This is real life

Last night I slept from 4:30 p.m. - 7:50 a.m. 15 hours. straight.

Sure, I could've gotten up, but it was easier not to. It was easier not to deal with real life.

My children weren't misbehaving. My husband has been extremely helpful lately.

So, why the ridiculous amount of sleep? I'm stressed. Welcome to my life as a high school / college student. This is what I do. I hibernate. The world could be falling down around me, yet, I sleep.

It's partially this time of year. My world fell apart around this time 4 years ago. I faced what I never dreamed I would have to; the loss of a child...for the second time in a row. As much as I try to stay busy and avoid any memories, thoughts, or recollections, they come flooding back, replaying in my mind as vivid as they were the days they were happening.

I'm also mentally exhausted. It hit me the other day that if we had just gotten pregnant in March '09 when we started this adoption process we would already have a baby. Do I regret the decision to adopt rather than have another biological child...never, no way, absolutely not. But, the honest part of international adoption is this: it's heart wrenching. You attach yourself to a child or children thousands of miles away on anther continent. You've never seen them, you don't know their life story. All you know is that you've committed to loving and raising these kids for the rest of your life. And you can't hold them. You can't tuck them into bed. You miss setting plates for them at meal times. You wonder when their birthday is and if they've ever heard of Santa Clause. You can't wait to teach them to pray and see them ask Jesus into their hearts. You miss your kids. Everyday.

So, I woke up this morning, rested and ready to tackle another day. Another great day with my two children here with me. Ready to do a couple of loads of dishes, a few loads of laundry, and to clean my bedroom. It's another typical day in our home, yet I'm always on pins and needles, waiting for the phone call that will change our family forever...the one that tells me I've got another child coming home.