My first trip!

I am so excited! I have scheduled my first trip without my family since before Lincoln and I got married! I'm very nervous - I have never left my kids for more than one night, but I think it will be very good for me! I am going with two of my very best girlfriends to Chicago December 12-14th. (After Graysen is a year old and done nursing...lol) We are staying in a nice hotel right downtown, window shopping, going out for a nice dinner, and having two nights of sleep overs! Everything a girly trip should be! My wonderful husband is taking the weekend off of work to keep our kids so that I can go. Of course, I could've found a babysitter for them, but I just couldn't leave them with someone other than one of us for 2 nights in a row!

I am so thankful that he cares about me enough to sacrifice like this in order for me to do something he knows I will enjoy. I think most husbands would've said, "either find a babysitter for them, or don't go".

I think this trip will be a time to relax, rejuvenate and come back for the Christmas Season rested and in much better spirits! I know it's a few months away, but I am already looking forward to it!!!

Life is short

I want to remind everyone out there how blessed they really are. I don't know every one's life situation, but I promise that there are things in your life that you should be giving thanks for.

I was reminded of this fact today as I watched a little girl dance her heart out who was oblivious that her life was changing drastically at that exact moment. She didn't know it, but the doctors had just announced that her mother would most likely not make it through the day. While she was dancing to "Shake It", smiling, and laughing with her friends, the doctors were looking at the results of her mother's MRI and telling family how swollen and shifted her brain was. They said it was only a matter of hours before God took her to live with Him in eternity. Wow. I watched her smile and laugh and wondered after she left there today how long it would be before those emotions returned to her. I pray it's soon because I know that her mother would want her to be be happy each and every day. To live a full life surrounded by her sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and friends. She and her sisters were her mom's life. I hope that I can be a part of reminding her and her 3 sisters (11, 8, and twin 3 year olds) how much their mother loved them. How proud she was, and how much she enjoyed watching them dance.

Death is surrounding us everywhere. My cousin is visiting this weekend on, most likely, his last trip to see St. James...you see, he is dying of liver disease. He knows that it's only a matter of time (as it is for all of us). We will have a family dinner tomorrow night, visit, share stories, talk about future plans, and take lots of pictures. It will be nice for most of the family to be together again...a time to celebrate my cousin's 39th birthday, and visit with him.

Although at most times in my life I will claim that I am not afraid of death. That I know it is inevitable, and that I actually look forward to it (in an odd way). This is because I know that I'm headed for Heaven to live beside the King of Kings forever. Forever is a LONG time as the Veggie Tales will tell you (much longer than a tuna sandwich will last in the refrigerator according to Larry!). I will get to see my two babies waiting for me, my grandfather, and many, many others. But...when it seems I'm surrounded by it on all sides, I get that gross feeling in the pit of my stomach and I silently cry out to God for the peace that I usually am filled with.

Now I just have to let Him fill me with it again.

The Good...and The Hunter

Tonight as I was driving home from the store (we were out of sugar for our sweet tea I was in the middle of making) - I passed one of my favorite things about living in St. James...a Street Dance!!! So, I was inspired to come up with a list of reasons why I like living in a small town. Some deal with St. James in particular, others could be any small town in America.

1. Craft Street Dances: The Craft brothers bring out their karaoke machines and set up a stage in front of Wilson's Lumber at least one Saturday night a month. There is food, singing, lots of lawn chairs, and visiting. I think it's about the best time ever! I love to walk the kids down there and just sit and listen. Some of the singers are horrible, others are wonderful. I so enjoy watching Hunter dance on the street in front of everyone and not caring a bit. I enjoy catching up with people that I don't get to see during my regular daily routine. It's a beautiful time.

2. Large Families: I think that fact that there are many families who all stay here and continue to raise generations in St. James is a wonderful thing. My family is one of them. Of my Grandma's 6 kids, there are 4 of them still living in St. James. Of their children (12 total) - 6 of them still live in St. James...and they have 6 kids so far. The Craft family is another one of those families. I think it's great to be able to go to school with your cousins and have the support of a large extended family close by!

3. History: Sure, there is history in any town / city - but I've found that it's much more celebrated in small town USA. I think it's great that my kids will have a unit on the founder of the town in 4th grade...how many kids get to do something like that? We can still visit the tomb of Lucy Wortham James - in fact, she's buried in the same cemetery that my daughter is and that my husband and I will be! That's amazing to me.

