My list of accomplishments

Our homework for our small group this week was to make a list of things we have accomplished in our life that we are proud of. Things that we have done that we felt good about. Things we felt natural while doing.  So...what better place to keep my list then right here?!

1. Giving birth to Hunter naturally. I had my mind set on doing it and I was able to accomplish it. It felt good to know that I was doing what I believed was best for my child. It was great to set my mind to something and to find the strength in my own body to accomplish it. It was something that I did with my own will, and no one else helped me.

2. Planning my children's birthday parties. I've done it 5 times now (4 for Hunter and 1 for Graysen), and I have loved the process and outcome of every single event. I really enjoy seeing a day be all about 1 person - especially my child!

3. Loving my kids. Although I readily admit to not always having all the answers about raising my children I do feel like I have always had the natural instinct to love them. The unconditional love that I am assured (and I hope that they are as well) that NO MATTER what they do I will always love them. Nothing in the world can change that. It wouldn't matter if they committed murder, chose a lifestyle that I don't agree with, or decided to never speak to me again; I know without a shadow of a doubt, I will love them as much then as I do today.

4.  Nursing.  (I'm seeing that all of my accomplishments have to do with my children...)  I feel so strongly about this subject and I had to work hard to succeed.  Again - the best parts of it were the accomplishment of doing what I believe is best for my children, the fact that I overcame several "road blocks", and the bonding that occurred during the many long hours!

5.  Finally forgiving my Dad for leaving my family.  And...continuing to forgive every time he hurts my mom, sister, and I.  I lived with anger, resentment, and guilt for so many years that it was a huge accomplishment to move past that and let go of all of the negative feelings.  

6.  Dancing when I was young.  I loved my hours of dance every night.  I always danced with people who were several years older than me giving me the idea that I was fairly good.  

7.  Singing in Girls 6 and Mixed 8 in High School.  I always greatly enjoyed the time with these people and hearing the our voices together.  

Hopefully I'll be able to think of more and add to this list before Wednesday!  :0)

Personal God

When I was in Chicago my girlfriends and I had an awesome conversation about religion and God. I am still (a month later) in awe at how much I learned during that conversation. Not only did I learn a lot about each girl's religious views, I learned a lot about our God.

I was amazed at the fact that although two of us are Catholic, and two of us were raised Baptist and currently attend the same Christian Church, we all four had different views and beliefs - on God and our religion. Each person had a different idea about being saved, the importance of attending church services, the definition of sin, and communion. I found it so very interesting that although we all four love and serve the same God, we had such varied thoughts.

I stand in amazement at our God and how personal He is. How He wants a personal relationship with each one of us and how that plays out in our every day lives. I'm so blessed that He thinks enough of me to wait patiently for me to come to Him each day.

Super Duper Sunday

Today was a Super Duper Sunday! Here are a few of the reasons why:

1. Lincoln was off work - which meant that I finally got to feel what it would be like to be a normal family and have the weekend off together.

2. My Grandma went to church with us. I so enjoyed having her sitting next to me during the service and afterward she said "I see why you guys want to go to that church! I really enjoyed the sermon and it is full of people your age!"

3. I got to see Ally and Mya be dedicated. I believe that dedicating your life to raise your children in a Christian household is so important and special. Britt and Nick have been gracious enough to be there to support Lincoln and I both times we dedicated our children, and it was very special to me to be there to support them as well.

4.  I was able to worship this morning.  We sang two of my favorite songs "Breathe" by Michael W. Smith and "Your Grace is Enough" by Chris Tomlin.  I have been able to let go of the stress the last two days and it was so nice to have nothing else to think about during worship time this morning.  The days when I am able to let go of everything else and truly sing to the Lord  are the best days.

5.  After we got home from lunch we had "Redburn Family Rest Time"! It was a wonderfully quiet few hours in my home when Graysen and Lincoln were napping, Hunter was watching a few of his favorite shows, and I got to finish up laundry, blog, and take some mental health time for myself.

6.  After church I put on Lincoln's sweatshirt from yesterday, so it smelled like his cologne.  I love wearing his big oversized sweatshirts (especially when they smell like him) and jeans!

7.  I got to take a bath and watch part of the "Very Duggar Wedding" Special on TV.    

Recipes from the Duggars!

Here are some of my favorite recipes from The Duggar's book, 20 and counting:

1. Poor Man's Pizza - preheat oven to 450. Lay out slices of bread, spread spaghetti sauce to the edges, sprinkle on shredded cheese. Bake for 5-10 minutes.

2. BBQ Tuna - drain tuna and add LOTS of BBQ Sauce on - spread on buns, bread, or crackers!

3. Layered Ice Cream Cake - In a 9x13 pan layer the following:
1st layer: 12 ice cream sandwiches
2nd layer: half of a container of cool whip
3rd layer: 1 king sized Butterfinger chopped, half of a squeeze bottle of chocolate syrup, half of a squeeze bottle of caramel topping
4th layer: 12 more ice cream sandwiches
5th layer: Other half of the Cool Whip
6th layer: Repeat 3rd layer

Freeze and eat!

4. Hash-Brown Casserole - Preheat oven to 350. Crush 3 cups of corn flakes in a plastic bag and pour 1/2 stick melted butter in and shake. Mix 2 cans of cream of chicken soup, 1/2 cup of whipping cream, 2 tea. onion powder, pinch of salt, and 1/2 tea. of pepper together. Spray two 9x13 pans with oil. Layer each pan as follows: 1/2 a (32 oz) bag of frozen hash browns, soup mixture, shredded cheddar cheese. Repeat layers. Top each casserole with the crushed corn flakes. Bake 45 minutes. Serves 20.

5. Oven fries - Preheat to 450. Cut potato into quarters lengthwise. Rub potato with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Sprinkle on the seasoning of your choice (they recommend garlic powder, salt and pepper, or chili powder). Lay on baking sheet - bake for 20 minutes until golden brown and fork tender.

Life is not a fairy tale

Life is not a fairy tale. Sure, boy and girl meet, they fall in love, they get married, and they have babies. I'm one of these people. From the outside, my life may look like a fairy tale. I started dating my husband my senior year of HS, he was my senior prom date. We got married, moved back to our home town, had a baby, bought a house, he works, I stay home. Sounds picture perfect right? At times, it is. At others, it's a nightmare. We had lots of major issues before we got to the marriage point. We had to work for our relationship. We had to fight for it. We had to overcome disapproving friends and family. We had to compromise on a lot of things. We had our break ups, we always decided it was better together than apart. We had our son first - it was great, we were in Heaven...until we were both sleep deprived and Hunter wouldn't lay down without crying. Until we couldn't go out with our friends doing something spectacularly fun for the first time because we had a responsibility to be home with our child. That's when reality sets in. When the bills come in and there isn't enough money to pay them all. When you have a child die. When you have to work such long hours that you don't even lay eyes on your child for 3 days because every time you're home they are sleeping...and the spouse at home has to deal with the child who bursts into tears because they see a picture of you and miss you. These are the real parts of life.

What brings me to this rampage you ask? I just watched the Notebook. Movies like that make me mad. I will do everything in my power to make sure Gray does not watch such silliness. It sets girls up with totally unrealistic expectations of love and life.

If you are the mother of a daughter - please make sure she knows that is NOT how real life is. I think it will save a lot of heartache.

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear

I have been going through lots of inner struggles lately. I have kept a lot of feelings, goals, wants, dreams, etc. locked up inside me because I was afraid of what the response would be if I voiced them. Today, the woman who knows me best in the whole world made me hear them. She voiced what I have been feeling in the last year and had been avoiding. It was hard for me to hear it. It made me sick to my stomach, it made me cry. She vocalized exactly what I have been feeling, but too afraid to admit - even to myself. After my conversation with her, I was able to say it. I was able to voice it to my husband just like she just had. And guess what? He was in agreement! I should've just voiced my feelings all along. It re-affirmed my faith in myself and my relationships. It was a great day. I finally had a sense of peace.

Baby Fever...

I'm always amazed at the phenomenon of baby fever. Although there are no physical symptoms (that our husbands can see) - the effects of it are very real in the heart of a woman. When I'm hit with baby fever I find it hard to function doing anything else without thinking about being pregnant or having a newborn.

Sure, there's the uncomfortableness of being pregnant (lucky - or maybe unlucky for me, I haven't ever been sick), there's the lack of sleep with a newborn, there's the diapers, the crying. But there's something about the feel of that baby kicking in your tummy, and the smell of a newborn that is totally worth all the "crummyness" of the situation.

Sadly, I feel the urge lots - every time I hear a baby name that I want to use, every time someone announces that they are pregnant, every time I pass a maternity store in the mall, and every time I see a newborn. Whew - it's really hard for me. I would have a dozen if I did pregnancy well and if we could afford them. No lie.

25 Random Things About Me

1. I love getting a taste of sweets, therefore I always have something baked, but we throw away more pies, cakes, brownies, cookies, etc. at my house than any other house in America!

2. I love the freedom of forgetting my cell phone at home. I've had one ever since I could drive, so I never knew what it was like to venture off without that added security. I feel very adventurous when I'm out without it!

3. I love having a clean house. I literally sleep better at night when my house is clean and picked up. Too bad it doesn't happen often enough.

4. Although I grew up with a dog of my own from age 3 to freshman year of HS, I honestly don't ever want another dog. I'm not one of those people who get attached to pets.

5. Sometimes instead of a traditional prayer time at night I sing to God. I love singing worship songs.

6. I always feel like I don't have any clothes, but I hate to shop for myself, so I really shouldn't complain.

7. I still walk through the baby isles at Wal-Mart (or any store I'm at) every single time I'm there even though I don't have a baby anymore. I think I always will.

8. I used to feel like I needed new everything - now my favorite material things come from garage sales, Salvation Army, and Antique Malls.

