache.
I guess I should look at it in a positive light - that I'm able to feel the emotions that my friend is feeling and live it with her so she's not alone...but that doesn't help. I know that NOTHING helps when you're going through this, and so that makes it even harder for me. I don't want to say anything because I know from experience, that nothing anyone says makes it better. At least those who haven't been there have some hope that they can do or say something to ease the pain. I know there's no hope. I know the agony of starting to bleed and having to wait weeks for it to go away. Every single second is a reminder of your loss. I know the feeling of not even being able to drive yourself anywhere because you can't focus. Walking around aimlessly trying to continue to work and put on a "good show" for everyone. Crying at the drop of a hat and the questions from people who don't know that your baby has passed away. Trying to hide from everyone who doesn't know so that you don't have to respond should they happen to make a comment about your pregnancy. This all sucks. That's the only way to describe it.
Another one of my good friends said it best the other day..."sometimes I feel like I'm running in place". That's where I am. I feel like I have moved past my losses, that I'm doing a great job continuing to live until something like this happens again and I get stuck. Stuck in the rut of my own sorry emotions. Feeling like I haven't really healed at all. Like I'm still going through the miscarriage, being so emotionally and physically drained that I slept for 24 hours straight after my all nighter in the ER. Going into my next pregnancy with Claire being so excited to get past the first trimester that I didn't think anything else could go wrong and then January 12th came and my baby girl didn't have half of her brain. Shock. Still as I write those words I wonder where in the world did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? The months of going through the motions after she was born and died. Still I drive through the cemetary and sometimes don't have the energy and strength to get out of my car.
When will all of this pass?
Sigh.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Oh the fireworks...
It's been a little while since I've written a blog...lots has happened, but not much worth repeating. Although the break from "drama" has been nice, sometimes I feel like I'm not experiencing life like I should when a few weeks go by and nothing has really "happened"! I begin to wonder if I am doing something wrong, sitting back and watching more than participating.
Let's see...we went to Lincoln's family reunion over the 4th of July. We always go to this little "resort" (I'm using that phrase very lightly) in Rockaway Beach by Branson. The family has been going there for 14 years now. We all rent out little cabins and those who own campers park their campers in the field next to the cabins. Most of the time is spent just sitting in the "circle of love" (as Justin so kindly named it several years back when he joined the family), swimming, napping, and eating! There are usually a few excursions planned such as a boys disc golf day, girls shopping, a movie, and put put golf. Of course you are welcome to participate in all or none of them. This year Lincoln did the disc golf morning while I went "shopping" with some of the girls and then just our family of 4 went to the Dinosaur Museum. We did lots of swimming, visiting, and eating of course! Although I enjoyed the trip overall, I have to say...I HATE FIREWORKS! I have never been a fan of them (I burned myself on a sparkler when I was probably 5 and have never really moved past that experience), but since having children...I really hate them. They keep my kids awake until all hours at night, which keeps me awake, and puts us all in very crabby moods the next day. Two nights in a row of this and my nerves were pretty much SHOT. Pretty much everyone headed to their respective homes on Sunday after eating a breakfast out. We headed over to Castleview to another night with Lincoln's parents and grandparents. It was a very enjoyable day with lots of pool time, golf cart rides, and visiting!
This pretty much sums up our 4th of July vacation. It was nice to get away - but always nicer to get home!!!
Let's see...we went to Lincoln's family reunion over the 4th of July. We always go to this little "resort" (I'm using that phrase very lightly) in Rockaway Beach by Branson. The family has been going there for 14 years now. We all rent out little cabins and those who own campers park their campers in the field next to the cabins. Most of the time is spent just sitting in the "circle of love" (as Justin so kindly named it several years back when he joined the family), swimming, napping, and eating! There are usually a few excursions planned such as a boys disc golf day, girls shopping, a movie, and put put golf. Of course you are welcome to participate in all or none of them. This year Lincoln did the disc golf morning while I went "shopping" with some of the girls and then just our family of 4 went to the Dinosaur Museum. We did lots of swimming, visiting, and eating of course! Although I enjoyed the trip overall, I have to say...I HATE FIREWORKS! I have never been a fan of them (I burned myself on a sparkler when I was probably 5 and have never really moved past that experience), but since having children...I really hate them. They keep my kids awake until all hours at night, which keeps me awake, and puts us all in very crabby moods the next day. Two nights in a row of this and my nerves were pretty much SHOT. Pretty much everyone headed to their respective homes on Sunday after eating a breakfast out. We headed over to Castleview to another night with Lincoln's parents and grandparents. It was a very enjoyable day with lots of pool time, golf cart rides, and visiting!