I'm sitting here making this list and Hunter is asking me what I'm doing. I tell him I'm writing on my blog and he says "what? You're getting on a log?" :0) Very funny - anyway, I tell him that I'm writing a sort of story. So I read him what I have written and he wanted to make a list too. Although he wasn't sure what kind of list, so I just asked him some of his favorites and here are the results:

Hunter's Favorites List:

Favorite Wii Game: Tennis
Favorite Drink: Chocolate Milk
Favorite Food: Chicken Nuggets
Favorite Movie: Power Rangers Operation Overdrive
Favorite Friend: His Mom (how lucky am I?! - I'm going to have to remind him of this when he's 16!!!)
Favorite Place to Visit: The Park
Favorite Book: Berenstain Bears Go To The Doctor (really, just any Berenstain Bears book!)
Favorite Toy: Power Rangers Action Figures

ps - are there any women out there who enjoy the Batman series? Lincoln just went to see the new one tonight and enjoyed it. He said Heath Ledger was at his absolute best playing The Joker. I did NOT enjoy the first Batman, so I didn't even go. I do however, enjoy the Spiderman Series...

Life Laughs Review

My latest read is called "Life Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy (yes, I read another one of her books...) I find myself going on 'author' kicks...when I find an author that I enjoy I read all of their books not because the book sounds interesting, but because I trust that I will enjoy the style that it is written in. I did this with Nicholas Sparks (I've read everything of his except "Two Weeks With My Brother")...I started this with Jan Karon (The Mitford Series that I so often refer to...) And in waiting for my new Jan Karon book to arrive I started on Jenny McCarthy.

Life Laughs is again...such a raw, honest book that sometimes I found myself scrunching up my face wondering why I kept reading...but kind of like a train wreck, you just can't force yourself to look away.  

So...this post somehow got published before I was finished...so now I will finish it!  lol

As I was saying...Life Laughs is incredibly...there....  Although I greatly enjoyed learning about things  that I never knew before (I lead a pretty nieve, sheltered life), I was also rather grossed out by several of the chapters.  Wow.  That's stuff I never needed to know!  :0)  

The one thing in this book that saddened me was her outlook on marriage and divorce.  She is divorced and in the chapter explaining her divorce she portrayed (to me at least) that she always thought divorce was an option.  She says that she got married too quickly, which I think just "proves" that today's society downplays the importance of a marriage.  We view it as something that we can rush into and then get out (with no consequences) if we see later down the road that "it's just not working out".  So sad.  What happened to God's idea of marriage, God's plan for marriage and a marriage relationship?  

Book Reviews...

So...As Lincoln could tell you, I'm on a reading KICK! Sometimes I go through years of my life when I'm like this. Every single free second I get I've got my nose in a book. I find myself here again...and I love it! It's funny that I'm seeing Hunter copy me. He LOVES books these days. Every time anyone sits down - here comes Hunter running over and jumping on their lap with a book. It doesn't matter why you were sitting down...to fold laundry, read yourself, watch TV...Hunter's ready with a book! I actually just got some new ones from Mom's because we've read every one of our (probably 100 books) at least 10 times I swear! I'm so tired of them...but it doesn't seem that Hunter is!! LOL I'm looking forward to reading the new ones tomorrow!

Anyway - Since Graysen has been born (7 months ago) I have read 10 books. 9 of the Mitford Series, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone out there and 1 by Jenny McCarthy called "Belly Laughs". I know, you're probably thinking "Jenny McCarthy - the ex-playmate...that blonde dummy?" And my answer is yes - that's the one...but I would now (after reading her book) call her the most down to earth, honest woman I "know"!!! This book (sub titled "The naked truth about pregnancy and childbirth") is a MUST READ for anyone (with a good sense of humor) who is pregnant and / or is a mom already. It's an extremely easy, fast read (I finished it in 2 days) - but so true. I found myself laughing out loud and reading excerpts to Lincoln out of almost every chapter. Be forwarned - she is brutally honest. There is cussing and very graphic descriptions...but hey - anyone who has been there has seen / felt / experienced it...and probably thought the exact same phrases...we're just not brave enough to say them!!!

Running in place...

Alright - I'm starting this post aware that it is going to be a downer...so...if you're not in the mood to be down and depressed...don't read this! lol (At least I'm aware when I'm being negative right?!)