9. I don't enjoy watching a movie or reading a novel twice (there are the exceptions, but even with those I need a few years between each viewing.) I already know what's going to happen! (I can on the other hand read self help books over and over because I gain new insight depending on where I am in my life)

10. I really like quiet time. Sad, but true, I'm one of those moms that needs some quiet time to myself to keep my patience the rest of the day.

11. I used to love Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, but then I heard that the Uni-bomber ate a gallon of it for his last meal and it's never tasted quite the same since then. My new favorite is probably Rocky Road.

12. I don't keep in touch with any of my ex-boyfriends.

13. I love planning parties. Weddings, birthday parties, play dates, holiday get togethers...just about anything! (I love the planning stage way more than the actual event where I always feel stressed about visiting with everyone!)

14. I did not like tea at all until I entered Lincoln's family - now some may say I'm addicted to VERY sweet tea!

15. I adore pictures of my children. I would go get their pictures taken professionally once a month if I didn't feel ridiculous!

16. My sister and I didn't get along very well when we were younger, but today I can honestly call her my best girlfriend.

17. I used to feel like a trip to Rolla was nothing, but these days it's a big undertaking and wish that we could move there just to be closer to everything.

18. I love to stay busy - I really only like down time if it's just me by myself. Otherwise I want a planned activity.

19. I believe that love is a choice - not a feeling at all really.

20. I hate Valentine's Day - it's sooooo over rated!

21. I love to eat out...like sit down restaurant eat out - drive through doesn't even count as eating out to me anymore.

22. I think my all time favorite restaurant is Red Lobster - I might be able to eat there 3 nights a week!!!

23. I have to have my socks on to go to sleep.

24. I can't stand snoring. It is impossible for me to fall asleep if Lincoln (or anyone else) is snoring.

25. I really struggled to come up with 25 of these - it was easy up until about number 15!

Yet another lesson from the Duggar's:

The 10 unchangeable things about ourselves that make each person a unique individual:

1. The way God made us
2. Our Parents
3. Our brothers and sisters
4. Our nationality
5. Our mental capacity
6. Our time in history
7. Our gender
8. The fact that we grow older as the years pass
9. Our birth order and placement in our family
10. The fact that life is a race against time and the best way to use that time is to serve God and others.

When you really think about these things they are very true. I am going to try to remember these things when I get down on who I am and what I'm doing (or not doing) to make a difference.

Emotional and Behavioral Goals

I got this list from the Duggar's Book: 20 and Counting. I found it so good that I had to record it.

1. Always use soft words, even when you don't feel good.
2. Always display kind actions, even when you have been mistreated
3. Show joyful attitudes even when no one is looking
4. Have sincere motives with no thought of self - gain
5. Think pure thoughts
6. Always give a good report of others. Never tattle-tell unless physical harm will come to someone. Use Matthew 18.
7. Never raise a hand to hit
8. Never raise a foot to kick
9. Never raise an object to throw
10. Never raise a voice to yell
11. Never raise an eye to scowl
12. Use one toy / activity at a time
13. Never let the sun go down on your wrath.
14. Amendment J.O.Y: Put Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. Make serving your family a priority.

I miss my Grandpa

Today is the anniversary of my Grandpa's death. I miss him. He died when I was in 4th grade - but I still have very vivid memories of him. I still use so many of "his" phrases. I still go visit his grave site (it's just up from Claire's). I still think from time to time - Grandpa would be proud, or Grandpa would love watching Hunter do this, or hearing Hunter say that.

I miss sitting on his lap.

I miss making games with his foot stool.

I miss his funny food obsessions.

I miss him asking me to recite my favorite book to him even though I know he didn't really want to hear it again.

I miss his phrases - My favorite: "You make a better door then a window" (probably because I heard this one the most!)

I miss seeing my mom sitting in the living room having a conversation with him. I know she treasured his advice more than anyone else in the whole world.

I miss saying "I'm going to Grandma and Grandpa's house"

I miss watching my Grandma put his socks and shoes on.

I miss going the car lot when we got into town VERY FIRST.

I miss the making up games on the square tiles at the car lot and getting M&M's off the desk.

I miss my Grandpa and can't WAIT until I get to hug him again.

Give Claire and extra big hug and kiss for me tomorrow Grandpa - thank you for being there to hold her while I can't.

I love you.

How do you cope?

How do you cope when you are going through something that is a downer to you? I hear of people who eat, or don't eat. People who work out obsessively, people who cry, who crave time to themselves. There are so many coping methods you can't possibly name them all.

I'm sure I've written about this before, but when I was in HS I coped by sleeping. I would sometimes sleep for like 18 hours at a time...not always at night either. I had the back bedroom in my basement and there were no windows. It was like a sleeping heaven! Dark, quiet - awesome for escaping the world's problems. At least for the time being... Eventually I had to wake up and face the world again, but it sure was nice to have a place and way to forget all my worries for a period of time.

Obviously when I had my kids I could no longer sleep like that. Someone had to care for them, and since Lincoln and I have always worked opposite shifts, that was usually me. No more sleeping for Mommy. So - what did I find as a coping method? Escaping - escaping my responsibilities, escaping the quiet of my own mind. Lately I have found myself going out with my girlfriends for 1/2 price appetizers after work, going to movies with my MOPS group and out for coffee afterward, going to my Mom's house to walk (for 2 hours straight), taking 2 hour baths, etc. These are not normal activities for me. Yes, during most of them Lincoln was available to care for the kids, and at least one of them was sleeping...but still. Lincoln was home, and awake. Why did I not want to spend the time with him? It is not like me to escape my home like this. To get away from my family, my husband. I think it's because there's so much I want to say to him, but know that I've beat it into the ground over the last 3 years. He has heard everything I have to say (at LEAST 3 times). He never seems depressed this time of year, which is great - I don't want to drag him down with me. So - I avoid him.

Lincoln and I had a conversation about it tonight and he swears that he hasn't noticed anything different, (which is great!), but I have - and so...now I face the quiet of my own head and heart. I must face what is inside and deal with it.

Why...???

All We Know of Heaven

I just finished the book "All We Know of Heaven". It is loosely based on the car accident several years ago when two best girlfriends were mistaken...one died, the other lived and for 8 weeks they had the girls mixed up. Although I think I would have much preferred a book that was written about the scenario off of facts, this book was fairly interesting. I read it in two days (like I usually do) - which means that I enjoyed it. Sometimes I start a book, put it down for the night and never pick it back up. Blah. I heard about this book from someone who said it "turned their life around". They said it made them re-think everything they thought was normal. I would NEVER go that far when describing this book. I think it was a good story for me to read during this month because I could totally relate to both of the mothers while they went through their grieving stages. It made me feel better about my behavior after we lost Claire and then every year for these 4 weeks. Sometimes you just need someone to tell you that how you feel and what you do isn't so crazy afterall!

Kindergarten Thoughts

Sending my children to school scares the daylights out of me. Honestly. I have never enjoyed having anyone else watch my children for more than a few hours at a time. I have never wanted a stranger instilling thoughts, ideas, and life lessons on my children. That is my job. I have had a list for 2 years of which teachers I would be okay with Hunter having. I update the list every year as teachers move in and out of STJ Kindergarten. It's a very scary thing to send your child off to someone for a large part of the day to do the teaching that I really feel like God intended us as parents to do. It's not like a daycare or babysitter where you get to interview several prospects and pick which one you feel fits your child and family the best. There is no process of getting to know your child and then fitting them with a teacher who will best suit their learning style and other classmates who will encourage your child and bring the best qualities out in them.

I'm aware we can't shelter our kids forever, but 5 (or 6) is still VERY VERY young...there's far too much character building left to happen at that age to entrust someone else for 7 -8 hours a day to do it.

I've been reading The Dugger's Book and they home school and I have been really convicted. Don't get me wrong, I doubt that I'll end up being able to do it, just really feels like the right thing to do.

You ruined my life

Last Friday night was the first time I heard this come out of Hunter's mouth. I'm sure I will hear it several more times through the years (although I can always hope not...). Of course, at age 4 I ruined his life by making him sit in time-out for pushing his 1 year old sister down while I started the Wii Fit without him. Oh boy...

Wedding Invitations evoke many memories....

Today I went to STL to help my girlfriend make her wedding invitations. I am in her wedding April 4th. Of course, with all of her bridesmaids, aunts, and mom's friends, the talk today was very girly...very - loveish. (I know that's not a word.) It made me replay the days leading up to my own wedding. All of the preparations, all of the emotions, stress, excitement, exhaustion. Over lunch Amy asked us all to share the worst part about our own weddings with her. As I went around the room hearing women say "Uh, I got married. Ha ha, that was the worst part". Or "I married Mike". It made me really sad. I pray that I NEVER say that. I hope that I never have any reason to regret my marriage to Lincoln. Of course, I don't think that I'll ever regret it - because if nothing else, I have learned SO many lessons on marriage, relationships, and men. And most importantly - I have my children. When it came to me, I could honestly say - "I can't think of a single bad thing that happened that day." How lucky am I?! My wedding was awesome! Amy even agreed...(she was one of my bridesmaids as well) - the day was flawless. I didn't forget anything, no one made a scene, my unity candle didn't catch on fire (yes, that was truly one of the girls stories), and I married an AWESOME man.

During a period of my life when not too much looks happy, it was nice to be reminded of a flawless day in my life.

A day when nothing went wrong and all of my dreams were coming true.

Full-Time Help

If you could hire someone full time to make your life easier, what would their duties be?

Employee will do all laundry (including folding and putting away) and dishes. They will be available to cook meals when I am not in the mood, but will willingly step aside when I wish to do the cooking myself. Employee will clean my house throughly weekly - not just the vacuuming and dusting, but windows, window ledges, baseboards, ceiling fans, etc. Employee will happily switch their daytime hours for evening hours when I need a nanny for whatever reason. Employee will run errands for me when I am not in the mood, and will "hold down the fort" when I need a break from the house. Employee will cut the grass and landscape my yard. Employee can not have an existing friendship with any member of my family, but will be someone that I can see myself growing to love.