This pretty much sums up our 4th of July vacation. It was nice to get away - but always nicer to get home!!!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
It's the best!
I have the best life there is.
I think it's very sad that the "cool" / "popular" thing to do these days is complain. To try to convince everyone else that you have the "worst" life / luck. When did that become the thing to do? When did bragging on what an awesome husband you have become the minority rather than the majority? When did celebrating your life become so few and far between?
I want to make it proclamation loud and clear that I think I have the best life I could possibly have! No, we're not rich, yes, we've had plenty of challenges in our four years of marriage...but we are BLESSED! We have two awesome kids here with us, and two waiting for us in heaven. We have survived the death of a child (which is rare in case you don't know the statistics). We openly and honestly are still crazy about one another. We're still in love...not that that will last forever...it will come and go...and that cool thing is - is that we both know that and are okay with it. We promised to LOVE each other, and luckily we both agree that love is a choice, not a feeling. If it were a feeling we'd be in big time trouble...like now, at midnight I sit in bed next to my husband who is snoring to beat the band...do I feel like I am IN love with him at the current moment?? Uh...no...but do I love him and his snoring? Heck yeah! I love him because he is the most faithful, honest man I know. He loves me and our children more than anyone else in the world. He has made this clear to me every day since Dec. 12, 2003. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Sure, he does things on a daily basis that annoy me...that I think are selfish...but do I do the same? Sure I do! Just ask him! :0) And...when he kisses me, I know that we are still in love, that we have the same passion for each other that we did 7 years ago...actually - more.
I have the coolest 3 year old son God ever made. He is so pationate about life. Everything about life. He loves being outside in the world that God made for us to explore. He loves learning new things...numbers, letters, sports, dance, music, you name it...he's excited about it. And that makes me excited. He tells me at least once a day "You're the best Mommy"...and you know what? It makes me want to continue being the best mommy for him that I can be...day in and day out. It's the best challenge that I will ever have.
I just came back to bed from feeding my (almost) 7 month old daughter. I can't even put into words the feelings that swell up in me when I walk into her dark room, hear her sweet voice, pick her up and smell that awesome smell after a bath and lotion. I cuddle her up close to me and share a bonding moment that I am so lucky to have with her. She settles down and falls back to sleep. It's awesome in every sense of the word. Just to picture her smile makes my heart melt.
Last night we had a "Hunter night". We are going to instate these in our family once a month. When Graysen gets old enough she'll get them too. Hunter got to choose everything that we did. On his very first Hunter night he chose to eat pizza at Pizza Hut...cheese of course, and coke to drink. Then we dropped Graysen off with Gma and went to play Put Put Golf...his first time!!! He was so excited, because he loves golf! He had so much fun, he would put off and then RUN down the green to catch up with the ball before it stopped...it was a continuous hit rather than letting the ball stop...too stinkin' adorable! Often times he wanted to finish Lincoln and I's off for us after we teed off as well. Then we played the arcade games inside and he won 295 tickets! I filled up my camera with pictures of course, but don't have them on the computer yet, so I'll have to add one to this blog after I get them downloaded.
I am lucky enough to stay at home with my kids during the day...Lincoln works very hard doing a job that I'm sure he'd rather not do in order to make that happen. I am blessed to be able to teach dance - something that I am extremely passionate about - a few evenings a week..how many people get to do what they love 24 hours a day? Not many...I can tell you that. I love the fact that Lincoln is able to coach basketball - something that he is extremely passionate about - and that we get to watch him do it. We get to root him on and he makes me so very proud to see him, doing something that he loves, and being such a terrific role model for those young boys.