I've had a serious case of the blah's lately. At least this time I know what it stems from. One of my friends recently found out that she and her husband were expecting their first baby...and then found out that the baby passed away. She is also struggling with some other medical issues (not the cause of the miscarriage)...so it's a lot compacted on top of each other. I don't even really know how to describe it - except that every time I know someone who is going through heartbreak over the loss of a baby I find myself reliving my losses. Feeling not only the pain of seeing a friend suffer through heartbreak, but the pain of my own heartache.

I guess I should look at it in a positive light - that I'm able to feel the emotions that my friend is feeling and live it with her so she's not alone...but that doesn't help. I know that NOTHING helps when you're going through this, and so that makes it even harder for me. I don't want to say anything because I know from experience, that nothing anyone says makes it better. At least those who haven't been there have some hope that they can do or say something to ease the pain. I know there's no hope. I know the agony of starting to bleed and having to wait weeks for it to go away. Every single second is a reminder of your loss. I know the feeling of not even being able to drive yourself anywhere because you can't focus. Walking around aimlessly trying to continue to work and put on a "good show" for everyone. Crying at the drop of a hat and the questions from people who don't know that your baby has passed away. Trying to hide from everyone who doesn't know so that you don't have to respond should they happen to make a comment about your pregnancy. This all sucks. That's the only way to describe it.

Another one of my good friends said it best the other day..."sometimes I feel like I'm running in place". That's where I am. I feel like I have moved past my losses, that I'm doing a great job continuing to live until something like this happens again and I get stuck. Stuck in the rut of my own sorry emotions. Feeling like I haven't really healed at all. Like I'm still going through the miscarriage, being so emotionally and physically drained that I slept for 24 hours straight after my all nighter in the ER. Going into my next pregnancy with Claire being so excited to get past the first trimester that I didn't think anything else could go wrong and then January 12th came and my baby girl didn't have half of her brain. Shock. Still as I write those words I wonder where in the world did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? The months of going through the motions after she was born and died. Still I drive through the cemetary and sometimes don't have the energy and strength to get out of my car.

When will all of this pass?

Sigh.

Oh the fireworks...

It's been a little while since I've written a blog...lots has happened, but not much worth repeating. Although the break from "drama" has been nice, sometimes I feel like I'm not experiencing life like I should when a few weeks go by and nothing has really "happened"! I begin to wonder if I am doing something wrong, sitting back and watching more than participating.

Let's see...we went to Lincoln's family reunion over the 4th of July. We always go to this little "resort" (I'm using that phrase very lightly) in Rockaway Beach by Branson. The family has been going there for 14 years now. We all rent out little cabins and those who own campers park their campers in the field next to the cabins. Most of the time is spent just sitting in the "circle of love" (as Justin so kindly named it several years back when he joined the family), swimming, napping, and eating! There are usually a few excursions planned such as a boys disc golf day, girls shopping, a movie, and put put golf. Of course you are welcome to participate in all or none of them. This year Lincoln did the disc golf morning while I went "shopping" with some of the girls and then just our family of 4 went to the Dinosaur Museum. We did lots of swimming, visiting, and eating of course! Although I enjoyed the trip overall, I have to say...I HATE FIREWORKS! I have never been a fan of them (I burned myself on a sparkler when I was probably 5 and have never really moved past that experience), but since having children...I really hate them. They keep my kids awake until all hours at night, which keeps me awake, and puts us all in very crabby moods the next day. Two nights in a row of this and my nerves were pretty much SHOT. Pretty much everyone headed to their respective homes on Sunday after eating a breakfast out. We headed over to Castleview to another night with Lincoln's parents and grandparents. It was a very enjoyable day with lots of pool time, golf cart rides, and visiting!

This pretty much sums up our 4th of July vacation. It was nice to get away - but always nicer to get home!!!

It's the best!

I have the best life there is.

I think it's very sad that the "cool" / "popular" thing to do these days is complain. To try to convince everyone else that you have the "worst" life / luck. When did that become the thing to do? When did bragging on what an awesome husband you have become the minority rather than the majority? When did celebrating your life become so few and far between?