No facebook = more posts

I quit facebook today...therefore, I'm sure you will start noticing multiple posts per day from me. Since I print each of these out and put them in a binder for each of the kids, I'm planning on using this as more of a journal of our everyday life (as well as my other more thoughtful posts) like I used my facebook status for...hope it doesn't get too overwhelming for you!

Aspiration

Lincoln asked Hunter last night what he wanted to do when he got older. His response?

"Dad, I want to play football on TV and be in a dance crew!"

Yes!!!! I have to admit, it makes me happy. I know you're not supposed to "want" your child to do any certain activity, but let's all be honest, deep down don't we all want our child to do something that we love as well? Don't we want to share that passion with our children?

It did make me stop and think though - when and where is that line where you continue to encourage your child to do what they dream of, and love - but make sure that they are realistic and not dreaming of playing in the NFL when their chances are VERY slim of doing so.

It's a fine line - but for now, we'll dream big!

Multiple Blessings by Jon and Kate Gosselin and Beth Carson

HOLY COW.

This was honestly the most encouraging parenting book I have ever read in my whole life. For those of you who don't know me that well - that's a huge statement for me to make, because since the day I found out (okay, the day after) that I was pregnant with Hunter I have read every parenting book that I can get my hands on. I've gotten lots of good advice from all that I've read, but nothing has encouraged me to stay the course and keep on keepin' on like this one did.

The book is filled with sound biblical messages mixed with practical, true, honest parenting emotions. If you watch their show at all you know that Kate is pretty blunt. She is as well in this book, but there is nothing like sharing stories with an HONEST CHRISTIAN Mom.

I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone who is wanting to have children, pregnant, or already a parent. You don't have to be a parent of multiples to gain great insight and strength from this story.

No words could express how much I enjoyed this book. Please read it.

Chicken Salad = a hit!

I made the chicken salad recipe from my Mitford Cookbook. It was pretty darn good if I do say so myself. I didn't follow the recipe exactly - I put fewer green onions and added grapes. I didn't measure out my salt and pepper. But - it was tasty. It was really heavy, very filling. I only needed one small bowl and a roll and I was FULL! Lincoln felt the same way. Hunter did NOT enjoy it, so unfortunately chances are that I won't be making it very often...but, as always, he did eat his 3 bites.

Anyone else have a terrific chicken salad recipe they'd like to share?

Am I doing enough?

Lately I have been wondering if I am doing enough as a parent to raise my children in a Christian home. Am I teaching them to love The Lord their God with all of their hearts? I try my best every day to model good behavior and a relationship with God to my children. I take them to Sunday School and Church every week. We talk about God and to God on a daily basis in our home.

It's a fine line. I am a firm believer that every person (child or adult) has to form their own beliefs. They have to have their own opinions or they aren't going to be a true believer. Their belief system isn't going to be strong and firm enough to help them get through the challenges that life throws at us. So - do I want to shove religion down my children's throats? NO WAY. Do I want to force them to be in church every Sunday morning, night, and Wednesday? Again - no. But I do want to model the way that I believe is correct. I want to let them see that God is who has gotten me through the trenches of life.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Graysen has pneumonia.

That's right. I feel like I've hit my first medical failure as a parent with her. I had to rush Hunter to the ER when he was around this age as well...so that was my first with him. Anyway - she's only had a cough since Friday evening. I totally didn't think we would go and hear this news. I knew she had an ear infection since she literally screamed her head off every single time we laid her flat last night (it was a LONG night...). Ear infection - yes. "Monstrous" in fact...yes, those were Dr. Sean's words. Then he listened to her chest and heard a "crackle". Apparently, crackles aren't a good thing. She's had a breathing machine (nebulizer) since she was born basically, but has never required a chest X-Ray like we experienced today. It was terrible. Anyway, we went back down for Dr. Sean to read them, and sure enough...fluffy. Yup, his words again, she has a fluffy left lung. Pneumonia. We are on "lock down" until Friday, on breathing treatments every 4 hours, got a shot today at the Dr. and starts oral meds in the morning.

Please say an extra prayer for healing and patience for her two tired parents.

Because God made me that way...

Hunter recently had a conversation with one of our friends about his obsession with the word poop. The conversation went something like this:

Kim: "Hunter, why exactly do you like that word so much?"
Hunter: "What, poop?"
Kim: "yes, poop"
Hunter: dramatic pause..."Because God made me that way!"

Interesting - very interesting...

Today is a sad day.

Three years ago today Lincoln, Hunter, and I started out to Rolla with so much excitement in our hearts. We were headed to find out if our 2nd baby (3rd pregnancy) was going to be a boy or girl! We were so joyous because we had made it past the first trimester (when we had our loss with our 2nd pregnancy).

We got to the ultrasound room and the technician had lots of "problems" getting the baby to wake up and move around so she could get good measurements. After both a regular and vaginal ultrasound she promptly told us that we were going to need to go down and talk to Dr. Cunningham. We didn't have an apt. with her that day, so we knew something was wrong. Luckily Lincoln's cousin was our OB Nurse and she took Hunter from us when we got down to the office. While we waited for our doctor to get back from a delivery we talked about everything that we could come up with. I recounted to Lincoln every medical thing I could remember from all of my pregnancy books. We agreed that no matter what the problem was we would be okay and God would pull us through it. Then Dr. Cunningham came in and told us the news. Our baby would not live after she was born. She was missing half of her brain. This was not something that we had ever discussed. Not something I had ever read about. Not something we thought we could make it through. Blessed, as we were, Jamiee (our cousin) called both of our Moms and had them come immediately to the office to be with us and take care of Hunter. Dr. Cunningham escorted us down to another office for another Dr. to do an ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. Sure enough, he found the same thing. Anencephaly. A foreign word at that time, now the word has more meaning than I ever wanted it to. Dr. McCaul (the second doctor) explained the diagnosis to both of our mothers and us two more times and told us that our baby was a girl. Our first daughter. We left his office in tears and went back down to the first ultrasound room to get the pictures they took of our baby girl for us.

Though most of the day is now a blur of horrible memories, there are five things that I will forever remember crystal clear about that day.

1. I was shaking on the examining table while Dr. Cunningham was telling us the news so hard that Lincoln stood up to steady my shoulders. His touch was the most welcoming feeling I could've had at the time.

2. They escorted us through all the back doors so that we didn't have to go through waiting rooms and see other pregnant people or try to hide our tears. Even at the time I was extremely grateful for that.

3. Our first ultrasound tech (which we would go on to request for every ultrasound in our subsequent pregnancy) came down to Dr. McCaul's office and cried with us. She hugged me and whispered in my ear that she was so sorry that she couldn't tell me when she found it. She was so sorry that we had to sit and wait for Dr. Cunningham when she knew all along. And that she promised we would scan lots more babies together. I was so touched that she cried with me and apologized for something that she had no control over.

4. As we were coming out of the ultrasound room getting ready to leave the building Hunter was standing by the front doors with our moms and he reached out for me and said "Ma ma" - for the first time truly meaning me. God does give us little rainbows even in the mist of our biggest storms...we just have to look for them.

5. My pastor met us at our house when we got home. I'm still not sure who called him, but he had to had dropped whatever he was doing and ran to our home. How nice it was to have wise council to reassure us when we got back to the place where we already had the crib set up and now knew we would never be bringing a baby home to.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

What a challenge. It is so easy to want to "take over" and figure it out yourself. I have a belief that when God lays something on your heart he expects you to follow through. I don't think that he always smoothes the path in front of you. I don't think he always answers all questions before hand. If you are preparing to undertake a monumental task in your life and you have all the questions answered - it's probably not a God thing.

January Stinks...but March smells much better!

1. It's a huge let down directly following the holiday season.
2. I love visiting with our families over Christmas and then everyone goes back to their jobs and leaves me in my house with lots of kids and no adult interaction.
3. January 12th is the day that we were told that our middle daughter Claire would not live after her birth
4. My grandpa passed away on January 20th and every year my Grandma gets a little depressed. It's very hard to see her like that when she's almost 82 years old.
5. Our daughter Claire was born and died on Febuary 10, 2006. We burried her on Feb. 11th and that day is just as hard if not harder.
6. It's generally cold outside and I HATE being cold. The kids can't go outside and burn off energy and therefore are much harder to entertain with inside games.

By March I am always in much better spirits. I feel like the rains of spring come and wash away my sorrows. God sends me rainbows to look at, birds to listen to, and flowers to smell. Until then I just hang on...one day at a time.

Rut

Sometimes I get into a rut. I know we all do.

How do you deal with yours? Do you get a new job, new pet, new friends, new hobby? Do you go on vacation, cut your hair, take more time for yourself, have a baby? I think I've tried every single one of those things from time to time.

I find myself at the crossroads again...

3 Green Moves by Ashley

I have done three more "green" things this past week - two inspired yet again by Bethany. Without her I honestly think I might be totally nieve on this whole subject!

1. I ordered re-usable pads. Yup, I took the plunge. I haven't gotten them yet, but I'm VERY excited for them to come!

2. I did not bag my fresh veggies today at the store. Her voice popped in my head as I was pulling the bag down - "you're going to take them home and wash them anyway, why put them in a bag to "protect" them?"

3. This one is inspired by my sister (with a slight twist) - I am now refusing straws from waitresses. Why waste the plastic and paper when I don't need it? I used to ALWAYS use a straw at restaurants because I didn't want my mouth to touch the glass in case it wasn't very clean...but hello, I'm drinking the drink in that "dirty" glass! :0) Anyway - Kara always encourages me to leave the straw on the table, but I don't really think that they are going to put that back in the "to give out" pile - they are just going to scoop it up and throw it away - so now I tell the waitress "no straw" as she is handing me my glass.