Basically - I'm trilled with my life. I think I post these blogs either late at night when I am able to calm down and collect my thoughts for the day, or in the morning when the day is fresh and new and everything makes sense to me. I just wish that more people lived their lives joyfully. Being happy - and giving thanks to God in everything they do.
I think it's very sad that the "cool" / "popular" thing to do these days is complain. To try to convince everyone else that you have the "worst" life / luck. When did that become the thing to do? When did bragging on what an awesome husband you have become the minority rather than the majority? When did celebrating your life become so few and far between?
I want to make it proclamation loud and clear that I think I have the best life I could possibly have! No, we're not rich, yes, we've had plenty of challenges in our four years of marriage...but we are BLESSED! We have two awesome kids here with us, and two waiting for us in heaven. We have survived the death of a child (which is rare in case you don't know the statistics). We openly and honestly are still crazy about one another. We're still in love...not that that will last forever...it will come and go...and that cool thing is - is that we both know that and are okay with it. We promised to LOVE each other, and luckily we both agree that love is a choice, not a feeling. If it were a feeling we'd be in big time trouble...like now, at midnight I sit in bed next to my husband who is snoring to beat the band...do I feel like I am IN love with him at the current moment?? Uh...no...but do I love him and his snoring? Heck yeah! I love him because he is the most faithful, honest man I know. He loves me and our children more than anyone else in the world. He has made this clear to me every day since Dec. 12, 2003. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Sure, he does things on a daily basis that annoy me...that I think are selfish...but do I do the same? Sure I do! Just ask him! :0) And...when he kisses me, I know that we are still in love, that we have the same passion for each other that we did 7 years ago...actually - more.
I have the coolest 3 year old son God ever made. He is so pationate about life. Everything about life. He loves being outside in the world that God made for us to explore. He loves learning new things...numbers, letters, sports, dance, music, you name it...he's excited about it. And that makes me excited. He tells me at least once a day "You're the best Mommy"...and you know what? It makes me want to continue being the best mommy for him that I can be...day in and day out. It's the best challenge that I will ever have.
I just came back to bed from feeding my (almost) 7 month old daughter. I can't even put into words the feelings that swell up in me when I walk into her dark room, hear her sweet voice, pick her up and smell that awesome smell after a bath and lotion. I cuddle her up close to me and share a bonding moment that I am so lucky to have with her. She settles down and falls back to sleep. It's awesome in every sense of the word. Just to picture her smile makes my heart melt.
Last night we had a "Hunter night". We are going to instate these in our family once a month. When Graysen gets old enough she'll get them too. Hunter got to choose everything that we did. On his very first Hunter night he chose to eat pizza at Pizza Hut...cheese of course, and coke to drink. Then we dropped Graysen off with Gma and went to play Put Put Golf...his first time!!! He was so excited, because he loves golf! He had so much fun, he would put off and then RUN down the green to catch up with the ball before it stopped...it was a continuous hit rather than letting the ball stop...too stinkin' adorable! Often times he wanted to finish Lincoln and I's off for us after we teed off as well. Then we played the arcade games inside and he won 295 tickets! I filled up my camera with pictures of course, but don't have them on the computer yet, so I'll have to add one to this blog after I get them downloaded.
I am lucky enough to stay at home with my kids during the day...Lincoln works very hard doing a job that I'm sure he'd rather not do in order to make that happen. I am blessed to be able to teach dance - something that I am extremely passionate about - a few evenings a week..how many people get to do what they love 24 hours a day? Not many...I can tell you that. I love the fact that Lincoln is able to coach basketball - something that he is extremely passionate about - and that we get to watch him do it. We get to root him on and he makes me so very proud to see him, doing something that he loves, and being such a terrific role model for those young boys.
Basically - I'm trilled with my life. I think I post these blogs either late at night when I am able to calm down and collect my thoughts for the day, or in the morning when the day is fresh and new and everything makes sense to me. I just wish that more people lived their lives joyfully. Being happy - and giving thanks to God in everything they do.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
why write when I'm not the "best"?
What do I even want to write about tonight? Honestly, I'm not sure, but for some reason I am greatly enjoying this blogging thing...and want to write more. Not so that anyone will read it, just because it's a quiet night in my household and I want to write.