I want to make it proclamation loud and clear that I think I have the best life I could possibly have! No, we're not rich, yes, we've had plenty of challenges in our four years of marriage...but we are BLESSED! We have two awesome kids here with us, and two waiting for us in heaven. We have survived the death of a child (which is rare in case you don't know the statistics). We openly and honestly are still crazy about one another. We're still in love...not that that will last forever...it will come and go...and that cool thing is - is that we both know that and are okay with it. We promised to LOVE each other, and luckily we both agree that love is a choice, not a feeling. If it were a feeling we'd be in big time trouble...like now, at midnight I sit in bed next to my husband who is snoring to beat the band...do I feel like I am IN love with him at the current moment?? Uh...no...but do I love him and his snoring? Heck yeah! I love him because he is the most faithful, honest man I know. He loves me and our children more than anyone else in the world. He has made this clear to me every day since Dec. 12, 2003. I am so blessed to have him in my life. Sure, he does things on a daily basis that annoy me...that I think are selfish...but do I do the same? Sure I do! Just ask him! :0) And...when he kisses me, I know that we are still in love, that we have the same passion for each other that we did 7 years ago...actually - more.

I have the coolest 3 year old son God ever made. He is so pationate about life. Everything about life. He loves being outside in the world that God made for us to explore. He loves learning new things...numbers, letters, sports, dance, music, you name it...he's excited about it. And that makes me excited. He tells me at least once a day "You're the best Mommy"...and you know what? It makes me want to continue being the best mommy for him that I can be...day in and day out. It's the best challenge that I will ever have.

I just came back to bed from feeding my (almost) 7 month old daughter. I can't even put into words the feelings that swell up in me when I walk into her dark room, hear her sweet voice, pick her up and smell that awesome smell after a bath and lotion. I cuddle her up close to me and share a bonding moment that I am so lucky to have with her. She settles down and falls back to sleep. It's awesome in every sense of the word. Just to picture her smile makes my heart melt.

Last night we had a "Hunter night". We are going to instate these in our family once a month. When Graysen gets old enough she'll get them too. Hunter got to choose everything that we did. On his very first Hunter night he chose to eat pizza at Pizza Hut...cheese of course, and coke to drink. Then we dropped Graysen off with Gma and went to play Put Put Golf...his first time!!! He was so excited, because he loves golf! He had so much fun, he would put off and then RUN down the green to catch up with the ball before it stopped...it was a continuous hit rather than letting the ball stop...too stinkin' adorable! Often times he wanted to finish Lincoln and I's off for us after we teed off as well. Then we played the arcade games inside and he won 295 tickets! I filled up my camera with pictures of course, but don't have them on the computer yet, so I'll have to add one to this blog after I get them downloaded.

I am lucky enough to stay at home with my kids during the day...Lincoln works very hard doing a job that I'm sure he'd rather not do in order to make that happen. I am blessed to be able to teach dance - something that I am extremely passionate about - a few evenings a week..how many people get to do what they love 24 hours a day? Not many...I can tell you that. I love the fact that Lincoln is able to coach basketball - something that he is extremely passionate about - and that we get to watch him do it. We get to root him on and he makes me so very proud to see him, doing something that he loves, and being such a terrific role model for those young boys.

Basically - I'm trilled with my life. I think I post these blogs either late at night when I am able to calm down and collect my thoughts for the day, or in the morning when the day is fresh and new and everything makes sense to me. I just wish that more people lived their lives joyfully. Being happy - and giving thanks to God in everything they do.

why write when I'm not the "best"?

What do I even want to write about tonight? Honestly, I'm not sure, but for some reason I am greatly enjoying this blogging thing...and want to write more. Not so that anyone will read it, just because it's a quiet night in my household and I want to write.

I've always enjoyed writing, but have never done it on a regular basis...I'm not very talented at it. I've always been one to not do anything that I'm not the "best" at. That's the reason I've never played sports...because I couldn't bear the thought that me missing a shot could make the entire team lose a game. I do not want to be responsible for anyone else's disapointment. (I'm still this way - very much a people pleaser...not a good trait). Weird now that I'm older and think about it. But true. Not really sure why I ever did Dance Teams or Color Guard. I guess because that is one of my only natural talents. I didn't have to worry about being the only one to mess up...if I messed up (don't get me wrong, I know I'm not always perfect!), I was most likely not the only one to mess up..so I wouldn't have to blame 2nd place on me alone. Odd...very odd. I hope I don't accidentally pass that bad trait onto my kids. I want them to do whatever it is that they want to do without fear of not being the best. We can't all be the best at everything! As long as they practice and try their hardest every time they participate, that's GREAT!

Hmm...that's enough for me tonight. I think I'm ready to go crawl in bed next to my husband. Both kids are fast asleep...sure, some of the groceries still need to be put away in the kitchen, and the living room could certainly use to be picked up, but what I really want right now is to curl up on my favorite pillow under our down comforter next to my best friend in the whole world, say my prayers, and dream a wonderful dream.