I try to share all of my new steps with family members in hopes that they might do the same! :0)

So much to learn from a little one...

We can learn so much from watching babies.

Lincoln is horrible at multi-tasking. Actually - it's impossible. He CAN NOT listen and do ANYTHING else at the same time. So, I find myself saying to him, "Lincoln please look at me so I know that you're listening to me." I have to have eye contact in order to know that he's really taking in what is coming out of my mouth.

Graysen has started really blabbering lately. She gives people these long stories (not using any real words of course), but a lot of "L" tongue movements and other random sounds and mouth shapes. This morning she was sitting on my lap while I was working on the computer. She was talking away and I was responding to her with phrases such as "Really? Oh My! How interesting! I can't believe that! That's great." etc. All of a sudden she just grabbed my hair and whipped my head around to face her and gave me a very STERN "talking to"! After I continued to make eye contact with her she returned to her normal tone of voice. She wanted me to make eye contact with her so that she knew I was listening! She wanted me to stop multi-tasking and pay attention.

My - how much little ones know.

Recipe I've been wanting to use #1 - Pumpkin Pie

Well, I made my first pumpkin pie tonight. I used the recipe out of my Mitford Cookbook that I talked about earlier. It was really good! Nothing extra special about it - just a typical pumpkin pie, but I was pretty proud that I made it!

So - one recipe down from my list of "to makes"! I'm going to tackle the chicken salad tomorrow afternoon / evening - I'll let you know how it goes!

Tip to get your 4 year old to eat his food...

Alright, so those who know me best know that I HATE confrontation. I hate arguments. I will avoid them at all costs. So...some may say that what I'm about to tell you is wrong. That I should just be the parent and tell my son to sit down, be quiet, and eat his dinner. But - that's not who I am. So, this is what I have found works for us!

Hunter has always been a flighty eater. Don't get me wrong, he eats A LOT, basically all day every day, but he is rather picky with his food. We've gone through lots of stages over the years, starting with hiding food on the fork behind something else that he does like, cooking veggies in foods that wouldn't otherwise call for them, singing songs ( The bee goes buzzing around the barn, thought that he would do no harm, he went buzzzzzzzz), and most recently the "Tell me what your ____ thinks of it".

The rule is that he must take at least 3 bites of his meal before he is allowed to get down from the table. So, I give him a bite and say, "Hunter, tell me what your tongue thinks of it". He'll respond with "yucky, or eww, or surprisingly sometimes - YUMMY!" Then we move on to other parts of his body. Most of the time as long as I can keep coming up with body parts he'll keep eating the bites - well past number 3. You can always tell when he HONESTLY doesn't like something because when I go for bite number 4 he says - "no way mom, that was three bites!" Too smart!

Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook

I blogged about this cookbook (and the meat loaf recipe) just the other day, but I wanted to share some more of my favorites!

Baxter Apple Pie is the recipe that I followed for my very first apple pie. It turned out great!

The Doozie is one of Hunter's favorite sandwhiches. It's just peanut butter and cherios on bread, but I would've never thought of it before! It's very tasty, super easy to make, and I almost always have the ingredients!

The next recipes from the book that I want to try are Puny's Banana Bread, Cynthia's Pumpkin Pie, and Cynthia's Chicken Salad. I also want to make the Christmas Smell the next time we have guests over.

Lincoln is actually picking up the missing ingredients for the banana bread and pumpkin pie tonight after he gets out of practice - we might just have pie as desert tonight!!

I like meat loaf!

I really like meat loaf. I don't think that most people do, but I think it's great! I just recently started making it for my family. Hunter isn't a huge fan (although with enough ketchup and the "tell me what your ___ thinks about it" game he'll eat anything), but Gray and Lincoln love it as much as I do!

I use the recipe from one of my favorite cook books "Jan Karon's Mitford Cookbook and Kitchen Reader". I ordered this cookbook after I finished the Mitford Series and craved more of my "lost friends". This book includes the recipe for every dish mentioned in the books (and there are a lot of them!).

Saute some green pepper in a skillet with oil. Mix 2 lbs. of ground round, 1 cup of oats, 2 beat eggs, sauted green pepper, 1 (8oz) can of tomato sauce, and some salt and pepper in a bowl. Press the mixture into a loaf pan and book on 350 for 1 hour. Take out, drain juice from pan, pour ketchup over the top, and put back in for 15 minutes.

My mom bought me my first loaf pan for Christmas! It's a Pampered Chef stoneware loaf pan and I used it last night (for meat loaf) for the first time! I LOVE it! It worked great, cooked very evenly, and was, as with all stonewear, super easy to clean!

It's okay: to my kids

Hunter and Graysen,

I want you to know that when you're a parent it's okay to do a few things that you'll probably feel guilty about.

It's okay to put your child in the highchair in front of the TV in order to get a shower in that day.

It's okay to let your child stay in their bed after they wake up as long as they aren't crying. Hunter, you woke up crying every time, but Graysen would sit in her bed and talk for a half an hour sometimes.

It's okay for your baby to be nursed past a year. It's also okay to continue using a bottle at bedtime a little over a year - there's nothing magical that happens on their first birthday...I promise.

It's okay for your child to have a Happy Meal for dinner because you're too tired to cook. (We all have those nights!)

It's okay for your house to be messy - as long as your family is happy.

It's okay to have "special days" (Hunter, that's what you call them) where you eat ice cream for breakfast, stay in your PJ's all day, and just lay around and watch movies together. Those are what memories are made from.

Two are twice the work

Two children are definitely twice the work...maybe more. I have had people in the past tell me that once you have one, there's not much of a difference in having more than one. I think they're wrong.

I'm so impressed with all the single parents out there with more than one child. You all are saints - I can only imagine your daily struggle to keep things fair, give equal amounts of love, time, and energy to each child when there is only one of you to go around. I find myself struggling and stressing over these things the three days a week when I am basically a single parent (my husband works 12 hour weekend shifts). I find myself losing patience much more easily when I can't escape to take a hot shower by myself at least once a day. Sad, but it's the honest truth of parenting.

I think back to the days of having only Hunter - wow, how easy were those! We were able to do all kinds of fun projects together without any struggle or interruption. We were able to snuggle to go to sleep every night. We were able to take car trips at the drop of a hat. Now everything is more complicated. Not that it's always bad - I wouldn't give up Graysen for anything in this world - but the simple fact is - two is at LEAST twice the work!

Things to Remember

1. When Hunter was a baby he called a cookie a "cook cook" - my sister just remembered this yesterday when we were trying to teach Graysen the word. It's amazing what you think you'll never forget...and then you do.

2. Hunter could NOT say the word "drink" for the longest time. He was probably three by the time he actually started pronouncing the word correctly on a regular basis. He called it an "ink" for a long time, and then moved on to "fink".

3. Graysen twirls her hair when she's going to sleep. From the day she was born she played with her hair when she got tired, but now it's long enough that she actually twirls it around her first finger and then pulls on it until it slides out of her hand. Her Grammie does this exact same thing!

New Years Resolution?

I gave up making a New Years Resolution lots of years ago. I don't believe in them. There is nothing about it being the first day of a new year that is going to motivate me to do something new with my life. I'm no more likely to start watching what I eat or exercising on Jan. 1st then I am any other day of the year. I believe that there are very few things that can change overnight, so why would the night of December 31st to January 1st be any different?

Instead, I like to take a look at my life and see what things I would like to accomplish over the next few years. Here's what I think my goals are going to be:

1. Continue working on becoming a better housekeeper
2. Decide upon a future career
3. Learn and cook at least 10 new recipes
4. Go a straight month without soda (but I say that one every year)
5. Continue to try to make God my number 1 priority, my husband my 2nd, and my children my 3rd. (2 and 3 often times get mixed up for me)
6. Start planning our next Disney World Vacation
7. Save two times the amount of money for our Christmas Jar as we did last year
8. Become more familiar with the stories of the Bible

New Years Eve

I love holidays because I love seeing how everyone chooses to celebrate them. I feel like I get to know each person better by viewing what they deem important as each holiday comes around. Not that any one way is the RIGHT way to celebrate a holiday, it's just everyone's personal choices. Some people think we're wrong for doing the whole Santa thing with our kids, we don't understand those who don't do it. Some people can't stand the Easter Egg dying fiasco - I bask in the messiness of it! We're all different - it's what makes the world go round...right?!

New Years Eve is yet another holiday that I have strong feelings about (I bet you're quickly learning that I have strong feelings about a lot of things huh?!). I am a firm believer in the statement "What you're doing at midnight is a picture into the next year of your life". Silly, I know. Superstitious - YES. Anyway you look at it - I believe it. I REFUSE to be without my husband and all children at midnight. I don't mind if we're out (although I would prefer to be at home), as long as we're all together. My ideal night would be to stay at home - possibly have one or two other couples over - and just play games, watch movies, and eat good food together. Snuggle my kids into bed with us and feel the safety and security that togetherness brings.

What am I going to do when my kids get old enough to want to go to New Years Eve parties with their friends? I'm not sure. Will I make them come home before midnight instead of staying the night? Possibly. I suppose we'll just see what my kids are like, who they are wanting to spend it with, and what the plans are. Hopefully they'll just want to throw the party at our house!! :0)

My husband and I struggled with this difference shortly before we got married. He was a partier. I was not. We did not spend our first New Years together while we were dating. He did end up calling me sometime in the night to come pick him up from the party and bring him back to my parents house...not a good situation. Our second New Years was spent together on the beaches of Hawaii watching fireworks. It was a good night. Our third New Years was a little over a month before we got married. We both spent it in STL, but him with his friends, and me with mine. Again, he called shortly after midnight for me to come pick him up. After we were husband and wife he grew up and realized that New Years in not all about partying, but about bringing in a New Year with the ones that you love.