I've always enjoyed writing, but have never done it on a regular basis...I'm not very talented at it. I've always been one to not do anything that I'm not the "best" at. That's the reason I've never played sports...because I couldn't bear the thought that me missing a shot could make the entire team lose a game. I do not want to be responsible for anyone else's disapointment. (I'm still this way - very much a people pleaser...not a good trait). Weird now that I'm older and think about it. But true. Not really sure why I ever did Dance Teams or Color Guard. I guess because that is one of my only natural talents. I didn't have to worry about being the only one to mess up...if I messed up (don't get me wrong, I know I'm not always perfect!), I was most likely not the only one to mess up..so I wouldn't have to blame 2nd place on me alone. Odd...very odd. I hope I don't accidentally pass that bad trait onto my kids. I want them to do whatever it is that they want to do without fear of not being the best. We can't all be the best at everything! As long as they practice and try their hardest every time they participate, that's GREAT!
Hmm...that's enough for me tonight. I think I'm ready to go crawl in bed next to my husband. Both kids are fast asleep...sure, some of the groceries still need to be put away in the kitchen, and the living room could certainly use to be picked up, but what I really want right now is to curl up on my favorite pillow under our down comforter next to my best friend in the whole world, say my prayers, and dream a wonderful dream.
Good Night World!
I've always enjoyed writing, but have never done it on a regular basis...I'm not very talented at it. I've always been one to not do anything that I'm not the "best" at. That's the reason I've never played sports...because I couldn't bear the thought that me missing a shot could make the entire team lose a game. I do not want to be responsible for anyone else's disapointment. (I'm still this way - very much a people pleaser...not a good trait). Weird now that I'm older and think about it. But true. Not really sure why I ever did Dance Teams or Color Guard. I guess because that is one of my only natural talents. I didn't have to worry about being the only one to mess up...if I messed up (don't get me wrong, I know I'm not always perfect!), I was most likely not the only one to mess up..so I wouldn't have to blame 2nd place on me alone. Odd...very odd. I hope I don't accidentally pass that bad trait onto my kids. I want them to do whatever it is that they want to do without fear of not being the best. We can't all be the best at everything! As long as they practice and try their hardest every time they participate, that's GREAT!
Hmm...that's enough for me tonight. I think I'm ready to go crawl in bed next to my husband. Both kids are fast asleep...sure, some of the groceries still need to be put away in the kitchen, and the living room could certainly use to be picked up, but what I really want right now is to curl up on my favorite pillow under our down comforter next to my best friend in the whole world, say my prayers, and dream a wonderful dream.
Good Night World!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Love - Use it.
You'll never get over it. You'll never get past it. But you have love in your life. Use it."
- Army Wives
I'm not sure what I have to write about this quote. I heard it on an episode of Army Wives yesterday and felt the urgent need to write it down before I forgot it. The episode had one family who just lost their daughter in a bombing, and another who was pregnant with their first child and the wife wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby. The irony.
Really I wanted to explore my thoughts on this quote. I find it to be terribly true. Scarily (if that's a word) real. Two and a half years after losing my daughter (and I believe this could relate to the loss of anyone you love) I know that you really don't ever get over it or move past it. It's something that is with you every day...because a loss like that changes who you are a person. It's an experience that changes your entire outlook on the world, on God, and on who you are as an individual. It changes your relationships with people (those you already know and those you will come to meet). If I hadn't loss the baby that I miscarried or Claire I would be a totally different person. Not as good of one if I dare go there. I believe God had given me a softer heart for others going through what I have experienced. It has allowed me to relate to many people on a personal level that I would not have been able to relate to otherwise.
But they are right - I have love in my life. I have the love of my husband, children, family, friends, and God. I need to accept it. I'm so thankful that I came out of the stage of grief of not accepting love from others because I felt as though I didn't deserve it. Something in my body had not been good enough, strong enough to create two beautiful children and I felt like an utter failure. I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved by anyone. But I have gotten past that. I am again able to open up to others and receive their love.
I also have a lot of love to give. I am blessed to have this love that God has given me, rather than becoming resentful and hardened after my experiences it has softened my heart and I am planning on using that to the fullest.