Good Night World!

Love - Use it.

You'll never get over it. You'll never get past it. But you have love in your life. Use it."
- Army Wives

I'm not sure what I have to write about this quote. I heard it on an episode of Army Wives yesterday and felt the urgent need to write it down before I forgot it. The episode had one family who just lost their daughter in a bombing, and another who was pregnant with their first child and the wife wasn't sure she wanted to keep the baby. The irony.

Really I wanted to explore my thoughts on this quote. I find it to be terribly true. Scarily (if that's a word) real. Two and a half years after losing my daughter (and I believe this could relate to the loss of anyone you love) I know that you really don't ever get over it or move past it. It's something that is with you every day...because a loss like that changes who you are a person. It's an experience that changes your entire outlook on the world, on God, and on who you are as an individual. It changes your relationships with people (those you already know and those you will come to meet). If I hadn't loss the baby that I miscarried or Claire I would be a totally different person. Not as good of one if I dare go there. I believe God had given me a softer heart for others going through what I have experienced. It has allowed me to relate to many people on a personal level that I would not have been able to relate to otherwise.

But they are right - I have love in my life. I have the love of my husband, children, family, friends, and God. I need to accept it. I'm so thankful that I came out of the stage of grief of not accepting love from others because I felt as though I didn't deserve it. Something in my body had not been good enough, strong enough to create two beautiful children and I felt like an utter failure. I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved by anyone. But I have gotten past that. I am again able to open up to others and receive their love.

I also have a lot of love to give. I am blessed to have this love that God has given me, rather than becoming resentful and hardened after my experiences it has softened my heart and I am planning on using that to the fullest.

I would encourage anyone who has gone through a hardship to look for the good, maybe not during it, but afterward...look back, hind sight is always 20/20...find the positives in the experience and use the love that it has given you.

Everything

I've been reading The Mitford Series for some time now (about 6 months). I just finished book 8 and only have one more to read before the series is over. I'm very sad about it...I feel as though I'm going to lose a great set of friends! Amazing how a good author can pull you into the plot of a novel emotionally. Every book I feel has had a wonderful lesson on some aspect of life. I actually think this series has been better than any of the self-help books I'm famous for reading.

Book 8's "lesson" I believe (or maybe it was meant just for me) was on forgiveness, understanding, and prayer. In his last sermon in the book Father Tim reminded us of 4 words. "In everything give thanks." Some may say that the key word in this verse is thanks...I think it's EVERYTHING. I'm good at giving thanks when it comes to the easy stuff...not so good at remembering to thank God for the hard stuff. The stuff that I wish wasn't happening. This is the prayer that Father Tim wanted us (his congregation - I'm a part of it you know!) to pray.

"Father, I don't know why You're causing, or allowing this hard thing to happen, but I'm going to give thanks in it because You ask me to. I'm going to trust You have a purpose for it that I can't know and may never know. Bottom line is You're God - and that's good enough for me."

When I read this prayer it really hit home with me. I questioned myself...do I thank God when money is so tight I wonder when we'll be able to go grocery shopping again? Did I thank God when he took 2 of my babies away from me? Do I thank God when Hunter is not behaving and I am at my wit's end? Do I thank Him when Graysen is not sleeping and I can't even remember how many times I got up to feed her the night before? These are the things in my life that have stretched me to become a better person. To become more perfect. In James 1 it talks about going through trials to be stretched and become more perfect. I want to be perfect in God's eyes...and if it's these things that have to happen to make me a bigger, better person...I will thank God for them.

The verse tells us give thanks in EVERYTHING. Actually - the entire verse is this: "In everything give thanks...for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." Wow - so absolute. So straight forward. Often times I pray to know the will of God...to have Him show me his will so that I may understand the things I am experiencing. Here it is stated for me...His will is for me to give thanks. No matter the situation, good, bad, comfortable, uncomfortable, high or low...give thanks.

I'm going to try.

Kids, Kids, Kids...Me?

Kids. That's what my life revolves around. It's amazing really. I just looked at the pictures that are "tagged" of me on facebook...I'd venture to say a strong 95% of them do not even have me in them. They are my kids. Don't get me wrong...I love my kids. My kids are the world to me. I have always wanted to be a mom - only a mom. I am a daughter, sister, friend, niece, granddaughter, wife, and teacher - but mostly...I'm a mother.