Every December 31st is the start of another challenging year. It's a year that we'll go through ups and downs in our marriage. It's a year of disappointments and joys. It's a year of learning to be better parents while making some mistakes along the way. It's a year with losses and gains. You can be assured of these things no matter what year it's going to be.

Whatever you're doing a midnight I hope that you are enjoying yourself and those around you!

Staples

Every household has food staples that they keep in their house at all times. When a staple is gone, you definitely know it! I have started noticing since I've become an adult that every house has different staples. You would think that my staples would be the same as my mom's since I was raised in her home, but that's not always the case. I find this funny.

Here's the list of our staples:

Pantry:
Goldfish crackers
Cream of mushroom soup
Cream of Celery soup
Cream of Chicken soup
Nacho Cheese Soup
Brownie Mix
Cake Mix
Flour
Sugar
Fruit snacks
Syrup
Kraft Mac and Cheese
Hot Chocolate Mix

Fridge:
Milk
Chocolate Syrup
Ranch
Eggs
Ketchup
Mustard
Tortillas
Shredded Cheddar Cheese
Lunch meat
Sliced American Cheese
Caffeine free pepsi

Freezer:
Frozen Pizza (usually two)
Waffles
Ice cream (usually Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough)
Juice


What is your most important staple?

Thanks for making me aware!

Obviously there are tons of reasons friends are great, but I realized one that I never really noticed before. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's the specific friend. My friend Bethany ( http://thefabulousmrshaid.blogspot.com) has made me much more environmentally aware. I was never the type to stop and think about how I could help save the environment or how what products I purchased made an impact until I met her and became an avid reader of her blog.

I got a new set of silverware for Christmas - we needed it desperately! I finally got around getting them out of the box and into the dishwasher this morning and I was very disappointed when I realized that each individual piece of silverware was wrapped in a plastic bag! There were 72 plastic bags and several "filler" cardboard boxes in the package. It actually made me sad and I couldn't believe the company was so wasteful. I'm thinking about writing them a letter letting them know my feelings.

What would you say in your letter?

...

Christmas let down
Exhausted from four days of celebrating
messy house
sore throat
body aches and chills
impatient children

just want to spend the day in bed by myself!

God vs. Storm

I recently read this quote:

"Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is!"

I really stopped and thought about it. It's a great concept. I believe that every time I've had a storm brewing in my life I run to God and tell Him how big the storm is. I remind Him (as if He didn't already know) how much I need His help through the problems.

Maybe next time I'll just tell my storm to back off because my God is bigger!

You Learn Something New Everyday!

Two new things I learned:

1. A Basketball Ref circling his hand in the air means that there was an air-ball free throw. This automatically gives the other team the ball. (I learned this while Lincoln was quizzing me on all the Ref signs - lol)

2. People actually eat raw potatoes - and I HATE THEM! I literally almost threw up when I took a bite. YUCK.

Merry Christmas to All

Dearest Friends and Family,

Finally, 2008 has been a fairly quiet and calm year for the Redburn's! We have been so blessed this year with good health, wonderful children, and fun adventures together. Here are our favorite events from each month...

January started the new year off fairly quiet, and was filled with lots of basketball games and the purchase of our first replacement appliance as a married couple!

February is always a tough month for our family. Squished between the Super Bowl, Winter Guard, Valentine's Day, and our 4th wedding anniversary, is our middle daughter Claire's birthday. She would've been 2 this year.

March was a fun month with the end of basketball season (you can tell who is writing this letter can't you?) and Lincoln's 26th birthday. We also enjoyed celebrating the resurrection of Christ and Graysen's first Easter together.

In April Lincoln and I attended our first marriage seminar. It was a WONDERFUL experience. We learned a lot and continue to apply new concepts that we learned in those four days.

May was a very busy month for the Redburn family and started with a trip to the spa for me and the other women in my bible study group. Our husbands decided to pre-arrange everything for a special day of shopping, spa treatments, and dinner out for us in St. Louis. I also attended my second annual March of Dimes Walk this year. I was blessed to have both of my children with me (I was pregnant with Graysen last year when Hunter and I walked) and my Mom! The 11th of May was a busy day for us, as it was Graysen's baby dedication at church, Mother's Day, and Kara's birthday! There were lots of family members present at Gray's dedication and it was wonderful to be able to share that special day with all of them. I also had The Dance Studio Annual Recital the middle of May. Lincoln was a very supportive husband and got up on stage and danced with me! It was a first for him and he was WONDERFUL!

In June Lincoln and I started a new job - babysitting! We started keeping our cousin's little girl Libby this month. She fit right into our daily routine and we loved having her! Lincoln was able to go on an overnight float trip with the men in our bible study, and Ashley kept busy teaching week long camps at The Dance Studio.

In July we attended Lincoln's annual family reunion in Branson. We also had 4 friends add 5 new babies to their families! It was a GREAT month to celebrate the miracle of birth!

August was bittersweet with Hunter starting the month with his 4th birthday. We celebrated with his very first "kids only" Power Rangers birthday party! I turned 25 this month as well. We added two more kids to our daily babysitting and our lives became slightly more hectic with 5 children rather than just two.

September brought Hunter's first tumbling classes at The Dance Studio where I work. He loves them and looks forward to every Monday! Hunter also played on a 5 week Pre-K soccer town league. He loved being on his very first team and made sure everyone knew that he was playing on a REAL sports team!

In October Lincoln went on his annual Disc Golf Trip. It was the largest group ever as they traveled to Il for 3 days of disc gold madness! Halloween was fun this year with two kids. Hunter was a Rock Star, complete with torn jeans, a black leather jacket, a red electric guitar and red spiked hair! Graysen was a butterfly fairy in a precious pink, purple, and mint tutu' and butterfly wings. There were lots of trips to farms, pumpkin patches, and Halloween Parties.

November flew by with basketball season starting again, Thanksgiving, and Graysen's First Birthday! We had a pink, purple, and yellow cupcake party with a pin the candle on the cupcake game, cupcake pops for everyone, and a huge cupcake just for Gray!

December came all too soon and I started the month with a trip to Chicago with 3 of my good friends. It was the first time I have taken a trip without Lincoln since we've been married, and the very first time I've spent more than one night away from the kids. It was a great trip, but reminded me of how blessed I was to have such a beautiful home and family waiting for me to get back. Christmas was wonderful, this one being the first time Graysen was able to open her own gifts. I don't believe I will ever outgrow the magic of Christmas morning.

As I reflect on this past year I am filled with a peace that our life is directed by the The One Who Loves Us Unconditionally. How nice it is to know that He is bigger than any storm we may face!

Have a blessed New Year,

Lincoln, Ashley, Hunter, and Graysen Redburn

What's YOUR Secret?

I think everyone has secret desires. I'm sure they range from material things, relationships, occupations, living situations.. depending on the person and their life experiences. Sometimes you share the secret desires of your heart with someone. Sometimes you don't. I don't know about you, but I'm less likely to share them if I don't think there is a way for them to come true. I don't want people to think I'm silly, dreaming too big, or unrealistic. Hopefully everyone has SOMEONE that they can share them with. I don't share some of them even with my husband because I don't want him to stress over the fact that he can't provide it for me. I don't want him to feel inadequate. One person always knows the desires of your heart...God. I'm lucky to have Him to talk to them about. Sometimes, I find myself researching my dream and plotting a way to make it happen. When the overwhelming desire comes over me, I just say a silent prayer and thank God for the blessing that I do have in my life and bring myself back to the place where I am happy and content with where I am.

Good Mom, Bad Mom

I have a confession to make. After last night's wonderful "good mom" experience with putting things into perspective when Gray woke up at 4 I found myself in the "bad mom" position tonight. I want to watch a show that comes on in 10 minutes and I found myself giving Graysen her bottle thinking "hurry up and drink this thing - I'm going to miss my show!". HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT??? I'm ashamed. I realized it while sitting there and apologized out loud to her - not that she knew what I was thinking anyway - and then to God. I realize that missing the first few minutes of my show - or missing it all together - is not the end of the world. They will play a re-run. Holy cow. Of course, she finished her bottle, put her down, checked on Hunter again, and saw that I still had 20 minutes until it started.

It's hard to go from Good Mom to Bad Mom - but the lucky thing is, is that God knows our thoughts, but He also knows our actions before we do them - and I know He'll always lead me back to being a good mom as long as I desire to follow Him.

Well - time for my show! :0)

Finally!

Ah, God knows what we need. I'm always amazed at how when I get to my breaking point He's merciful enough to give me what I need. Maybe not everything that I want, but at least what I need to find some strength and keep going. This is small, but isn't that where the miracles of everyday life are?

Hunter has never been a good sleeper. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 3 years old. Okay, so maybe he slept through the night like 5 times in those first three years. Yes, once he reached two it was usually just one time a night and he would come into our room and crawl in with us at some point, but...I was still woken at least one time every night. Graysen has been a much better sleeper (who knows if it's the kid or the adjusted parenting methods). Lately though, the past week or so, my kids have not been sleeping. Between the two of them I've been getting like 4 - 4.5 hours of sleep a night. Last night I felt like I might crash. Graysen went to sleep at 6:30 (maybe because she got up at 4:30 the morning before...) and I knew I was in for another horrible night. Hunter went to sleep at 9 and so did I. I was so tired I did not even hear Lincoln get up, around, and out the door. (It worries me a little bit that someone could be in my bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, and open and close my front door without me hearing.) At 4:00 Graysen woke up. I came in, made her a bottle, and went into her room to feed it to her. As I'm sitting there I realize, she's been sleeping almost 10 hours already - she's probably ready to get up. DARN IT! But, I said a little prayer, possibly shed a couple of silent tears, and sat in the rocker counting my blessing on having a beautiful little girl who is in all other ways, a perfect child. I thought about my middle daughter Claire, who I only got to hold for an hour, and realized that this was NOT the end of the world. Thank God for providing me prospective in the middle of a bad situation. Before I knew it, I looked down and she was back asleep. Amazing. I gave her a kiss, laid her back in her bed, peeked in on Hunter across the hall, and went back to my own bed. I slept until 8:00 when Hunter woke me up.