I would encourage anyone who has gone through a hardship to look for the good, maybe not during it, but afterward...look back, hind sight is always 20/20...find the positives in the experience and use the love that it has given you.
- Army Wives
I'm not sure what I have to write about this quote. I heard it on an episode of Army Wives yesterday and felt the urgent need to write it down before I forgot it. The episode had one family who just lost their daughter in a bombing, and another who was pregnant with their first child and the wife wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby. The irony.
Really I wanted to explore my thoughts on this quote. I find it to be terribly true. Scarily (if that's a word) real. Two and a half years after losing my daughter (and I believe this could relate to the loss of anyone you love) I know that you really don't ever get over it or move past it. It's something that is with you every day...because a loss like that changes who you are a person. It's an experience that changes your entire outlook on the world, on God, and on who you are as an individual. It changes your relationships with people (those you already know and those you will come to meet). If I hadn't loss the baby that I miscarried or Claire I would be a totally different person. Not as good of one if I dare go there. I believe God had given me a softer heart for others going through what I have experienced. It has allowed me to relate to many people on a personal level that I would not have been able to relate to otherwise.
But they are right - I have love in my life. I have the love of my husband, children, family, friends, and God. I need to accept it. I'm so thankful that I came out of the stage of grief of not accepting love from others because I felt as though I didn't deserve it. Something in my body had not been good enough, strong enough to create two beautiful children and I felt like an utter failure. I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved by anyone. But I have gotten past that. I am again able to open up to others and receive their love.
I also have a lot of love to give. I am blessed to have this love that God has given me, rather than becoming resentful and hardened after my experiences it has softened my heart and I am planning on using that to the fullest.
I would encourage anyone who has gone through a hardship to look for the good, maybe not during it, but afterward...look back, hind sight is always 20/20...find the positives in the experience and use the love that it has given you.
Everything
I've been reading The Mitford Series for some time now (about 6 months). I just finished book 8 and only have one more to read before the series is over. I'm very sad about it...I feel as though I'm going to lose a great set of friends! Amazing how a good author can pull you into the plot of a novel emotionally. Every book I feel has had a wonderful lesson on some aspect of life. I actually think this series has been better than any of the self-help books I'm famous for reading.
Book 8's "lesson" I believe (or maybe it was meant just for me) was on forgiveness, understanding, and prayer. In his last sermon in the book Father Tim reminded us of 4 words. "In everything give thanks." Some may say that the key word in this verse is thanks...I think it's EVERYTHING. I'm good at giving thanks when it comes to the easy stuff...not so good at remembering to thank God for the hard stuff. The stuff that I wish wasn't happening. This is the prayer that Father Tim wanted us (his congregation - I'm a part of it you know!) to pray.
"Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I'm going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line is You're God - and that's good enough for me."
When I read this prayer it really hit home with me. I questioned myself...do I thank God when money is so tight I wonder when we'll be able to go grocery shopping again? Did I thank God when he took 2 of my babies away from me? Do I thank God when Hunter is not behaving and I am at my wit's end? Do I thank Him when Graysen is not sleeping and I can't even remember how many times I got up to feed her the night before? These are the things in my life that have stretched me to become a better person. To become more perfect. In James 1 it talks about going through trials to be stretched and become more perfect. I want to be perfect in God's eyes...and if it's these things that have to happen to make me a bigger, better person...I will thank God for them.
The verse tells us give thanks in EVERYTHING. Actually - the entire verse is this: "In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Wow - so absolute. So straight forward. Often times I pray to know the will of God...to have Him show me his will so that I may understand the things I am experiencing. Here it is stated for me...His will is for me to give thanks. No matter the situation, good, bad, comfortable, uncomfortable, high or low...give thanks.
I'm going to try.
Book 8's "lesson" I believe (or maybe it was meant just for me) was on forgiveness, understanding, and prayer. In his last sermon in the book Father Tim reminded us of 4 words. "In everything give thanks." Some may say that the key word in this verse is thanks...I think it's EVERYTHING. I'm good at giving thanks when it comes to the easy stuff...not so good at remembering to thank God for the hard stuff. The stuff that I wish wasn't happening. This is the prayer that Father Tim wanted us (his congregation - I'm a part of it you know!) to pray.
"Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I'm going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line is You're God - and that's good enough for me."
When I read this prayer it really hit home with me. I questioned myself...do I thank God when money is so tight I wonder when we'll be able to go grocery shopping again? Did I thank God when he took 2 of my babies away from me? Do I thank God when Hunter is not behaving and I am at my wit's end? Do I thank Him when Graysen is not sleeping and I can't even remember how many times I got up to feed her the night before? These are the things in my life that have stretched me to become a better person. To become more perfect. In James 1 it talks about going through trials to be stretched and become more perfect. I want to be perfect in God's eyes...and if it's these things that have to happen to make me a bigger, better person...I will thank God for them.
The verse tells us give thanks in EVERYTHING. Actually - the entire verse is this: "In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Wow - so absolute. So straight forward. Often times I pray to know the will of God...to have Him show me his will so that I may understand the things I am experiencing. Here it is stated for me...His will is for me to give thanks. No matter the situation, good, bad, comfortable, uncomfortable, high or low...give thanks.
I'm going to try.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Kids, Kids, Kids...Me?
Kids. That's what my life revolves around. It's amazing really. I just looked at the pictures that are "tagged" of me on facebook...I'd venture to say a strong 95% of them do not even have me in them. They are my kids. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids. My kids are the world to me. I have always wanted to be a mom - only a mom. I am a daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter, wife, and teacher - but mostly...I'm a mother.
I think I just realized that I've lost my own identity. Maybe not to some - but do I even see myself as Ashley anymore? Or am I Hunter and Graysen's mom? Do Dad's lose their identity the same way moms do? I don't think so. Sure, Lincoln is Hunter and Graysen's dad...but he is also still Lincoln. This is something that I struggle with.
I am a big "self-help" book reader. Everything I read reminds me that it is imperative for me to keep some time for ME. That my mental and physically health depend on it. Hmm...do I do that? I know I do have some time for me once in awhile...but I'm not sure that I'm doing the activities that keep me mentally at my strongest. My me time usually consists of driving to and from Rolla to work, showering (sometimes I get to do this alone...), and reading my book in the middle of a chaotic living room. I think men (in general) are more apt to make time for themselves a priority. Lincoln goes on trips with his brothers and friends from church, he plays sports for fun...he takes time for himself.
I am very blessed to have a husband who understands the importance of keeping my own identity...and he encourages me to do this more than I encourage myself. He sends me on spa days to STL with girlfriends, is more than happy to keep the children in order for me to go see a girly movie, etc.
Luckily, the bottom line is - I'm happy with my life. Most of the time I'm okay with not having my own identity anymore. I'd rather be known as Hunter and Graysen's mom than Ashley anyday. I'm a better person as their mom than I was on my own.
And I thank God for that everyday.
I think I just realized that I've lost my own identity. Maybe not to some - but do I even see myself as Ashley anymore? Or am I Hunter and Graysen's mom? Do Dad's lose their identity the same way moms do? I don't think so. Sure, Lincoln is Hunter and Graysen's dad...but he is also still Lincoln. This is something that I struggle with.
I am a big "self-help" book reader. Everything I read reminds me that it is imperative for me to keep some time for ME. That my mental and physically health depend on it. Hmm...do I do that? I know I do have some time for me once in awhile...but I'm not sure that I'm doing the activities that keep me mentally at my strongest. My me time usually consists of driving to and from Rolla to work, showering (sometimes I get to do this alone...), and reading my book in the middle of a chaotic living room. I think men (in general) are more apt to make time for themselves a priority. Lincoln goes on trips with his brothers and friends from church, he plays sports for fun...he takes time for himself.
I am very blessed to have a husband who understands the importance of keeping my own identity...and he encourages me to do this more than I encourage myself. He sends me on spa days to STL with girlfriends, is more than happy to keep the children in order for me to go see a girly movie, etc.
Luckily, the bottom line is - I'm happy with my life. Most of the time I'm okay with not having my own identity anymore. I'd rather be known as Hunter and Graysen's mom than Ashley anyday. I'm a better person as their mom than I was on my own.
And I thank God for that everyday.
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