I think I just realized that I've lost my own identity. Maybe not to some - but do I even see myself as Ashley anymore? Or am I Hunter and Graysen's mom? Do Dad's lose their identity the same way moms do? I don't think so. Sure, Lincoln is Hunter and Graysen's dad...but he is also still Lincoln. This is something that I struggle with.

I am a big "self-help" book reader. Everything I read reminds me that it is imperative for me to keep some time for ME. That my mental and physically health depend on it. Hmm...do I do that? I know I do have some time for me once in awhile...but I'm not sure that I'm doing the activities that keep me mentally at my strongest. My me time usually consists of driving to and from Rolla to work, showering (sometimes I get to do this alone...), and reading my book in the middle of a chaotic living room. I think men (in general) are more apt to make time for themselves a priority. Lincoln goes on trips with his brothers and friends from church, he plays sports for fun...he takes time for himself.

I am very blessed to have a husband who understands the importance of keeping my own identity...and he encourages me to do this more than I encourage myself. He sends me on spa days to STL with girlfriends, is more than happy to keep the children in order for me to go see a girly movie, etc.

Luckily, the bottom line is - I'm happy with my life. Most of the time I'm okay with not having my own identity anymore. I'd rather be known as Hunter and Graysen's mom than Ashley anyday. I'm a better person as their mom than I was on my own.

And I thank God for that everyday.

Hunter's Thankful List

I saw a commercial on TV today and at the end it said "What are you thankful for?" So I asked Hunter, and explained to him what it meant and all about November and Thanksgiving. He really enjoyed the story, so I've decided that I'm going to ask him one thing everyday that he's thankful for for the rest of the month...and I'll keep the list updated here!


Nov. 5th - "Mommy"
Nov. 6th - "Grammy"
Nov. 7th - "Daddy"
Nov. 8th - "Aunt Kim"
Nov. 9th - "Hayden"
Nov. 10th - "G.G."
(I'm beginning to think he thinks he can only be thankful for people...lol)
Nov. 11th - presents
Nov. 12th - sandwhiches
Nov. 13th - "nakie time"
Nov. 14th - chips
Nov. 15th - horses
Nov. 16th - cake ("hey, I want to eat cake!")
Nov. 17th - "basketti" (spaghetti)
Nov. 18th - paper
Nov. 19th - belly buttons
Nov. 20th - basketball

Bed Rest...day 3

Well, I just decided this would be a good way to journal my thoughts and feelings for the last 11 weeks of my pregnancy. I got the idea from my friend Martha, who has one of these lovely blog "thingys" too. Everything I read online tells me that it's healthy to keep a journal when you're on bedrest. "They" (whoever that may be) say that your child will enjoy reading it one day...not sure she's really going to care what TV shows I watched or which magazines I read...but whatever, I'll give it a try. At least it gives me one more thing to do everyday right?! Don't feel bad if you start to read this and then never want to return for an update, I wouldn't either, trust me! :0)

So...I got a call from my OB's nurse on Friday (Sept. 28th) and she told me that I was to go on bedrest....until delivery. Yuck! I have low amniotic fluid, and it has been fluxuating for 3 weeks now...unstable, up and down, so they decided it was safest for me just to sit in my bed day and night. I am allowed one shower a day, to go to the bathroom (gee, thanks!), and to make myself a sandwhich if I'm home by myself. Friday was terrible, but I decided there really wasn't anything else to do but suck it up, so that's what I did. I think it's going to take lincoln a lot longer to adjust to the idea than it has me. My mother has been AWESOME this weekend getting me all set up and taking care of Hunter.

Here's the list of things that I'm already depressed about missing out on:

1. Watching the fall leaves change colors and getting to drive down toward Meremec Springs and look at all the pretty colors
2. Taking Hunter to the Halloween party that my friends are having.
3. Going to the pumpkin patch
4. Taking Hunter Trick-or-Treating
5. Christmas shopping at the pretty decorated malls
6. Helping to prepare Thanksgiving dinner

Of course there's teaching at The Dance Studio, Color Guard, going to MOPS, Bible Study, Church...all the daily / weekly things that I enjoyed doing so much.

I'm doing pretty well as far as my emotional state is going thus far...it's not been too bad yet actually, but I think in 3 weeks I might be going crazy...I am just remembering the 10 days in the hospital before Hunter was born, and it was pretty bad.