That is my miracle for the day.

Tonight

Tonight I'm doing something outside of my comfort zone.
Nervous. New. Anxiety.
Couldn't get any worse.
Shouldn't fear, God is here.
Not setting any limitations on His plan.
Reconciliation?
Sharing. Learning. Loving.
Forgiving.
Just like God intended me to do.
Moving forward. Small, baby steps.
Please pray.

Christmas Cards

I'm always amazed at people who get Christmas Cards out BEFORE Christmas! :0) It always sneaks up on me, and I tend to forget all about the cards until I receive my first one in the mail! I'm big on including both a picture and letter in mine, so there is never enough time to accomplish this until after Christmas. So...mine are always New Years Cards. I wrote my letter tonight, but want to proof read before I put it on here. I would also like all of you blog readers to leave your mailing address so that I can get them out to you. I won't publish the comments so that your addresses aren't out there for the whole world to read...

Congrats to those of you who get yours done before Christmas...you're more organized than I am! :0)

The Christmas Sweater

I just finished The Christmas Sweater by Glenn Beck. Remenisent of Jason Wright's books, it was an easy read with a great story. This is a terrific book to read on the plane or in the car if you have travels ahead of you for the holiday season. Although the story was enjoyable, I thought the afterward was even better.

It made me sit back and think about how unappreciative we all are a children. It makes me sad to think that I have hurt my Mom like that a time or two I'm sure. We have no idea how much time and effort parents put into special occasions for us until we are parents ourselves. The stress of trying to provide a speical holiday for your children when money is tight is incredible.

It's a great reminder that even when the storm seems too big for us to handle, God is with us, wrapping His arms around us and keeping us safe and dry.

All is well.

Christmas Plans?

I always love hearing how everyone sets up their holiday schedules. Our lives used to be crazy busy during Christmas trying to get to everyone's house for every gathering and meal. We have been very blessed that last two years that the Redburn family has re-arranged their Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings so that all of Lincoln's siblings are no longer as stressed. Every family views different days / meals as "most important" and I enjoy hearing why...so share your stories with me!

Here is our holiday schedule:

Wednesday Evening: Bake a cake for Jesus' birthday at home and take it over to G.G's (next door) for Potato Soup and finger foods. This is always a drop in type of evening for my family - come and go around everyone's church schedules, etc.

Thursday Morning: 5 a.m.ish - We wake up at our house and see if Santa has come yet. Mom, Kara, Charlie, and G.G. come over. We open gifts from us and Santa. Usually we do our gift exchange between the rest of us at this point as well, but I think this year we're just going to do Santa gifts at our house. Then we clean up and rest up for the afternoon with extended family at one of my Aunt's houses. This year Christmas is at my Mom's, so I'm sure we will skip clean up and head over there as soon as Santa gifts are open to do the rest of the gifts and help her prepare food / the house for the family to come. I'm sure we will eat an afternoon meal with my Mom's side of the family and then head home. We usually try to go out and see Marcinda and Carl on Christmas evening because they are alone of the actual day.

Friday and Saturday are filled with meals and cookie baking with the Redburn's. Although we probably won't attend the entire Friday and Saturday festivities, we will be popping in and out working around Graysen's nap schedule, etc. They treat Friday as Christmas Eve and Saturday as Christmas with the main meal around 2:00 and gifts that evening after Lincoln gets off work.

It's so nice to have 4 days of festivities ahead of us, but exhausting by the time Saturday night rolls around! What are your plans this holiday season??

Excessive Mothering?

In what area of your life do you tend toward excess instead of moderation?

Hmmm - I'm really not an excess kind of girl. Although I'm sure others of you can think of many other ways that I'm excessive (and feel free to leave those on the comments..lol), here are the few that I could come up with:

1. Mothering - I'm a little overbearing I'm sure. I ALWAYS want to be with my kids. I just took my first trip away from the kids and spent more than one night away from them. I am constantly thinking about how what I am doing and what I am saying is molding my kids into who they are going to become. I am trying to invent new ways to make memories for them. Ways to record our lives together (such as this blog). I can admit - I'm excessive.

2. Birthdays - I've talked about this a lot on this blog, but I love birthdays. I love birthday parties. I am excessive in party planning.

3. QFT - Also known to the outsides world as "Quality Family Time". Although we don't get nearly enough of this, I am obsessed with trying to create opportunities for us to have QFT. So - if I could be excessive in this area of my life - I know I would be.

4. Party Food Preparation - No matter the occasion (friend get together, holiday, birthday party, baby / wedding shower, dinner to a new mom, etc.), I go overboard with the amount of food that I prepare.

Lull

I've hit a blogging lull. I was gone a few days to Chicago and when I got back I thought I was going to be SO anxious to get back to blogging...but...I've got nothing I feel is blog worthy. I've got several prompts ready from oneminuteblogger.com, but nothing I feel inspired to really answer.

Instead, I'm going to make some Christmas cookies at my Mommy's with some dear friends and family - THAT I'm inspired to do! :0)

Obesessed

You know you're an obsessed blogger when something happens in your life and you think - ah, I can't wait to blog that.

You know you're a mom when you can't remember what that was by the time you get to actually sit down and blog.

Oreos and Milk hold a special spot in my heart

My earliest memory is sitting on a bed in a tiny little room with my Dad dipping oreos in milk. We were in Korea at the time and I must've been 2 (I think - correct me if I'm wrong Mom!). I don't remember much except it was a little room with a bed on the right end (where my Dad slept) and a dresser in front of it, and a pallet on the floor to the left of it where I slept while my Mom and I visited Dad. I don't remember a single other thing about that trip except that night, sitting Indian Style on the bed with my Dad dipping oreos and milk. It must've been my first time dipping anything in milk...it was so fun! To this day that's one of my favorite snacks - yum, wish I had some right now!

What is your earliest memory?

Not worth it?!

I have a bracelet. Apparently it's not worth much money. I recently took it to two local jewelers asking to get it repaired and they both told me that it wasn't worth enough to fix. Here in-lies my problem. It's worth it to me. This is the bracelet that my husband gave me on our first Christmas together - not our first married Christmas, our very first ever together. It's the bracelet that I wore every day for 3 years. The bracelet that I felt when we were a few hundred miles apart and I was missing him very much. The bracelet that I wore even through our break-up, that reminded me of our feelings for each other and gave me hope that we could work things out.

Shortly after we got married my bracelet broke. One of the links broke and I could no longer wear it. I put it in my jewelry chest and kind of forgot about it. A few months ago I saw it and decided I wanted to get it fixed. I love the bracelet and it has such fond memories attached. Unfortunately I was "turned down" by the two jewelry stores in town. They both said it would cost much more than the bracelet was worth to fix it. Yes, I could have demanded that they fix it anyway, but, after their attitudes, I didn't want to give them my business. My MIL suggested that I take it to a little bead shop downtown and see if they could fix it.
The bracelet is not beaded, so I was skeptical, but it was worth a shot, so I took it in and what do you know...they fixed it over night. For $2.50!

Amazing what a little persistence will get you! :0)

My meditation play list

Here's my i-Tunes play list that I play late at night when I need some time to myself to reflect on the day that has just passed.

1. Word of God Speak by Mercy Me
2. While You Were Sleeping by Casting Crowns
3. Tonight I Want to Cry by Keith Urban
4. Tonight by FM Static
5. She's My Kind of Rain by Tim McGraw
6. I Melt by Rascal Flatts
7. Raining on Sunday by Keith Urban
8. Ordinary Love by Rascal Flatts
9. My Wish by Rascal Flatts
10. Open The Eyes of My Heart Lord by Mercy Me
11. I Love to Love You Out Loud by Rascal Flatts
12. Lost by Anouk
13. I Love You Just The Way You Are by Billy Joel
14. You're All I Need
15. Black Balloon
16. Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

What great parents they're going to make!

I am so inspired by some friends of ours. They have talked about how much they wanted a family since before they even got married. When they decided to start trying for a family they started buying baby stuff. They have closets full of boy and girl clothes. Tons of toys. They discussed parenting techniques They are READY. The only problem is that they can't have a baby. After enduring lots of testing they have decided to expand their family through Ethiopian Adoption! They have put so much time and effort into their children and they don't even know them yet! They have bought a new house that is big enough for several children and has a fenced in back yard. They have painted and set up the kids room. They have fundraised for this adoption in so many ways - from selling pizza cards, home made jewelry, and signs, to running a marathon - they have made this dream come true through hard work and faith in God.

Right now they are about 1 - 2 months away from getting their referral (seeing their children's faces for the first time!!!!) and then they will travel thousands of miles across oceans to pick up their children and bring them home. I can't imagine how anxious they are right now, but they are handling it with patience and grace. Simply amazing.

Every single day the last few weeks I have woken up wondering if today is the day that THEIR baby might be born. Or if it is already born what new milestones it is hitting. What it's eating that day, praying that it is comforted...that somehow it knows that Mommy and Daddy will be coming soon.

Guys - we are so proud to be your friends. We love you both and your children. We can't wait to meet them and shower them with gifts and love. You are constantly in our prayers and thoughts. WE MISS YOU!

Blogging: New Marriage Counseling Technique?

You'll never guess what my husband came home from the store with yesterday...

A FROZEN CHEESE PIZZA!

Yup! He read my blog the other day and when he was stopping by the store on his way home from work today to get milk he picked one up for me. What a guy!

