Discipline that speaks to the heart of your child

This is the last post about my Hearts at Home Conference.  Next year's National Conference is March 12-13th, in Normal, IL at the University.  Please let me know if you're interested in going and we'll get a group together...it's something every mom should attend!!!  Think of it as "professional development"!  Every other vocation in the world requires their employees to keep current on the market...why shouldn't we?!

The last workshop that I went to was entitled "Finding the discipline that connects to the heart of your child".  The presenters were Jim and Lynne Jackson.  This workshop was not exactly what I was 'hoping' for, but I did get lots of new ideas and concepts from it.  I may not agree with all of the ideas, but I thought many of them were wonderful!

The best illustration I learned in this workshop was that of hands.  Close your hands into fists and then hit them together.  All they do is bounce off each other.  There is no chance for togetherness.  Now open them and hit them together.  Sometimes your fingers will inter-twine.  Now there is a chance to connect and create something new.  I need to start thinking of my discipline as using an open hand rather than a closed fist.  

• Discipline is to shape not only behavior, but to build a heart.
• Changing a heart will carry them beyond the four walls of your home.

Four 'steps' to discipline that speaks to the heart of your child:

1.  Foundation:  Stop, breathe, and get some perspective.

• We need to decide what we can do to prepare for times where discipline is needed.
• You can not view your child and their behavior as a reflection on how good of a person or parent you are.
• View parenting and discipline as God calling you to influence your child's life.
• Parents often unload their baggage, fears, etc. on our kids rather than taking care of the problem at hand.
• When we are in a crisis our frameworks emerge...what are yours?!
• Steps for when discipline is needed:

1.  Stop and breathe and get some perspective

2.  Slow all actions and speech

3.  Begin to identify false beliefs (i.e. he's a bad child).

4.  Ask yourself how can I help them grow from this situation?

5.  Be honest with your child about your frustrations and the fact that you need to work as a team to solve the problem.   

Always remember:  "This is hard, but I'm not alone, and God gave me the strength to do it!"

2.  Connection - Convince my child of my love.

• Children need to know that we are with them in this life.
• Keep the message of love alive every day
• We need to remember that our children aren't out to get us, they are out to get our attention and energy!
• We also need to ask for forgiveness from our children when we screw up just like we expect them to do with us.  
• One way to connect with your child is to try to relate to their misbehavior.  Tell them a story about when you misbehaved when you were younger, or how you struggle with the same kind of behavior even now as an adult, and how you overcome it.  

Always remember:  We need to learn to receive the lavishing love to God that we may allow it to overflow on our children.

3.  Proaction - Take a proactive action

• Always look for the gift that is under the misbehavior.  If your child is bossy, they may make a great leader, if your child colors on the walls, they may be a very talented artist.  You need to find the gift and then help them re-direct it for good.
• Don't wait for the child to misbehave to teach the lesson.  You need to A.C.T.
• Affirm anything worthy of praise, Phillipians 4:8
• Create the opportunity for children to use their gifts by making wiser choices.

1.  When they misbehave allow them to use their gift for the positive rather than the negative.  For example, if your child has great verbal skills, but used them to belittle his sister, make him use those same verbal skills to say 4 great things about his sister!

2.  Allow "do-overs" in your home.  We use this in our house when Hunter is whining.  I tell him I'm going to give him 2 minutes to practice saying what he is saying in a normal big boy voice and then I will allow him to "do it over" and ask again...erasing the first try!  

• Teach and train children about natural consequences.  If they are being mean to another child, most likely that child will say "you're mean, I don't want to play with you anymore".  There is a natural consequence.  This child will learn real-life applications.  If you're mean to people, they won't want to be friends with you anymore.  To me, "if you're mean to other children, then you'll get a spanking" doesn't make any sense or teach a child anything about real life. 

4.  Correction - Use helpful consequences

• We need to correct the child for their benefit (so that they will learn something or not get hurt) rather than for our relief.  If I were to be honest I would admit that there are times when I just can't take the behavior anymore therefore I discipline so that I don't have to hear it, see it anymore...not because it will benefit my children.
• Thoughtfully choose a strategy.  If this means taking a step back (as long as the child won't get hurt) before implementing discipline that is okay.  
• The most important part of discipline is HOW it is done, not WHAT is done.  
• The Bible shows us over and over that God often disciplines us with logical consequences and loss of privilege.  Why don't we mimic this more often?
• The consequences should be related and reasonable.  If the child colors on the walls, take away the crayons and make him help you clean the wall.  Those are related consequences, a spanking is not in any way related to the crime.  Also, make him help you clean THE wall that he colored on, not all the walls in the entire house.  That is not a reasonable consequence.  
• Parents must always set the rules, explain the rules to the children, and then follow though!