Well, I guess I'm going to start my "in bed scrapbooking adventure". I've got about 2.5 hours hours before my boys get home...so I'm going to try to pass the time! :0)

Ash

March of Dimes Walk

Hello everyone!

I wanted to let you all know that Hunter and I will be doing the March of Dimes Walk in Rolla this upcoming Sunday, May 6th. I feel very connected to this organization because of their mission to help premature babies. I’ve done a lot of research on the March of Dimes organization since Claire was born, and I am a firm believer in their work.

I also believe that it is very important to get Hunter involved in giving to charities and helping others in any way that he can early on. Thus far it's just been giving to the Bell Ringers at Christmas time, etc., but this will be his first charity walk! He and I are both very excited about it! We want him to develop a life long habit of helping others!

I have created a personal fund raising website off of the March of Dimes homepage. If you feel led to donate to this organization, but would not like to donate online, I am more than willing to pick up cash or a check from you sometime before the walk on Sunday. I promise that you will be helping families just like mine who have suffered the loss of a child.

Thank you and God Bless,
Ashley and Hunter

What a guy!

I just wanted to let everyone know that Lincoln is the best husband EVER! :0) I had a TERRIBLE day on Saturday and when I got home he surprised me with a hot bath with candles and brought me in my favorite ice cream! It just doesn't get a lot better. It meant so much to me that he took into consideration how stressed I was and wanted to do something to make it better! What a guy!

Claire's Birthday

Well, Saturday (the 10th) is Claire's birthday. It's amazing to think that my little girl would be a year old already! With her birthday coming up, I have really done some soul searching...it's been very good for me.

I try to stop for a few minutes every day and remember all the blessings that God has given me. It's absolutely amazing. I have a wonderful husband, a perfect (okay in my eyes he's perfect) 2.5 year old son, two children waiting for me in Heaven, we have stable jobs, own our own home, and have huge supportive families. Life really couldn't get a lot better! I think everyone should try to take a few minutes everyday to thank God for everything He's given them.

I hope that in whatever situation you may find yourself, you are able to find the good in it. Know that God is working for a bigger picture. Our family picture!

Disc Golf Road Trip

Lincoln left tonight for a 4 day road trip disc golfing with his brothers. He's only been gone 1.5 hours, but I already miss him. Funny how you take things for granted when they're right here with you, but I was thinking about what would happen if he were to pass away in a car accident or something while he was gone. What would Hunter and I do...how would we go on? Makes me realize what a big responsibility having a child is! It also made me realize that although I complain sometimes, he really is the best husband anyone could ask for, and he helps me so much, whether it's literally helping me like around the house or with Hunter, or if it's helping me mentally work through issues, or just keeping me company and making me a better person.

I guess it all boils down the fact that:

I am so in love with my husband, and it feels good to be able to honestly say that after being together for over 5 years!

I miss you honey, and although you probably won't read this until you get back...have a safe trip and come back to your family safe and sound! :0)

No Motivation

I just wanted to let you all know that I'm sitting here at my desk with absolutely NO motivation to do ANYTHING. I have work that needs to be done, and I'm thinking about all the CRAP I have to do when I get home tonight. Cook dinner, start packing our house, etc...and I just don't want to do any of it. :0( If anyone has any suggestions as to how to get me motivated, please share!

New House!

Lincoln, Hunter, and I are buying a new house! I'm so very excited! It's absolutely beautiful inside! We have my dream fireplace in the living room, and HUGE eat in kitchen, and a spare bedroom that we're for now making into an office / playroom. (Also a dream of mine to be able to shut the door on Hunter's toys!) One of my favorite aspects (besides all that...) is that our walk in closet is in our bathroom, so I dont' have to leave the warm bathroom after my shower to get dressed. It also saves me from having to keep my closet so nice. (I always feel like I can't show people our bedroom because our closet is so messy!)

hee hee, anyway, I'm just pumped! It's big enough to have Bible Study at (and all be able to eat at the kitchen table) and Guard Parties! I can't wait to take our picture around the Christmas Tree! Yippy!

We close on October 20th, so anyone who wants to come and help move...come on!!! :0)

I'll put a photo up tomorrow (Kara, Mom, Lincoln, Carl, Hunter, and I going tonight to take them and get measurements of windows, etc.)

PS - Hunter already knows that his new bedroom is going to be green and that we're going to live next to the pony and G.G.!!