Music in my life

Sometimes music plays a huge role in my life. I remember times through late high school and into college that I am honestly not sure what I would've done without my CD player. I remember laying in my bed listening to CD after CD. Sometimes escaping my problems, other times working through them with the help of the artist and the lyrics. Often times I realized how small my problems were in comparison, other times I finally felt validated by a particular song. I used to fall asleep with music playing. I have gone through so many phases in my musical choices it's not even funny! Growing up I remember listening to a lot of country music. I think my dad liked it. When I started dating my first boyfriend I began to listen to a lot of Christian (DC Talk, etc.) and Jazz (Louis Armstrong...). When I started dating Lincoln is shifted to Rap (Nelly...) and more "alternative" music (like Dashboard Confessional...). When I finally decided to listen to who I really was, I find that I love artists like Whitney Houston, Martina McBride, FFH, Rascal Flatts, Keith Urban, Tim McGraw, etc. The lyrics are way more important than the artist for me though. Lincoln can hear a song once and know the lyrics...I can hear a song once and know the tune, but am far from learning the lyrics.

When I had Hunter I found that I didn't have the time (or make the time anymore) to listen to music, but lately I have re-kindled the love and am finding myself drawn to new music and new lyrics. I hope they continue to transform me like the used to.

My cousin, My scar

A blog I read daily, http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com, has tons of great writing prompts. Usually I just think through my answer, but sometimes it sparks a memory so great that I have to share it on here.

Share the story of how you got a scar:

I really only have two scars. The first is huge on the top of my left hand. It looks like 1/2 of a set of butterfly wings. I got it when I was about 4 (maybe 5). I was living in Washington DC and was playing school in my bedroom upstairs with a friend. I had one of my grandmother's lamps on a table that I was wanting to use as a desk. It was an old fashioned lamp with the really thick antique glass. As I tugged on it to move it from the table (it was plugged in), it flew out of my hands and shattered mid-air. A piece of the glass sliced my hand, pulling a flap of my skin back. My mom took me to the hospital where they put butterfly strips on it. No stitches - but quite the scar!

My second scar is the one I'm most fond of because it brings back so many good memories! It was the last few days of school and I was in the 8th grade. It was warm outside - warm enough in May to be wearing a swimming suit while running around my yard with my best friend - my cousin. We lived on a gravel road off the main road and our mail box was at the top of the long gravel road, so we decided to ride the lawn mower up to get it rather than walk. (Lazy, yes, I know, but I believe that we had been sun bathing or something and the sun had zapped our energy.) So, my cousin and I hop on the 1 rider mower and head up the road to get the mail. We were young, silly, and not very smart. When we got to the top we decided that she would slip her foot off the break and I would slip mine on. (I was sitting on the back of the seat and she was in the seat driving). Well, our timing didn't work out as well as we had hoped, and the lawn mower lurched forward. I feel off the back of the seat (obviously) and landed (in a swim suit) on the OPEN motor. Yikes! My butt was BURNT! I don't remember much of the ride back to the house, but I do remember being scared to death to go in the house and show my mom what I had done. I'm still, to this day, not sure why I was scared to show her, because we hadn't done anything wrong, and she had never over-reacted about anything silly like that before, but none the less, I made Jayna go in to my grandma's bedroom and prep her. I had tears running down my face from the pain as I showed my mom and grandma my charred (literally) bottom.

The kicker is....it was a Sunday.

Now, this does not sound like something would be recall FOND memories, but it does. When I think about it I remember all those lazy days with my cousin and the fun we had together before our lives got so crazy and busy. Now she lives half way across the country and I only get to see her during the holidays. I miss her like terribly and wish that we could be closer and share more of our lives together.

I love you Jay - and my scar!

Hunter's life...

If I were to "map out" what I believe Hunter's life will look like; this is something of what I would imagine.

I think that Hunter will play sports (football, basketball, baseball, etc.) all the way through High School. I also think that he will be in either band or choir - something musical. I think he'll probably have a girlfriend, but nothing serious because he will be to focused on his sports (no, not education, unfortunately - lol). I do think he'll make good grades because he shows such an interest in learning already, but when there's an opportunity to play a game that involves a ball or learn about letters, he'll choose the ball any day! I think that he'll probably go to a university on the East Coast and play ball of some sort. Sometimes when I think about him leaving and going that far away I get tears in my eyes - already...he's only 4 years old!!! ha ha - silly Momma! I think that he'll meet a wonderful girl in college and will end up getting married shortly after graduation. Right now I imagine him finding a career in either construction management or sports / physical therapy. He has always said he wants to be a builder, but he loves sports and trying to "fix" the people who get hurt while playing. Obviously this will change over the years, but since I'm making a guess right now, I'm guessing based off of his current interests and comments. I think he will have a couple of children and hopefully move close to family.

** I thought it would be interesting to have this recorded so that years from now I can look back and see how WRONG I was! :0)

I am a baby-wearing, breast-feeding, apron-wearing, cookie-making kind of girl.

Alright - usually I am the farthest thing from the typical "feminist". I believe that it is the woman's job to make her house a home for her husband and children. I believe it's the husband's job to make a living for his family (but the wives to learn to run her household within his salary.) I didn't even want to go to college because I always just wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mother. (My Dad demanded that I go.) I would rather stay home and take care of the kids, cooking, and laundry then get a job any day (okay - MOST days). I am a baby-wearing, breast-feeding, apron-wearing, cookie-making kind of girl.

The following conversation with my sister made me stop and think though. (NOTE: the exact conversation is not exactly remembered...but this is the gist of it)

Kara: "Why do you only buy supreme frozen pizzas?"
Me: "Because that's what Lincoln likes"
Kara: "Why does it always have to be what Lincoln likes?"
Me: "Because I want to make him happy"
Kara: "What about making yourself happy sometimes?
"
Me: "Well, because he's my husband I do whatever I can to make him happy"
Kara: "You're ridiculous"
Me: "You have to pick your battles when you're married and the marriage seminar that we went to suggested that if it's not immoral, un-ethical, or no one is getting hurt to give into the wants of the other person."
Kara: "So what if you want cheese and he wants supreme - who wins then?"
Me: "obviously Lincoln"
Kara: "I'm SO not going to be like that"

True. I never thought I would be like that either. I never imagined myself being the kind of wife who bought the food her husband liked and sacrificed some of the foods that I like. I never thought I would make the sacrifices that I make everyday and don't even think about anymore.

I'll be honest, sometimes I wish I could become selfish again. Even for just a few days. I wish I eat whatever I want, sleep whenever I want, go wherever I want, when I want. I envy my sister and her girlfriends for being able to run up to Applebees at 9:00 for 1/2 price appetizers without giving anyone else a second thought. I envy the fact that she gets to sleep in and not worry about going to the late movie because she knows that her child might wake up for her first night time feeding before she gets home.

But...someday I'll be "there" again. Someday Lincoln and I won't have any kids in the house anymore and we'll be able to do all of those things.

Hopefully we won't be too tired to do them by then.

Mary Did You Know?

What a great song. It really makes me stop and think. Obviously Mary knew that her child was special because she got pregnant without ever having sex. Who WOULDN'T know that was a special situation? I think it's disappointing that the Bible doesn't tell us more about Jesus as a child. There are a few stories of course - like the one about him separating from his parents to stay at the temple, but not too many about what it was like to be a parent to Jesus as a child. Do you think he acted up or was he always perfect? I mean, Jesus brought us the 10 commandments, so there wasn't an "obey your parents" commandment for him to break. It sounds funny to me, but in all seriousness - I would love to know what discipline techniques Mary and Joseph used with Jesus...or if they even needed any. Maybe he was perfect.

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that youve delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
Youve kissed the face of god

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heavens perfect lamb?
This sleeping child youre holding
Is the great I am


When I think about Hunter and Graysen and all they have ahead of them in this world it's so overwhelming! Then I think about my parents and wonder if they pictured me turning out the way I have.

I wonder if I have fulfilled all of the "hopes and wishes" that they had for me or if I've been a disappointment in some areas. I'm sure they didn't imagine me being in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years of my young high school life. I'm sure my Mom never pictured paying for a college degree in something as useless as dance. I'm sure my Dad never imagined the day when we no longer had a relationship because of decisions that he made. I can bet that my Mom didn't fathom that I would get pregnant before I was married and that she would stand by and support me all the way.

What will become of my children? What will they do or not do that I imagine in my mind right now? It's funny how parents get an idea in their head of what activities their children will be interested in growing up. What they will do in college and how they will spend the rest of their lives.

Death

My camera died today. I'm sad. It was my very first digital camera. A gift from my mom one Christmas. It's been coming since about 2 weeks before Halloween. I'm glad I got all my pictures off of it. I feel as though there's been a loss in the family.

I'm lost without it. Help.

Cupcakes Galore!

Yesterday was Graysen's First Birthday Party! As a side note, I love birthday parties. I know I've mentioned this before in previous posts, but today reminded me of why I love them. It's not because I enjoy myself at them, it's because I see the smiles on other people's faces. I love watching the kids interact, the excited screams as they chase each other with balloons, as the candy falls out of the pinata, the icing smeared all over their faces. I soak it in as I watch my friends and family interact, seeing the expressions on people's faces while in the middle of a deep conversation. I love playing hostess - before, during, and after. I love the anticipation of the day, the weeks building up to the party, all the little projects laying on every available surface of my house, a constant reminder that the day is coming, and I get to celebrate the birth of my child with those that I love. What's NOT to like about it?!

I hope that as my children grow older and look back on their birthday parties over the years they are able to see, through them, how much they mean to me!

Memories of Gray's birthday

Graysen,

Today you turned one. I was very scared a year ago today. I wasn't convinced that even though you were born that God would let me keep you. Yes, I loved you when they laid you on my chest, but I kept a distance in my heart. You have torn through that wall and I can not imagine life without you ever being in it. You have saved me. You have restored my faith in the good of the world. I will forever be grateful for that.

I'm amazed at how you have developed over the past year. You are a beautiful little girl, both in and out. I adore your big brown eyes, your sweet blonde hair with wisps over your ears and on your neckline, and your fingers that wrap around mine. I love the faces you make with your cheesy smile and scrunched up nose; your teeth with a space between the top middle ones, the way you have 4 on top and only 3 on the bottom. You have such a calm personality. You are an extremely happy baby, only recently have you started to weary of strangers. You bring such joy and happiness into our home.

Last night as your Dad and I lay in bed we talked about what our lives were like a year ago. We went to the hospital on the evening of the 27th thinking that we were going to be induced and have a baby. Once we got there Dr. Karrie Cunningham came in and explained that there had been some miscommunication. We were only to be observed, not actually induced. Your Dad and I tried to convince her to let us stay and go ahead and have the baby (I was already having some natural contractions), but she explained that if there were any complications with you when you were born she would rather it not be in the middle of the night when every emergency response team is a bit slower. That's all she had to say, we were okay with going home, only to return in less than 12 hours. Hunter was spending the night with Grammie, so we just left him there, as not to confuse him. We came home to an empty house, knowing that the next time we entered we would have TWO children with us. It was so hard to fathom at that point, and so hard to imagine the opposite now, just one year later. We got up in the morning and had to check in at the ER entrance. We went upstairs, started the pitocin, and we were on our way! It didn't take long for Mommy's contractions to kick into high gear...I knew you were going to come fairly quickly. Grammie came to Rolla and dropped Hunter off with Rita Wells. She came on to the hospital and helped your Daddy try to comfort me during the toughest of labor. By 9:30 we knew that you were going to be here very soon and we called Aunt Sissy out of school (she was going to cosmetology school in Rolla at the time), Grandma from work (she was working at Triad in Rolla) and Rita to bring your big brother. Aunt Sissy got there right after the nurse told me I was a 10 and was able to give me a quick hug before Dr. Cunningham came in to deliver you! There was an intern with her and so she showed him how to do everything. I pushed one time and there you were! You were 7 lbs. 1 oz., 20 inches, and were born at 9:51 a.m. You were READY to meet your family! I should've known then you were going to be a very easy going baby! Although there weren't any major complications you had trouble keeping your body temperature up, so they wisked you away to the warmer very quickly after you were born. Our family was able to come back, but just to see us, Dr. Sean McEnaney was looking you over in the nursery. You took to nursing pretty well, although you weren't very interested after you went into your "sleep stage". I even called the lactation consultant in for suggestions on ways to wake you up and make you eat! We wanted to get out of the hospital and back home as soon as possible, so we left the hospital 26 hours after you were born.

I think every girl wants to know the story of her birth, so there it is. Your birth was a wonderful experience. Holding you for the first time was like nothing else in the whole world. We had prayed for you for almost 2 years before you were even conceived, and then we continued to pray for you the entire 9 months that you grew in my tummy. You are proof that God does answer prayers in the way that we hope at times.

Today, your first birthday, was a fairly quiet day around our house. You have a cold, runny nose, cough, breathing difficulties, so we gave you lots of medicine, nose wipes, and breathing treatments. Mommy baked about 70 cupcakes for your birthday party on Sunday and Aunt Sis, Grammie, Charlie, and Jamie came over for cake after dinner. We sang you happy birthday. You weren't real sure what to think about it, but after we were all done you decided it was good enough to clap for. :0)

I love you with all of my heart - you have made me into who I have become over the last year, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Moving Song

This is a new song to me. We sang it in church last Sunday and I was just especially touched by the lyrics. I thought others might be as well. Often times I find myself getting so caught up in the noise and commotion of the world that we live in. It was nice to voice the chorus.

"Word Of God Speak" by Mercy Me

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Lincoln "The Great"

My husband makes me laugh. We are currently sitting in the kitchen. He is doing the dishes at the sink and I am sitting at the computer ordering Christmas gifts. I say to him, "oh man - I have to write a new blog for tomorrow, all of mine have posted". His response? "Write one about how great I am!" LOL Whew, comic relief! I laugh and he says, " that should be easy right?!" After a louder laugh from me, he responds "you can say that I said that too! Just start the post...as Lincoln was slaving away at the sink today..."

What a crack up. But seriously, I am blessed with a great husband. He is wonderful at listening to me and making me feel better about whatever the situation may be. He cares about my physical and mental health and always encourages me to do whatever it is that will make those things better. When I actually express my needs he is always there to meet them (he cleaned the entire house yesterday!!!).

I am Thankful.

What Moves Us to Tears?

After the sermon on Sunday I got to seriously thinking about this question. The pastor presented us with the question at the beginning of the sermon.

So - what moves us to tears? Do you cry over the things that hurt us directly? The things that make us sad. Or...do you cry over the things that God would cry over? What is the difference in the things that move us to tears vs. the things that move God to tears?

I have come up with a brief list of some of the things that have moved me to tears in the last week:

1. My daughter blowing me kisses when I walked in her room to get her up a few mornings ago
2. Thinking about and feeling the pain of losing my middle daughter almost 3 years ago
3. Thinking about my daughter's 1st birthday that is coming later this week
4. The thought of not having any more children
5. My son's attitude a few nights ago

I thought more in depth about each of them:

1. These were good tears - something that made me so extremely happy! I think God may cry when we blow Him kisses too! That's how much He loves us!
2. Although I know it's normal to cry when we experience loss or feel pain, but God isn't crying over Claire not being here with me. He's happy that she's in Heaven with Him...so maybe I should just look forward to the day when I can be there with her!
3. Again - a bittersweet kind of crying...
4. I shouldn't cry over this! I am so very blessed to have two healthy children here on earth with me. I should focus my attention and energy on raising these two!
5. This was more of a fear of failure in myself. My husband and I have tried so hard over the last 4 years to balance discipline with self-confidence. Being a parent is such a challenge - never knowing until it's too late whether you did the right thing or not. Overall Hunter is a wonderful boy - I'm sure every parent wonders what happened to their "sweet" child at some point or another.

What things move God to tears though? Do we cry for the babies who never get a chance at life because their parents made the decision to abort them? Do we cry for those who are homeless on the street and no one gives them a second chance? Do we cry for those around us who don't know the love and saving grace of our Heavenly Father? I believe in my heart that those are the types of things that move God to tears.

Maybe we should stop being so "all about me" all the time and think about what makes God cry everyday. What can we do to help eliminate His tears? Isn't that what we try to do for others that we love? Try to fix things so that they aren't sad, hurting, etc.? Haven't we all said "I'd take the pain, sickness, hurt, if I could"? Let's try to do that for God!

Doing the impossible

A blogging friend of mine has recently written a couple of posts about how hard it is as a woman to keep up with everything that is expected of us. Although I empathized with her at the time of her posts, I wasn't feeling overwhelmed with my own life at that point. Well - the time has come. I'm overwhelmed. I know this is the same as every woman feels, but sometimes it's just nice to vent right?

Don't misunderstand me - I have a wonderful husband who is very helpful when it comes to keeping the outside of our home in order, repairing things that are broken around the house, taking care of the children, etc. Unfortunately, he's just not too helpful when it comes to the inside of our home. I find this odd because I know that he had chores while growing up. Pretty much he leaves the cleaning and picking up to me. That would be fine if I only had to pick up after myself and the children...but I don't. He is famous for leaving his dishes by the recliner or on the bedside table, shoes all over the living room, dirty clothes in the floor, and trash on the counter.

I hit my wall last night and made a chore chart. Yes, I'm aware he might take offense to this and that it seems extremely elementary. I'm not saying that we'll post it on the fridge and get stickers or anything, I just want something to use as a guide. Something that he can look at and know what needs to be done and how he can help me around the house.

I'll let you know how it goes. ;0)

To Read List:

Here is my list of books that I would like to eventually find time to read:

1. The Professors Wives Club
2. The James Miracle
3. All We Know Of Heaven
4. Captivating
5. Do You Think I'm Beautiful?
6. The Christmas Sweater
7. The Difficult Child
8. A Million Little Pieces
9. Sunset
10. Twilight
11. The Mommy Diaries

If anyone has any other suggestions for me to add or have read any of the above books and would like to give me their input on them I would greatly appreciate it! :0)

What do you hear?

I'm listening to my home right now. I hear the muffled sound of the washer and dryer running behind the closed laundry room door. I hear Charlie and Lola in the living room (they are regular guests of ours on TV...). I hear a bird outside in the tree. It's a crisp sunny day outside. I hear the clicking of the keys on my keyboard as I type.

I also hear my own thoughts. Do I make this house a home? Do I do enough to keep it presentable, functional, and cozy? I know I don't. Sometimes I feel as though I could do a better job, sometimes I feel as though I'm tapped out; like I'm extended to the fullest extent. Sure, I should use these minutes blogging to unload the dish washer...but sometimes I just need some time for ME!

Here's my list of things that I do for me that I will NOT let myself feel guilty for:

1. Blogging
2. Baths that include shaving my legs
3. Reading my book for less than 30 minutes a day
4. Time spent on choreography
5. Taking a walk

That (not so loving) feeling

Do you ever make a decision and then regret it?
Do you ever wish you would've stuck to your guns a little longer?
Wish that you had put up a bigger fight to get what you wanted?
Wish that you prayed a little longer about it?

Do you ever feel sick to your stomach when you think about it?

whew. I hate that feeling.

Volunteer Work

If you had the freedom to do volunteer work for three months (with all barriers removed such as finances and childcare,) what would you do?

I saw this question on a blog that I read daily and I was so excited to answer the question. Then I sat down to answer it...


and nothing. I had no idea where to start! I have so many things I'd love to do, but how could I possibly pick one?! I want to volunteer in a pregnancy resource center, I want to travel overseas and work in an orphanage, I want to work in a home for battered women, the list is endless.

What would your answer be?